10 year old daughter developing early

Spon Farmer · 07-06-2019 12:50am

Frightened Dad wrote: »

My 10 year old daughter could pass for a 14 or 15 year old girl. She has boobs and a bum and a shape that is not a child.

I mentioned to my wife that I think she needs to dress and behave a little more appropriately than other girls of her age might. Her friends and classmates wear cute young girl clothes which work perfectly well when there's no chest, but on my girl, I don't know how explain it, it ends up showing cleavage and more leg/bum skin than I am at all comfortable with.

My wife's reaction has floored me. She told me that our daughter looks like any other girl and I am the problem, that I should not be viewing my daughter sexually, and said its unsettling to her that I have noticed she has boobs etc. This is frightening me. It's as plain as day she's more developed than other children her age and I am only concerned that she doesn't end up a 'target' for older boys, or any boys at this age! My head is in a spin that this could be levelled at me. There is no history of abuse or anything like that, and things had always been fine with me and my wife so this is a bolt from the blue and sickening.

TLDR, my wife is casting aspersions on me because I am aware my daughter is developing into a woman.

I can't give any advice on your daughter but your wife - Holy Jaysus.

That is one seriously messed up thing to say. Has this kind of thing come out of the blue?

Apart from being messed up, it doesn't even make sense.

Red Lightning · 08-06-2019 1:40pm

In my opinion, your concerns are totally valid OP. Sadly we live in a society where young girls are sexualised and if I had a daughter id be terrified if I felt she was at risk of getting male attention at an age that is just too young.
And about your wife, what a horrific thing to say. She needs to cop herself on and owes you an apology.

Unanimous · 08-06-2019 5:16pm

OP, you have a valid point but could it be that you might have expressed it wrongly?
Every child should be guarded and protected jealously by their parents!
We live in an era where kids know more than they should know!
They go on the internet and there is porn there, their favourite musicians are using certain lyrics and video scenes in their music.
Who is going to be responsible for ensuring that these kids do not make decisions that they live to regret!?
OP, it will shock you the things kids know and experiment on! so you are not wrong!
I remember when I started developing breasts and I was playing topless when one of my uncles was around,
My brother who was one year younger than me told my sister that I was showing my uncle that I now have breasts.
Weird to think of that not but even a boy 1 year younger than me knew that it just didn't seem right.
Growing up, I remember girls who grew boobs earlier that were made fun of, sexualised and abused my male classmates.
Luckily I grew up in an area where it will not be tolerated. I have seen stories online of a boy who would unhook girls bra and when was slapped by one of the girls, the girl was suspended.
Look, you have to protect your kids, a girl is going to be a woman in a couple of years. no point pretending like she will remain 10 forever.
She herself will notice the changes and the best thing to do is to help her understand what these changes she is noticing are and how to be a responsible woman to be.

dellas1979 · 08-06-2019 7:56pm

People always project what they've experienced and their thoughts onto others, and see it as reality (for everyone).

You are projecting your experience onto your daughter.

I will bet what is in my bank account that your wife is projecting some experience she had as a young girl onto you - something she saw or experienced. It doesnt have to be seedy. Could be someone looked at her as a kid/developing, and she felt objectified/person was being pervy.

It could be a starting point in figuring out where that comment came from.

[Deleted User] · 09-06-2019 5:05pm

OP no one here knows your wife and daughter and without that, there's not too much advice that can really be given.

Speculating, I'd hope that your wife's comments were not reflective of what she thinks of you, but rather a reaction to her fear being sparked. I can't be easy to hear that your young daughter is developing quickly and that she might be perceived as different, or sexualised by others. She's probably experienced what that's like herself, and it's not something you'd want for a kid. She was wrong to talk to you like that, but if I were you I'd take the high road and forget about it.

That said, I developed SUPER early, and my mother refused to buy me a bra. She also acted mortified when I tried to speak to her about it. It made things way tougher for me at school and made me feel even more ashamed of my body. Well done to you for speaking openly about it and trying to start a conversation about your daughter's emotional wellbeing. Don't let it scare you off talking about these things.

Larbre34 · 09-06-2019 5:22pm

My niece was the same, from about age 9 she filled out, early onset of periods and so on. But she took right after her Mum who was always tall, womanly, athletic so she and my brother in law took a pragmatic approach from the beginning, bought her simple training bras right away, got her some flattering but appropriate clothes as she grew so she was fairly at ease with her changing body and made sure she was involved in a good amount of sport and social activities with a healthy mix of boys and girls to limit her amount of just 'hanging around'.

Even still they had some issues with her attracting boys and she was flattered and threw a few tantrums about who and when she was allowed spend time with, but overall she has grown with as much education and knowledge as she could absorb around sex, relationships and managing risks to herself.

Its not easy, but the way OPs wife turned it back on him is so bang out of order its not funny. He would have every right to ask her to go with him to counselling and sort that out in detail because now or soon enough she will have to deal sympathetically with her daughters maturing and all it brings, otherwise the daughter will be made anxious and confused around the whole issue instead of getting the right support and advice from united parents.

Best of luck fella.

Emme · 09-06-2019 11:36pm

OP if your 10 year old daughter had the body of a 15 year old she will probably not fit into the average 10 year old's clothes. Whatever about her getting attention from older boys, her early development might affect her self-confidence.

You and your wife need to put your daughter first. She is developing faster than her peers so you need to reassure her that she is normal and there is nothing wrong. I was an early developer and got bullied over it. I was at a co-educational school and boys were horrible to me. If I had been offered a breast reduction at 14 I would have taken it up to avoid bullying. Instead I developed an eating disorder and part of the reason for that was that I was so self-conscious about my size. Ironically I lost weight everywhere except the one place I wanted to most. Early development can be hell for girls.

I am not saying your daughter will develop an eating disorder but she needs positive encouragement from both you and your wife and you need to support her through her changing (and perfectly normal) body. Even though parents don't say anything children can pick up on their concerns and act out. You and your wife need to be on the same page and in agreement with how you encourage your daughter and support her.

When does she start secondary school? If she turns 11 over summer and starts next September the holidays would be a good time for you and your wife to sit down with her and discuss what she should and should not tolerate from her peers. If she is still at primary school you may need to find out if there is a female teacher there who can quietly support her if she needs it.

If she has started her periods already this will be uppermost in your wife's mind and maybe this is why she reacted so strongly to your other concerns. A good father will raise his daughter to be confident and not tolerate nonsense so your daughter is lucky you are concerned for her.

10 year old daughter developing early

Comments