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Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

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  • Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    Again WTF? Your first suggestion that OP have an affair to sort this mess was pure lunacy. Your second suggestion that unless she has said affair otherwise she'll get depression is so off the wall I am speechless.


    It's not that having an affair would prevent the depression, it's having a go at her sister would release the anger and resentment that must have built up over the years and been suppressed.

    Suppressing anger will lead to depression.

    I'll bet her sister doesn't suppress anger. I'll bet she lashes out at anyone who looks crooked at her.

    It's the nice people that don't react, bottle it up and get ill from years of suppressing all that anger.

    I think I was wrong to suggest it. I like many have tried to be nice to people over the years and got nothing but abuse and downtrodden. Sometimes I think I am a mug for trying to be the better person and rise above it. It can be stressful not reacting to nastiness. I don't want what has happened to me from not letting go of the hurt and anger to happen to someone else but it was an inappropriate suggestion on my part.

    Thankfully the OP will not do this. Sometimes you wonder why you bother trying to be so nice when those who aren't nice seem to be admired and respected by everyone whereas the nice people get seen as mugs and soft touches.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Satori Rae


    shaymus27 wrote: »
    It's not that having an affair would prevent the depression, it's having a go at her sister would release the anger and resentment that must have built up over the years and been suppressed.

    Suppressing anger will lead to depression.

    I'll bet her sister doesn't suppress anger. I'll bet she lashes out at anyone who looks crooked at her.

    It's the nice people that don't react, bottle it up and get ill from years of suppressing all that anger.

    I think I was wrong to suggest it. I like many have tried to be nice to people over the years and got nothing but abuse and downtrodden. Sometimes I think I am a mug for trying to be the better person and rise above it. It can be stressful not reacting to nastiness. I don't want what has happened to me from not letting go of the hurt and anger to happen to someone else but it was an inappropriate suggestion on my part.

    Thankfully the OP will not do this. Sometimes you wonder why you bother trying to be so nice when those who aren't nice seem to be admired and respected by everyone whereas the nice people get seen as mugs and soft touches.

    I get what you mean and I don't think you thought your original comment through (if that is ok to say).

    It is true that after years of taking flack and being a lackey can make you short tempered in a way and quick to act. I am deffo testament to that. I don't have any time for wasters or users. This can lead me to being to honest about things :P sometimes you can say something to rash but it's all good like :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭shaymus27


    Satori Rae wrote: »
    I get what you mean and I don't think you thought your original comment through (if that is ok to say).

    It is true that after years of taking flack and being a lackey can make you short tempered in a way and quick to act. I am deffo testament to that. I don't have any time for wasters or users. This can lead me to being to honest about things :P sometimes you can say something to rash but it's all good like :D


    Thanks Satori.

    I think there are a lot of people like myself who have put up with too much and balance is probably what we need - don't take too much and don't over-react as a result of having put up with too much.

    I didn't think things through in my comment, you are correct.

    Just hope the OP can stand up for herself but I think if she does become more assertive that there will be resistance from her sister and others who are used to her being a certain way. It has to be done though it won't go completely smoothly. But that's life. Life isn't always smooth.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,049 ✭✭✭groovyg


    I can't believe the sister wants you to go check out bands, and do all the organising.
    Anybody I know who has got married the bride and groom have organized and done invitations, hotel church/registry office themselves. Bride and bridesmaids generally deal with dresses, hair and makeup, flowers, band etc There is no way in hell I would choose a band for somebody elses wedding. That's a personal choice and should be left to the bride and groom.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Your duster is unhinged. Avoid like the plague


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  • Registered Users Posts: 15,371 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

    As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

    I think it's a fairly damning indictment of your sister's behaviour that she can't even be mature enough to contact you herself, she is trying to get the rest of the family to do it for her, and at the same time dragging them into the drama. She knows exactly what she's at, she knows she's being a bitch, but she's always gotten away with it by the sounds of it. Stick to your guns and let her organise her own wedding.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Living Off The Splash


    At least texting your sister was a start although I don't understand why you couldn't get through on the phone to her. Maybe try later? You sound as if you are afraid of her and want to avoid talking to her. The fact that she didn't return your text/call and is now contacting other members of the family means that she is having difficulties talking to you as well. Definitely something deeper here.

    How do you know that she has been contacting other members of the family? Are you talking to everyone else behind your sister's back or are they enjoying the saga and contacting you with updates? Can you get through to them on the phone?

    The fact that you have made a decision and texted your sister should be enough. The best thing you can do now is stay quiet and don't fan the flames. Let her contact you. Stick to your story and keep it simple and there is no harm in being unavailable at times.
    There are all sorts of strange deluded people out there. When you think you have seen them all, another variation crops up. This wedding event will take months to organise. Why agonise over this for the next few months. You have made your decision now get on with your own life.
    Don't feed the other members of your family who are enjoying the saga from the sidelines either.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    I agree OP. Step back now. She has enough people to help her, if help is required. Don't get drawn into discussions of the whys and wherefores with anyone.
    All the best.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,637 ✭✭✭Milly33


    haha some comment shaymus27 but revenge like that can do as much harm to the person doing it, as it is out of character for them.

    OP play her at her own game and you simply ignore her too... You have told her no, just sit back and wait for her to accept it. Your parents seem to know what she is like so if they start with you just say no sorry your standing up to her and move on...

    She really is taking the living piss out of the situation...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 32 autumnrain


    Fair play to you OP. That text took guts. Now don't worry about the feedback - it's just drama and habits.
    You're changing the usual habit by contacting her and saying no. And she's doing her usual -It's entirely to be expected. Your family getting dragged in is probably usual too.
    Just remember that you are different today, so you don't need to do the usual thing by justifying your decisions. That's old you. Decide that, just for today, you're not engaging. Repeat tomoro. :-). It'll settle down.


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  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    The best revenge is to go and have a stress free day as a guest at her wedding.

    But you should totally dye your hair a mad colour the day before for the family photos.;)

    I think that you would be her scapegoat for every minor detail that goes wrong on the day if you agreed. Its quite clever really to rope you in because I'd say she wouldn't DARE to put all that work on her 'real' MOH. And like you say, anything you do get right will go unacknowledged.

    Tell your mother that you are genuinely not bothered, therefore neither should she or the rest of the family be offended on your behalf. Keep politely declining via text or email as she cant force you to do this stuff for her. If you dont bother to book the dress appointments or cake appointments, she'll be forced to herself as the deadline for those things approaches. She's not going to sabotage her own wedding. Not her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

    As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

    And to be fair, he possibly wouldn't have you, given your sister has been the favoured one when ye both pursued the same men.

    It was a bad suggestion and seriously could have backfired.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,637 ✭✭✭Milly33


    just to get on the lighter side.. That would be funny with the hair dye.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    Milly33 wrote: »
    just to get on the lighter side.. That would be funny with the hair dye.

    The hair dye idea would probably prove the brides point, as in it was a good thing she didn't choose didntgotoplan as a bridesmaid because look at what she's done with her hair!

    If I were OP I would do nothing to help sis, turn up looking my very very highly polished best (or would try to!!!) and have a great day with all the guests. Behaving gracefully the whole time.

    Not sabotaging anything, or any families along the way!

    Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.

    To be blunt with the OP and anyone else that has any notions in their head, this is the right approach to wedding planning.

    Folk forget that they are the ones throwing the celebrations and asking family members to attend. Weddings are expensive to go to and the idea is you are organizing the day so that your guests have an enjoyable time.

    You may get help from people for sure but its not something that should be taken for granted or demanded. I can only imagine what the rest of the wedding is going to be like if this has been the response so far.


  • Registered Users Posts: 163 ✭✭theenergy


    put the hand out offer her a hand

    forget the label of MOH who gives a rats .....

    in years to come she will open her eyes (obviously closed now) and know who helped her

    Karma is a real thing...

    stubborness and resentment wont get ya far... i think,.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 643 ✭✭✭Geniass


    theenergy wrote: »
    put the hand out offer her a hand

    This sister would take her hand... then her arm... and blame the OP for not giving more. :pac:


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,076 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tar.Aldarion


    I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.

    As for all the suggestions to sabotage her relationship, I wouldn't stoop so low and I'm disgusted it was even said even if it's a joke. She is still my sister, can't change that but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her or her family and I don't want to do anything to hurt my niece and nephew.

    Ah heyor, I wouldn't even want to go to her wedding at this rate. Your sister is treating you like a nothing, why entertain her? You say things like it's only fair since you helped your other sister, but that kinda stuff does not matter. Your sister is being a bitch, why let her get away with it? Just stick to your guns with not helping, obviously don't do any of the stupid sabotage things people suggested as you know already.


    To the affair person, jesus wept.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,220 ✭✭✭jackofalltrades


    I tried to call her but couldn't get through so I sent her a text telling her that I don't want to be involved other than a regular guest, as the bridal party should help her. She didn't reply back but did text all my immediate family asking them to talk to me to change my mind.
    Good for you. Now make sure you hold the line.
    Don't feel guilty or sorry for her and end up going back on what you said.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,001 ✭✭✭handlemaster


    if op sister cant see how rude she was then the op shouldnt worry about what she thinks in saying no


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,881 ✭✭✭TimeToShine


    For overall post content to amusement/quality ratio this forum surely is the best by a country mile.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Living Off The Splash


    Let's be devil's advocate. You helped another sister with her wedding and enjoyed doing it. You were most likely congratulated on all the good work you did?

    Now the next in line sister comes along to get married. I would have thought that it would be natural to turn to you seeing as you did a good job for your other sister.

    The not so nice sister that is getting married is the centre of attention. Quite rightly so, it's her big day. The impression that is given is that she is not a nice person but you offered to help out. How gushing were you when you were asked? How enthusiastic were you initially? You have already gone some of the way in turning up at the bridal clothes shop, plus you have done other bits and pieces. Now you are backing off.
    The phones are hopping. Your sister is ringing everyone to find out what's wrong. Other family members are contacting you. Your sister is no longer the center of attention. You are!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace



    Just to add for my own wedding I did everything myself. My bridesmaids just organized the hen. I chose the band,car, venue & made the booklets,invitations & favors with my then fiancé! Never heard of a bridesmaid doing all the leg work. Ever.

    Same as that.

    I'd gladly lend a hand here or there to someone, and have done, but it would be little things, maybe collecting stuff for them, or suchlike. And it would be me offering, not an expectation by anyone that I should be doing it.

    Stick to your guns, OP. Be calm and gracious, and attend as a guest.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,081 ✭✭✭Reputable Rog


    Most entertaining thread on any forum. Any chance you'll sell the movie rights to this.


  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,901 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    The not so nice sister that is getting married is the centre of attention. Quite rightly so, it's her big day. The impression that is given is that she is not a nice person but you offered to help out. How gushing were you when you were asked? How enthusiastic were you initially? You have already gone some of the way in turning up at the bridal clothes shop, plus you have done other bits and pieces. Now you are backing off.
    The phones are hopping. Your sister is ringing everyone to find out what's wrong. Other family members are contacting you. Your sister is no longer the center of attention. You are!

    Where does the OP say she went dress shopping with the sister, and did other bits and pieces?


  • Registered Users Posts: 483 ✭✭marialouise


    Let's be devil's advocate. You helped another sister with her wedding and enjoyed doing it. You were most likely congratulated on all the good work you did?

    Now the next in line sister comes along to get married. I would have thought that it would be natural to turn to you seeing as you did a good job for your other sister.

    The first sister had no bridal party because she couldn't afford to include everyone so just had none. Then everyone helped out and shared responsibilities.

    The second sister is having every sibling on both sides except for OP involved in the wedding somehow. This could mean that they are getting suits/dresses paid for as well as other bits and maybe a gift, and of course a special thank you. She has asked the OP to help out even though she has bridesmaids. OP will have to go to lots of expense and effort to facilitate the bride's requests, and then the bride will just not buy any gift or pay for anything as OP has no official role in the wedding.

    So, sister1 didn't involve anyone, sister2 has excluded OP but still wants to use her to get bits and pieces done, without paying for her dress or accommodation etc. All the bridesmaidy things without any of the 'rewards' that go with it... I hope you're starting to see the difference between sister1 and sister2!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Living Off The Splash


    It would be nice to know how far advanced the planning of the wedding arrangements are. If the sister hasn't gone wedding dress shopping or arranged the flowers or band or looked at invitation stationery or chosen photographers or visited hotels etc then the OP is getting upset about nothing because nothing has happened yet. Has the OP had any discussions regarding the above with her sister? If not then she is getting upset about nothing. It's early days yet. She can simply say "Whoa....no thanks..I wouldn't be able for that". But I get the feeling that things have progressed much further and the Op is trying to exit now.
    The only question that she needs to ask is why she wasn't chosen as one of the bridal party and to explain to her sister face to face and not by text why she just wants to be invited as a guest.
    Then the OP can relax. Otherwise the gossip will continue and she will look like someone looking for attention. As I said before, end it now, then stay quiet, but offer support without offering advice or making any suggestions.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    SISTERGATE!!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,433 ✭✭✭solerina


    My bridesmaids only job was to wear the dress (which they picked out) and enjoy their day...I did everything else myself...as do most brides...Good on you OP for saying you didn't want to help, she sounds like a total nightmare and you are better off staying out of this wedding organisation !!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,772 ✭✭✭mg1982


    Sligo1 wrote: »
    SISTERGATE!!!!

    Bridezilla vs warriorsis.


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