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Confused about my feelings

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  • 25-01-2021 12:59pm
    #1
    Traceyfinn00
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭


    Hi I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand why I'm not getting over a relationship that ended 5 months ago it was a very brief relationship but in that time he showered me with attention and affection I trusted him and opened my heard to then find out he had been lieing to me about his past on some serious issues,I found him cheating 2 times and forgave he had a way of making me believe him....then eventually I caught him cheating a 3d time when I confronted him he disssapered and completly blocked me and went to be with the new woman.....I know they r still together but I can't seem to get past why I'm so upset and angry still I know he was a bad man but that's why im stuck wondering why I can't hate him every day I've questions in my head to why I was not good enough to even get an apology....I'm still stuck in limbo not able to move forward


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    #2
    mistress_gi
    Registered Users Posts: 963 ✭✭✭mistress_gi


    Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this...
    Could it be that you think you didn't get closure of why he did what he did and then closed all communication?
    I think maybe you need to change your perspective in terms of this abrupt ending. You really need to count yourself lucky that you didn't loose half a lifetime to this relationship...
    He sounds like the ultimate relationship nightmare!
    I hope you get to a place where this is clear to you :)
    Good luck and many virtual hugs.


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    #3
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Cheating three times in 5 months means you met a bad egg, opened up him and let him into your life for about 4.5 months too long.

    The important question you should be asking yourself here is why? Why did you not pay attention to the army of red flags around this horrible person? Why did you not walk away after the first time, or the second time? Why do you believe you are not worth more than this? Are toxic, nasty men familiar to you? Think about these questions and try to be as honest as you can with yourself. Until you can answer them and get some clarity, arseholes like this man are going to have free reign to walk in and mess your life up again and again.


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    #4
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,661 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Sorry to hear you had this experience OP. How long did the relationship last?

    It sounds like you are in mourning for something that never was. Would I be right in saying that you badly want a relationship, to be loved? That you’ve had bad experiences in the past and believed this time it would work out?

    Men who shower women with attention and affection very early on - love bombing - can be a bit red flaggy tbh. They can spot somebody vulnerable and needy and they take advantage.

    Your lack of moving on implies that you had built this up in your head to be something that it just wasn’t in the end, and though it was brief you are mourning it as if it was long, because in your head it was real and serious.

    Please try and focus on the fact that he lied and cheated - remember that and not the showering you with affection piece. Know that you deserve much better and his poor treatment of you is not a reflection on you, solely on him - you had a lucky escape. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and get back out there :)


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    #5
    Traceyfinn00
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭Traceyfinn00


    Yes most of my relationships I've been poorly treated,this last ex though had me convinced I was the one to change him to be better,he would text me every day for hours on end declaring his love etc I did know in my heart he might hurt me especially when I found out the secrets he was hiding....he was drinking a lot also and would blame his actions on drink....I can accept what he did and put it down to him been a terrible person it's what it has done to my self esteem hurts most,,he told me he loved me then litterally 12 hours later went to another woman and I never heard a word again....I feel I was used until better came along


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    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Traceyfinn00 wrote: »
    why I was not good enough to even get an apology....I'm still stuck in limbo not able to move forward

    This is the problem - your perspective is completely skewered.

    You were good enough. You are good enough. You are not the issue.

    He's a liar and a cheat. He didn't even make it past the golden honeymoon period of the first few months without letting you down multiple times. You won't get a truthful and honest apology from someone like him because his only focus is himself, his pleasure and his ego. To apologise would be to express regret and admit fault, and I suspect he's a narcissist incapable of that.

    You're looking for an explanation for his behaviour - as if you're somehow to blame, or there's something which could have been changed - but that's a pointless exercise. Lying and cheating is his nature; you may as well ask why a snake slithers or why water is wet. Your only 'crime' here is taking him at face value and believing he was honest, which is what most of us will do until we find out otherwise.

    The only thing holding you back from moving on is you. Accept that there was nothing you could have changed and that he would have likely behaved this way whether it was you or one of a thousand other women.


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    #7
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    And you probably were used, OP. A man who tells you he loves you and 12 hours later is with another woman is probably going to try to get away with what he can get away with.

    You knew instinctively that he was bad news, and you went ahead and abandoned yourself and your instincts and gave all of your power to a cheat with an alcohol problem and expected him to magically treat you right.

    I really don't want to be harsh on you OP, but it's time to start sticking up for yourself. People can only treat you the way you let them treat you. YOU decide what you will tolerate, and you make it your full-time job to enforce those boundaries when you meet someone new. That means listening to your instincts. That means not believing words until they're backed up by actions. That means having dealbreakers like "I will not date men who have a drinking problem. I will not date men who cheat" and following through when you meet those types of men.


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    #8
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I guess it will be easier once you accept that he never loved you instead of holding on to a fantasy that you were fed and willingly swallowed.

    You will never get an honest response because you are just a number


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    #9
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    You dodged a bullet with that guy.
    Honestly Op you deserve way better than someone who's willing to lie through his teeth to you and cheat behind your back.

    Mourne the loss of a little of your trust then pick yourself up and find someone who deserves you.

    Take care


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    #10
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Op, he was using you. You need to move on.

    Life is full of shíts like your ex. He is never going to apologise to you unless it suits him.

    Just forget him, you didn't do anything wrong, the world is full of these type of people. You need to spot them going forward. Not everyone who you meet in life will be genuine with you, in fact very few are. Be wary of people who are nice to you in one breath and mean to you in another, they simply will not appreciate you and certainly don't respect you or your feelings.

    Don't dwell on it, you just meet assholes from time to time.


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    #11
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    this guy cheated on your repeatedly. you forgave him and the pattern continued.

    Now you are angry with him because he ghosted you and moved on with another woman. Not because he is a cheating lowlife who let you down, and isnt worth your time!

    Really truly this is a time to look in the mirror and resolve to never allow someone to treat you like that again. And to admit, you are the on who is lucky here. Imagine you had a child with this person, or bought a house together etc!

    No, your clean getaway is a blessing in disguise!


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    #12
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Some people want to be used, but they quickly become boring, which is likely the reason why he moves from one to the next


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    #13
    BRINDON
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭BRINDON


    Hi there,

    From a man's perspective I'd say build a bridge and get over it, you should have ran him the first time you caught him cheating, but hindsight is no good to you now - genuinely you need a distraction, regular exercise, a new hobby, new boyfriend, new future prospects to look forward to because it sounds like you are not occupying your mind and wasting your energy on pointless thoughts, get out jogging, get a puppy because that can work wonders for the mind.


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