I don't think I orgasm but my boyfriend does

nettles648 · 07-07-2020 2:29pm #1

I've been having sex with my boyfriend for six months and I don't think I've orgasmed in that time (but he does!). All the signs are there: intense vocalisations, wetness, fast heart rate and muscle contractions but I don't feel the kind of build up and release thing... I've tried masturbating but I'm not that into it on my own and so probably don't keep up the intensity long enough. My boyfriend and I try lots of different positions and stuff and I think I have been getting closer but it takes such a long time to get anywhere near orgasm and I worry that he'll stop caring! He's very patient and is willing to put in the time but recently he's said that maybe what I.m experiencing IS my orgasm but I can't help thinking there's something more. Any advice would be much appreciated!

Risingshadoo · 07-07-2020 9:25pm

Basically figure out what makes you come quicker and get him to do that. I had a gf like you, she took about 20 - 30 minutes to come. We just experimented a bit trying to find stuff that would make her orgasm quicker. Cos i cant go that long haha. This is male biology unfortunately

You seem like you have discussed this with him. Now he has to focus a bit more on finding what floats your boat (cringey sounding, i know)

Do you have any fetishes or anything that drives you crazy? ( Don't answer that haha)

cj maxx · 08-07-2020 12:31am

What you're experiencing may be your orgasm. An old girlfriend of mine told me she's never orgasmed. Still loves sex though. I'm not even sure if I have based on Hollywood movies depiction of an orgasm. Play around with your boyfriend and don't don't put yourself under undue pressure.

qwerty13 · 08-07-2020 12:39am

In my opinion, you need to get masturbating! Figure out what excites you, what doesn’t do it for you so much. And then you can ask your partner to do the things that truly excite you.

I know you've said that you’re not feeling it on your own - but you’ve also said that he is willing to ‘put in the time’. So if he is willing to do so, surely you should be willing to put in the time on your own too, which will hopefully be a pleasurable learning experience for you, which you can then put to happy use together.

openup · 08-07-2020 10:13am

I'm not trying to be rude but I sort of don't understnad the problem here? I'm 30 and have orgasmed maybe 4/5 times total (Mainly with a partner, once by myself). Otherwise I just experience what you experience. Get all the build up, don't get the release. But, honestly, why does it matter. If he thinks you're orgasming, grand, let him think that. What difference does is make? If you're only worrying about the last 10 seconds you're not going to enjoy the whole process. I've reached a point where I couldn't care less about orgasms. I have sex till one party doesn't want to anymore - whether it's because someone came or someone is bored or whatever else. I suggest you and him take on the same mentality - it shouldn't be stressful.

[Deleted User] · 08-07-2020 11:24am

If you don't think you've orgasmed, you haven't orgasmed. I can't believe the cheek of him thinking he knows better than you about your own body.

It's totally normal to have great sex and just not orgasm, especially if it's only penetrative. It's very common for women to end up faking orgasms because we're put under pressure to get there (or risk offending someone's pride).

I know women who went a fair portion of their most sexually active years never having had an orgasm, and then when they came into their 30's they started being able to. No point in putting pressure on yourself.

Hoboo · 08-07-2020 11:35am

true-or-false wrote: »

If you don't think you've orgasmed, you haven't orgasmed. I can't believe the cheek of him thinking he knows better than you about your own body.

It's totally normal to have great sex and just not orgasm, especially if it's only penetrative. It's very common for women to end up faking orgasms because we're put under pressure to get there (or risk offending someone's pride).

I know women who went a fair portion of their most sexually active years never having had an orgasm, and then when they came into their 30's they started being able to. No point in putting pressure on yourself.

Slightly contradictory.......Only person putting you under pressure is yourself, and although trying to blame the partner in your second paragraph, you admit it it's yourself in the final line.

If you're with a guy you think that for some reason, pride being the given example, would want you to fake it, you need to question your choice in partner. Doesn't sound like the most educated/sexually mature guys, learned from porn and the pub.

osarusan · 08-07-2020 12:46pm

true-or-false wrote: »

If you don't think you've orgasmed, you haven't orgasmed. I can't believe the cheek of him thinking he knows better than you about your own body.

I don't think that's fair at all, it sounds like he's genuinely trying to make things as pleasurable as possible.

Tbf, the issue here is that the OP doesn't seem to know her own body all that well, if she is not sure if she has ever orgasmed or not.

As others have said, probably the first step is for her to try and reach it by herself.

KiKi III · 08-07-2020 12:49pm

Definitely get masturbating. When you have orgasmed, you’ll know. Make sure there’s lots of foreplay. Use sex toys. Figure out if penetration or playing with your clit are more pleasurable for you.

LegacyUser · 08-07-2020 1:14pm

I used to have trouble masturbating and having orgasms until I got better at finding out how my body worked. The gamechanger was getting a rampant rabbit and turning its setting up to the max. I used to use it and watch some racy DVDs on my bedroom telly to help me get there. After that I got better at being able to bring myself to climax using my own fingers. Once I cracked how to get myself there it got easier when I started having sex with men again.

openup · 08-07-2020 2:11pm

I really hate that people are telling you to masturbate as if you won't have tried that. It's like asking someone with acne if they've tried washing their face. The only genuinely novel suggestion I've ever recieved is to try a clitoral suction toy like the "womanizer". Still haven't come from it but it's a different, more intense pleasure than traditional toys or your hand.

1hnr79jr65 · 08-07-2020 2:26pm

Op have you tried sensory play ? Perhaps something as simple as a blindfold or maybe earmuffs could help. Other senses do get heightened once others are disabled, maybe reducing the visual and audio aspect may help. Combine that with something like coconut oil for massage/foreplay for increased smell that could also relax you more and when both comfortable get down to sex while still sensory deprived.

This may or may not help, but worth a go as your touch sensitivity would increase with sound and sight out of play and could be more fun combined with nice aroma oils.

bitofabind · 08-07-2020 2:29pm

Is this an unusual experience for you OP? How do your past sexual experiences with other men compare?

I'm asking because most women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. It shouldn't be the end goal, men usually will and women usually won't, it's just the way it is. You should experiment with other things like oral, foreplay and masturbation to see what works for you. I know you've tried masturbation but I think it's important to keep experimenting with that. Without understanding what gets you off, it's gonna be pretty difficult to show your OH what brings you over the edge.

amdublin · 08-07-2020 8:58pm

I think her name is Tracey cox, a sex therapist, Australian. She says;
- get a vibrator. Relax and enjoy. Orgasm. Learn what it feels like
- throw the vibrator away at rhis point. Move to fingers. Learn how to come that way.
- show your partner what you like

Neon_Lights · 11-07-2020 9:01am

The below has helped me as a guy (albeit slightly seedy) to understand how ladies work in that department better, honestly it can be confusing to guys. It's not something that's thaught generally, but also there's an expectation that it's widely known knowledge or intuitive.

It might be blunt to obviously dish out content to your fella, but hopefully can generate a few subtle ideas or pointers on helping him to understand what he can do better to make the experience more fun for you. Hope it helps.

https://badgirlsbible.com/bad-boys-bible-how-to-pleasure-a-woman

I don't think I orgasm but my boyfriend does

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