How do you cope with living abroad?

Ruu_Old · 07-10-2006 8:18pm #1

living abroad, in my case, living away from my house in Ireland. I've been in the US for over a year now and I am continuing to struggle. Is it going to get any better? I keep busy and contact home fairly often. Somedays are worse than others and I just want to hope on the plane and go home. What do you do to stop yourself from going mad?

Nina_Angelica · 08-10-2006 8:21am

you think of the reason you went there in the first place

i think it gets better. i don't know, i felt that way after living in ireland for 5 months (even though i love the place), but i love him, so i went. after a year i did move home, but he loves me, so now, he's here

there are days i *know* he wants to go home and we'll go back someday but for now this is it. we bring ireland to our home, might sound silly but we have tons of pics/paintings that we hang, loads of coffee table books on ireland and of course an 'irish blessing' wall mount.

you could try that? that and regular visits home i guess?! we're headed back this year for christmas, can't wait!

Ruu_Old · 08-10-2006 2:33pm

Yep, I have a massive Irish flag on the wall with all sorts of things. My folks send me over crisps and so on. I moved here mainly because its far cheaper than Ireland for living and my wife is from here, was missing her friends and family. Unfortunately I can't fly home as much as I want to with flights being costly enough at times. I am heading home for a few days in November so will see what happens.

The Sweeper · 08-10-2006 4:59pm

Weird that this thread has come up today. I'm getting a hankering to move back to Ireland, after four and a bit years in the Greater London/Surrey area. It's not that I'm missing Ireland badly, but an acquaintance of mine summed up London for me perfectly.

He used to do the same job I do - freelance writer - so he, like me, kept really odd hours. When you keep odd hours, you can't commit to anything like a regular class, training session, music lesson or somesuch - so basically you're left to your own devices to come up with extra curricular activities.

The town I live in is very much commuter belt clone-town. It's 25 minutes from London Waterloo on the train, and has two shopping centres with one of every high street store. It's pleasant enough, but after a while you realise that there's nothing to do. I made a bunch of mates, and then got really tired of living the same weekend, Groundhog Day Style - Friday: DVD and a pizza. Saturday: hockey, beer, curry, beer, bed. Sunday: hangover, drag self to Sunday lunch in a pub. Spend afternoon regarding the steady advancement of Monday morning with dour resentment.

The way my acquaintance described London was "There's nothing to do in this town except sit on your arse, getting fatter and fatter and fatter." He moved back to Vancouver after nearly five years in London.

Not that there was so much more to do in Dublin, but I do remember spending the six months before I left Ireland walking everywhere (which you don't do in the Home Counties, you take the car everywhere, because the transport links to anywhere except London are RUBBISH). I could also pretty much find someone else who was bored and wanted to go do something different virtually every weekend.

So for me, it's not as much Tayto and the Tricolour I miss, it's more the pros of having the advantages of a city in a handy pocket size that Dublin provides. It's taken me four years to realise it wasn't the city I hated, it was a few people from a past life that I wanted to get away from, and while I stayed in Dublin I coudn't get past that. It's kinda nice to be over that, but this hankering to live in Ireland again, if only for 18 months or so, is a surprise!

Ruu_Old · 08-10-2006 5:06pm

I was actually talking to the wifey about moving to England again. I lived in a quiet estate in Dagenham and I can't remember why I left it. When I was at home it was about my bank, my supervalu, my londis, my club. I am still lost.

Lump · 08-10-2006 7:08pm

To be honest, I can relate to "MinesBIGSLUT" (LOL at the name change btw)

I keep crazy hours, so much so that I can even do the weekend routine, I haven't been out in an age and because I work shifts there's no chance that I can sign up to classes or any regualar event, I can't even watch TV series on tv because I don't know when I'll be home

.

I work so much Partially because I'm a workaholic, but mostly because work "Needs" me. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but sometimes I miss working in a Shop/supermarket where you can meet different people everyday, I know it sounds sad but I'm working on my own mostly and it sends you a bit nuts.

Living in London, I kind of miss the small town situation I grew up in. Practically knowing everyone personally or through some one else. Headin to the local across the road, meeting with friends on a weeknight without worrying about getting home (Most places are within walking distance in Kilkenny). In London everything seems to be a chore, my local is 10 minutes away, and if I want to go to a night club it's a 20 minute bus journey. I like small towns..... god knows what I'm doing in London

John

The Sweeper · 08-10-2006 7:37pm

I hear you on the work thing. I work for myself now, and while it's 100 times better than working for anyone else, I'm still very undisciplined about ensuring I have time 'just for me'.

The other extremely difficult thing about moving around when you're an adult, to be honest, is making new friends. You'll make a bunch of mates, yes, but I personally believe it's EXTREMELY rare to make as close a friend as one you've had through childhood or teens. Depends where you go though - my mother in law assures me that practically everyone in Australia is in the same boat - travelling and living away from family and friends - so they're generally a more friendly bunch.

The most I know about living in England is that I couldn't pick out the couple whose front door faces mine in a line up if you offered me a thousand pound to do it. And we've lived here nearly two years.

Ruu_Old · 08-10-2006 7:51pm

Lump wrote:

Living in London, I kind of miss the small town situation I grew up in. Practically knowing everyone personally or through some one else. Headin to the local across the road, meeting with friends on a weeknight without worrying about getting home (Most places are within walking distance in Kilkenny). In London everything seems to be a chore, my local is 10 minutes away, and if I want to go to a night club it's a 20 minute bus journey. I like small towns..... god knows what I'm doing in London

That is an issue for me. I walk into the bank/shop/anywhere and expect to hear my first name or a familiar face, I just don't know any bloody one.

Time to rethink things over me reckons.

daiixi · 08-10-2006 8:01pm

The first few years I spent away from home were great. I was meeting lots of amazing people and travelling. I'm now still travelling and meeting people but I'm sick and tired of having friends go home and missing the people I left behind. Now I cope with being away by counting down the months until I leave. There are so many things I'm going to miss about Dublin and the ease of travel. There's so many things I've been missing about London for the past two years. As much as I love being here, home is home.
One thing I have learned though is that it takes at least six months to start to feel really comfortable anywhere new.

Dont be at yourself · 08-10-2006 8:48pm

You're probably going through what is known as culture shock - it's an interesting concept, and one that I know I definitely went through when I lived abroad.

It starts with what's known as the honeymoon phase - everything is wonderful, amazing and you dont want to leave. For me this lasted about a month, before I entered the next stage.

I was living in Japan, and having only recently arrived, there was lots of form-filling etc to be done. So all this **** started to get to me, and I missed the more laid-back Ireland, and I just started to hate any little annoying thing that was different - from the price of a pint to the small shoe sizes to the coldness of supermarket staff.

But then, you get used to it. You learn to accept it, to understand it, to not be bothered by it. You appreciate the good stuff.

As the date of my flight home approached, I started to think more about Ireland and how great it all was etc and my enthusiasm for Japan waned, but then I got back to Ireland and experienced Culture Shock (but in a lot shorter time frame!) all over again!

How did I cope? I tried to limit myself to contacting home to once a week. I kept up contacting my girlfriend daily, and in the end it almost drove me insane. I tried to get out and immerse myself as much as possible in the culture, and I didnt hang a tricolor on my wall. I had other foreign friends with whom I could take a breather from Japanese culture with (by going to a soccer game, or whatever). Try and make as clean a break as possible with Ireland, it'll all be there when you get back.

Lump · 08-10-2006 9:42pm

MinesBIGSLUT wrote:

I hear you on the work thing. I work for myself now, and while it's 100 times better than working for anyone else, I'm still very undisciplined about ensuring I have time 'just for me'.

The other extremely difficult thing about moving around when you're an adult, to be honest, is making new friends. You'll make a bunch of mates, yes, but I personally believe it's EXTREMELY rare to make as close a friend as one you've had through childhood or teens. Depends where you go though - my mother in law assures me that practically everyone in Australia is in the same boat - travelling and living away from family and friends - so they're generally a more friendly bunch.

The most I know about living in England is that I couldn't pick out the couple whose front door faces mine in a line up if you offered me a thousand pound to do it. And we've lived here nearly two years.

I couldn't point out anyone that lived on my street if I needed to either! Maybe there should be another boards beers in London that I can actually make it to

John

Lump · 08-10-2006 9:45pm

Culture Shock?! I've been in England for 5 years. I do agree with the point about making good friends when you're older, I don't think it happens. I have 1 really really good friend in London, he's 2 years younger then me and we get on great, I am friendly with other people obviously but have never been to their houses or stuff like that. All my college friends are in different parts of the country and either not working or still studying, so they are too skint to travel to London and I don't have the time to go to see them..... scotland is a long way from London.

John

Gandhi · 09-10-2006 3:13pm

I must be really lucky, as I have never felt that I had to "cope" with living abroad. I've been in Philly for eleven years (aaah!!! I'm getting old!!) at this stage, and I can't remember ever feeling excessively homesick. There were moments when I wished I could have made it home for some wedding, or for Christmas, but that was about it.

Maybe I settled in just in time before the novelty wore off. Most of my college / school friends and family also moved away, so even if I missed them all badly, I know moving home would not fix that.

Jimoslimos · 09-10-2006 3:51pm

MinesBIGSLUT wrote:

I hear you on the work thing. I work for myself now, and while it's 100 times better than working for anyone else, I'm still very undisciplined about ensuring I have time 'just for me'.

The other extremely difficult thing about moving around when you're an adult, to be honest, is making new friends. You'll make a bunch of mates, yes, but I personally believe it's EXTREMELY rare to make as close a friend as one you've had through childhood or teens. Depends where you go though - my mother in law assures me that practically everyone in Australia is in the same boat - travelling and living away from family and friends - so they're generally a more friendly bunch.

The most I know about living in England is that I couldn't pick out the couple whose front door faces mine in a line up if you offered me a thousand pound to do it. And we've lived here nearly two years.

I'll pretty much second eveything MinesBIGSLUT said about life in London. I'm in a similar situation living on the M25/outskirts of London with my girlfriend. The only people we go out with would be her friends from work and even then it seems to be because they are in a similar situation to us - moved to London from abroad. As for neighbours - living in our flat for nearly two years and I'd struggle to recognise any of them. To give an example, neighbours next door threw a party during the summer - lots of music, people, drink etc., Now I didn't mind the noise (don't have kids, weekend night, pretty much the first and only party to date) or not being invited (don't know them) but I was a little peeved that we weren't even informed that there was going to be a party. I don't believe this would have happened at home or am I seeing Ireland with rose-tinted spectacles? It seems everyone here keeps to their own space and doesn't seek to involve themselves with anybody outside of it.

Going back in two weeks for weekend and then two weeks at Christmas. I'm looking forward to it but from previous experience I know that once I'm there a couple of days I'll start to count the days until I go back to London - don't have a clue why.

Lump · 09-10-2006 4:24pm

To be honest, I wouldn't say I'm home sick, just miss aspects of Small town living I guess. 3 years of my 5 living in England was spent in Carlisle which a small town, so I miss that more then anything I guess.

John

The Sweeper · 09-10-2006 5:05pm

Jimoslimos wrote:

I'm looking forward to it but from previous experience I know that once I'm there a couple of days I'll start to count the days until I go back to London - don't have a clue why.

Quoted for truth.

Much as I'm currently feeling disenchanted with where I live, I know that however rosy Ireland looks at the moment, I'll be in it two months, and I'll already be seething about shoite customer services from somewhere, have been left at a bus terminus at night in the pissing rain because the bus just didn't show, been left speechless at the price of two pints in a Dublin bar, be utterly frustrated by the contents of the newspapers, be wishing someone in the public eye would just get over themselves, be aghast at the amount of knackers, be hugely uncomfortable about some racial situation and be bitching that I can't buy fresh lemongrass/tamarind paste/a decent curry/chili sauce in a 1 litre bottle/Fuller's Honeydew/Golden Glory/whatever.

We're cats. That's it. We're just cats.

In?

Want to be out.

Out?

Want to be in.

In?

Want to be...

eiretamicha · 09-10-2006 7:57pm

I feel for you, Ruu. Aidan and I were supposed to be moving back to Ireland in May...but now it's postponed because he can't find a friggin job! It's so frustrating because he's 100% qualified in every job he's applied for...and these employers are completely ignoring his applications. I just don't understand it. Maybe the employers here think they need to fill out special paperwork for immigrants? Ugh, I dunno. But we're both pretty homesick. *sigh*

I know everyone's got different opinions on the matter, and both countries have their pros and cons...but overall, this place really just can't compare to Ireland. We want to go home.

Try to keep your chin up.

Gandhi · 09-10-2006 8:58pm

Eiretamicha,

Is your husband / boyfriend mentioning on his resume that he is qualified to work in the US? Usually at the very end of a resume I would always put something like:

Immigration Status: Resident Alien (Green Card Holder)

Putting in the words "Green Card" removes any ambiguity, as many people would have no idea what "Resident Alien" means.

Ruu_Old · 09-10-2006 9:34pm

eiretamicha wrote:

I feel for you, Ruu. Aidan and I were supposed to be moving back to Ireland in May...but now it's postponed because he can't find a friggin job! It's so frustrating because he's 100% qualified in every job he's applied for...and these employers are completely ignoring his applications. I just don't understand it. Maybe the employers here think they need to fill out special paperwork for immigrants? Ugh, I dunno. But we're both pretty homesick. *sigh*

I know everyone's got different opinions on the matter, and both countries have their pros and cons...but overall, this place really just can't compare to Ireland. We want to go home.

Try to keep your chin up.

Thanks. Yep most of the places I applied for never even got back to me, despite my many calls. My real estate agent suggested that I "Americanize" my resume and see how far I get. I just have to pick myself up, dust off and keep trying. Most employers have asked me if I was eligible to work and I mentioned that my resident status was permanent.

Ajos · 09-10-2006 11:09pm

I've been living here in NYC for three years now, and I love it. It's just better than Dublin - it's a far superior city, and I love cities. I have no Irish flags and I speak to my family maybe once a week if that. I think you have to embrace where you are, and if you can't do that then of course you'll be miserable. It must suck to be in the States and missing home as badly as you seem to. It's great here!

I just don't feel that strongly about home. Home's home, and I may well feel differently about it in a few years, but I honestly have no plans or desire to leave here. I don't know why that is. If I had to ask what I had to do to stop myself going mad then I would leave in a heartbeat. As it is I'm the same way as MinesBIGSLUT and Jimoslimos - a few days in Dublin (particularly in winter) and I'm longing for the 24 hour subway and cultural diversity (I know Dublin's more diverse than it was, but it doesn't hold a candle to NYC) and the cheap, good restaurants (a hard combination to find in Dublin).

And I find people friendlier in New York than in Dublin, which surprised me enormously at first. I was worried about making friends (that's one thing I do miss about Dublin - old friends) but I've found that here if you make the effort you can make good mates whatever age you are. It didn't come naturally to me - I'm fairly shy - but I moved here without a job offer and without knowing a single soul in the city and I knew if I didn't build a social network early on I wouldn't make it.

It was tough at first, but one year later I was standing up speaking for the groom in German at a Jewish wedding in Vegas, looking out at a crowd of people I never could have conceived of knowing a year before. The idea that I might have just taken the easy route, stayed at home and missed all of that, and all that has happened since, is completely horrifying to me. I wouldn't even have known what I was missing.

I guess you have to want to like the place you're at. If you have an Irish flag on your wall and you still miss the crisps it sounds like you aren't that interested in learning to love what's about you. When I came here I really wanted to be a part of the city. Maybe that's the difference?

Ruu_Old · 10-10-2006 12:58am

Thats pretty much it, I haven't embraced my surroundings and its time I got off my arsh and done something about it and as we have seen different people cope different ways.

Ponster · 10-10-2006 11:59am

Ruu, I came to France in 1998 with my girlfriend, found a job and settled down just outside of Paris. To be honest when I go home I don't feel the same as I used to before and don't long too much for home because all my life/friends are here. I try to see what Paris has to offer that Clonmel doesn't and make the most of it, ding the things I can only do here, before I move on elsewhere.

Gandhi · 10-10-2006 1:41pm

Ponster wrote:

I try to see what Paris has to offer that Clonmel doesn't...

Don't even try to tell us that Paris can offer anything that Clonmel doesn't!!!

Ponster · 10-10-2006 1:49pm

Ahhhh...how I long for the days of having to end a great chat in the pub because it shut at 12 only to be herded off to the disco to try and desperatly continue the conversation and end up outside McDo at 4am with the street covered in puke and rubbish while everyone fights their best friends to get a taxi.

BossArky · 10-10-2006 2:37pm

Ajos wrote:

I've been living here in NYC for three years now, and I love it. It's just better than Dublin - it's a far superior city, and I love cities. I have no Irish flags and I speak to my family maybe once a week if that. I think you have to embrace where you are, and if you can't do that then of course you'll be miserable. It must suck to be in the States and missing home as badly as you seem to. It's great here!

I just don't feel that strongly about home. Home's home, and I may well feel differently about it in a few years, but I honestly have no plans or desire to leave here. I don't know why that is. If I had to ask what I had to do to stop myself going mad then I would leave in a heartbeat. As it is I'm the same way as MinesBIGSLUT and Jimoslimos - a few days in Dublin (particularly in winter) and I'm longing for the 24 hour subway and cultural diversity (I know Dublin's more diverse than it was, but it doesn't hold a candle to NYC) and the cheap, good restaurants (a hard combination to find in Dublin).

And I find people friendlier in New York than in Dublin, which surprised me enormously at first. I was worried about making friends (that's one thing I do miss about Dublin - old friends) but I've found that here if you make the effort you can make good mates whatever age you are. It didn't come naturally to me - I'm fairly shy - but I moved here without a job offer and without knowing a single soul in the city and I knew if I didn't build a social network early on I wouldn't make it.

It was tough at first, but one year later I was standing up speaking for the groom in German at a Jewish wedding in Vegas, looking out at a crowd of people I never could have conceived of knowing a year before. The idea that I might have just taken the easy route, stayed at home and missed all of that, and all that has happened since, is completely horrifying to me. I wouldn't even have known what I was missing.

I guess you have to want to like the place you're at. If you have an Irish flag on your wall and you still miss the crisps it sounds like you aren't that interested in learning to love what's about you. When I came here I really wanted to be a part of the city. Maybe that's the difference?

Great post. Embrace the now!

BossArky · 10-10-2006 3:43pm

Gandhi wrote:

Don't even try to tell us that Paris can offer anything that Clonmel doesn't!!!

I am from Clonmel too! Biggest inland town in Ireland

Of the three years since I left Ireland after uni, I have been back to Clonmel twice. As someone said above, it shines golden in the memory, but once back there it would feel like time to leave again.

eiretamicha · 10-10-2006 3:50pm

Gandhi wrote:

Eiretamicha,

Is your husband / boyfriend mentioning on his resume that he is qualified to work in the US? Usually at the very end of a resume I would always put something like:

Immigration Status: Resident Alien (Green Card Holder)

Putting in the words "Green Card" removes any ambiguity, as many people would have no idea what "Resident Alien" means.

Yep, we put on his CV "Work Status - Employment Authorization Document issued by the Department of Homeland Security-USCIS; authorized to work for any employer in the US."

And I've also completely Americanized his CV/resume'. We've tried every trick in the book. And the husband is still jobless.

***

I also feel the need to point out that even when you do embrace your surroundings, sometimes the place you're living in just isn't "home" (and by home, I mean home in your heart, not "back home" like where you were born and raised). I was born up north in Rhode Island (near Mass.) and raised in Florida. I moved to Scotland almost 3 years ago, and then to Ireland 2 years ago. Now I'm back in Florida again. I embraced the life and culture of the places I was living; I loved to learn about the country's history...anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can love your surroundings, you can soak it all in and quench your thirst for knowledge of a different place. But home is home, and being homesick does not mean that you're not interested in learning about your surroundings.

Rhode Island has great things about it, as well as Florida, and Scotland. I could learn to live and thrive in any of those places. But if Ireland (or anywhere else) is where I want to truly live, then why stay in Florida? That's what holidays are for.

Gandhi · 10-10-2006 4:41pm

eiretamicha wrote:

Yep, we put on his CV "Work Status - Employment Authorization Document issued by the Department of Homeland Security-USCIS; authorized to work for any employer in the US."

I would simplify that a lot. Something more like:

Immigration Status: Authorized for Permanent US Residency and Employment (DV-98)

(Replace DV-98 with whatever visa type he has). If he has residency through marriage, he should have a green card, right? If so, just put:

Immigration Status: Green Card Holder

Remember that most companies get absolutely spammed with resumes for any job openings, so they have either automated search engines, or interns screening resumes before they would get near anyone who knows anything about immigration law. They need to see easily recognizable words like "Green Card" or "Citizen" on a resume with lots of foreign education and experience.

Ajos · 10-10-2006 5:39pm

eiretamicha wrote:

I also feel the need to point out that even when you do embrace your surroundings, sometimes the place you're living in just isn't "home" (and by home, I mean home in your heart, not "back home" like where you were born and raised). I was born up north in Rhode Island (near Mass.) and raised in Florida. I moved to Scotland almost 3 years ago, and then to Ireland 2 years ago. Now I'm back in Florida again. I embraced the life and culture of the places I was living; I loved to learn about the country's history...anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can love your surroundings, you can soak it all in and quench your thirst for knowledge of a different place. But home is home, and being homesick does not mean that you're not interested in learning about your surroundings. Rhode Island has great things about it, as well as Florida, and Scotland. I could learn to live and thrive in any of those places. But if Ireland (or anywhere else) is where I want to truly live, then why stay in Florida? That's what holidays are for.

True, true. But the question was "How do you cope?" My answer is "By loving it!", which probably sounds a little smug, but there you go.

Ponster wrote:

Ahhhh...how I long for the days of having to end a great chat in the pub because it shut at 12 only to be herded off to the disco to try and desperatly continue the conversation and end up outside McDo at 4am with the street covered in puke and rubbish while everyone fights their best friends to get a taxi.

It all comes flooding back... Dublin will always be my home. Most of my family and my old friends are there. I have loads of great memories of the place. But in many ways it just really, really sucks.

Ruu_Old · 10-10-2006 9:52pm

I hopped on the bus and went around to places I never knew existed in this town.

Ah yes soon I will have it taken over. *flexes*

Lirange · 10-10-2006 10:02pm

I noticed Ruu frequenting the Food forum and the Retro forum. Hunger for Irish grub and Nostalgia pangs.

That surely doesn't help alleviate the Homesickness.

How do you cope with living abroad?

Comments