Hopefully overthinking only.

thepeachyone · 14-12-2018 2:47pm #1

Hi all.

This will seem ridiculously petty but I'm not sure what to do.

I think I blanked my friends boyfriend in the supermarket last week. I've only met him once, more than six months ago and briefly. I wasn't sure it was even him in the supermarket, I was in a rush as it was closing time and I was on my way to meet someone so I was a million miles away and he looked up and seemed to recognise me, I think I possibly frowned at him and kept going. When I thought it might be him, I should have doubled back but I was in a rush and kept going. This is over a week ago.

I would have texted my friend to check if it was anyone else but there has been drama between us in the past and I tend to give her a wide berth but she is part of a group of four of us that are important to me and I don't want the group dynamic to slip. A month ago, we all met up and it turned out I had been in a yoga class with her bf but I didn't recognise him (there were only two guys there) and said friend awkwardly stared me out of it in front of my other friends as if I ignored him, making it terribly uncomfortable for me and our other friends there too.

I'm overthinking this but I have actually been to counselling over the drama caused in this friendship before. There was a breakdown in trust on both sides, she seemed able to move on from it but I always found it difficult and have been wary ever since. I had a handle on things up until the staredown. I don't know whether to text and explain the situation as above or just leave it. We are in our 30's which makes this doubly embarrassing. Please advise.

woodchuck · 14-12-2018 2:51pm

You are definitely overthinking this. Don't send a text as there is no "situation" that needs to be explained!

As for your friendship, if it's causing you so much trouble, why are you still even friends with her?

liquoriceall · 14-12-2018 2:53pm

I have no idea how you are using the word friend for this person?? You have had to attend counselling due to the dynamic in the past but you are still persisting in this friendship? There are far worse fates than being alone

Sardonicat · 14-12-2018 2:55pm

So, your "friend " stared you down over not recognising her boyfriend that you had met once many months before and now you're worried about her reaction to you failing to recognise him again?

OP, if your "friend" overreacts and punishes you for something that wasn't your fault to the extent you need counselling and are posting to strangers on boards looking for advice it's time to reappraise your friend group and just why it's so important to you.

You haven't done anything wrong.

thepeachyone · 14-12-2018 4:03pm

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate just being able to bounce it off someone!

I use the term 'friend' loosely - she's more than an acquaintance, we would have been best friends a long time ago. We are in a small town and involved in a lot of the same groups so I can't avoid her and I'd rather be on good terms and avoid tension than snub each other and it seems like it could only go either way with her. She tends to be quite narcissistic, I never saw it until we fell out years ago. The counselling started out for different reasons, but due to the tension in that friendship, a lot of the sessions became about how to manage that situation. At this stage, I only see her about once a month but that will increase once sports club takes up again in better weather. She can't be avoided unfortunately. And the other girls in that group have been very good friends to us both. Hence, I'm not rethinking their friendship.

Do I mention the supermarket run in next time i see her or leave it? If I'm lucky, it won't come up. Knowing her, if it was her bf, she will be frosty. I know her form, the reason I wanted to text first was to offset potential drama rather than bringing it on myself at a later point in front of others!

Mr. Incognito · 14-12-2018 4:14pm

She sounds like a knob

How dare you dont recongnise a stranger who is a friend of hers.

I'd be "refusing" to acknowledge her in future.

Life is too short for that ****.

Sardonicat · 14-12-2018 4:17pm

No don't text her!

If she tries to create drama over nothing tell her where to go. Why should her drama bleed into other activities that you're both involved in? Why should it affect your other friendships? Is she a bully? Are you afraid of her reactions? Are you afraid of her?

Reflect on how you are reacting to failing to recognise someone. That's something that happens to everyone. Why are you now in a panic over it? How can she have this much influence over you?

woodchuck · 14-12-2018 4:35pm

thepeachyone wrote: »

Do I mention the supermarket run in next time i see her or leave it? If I'm lucky, it won't come up. Knowing her, if it was her bf, she will be frosty. I know her form, the reason I wanted to text first was to offset potential drama rather than bringing it on myself at a later point in front of others!

No, don't mention it! There really isn't anything worth mentioning. IF her bf mentioned it to her and she brings it up, just brush it off as the non-event that it is.

jimgoose · 14-12-2018 4:50pm

This "friend" of yours is an abusive, narcissistic bully and needs to be told to take a good long walk off a short jetty. It's this boyfriend that I feel sorry for.

miamee · 14-12-2018 4:53pm

woodchuck wrote: »

No, don't mention it! There really isn't anything worth mentioning. IF her bf mentioned it to her and she brings it up, just brush it off as the non-event that it is.

And IF she says the bf saw you, ask why he didn't bother coming over to say hello to YOU? It's all very childish, I'd start putting a bit of distance between the pair of you. It is still possible to be in a group of friends without being the best of friends with them all.

WildWater · 14-12-2018 4:53pm

Overthinking 100%

One evening, I was getting a take away in my home town, that I left many years ago and now only visit once in the proverbial blue moon. Anyway, this good looking young one walks in, sees me and immediately smiles, says hello to me by name! How am I etc. Now I know, I know this person and she clearly knows me but I can't for the life of me place her. Thankfully the place is busy and not too conducive to conversation. So a couple of quick pleasantries later my order is ready (thank feck) and I make my exit with see yeah or whatever.

It was days later before it dawned on me that she was my nephew's girlfriend (now wife).

:o:o:o:o Now that's on a whole other level to blanking someone you only ever met once and that you really have no connect to.

messy tessy · 14-12-2018 8:15pm

It all sounds very secondary school ish to be honest!!

You are getting worked up over nothing. Life is too short to be worried about slights or perceived slights from a supposed 'friend'. No need for any texts, or explanations of any kind.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-12-2018 12:10am

This is as good a time as any to learn how to adopt an "I don't give a monkey's" attitude. You didn't do anything wrong here. I've walked past people I know and didn't notice them. Or have had them say hello to me when I've been miles away. I've met people I know on the street who've been miles away too and (hopefully!

) haven't seen me. It happens and there's no malice intended. Besides, if you've only met him briefly, it's a big ask to remember his face. Some people have photographic memories when it comes to remembering faces but it's not everyone's strong point.

What advice did your counsellor give you when it comes to dealing with this woman. Or indeed, what progress have you made? From what I'm reading here, you appear to be still in a lot of trouble. I understand where you're coming from in terms of having to still stay in contact with her but you still don't get it. You have nothing to apologise for and you should not be even thinking about texting her to explain herself. All that that is doing is giving her the upper hand again and making you seem weak.

Seeing as you're stuck with her because of the shared hobby/social situation, my advice to you is to not seek out her company. If you can, don't sit beside or her opposite her. Exchange pleasantries and all that but keep her at a relative distance. Put it this way - if you didn't spot the boyfriend of someone who wasn't a close friend, would you even think about trying to right that? Use that as a yardstick for your decision making.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-12-2018 12:27am

He's very unlikely to go back to her and tell her he saw you and you gave him a dirty look!

She is unlikely to mention it to you. In the unlikely event that she does, you simply say "God, I never saw him. I'm usually on autopilot in the shop" or something similar.

Stop giving her so much importance in your life.

SirChenjin · 15-12-2018 10:00pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's very unlikely to go back to her and tell her he saw you and you gave him a dirty look!

She is unlikely to mention it to you. In the unlikely event that she does, you simply say "God, I never saw him. I'm usually on autopilot in the shop" or something similar.

Stop giving her so much importance in your life.

+1 to this. If she raises it, look blank, and say as above.
Long term, phase this person out of your life.

Mind yourself and mind your health.

Katgurl · 16-12-2018 8:51am

OP this is not something you should be feeling bad about or obliged to explain to your friend. You've done absolutely nothing wrong here.

I remember deciding to walk home from work one day instead of catching the bus. I smiled absentmindedly at a boy pushing his bike by me. He smiled back and kept going. Ten seconds later we had both doubled back toward each other laughing - it was my (yes MY) boyfriend. We simply hadn't expected to see each other and each of us were deep in thought.

thepeachyone · 16-12-2018 2:54pm

Thanks to you all for your replies, I read them over the weekend and my worry has gradually ceased. The reason I posted here is I'm loathe to drag any other friends into the whole thing. I delayed doing anything about it before now because I was leaning towards what everyone was saying here - Don't do anything - there was a small doubt in my mind all the same. I've found the easiest way to deal with her is always to pre-empt her actions. I can't distance her entirely, I wish I could but forewarned is always fore armed.

Katgurl, I related to your post so much! That is something I would do!

Ursus - from counselling, the response had been that I can't change her, I can only change my response to her. Self esteem has been building slowly over the last few years which has made her easier to deal with, along with distance too. Unfortunately, she knows what buttons to press with me and on occasion, as shows here, it will set me back. She doesn't know that though as I've never let her see it. I'll post here or talk to someone she doesn't know about it.

I won't be doing anything. Thanks for all your help. She has more to be worrying about now than whether or not I recognised her boyfriend. I very definitely came across him on Tinder this morning.

skallywag · 16-12-2018 3:27pm

Yes, you are definitely over-thinking it OP.

That said, I'm not really seeing why you say you may have frowned at someone on seeing that they seem to recognize you, I think I would be quite taken back by that if I was this guy in question.

It would just leave me feeling that there is more to this than this girl I loosely know simply not recognizing me. Though I guess that perhaps you mean that you just happened to have such a look on your face at the time, and that it could just be interpreted as a frown.

Either way, just put it behind you, and don't let this 'friend' get you down.

thepeachyone · 19-12-2018 7:55pm

skallywag wrote: »

Yes, you are definitely over-thinking it OP.

That said, I'm not really seeing why you say you may have frowned at someone on seeing that they seem to recognize you, I think I would be quite taken back by that if I was this guy in question.

It would just leave me feeling that there is more to this than this girl I loosely know simply not recognizing me. Though I guess that perhaps you mean that you just happened to have such a look on your face at the time, and that it could just be interpreted as a frown.

Either way, just put it behind you, and don't let this 'friend' get you down.

That's what I was worried about Skallywag, is that it could be perceived as being rude to him when there was nothing personal at all, it was unintentionally rude more so! In which case I wouldn't blame anyone for bringing it up. And I feel bad but can't explain it away other than distracted. I'm meeting up with that group tonight, I hope there's nothing about it.

Ursus Horribilis · 19-12-2018 8:00pm

This is supposed to be a social group meeting up, right? Not a bunch of primary school kids who've been naughty. In the unlikely event that it gets mentioned, just shrug your shoulders and say you were miles away and didn't see him. To say you're making a mountain out of this molehill is like saying the Pope is a Catholic. It really is a case of move along, nothing to see here, nothing to apologise for. Next.

Hopefully overthinking only.

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