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Feeling excluded from friend group

  • 10-12-2018 10:52am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, I suppose I'm looking for some advice or reassurance about something that has been troubling me for the past 6 months or so but particularly in the past week. Apologies if this is long-winded and hard to follow, I just feel desperate to get this out and tell someone.

    A bit of background, I have been friends with 5 girls since the beginning of secondary school, we had our ups and downs and some arguments along the way but we've stayed very good friends. We're now 24-25 year old. For a couple of reasons 2 friends have kind of drifted out of the group due to moving countries and just growing up I suppose and finding different interests, we still see them a few times a year. The other 4 of us I thought were very close friends until last May when I hadn't seen them in a about a month (I was finishing college, had exams and my thesis to hand in) when we met up I felt like I had missed so much, they were talking about several things I wasn't aware of, nothing massive, but one girl was talking about a one night stand she had, another was talking about something that had happened to her boyfriend which it was clear to me that they had all discussed but this was the first I was hearing about this. As far as I know they had not met up in person in the past month either. Then I saw, just by chance on my friend that I was sitting next to's phone that they had created a facebook message group with just the 3 of them, I'd say that group was created the summer before last when I went away for the summer which I totally understand, the fact that they were still using it really threw me.

    Fast forward to last week, we met up for the first time in about 3 weeks and a couple of things came up again that I hadn't heard, one friend had got a tattoo and another (who I thought was the friend I was closest to) had slept with her new boyfriend for the first time. And I could tell that this wasn't the first time my other 2 friends were hearing about each of these things.

    We then went out on Saturday night (3 out of the 4 of us as one friend was sick) and as we were standing at a busy bar trying to get drinks I just happened to glance over at one of my friends and noticed that she was texting our friend who was home sick. I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it, but I saw my name in the text and then saw that the friend who was home sick was asking if I was drinking much (I'm not a huge drinker, I tend not to stay out super late, the other 3 would stay out to 4am on most nights out, I'd go home at 1-2am). We got our drinks and sat down then after a while I went to the bathroom and when I came back I could see as I was walking towards the table the friend who had been on her phone was showing my other friend a text message and immediately put it away as I approached.

    Basically I have been worrying non stop about this since the weekend, I feel like I'm being excluded from the group and the 3 girls who I thought were my closest friends are talking about me behind my back. I now feel like I'm being even more paranoid and panicking that things are worse than they are.

    I've been struggling with depression for the past 2-3 years on and off, only went to my GP a year ago and was diagnosed. I've been feeling quite low in the past 5-6 weeks. I was going to tell my friends next time I saw them (I've tried numerous times but never been able to get the words out, I find it difficult to open up to people). Now I'm thinking will I tell them, I don't know if I trust them enough anymore.

    I'm sorry if this is totally all over the place but I felt like I just needed to get it all out. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this? Should I be as hurt as I am or does this happen regularly in friend groups? I don't have that many friends, just them and a group from college who I love but are scattered across the country and we don't see each other that often. I'm just scared that if I lose these friends I'll feel even more alone than I already do.


Comments

  • #2
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    It'll be scant consolation to you, but this kinda stuff is normal within a group of friends. It really is a marathon, not a sprint, people will come and go, parts of the group will be closer at times, people may feel left out because of circumstances etc. I don't hang out with my school 'group' anymore at all, and if I could tell you the different evolutions of the group I ended up in after them you'd say it was like something out of Game of Thrones!

    The reality is that groups become less important as you're older: grand while the going is good, but unessential. It's worth always looking after yourself on this score and not placing too much stock or importance in one particular group, because they're by no means guaranteed to last (even if they have done for years) and the situation can change for reasons entirely out of your control.

    What I do now is keep multiple groups but also keep them at a certain distance (that varies wildly and constantly by group/person based simply on what works and what doesn't): I don't necessarily want to be involved in the day-to-day drama of it all, but I want to be friendly and on good enough terms that we can just pick up wherever we left last time when we do see each other. If that means I see each group only once every few weeks/months, grand, my mental health will be better for it. I've got my close friends who I can text or chat to about anything and will be there for me at the drop of a hat if needed (and vice versa), I've got a few different groups/people I'd do certain things with, I've got my girlfriend who'll generally get first dibs on my free time for socialising, I've got my family, and by now all of them are used to this so I also don't have massive pressure to make EVERY night out if it doesn't suit, but we're on good enough terms that I'll still get invites and so on. It's all a balancing act and having multiple options means that, if someone is starting to be a negative affect on your life, you can just minimise them or get rid as necessary (because why would we choose to put time into people who affect us negatively?)

    What sucks for you now is that you're only at the start of learning this lesson and a bit of a re-evaluation may be on the cards. But trust the process and try not to take this too personally: just take it as a sharp lesson learned and maybe lower your dependence on these girls to match how it seems they perceive you (I wouldn't say ditch them because you could be misreading the situation). Spread your time more evenly out among other friends or family and don't feel like you 'owe' these guys too much. You may have lonely times, and that's normal and happens to everyone at some stage too, but at the end of it you'll be in a better place for having done so.


  • #3
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I'm sorry OP, but none of these things are major life events that you should be hearing about as soon as they happen, to be fair. Sleeping with a boyfriend for the first time? A one night stand? A tattoo?? If you weren't told about an engagement or pregnancy you might have a leg to stand on.

    The phone could have been put away for any reason, doesn't mean it was about you.

    It sounds more like you are out of the loop than being actively excluded, and you are simply not as close to any of these girls as they are to each other. You don't see them very often. Friends can grow apart but it doesn't sound like you are deliberately being excluded. They invited you on the night out.

    You could try organising to meet up with them more often, maybe set up a new group for the four of yous.


  • #4
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,069 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    One girl was texting another and the girl asked if you were drinking much ? Now just maybe that was out of concern ? Maybe they have been worried about you and possibly guessed you were not well ? Open up to your friends , explain how you were not feeling good and you hope now that you can be more active and free to meet .


  • #5
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP I think you're probably reading too much into the text situation. These things can easily be taken out of context.

    The next time you're together, why don't you suggest setting up a WhatsApp or Facebook group so that you can all keep in touch more easily. That would give them an opportunity to invite you to the one already set. Or if they don't mention it, can create a whole new one.


  • #6
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,370 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    OP I know someone who the above could be a mirror of, when she wouldn't get invited on nights out with people she'd freak out because 'normally she'd be included in nights out with X group'.

    Couldn't seem to understand why it kept happening and continually saw it as the other people purposefully excluding her.

    There's a harsh reality she just couldn't understand and it's not personal, it's just reality - sometimes people will want to hang out without you there. People in a group will have connections with each other specifically to the natural exclusion of other people. It's just how social interactions work.

    On a few occasions she actually confronted people about this, making accusations of exclusion and it just came across as extremely controlling - it basically boiled down to 'you can't socialise with X person unless I'm there', which when you think about it rationally, is a bit much, isn't it?

    Rather ironically, having that kind of attitude was a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy and the above people are in far less contact with her now.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry, I should have been clearer in my post, we have a group for the 4 of us which we do use. It's just that there seem to be some things that they are choosing not to share with me and talk about amongst themselves in a separate group.

    And I know that they aren't big life events, and I don't necessarily want to hear about them the second they've happened its just more the fact that I'm being kept out of the loop. I actually do see them relatively often maybe 2-3 times a month it just becomes more noticeable when we are busy and don't get the chance to meet up they tend to talk between the 3 of them over text. And when we meet up I feel like there is a lot that I've missed.

    By the tone of some of your replies maybe I am overreacting and I suppose that is reassuring in itself.


  • #8
    StinkyMunkey
    Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    Op, I've learned over the years that certain people will always gravitate towards others in friend groups. When younger I would be conscious of it and it stung a little but I just accepted it and cultivated other friendships.

    People commonly buy into the misconception that somehow friendships are eternal. Life gets in the way and the dynamics of friendships constantly evolve.

    Depression can exasterbate the feelings of exclusion. Once you pick up on it, you become hyper sensitive to it unfortunately.

    This doesn't make the bad people or friends, it just means that maybe they take you a little for granted.

    Don't put all your eggs in one basket, cultivate new and current friendships. No need to focus all your time and energy into this one group


  • #9
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    I think they have more in common than you do.
    Don't take it personal. Just ask what they are talking about and have a good laugh.
    Find other friends that have something in common with you and juggle back and forth with them when it suits.
    When you are 35 your will look back at these years and roll your eyes.


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