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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
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Broody

2

Comments

  • #32
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    However, what you can provide for the best outcome for kids trumps what you may want re whether / what you are thinking re having kids. Honestly, I think it would be very selfish to have kids now mainly ‘because I want them now’.

    So weigh up all the circumstances: financial, support network etc. What can you provide a kid now. What could you provide a kid in 1/5/10 years. And then decide on the basis of the likely outcome for the kids.

    I don’t think listening to her body is being selfish at all, and is quite a cruel thing to write here. She is being realistic. She finds herself in a stable relationship, and is at the peak of her fertility. Assuming the potential father is of a similar age, they are statistically more likely to have a baby who does not suffer from genetic problems if they do this in their 20’s. In terms of a healthy outcome for baby and mother, this IS the best possible time.

    Your point about outcome is well made, it’s just missing health, energy, looking after teenagers in your 40’s vs your 50’s etc.


  • #33
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Tbh i think it would be madness to consider a baby in mid twenties while at college. Most poeple who have babies at that age have them by accident, it wasn't planned.

    Also you need to consider that the partner is a 26 year old guy. I literally know NO guys in their twenties who want to have kids in a "right now" sort of way. For those that want kids, it's an abstract idea that they see far off in their future. perhaps a decade or more away.
    The ops whole notions of having a baby are neither here nor there of the partner doesn't want to have one right now which he is likely 95% not want wanting. No point in her agonising because he has the decision made for her. Unless she is planning on a "whoopsies surprise".


  • #34
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭skallywag


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Tbh i think it would be madness to consider a baby in mid twenties while at college.

    A big +1 to that.

    I would strongly advise to finish college first!


  • #35
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    skallywag wrote: »
    A big +1 to that.

    I would strongly advise to finish college first!

    Really depends what 'college' is? No point whatsoever in completing a degree in childcare studies, when all you get in a minimum wage job at the end, working beside someone with no degree.


  • #36
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,061 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Tbh i think it would be madness to consider a baby in mid twenties while at college. Most poeple who have babies at that age have them by accident, it wasn't planned.

    I do agree that finishing college is important - especially when you've put so much into it so far.
    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Also you need to consider that the partner is a 26 year old guy. I literally know NO guys in their twenties who want to have kids in a "right now" sort of way. For those that want kids, it's an abstract idea that they see far off in their future. perhaps a decade or more away.
    The ops whole notions of having a baby are neither here nor there of the partner doesn't want to have one right now which he is likely 95% not want wanting. No point in her agonising because he has the decision made for her. Unless she is planning on a "whoopsies surprise".

    That may be your experience but my brother got married at 26 and him and his wife wanted kids straight away (which they had). A lot of his friends were the same.

    If the OP and her partner have been in relationship for a number of years, we have to assume that she knows him better than we do and knows whether he means it when he says he also wants kids now.


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  • #37
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,061 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    pwurple wrote: »
    Really depends what 'college' is? No point whatsoever in completing a degree in childcare studies, when all you get in a minimum wage job at the end, working beside someone with no degree.

    Anyone working in childcare does need to have a qualification and the more you have (fetac level) the more opportunities you have. My friend is a Montessori teacher and would earn more than a creche worker because there is more skill and training needed.


  • #38
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    witchgirl, I would imagine your brother is very much an outlier in being married and wanting kids at 26. The overwhelming majority of guys would differ. Having said that, my brother got married at 26 and baby at 27 and I thought he was quite mad until it transpired that the marriage was brought about, at least in part, by a degree of cajoling by the wife and the baby was a whoopsies.

    And the point about the type and worth of the college degree in question - the same could be said of a law, engineering or medicine degree. I mean if you've put the effort in to get said qualification and then not pursue the experience and professional qualifications that follow on and give weight to your education then your degree is going to go stale and after 5 years raising small babies it'll be very difficult to have a degree so old and with no follow up experience or professional qualification taken seriously or even considered to be equal to the same qualification from a new graduate.

    My point is, get the career and personal situation in order. You've 14 years left for having babies.
    Your twenties should be about getting a good career and enjoying yourself with friends and travelling, not getting manacled into big serious relationships and up to your waist in vomit and piss soaked nappies.

    The other thing about serious relationships in the 20s is that they often break up at around the 30 mark. This is because people often get together in the late teens or early 20s sink some of their best years into locked into a relationship and not enjoying the independence and freedom that one should in their twenties. The frequent result is that frustration boils over in the late twenties or early thirties and they break up and spend a significant amount of time enjoying being single before getting into anything serious.


  • #39
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭skallywag


    If the college course in question requires any real amount of intense study to pass exams etc. then doing so with a new born is going to be extremely demanding. There is no way I would even consider it.


  • #40
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    And if it doesn't require intense study and effort, then it is probably not a particularly valuable degree anyway.


  • #41
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    TheBoyConor wrote: »

    My point is, get the career and personal situation in order. You've 14 years left for having babies.
    Your twenties should be about getting a good career and enjoying yourself with friends and travelling, not getting manacled into big serious relationships and up to your waist in vomit and piss soaked nappies..

    She's 26. 35 is a geriatric pregnancy. I know, because I was one. 40, you are setting yourself up for genetic difficulties.

    Listen, I know it's all the fashion to push them off later, but as a person in my 40's with kids... 100% do it when you are ready. My youngest daughter is in school, she is the ONLY child in her class that doesn't have one of a range of difficulties, from autism, to cleft palate, epilepsy, allergies etc.

    There were people in my class in college who had kids, and with support from family, they finished the course and did well. In hindsight, they were able to skip the bullsh't student bolloxolgy that goes on in the evenings, and get their work done.


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  • #42
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,061 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    witchgirl, I would imagine your brother is very much an outlier in being married and wanting kids at 26. The overwhelming majority of guys would differ. Having said that, my brother got married at 26 and baby at 27 and I thought he was quite mad until it transpired that the marriage was brought about, at least in part, by a degree of cajoling by the wife and the baby was a whoopsies.

    Not really - I do know quite a few people who had kids earlier. Honestly it mostly depended on when they met their partner rather than anything. So if they'd been together for 4-5 years by that age, a number were having kids.

    If you don't want kids though and you are that age, course you're more likely to gravitate towards people who don't have kids as you have more in common.


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    My point is, get the career and personal situation in order. You've 14 years left for having babies.
    Your twenties should be about getting a good career and enjoying yourself with friends and travelling, not getting manacled into big serious relationships and up to your waist in vomit and piss soaked nappies.

    Actually she doesn't necessarily have 14 years left for having babies. And if there are problems (which hopefully there wouldn't be) you have a much better chance of being able to do something about them when younger. I know people who thought the same but were told in their late 30's that they couldn't have kids anymore due to medical complications.

    That may be what you want your 20's to be and fair enough. Mine was similar enough but it's not the right way for everyone. I know people who just wanted to settle down and have a family. There's no one right way for everyone.
    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    The other thing about serious relationships in the 20s is that they often break up at around the 30 mark. This is because people often get together in the late teens or early 20s sink some of their best years into locked into a relationship and not enjoying the independence and freedom that one should in their twenties. The frequent result is that frustration boils over in the late twenties or early thirties and they break up and spend a significant amount of time enjoying being single before getting into anything serious.

    Ah not sure about that. Most people I know who got together with somone in their 20's are still together in their mid-30's.
    pwurple wrote: »
    She's 26. 35 is a geriatric pregnancy. I know, because I was one. 40, you are setting yourself up for genetic difficulties.

    Yep - I was told the same. They're considering pushing the age you become a geriatric mother to 36 but that's it. Not any higher.


  • #43
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,986 ✭✭✭skallywag


    If you ***really*** want to have kids then you need to do so latest in your early to mid 30s.

    The possibility of getting pregnant after then decrease rapidly. Many (healthy) women really struggle to get pregnant from 35 onwards. When you reach 40 the odds are stacked way against you.


  • #44
    Pretzeluck
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 325 ✭✭Pretzeluck


    ShaShaBear wrote: »
    The first step is to talk to your partner and make sure that having children is on their agenda - and more importantly, having children with you. I was 26 and in my final year of college and had been experiencing the same as you for years already, before I had even met my partner. I discussed it with him and he agreed he wanted kids and we went for it. We were not married at the time, but we are now, and have had another kid since. I do not regret my decision, I finished my degree and had my baby and then another. And I am broody for more :P

    But all of this means nothing if your partner doesn't want kids or isn't ready!

    Of course you are, have 10 so you can be a real broodmother


  • #45
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    Pretzeluck wrote: »
    Of course you are, have 10 so you can be a real broodmother

    I could not house nor feed 8 more children, plus I would be at LEAST 40 having my last - no thanks.


  • #46
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    @Pretzeluck. Welcome to PI. However please note that off topic posting is against the forum charter. Please only post if you have advice for the OP.

    Edit: ShaShaBear, same to you please and a general reminder to all posters to keep things on topic.


  • #47
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    That may be what you want your 20's to be and fair enough. Mine was similar enough but it's not the right way for everyone. I know people who just wanted to settle down and have a family. There's no one right way for everyone.

    I would disagree to some extent. I'd be very wary of a person who was so adamant of wanting to settle down and have a family at such a young age, well below the average age for first time birth. I'd be wondering is there some reason that is prompting such as strong desire and wondering if there is some hole or void in their life that they think can be filled by having a spouse and children for example, a subtle yet undiagnosed mental health issue such as social anxiety or social isolation that is leaving them feeling that this is their only option.


  • #48
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I would disagree to some extent. I'd be very wary of a person who was so adamant of wanting to settle down and have a family at such a young age, well below the average age for first time birth. I'd be wondering is there some reason that is prompting such as strong desire and wondering if there is some hole or void in their life that they think can be filled by having a spouse and children for example, a subtle yet undiagnosed mental health issue such as social anxiety or social isolation that is leaving them feeling that this is their only option.

    FFS Conor having a child at a young age isn't a sign of a mental health issue. We were 19 and 21 and we both subconsciously wanted kids young because our parents were late 40's and beyond when they had us. We hated it. I also saw the physical limitations of having an elderly parent who couldn't engage with us. We also both lost our dads at a young age.

    We're both quite normal people and relatively sane. Everyone is different. My best friends are my age, 41. One is expecting his first, one is child free by choice, I've a 22 yr old....we all did it the way we wanted and wouldn't live each others lives and that's fine cause it's not a competition.

    The OP and her partner only have to please themselves


  • #49
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I would disagree to some extent. I'd be very wary of a person who was so adamant of wanting to settle down and have a family at such a young age, well below the average age for first time birth. I'd be wondering is there some reason that is prompting such as strong desire and wondering if there is some hole or void in their life that they think can be filled by having a spouse and children for example, a subtle yet undiagnosed mental health issue such as social anxiety or social isolation that is leaving them feeling that this is their only option.

    My goodness. Such a young age? Accusing her of having diagnosed mental health issues?

    15/16 would be young. She's a grown woman in her late twenties!

    Really goes to show how ingrained this late pregnancy thing is now. It is plainly biologically irrational to think that having children in your late 20's is too young. Ask any doctor, any midwife. Take a look at the infertility clinics springing up all over the place. What suits this OP may not suit others, but what happened to the "Choice" we were all banging on about this year.


  • #50
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    She's 26. I would call that mid 20s and it's still very much a person's formative young adult years and throwing a baby into the mix would torpedo most 26 year olds active lives.


  • #51
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    She's 26. I would call that mid 20s and it's still very much a person's formative young adult years and throwing a baby into the mix would torpedo most 26 year olds active lives.

    But you are making the assumption that all 26-year olds have these active lives. When I was in giving birth to my eldest 4.5 years ago, there were 5 other women on the ward - all under 30 bar one who just had her fourth and final baby at 33.

    The OP clearly wants children as does her partner. The decision not to wait and have her first baby now does not mean she has a mental illness, it means she's ready and knows what she wants.


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  • #52
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    She's 26. I would call that mid 20s and it's still very much a person's formative young adult years and throwing a baby into the mix would torpedo most 26 year olds active lives.

    I think you're making this very personal when it doesn't have to be. You think 26 is too young, you think it's a mental health issue to want kids young, you don't want kids. That's grand for you but not everyone is going to think or feel like you.


  • #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here, didn't expect this post to take off!

    Just to clear a few things up, my partner is not 26, he's 31. The study that I'm doing is in healthcare sector.

    I really would not have thought that wanting a baby at this age would suggest mental illness?

    I know that not all women are as conscious of their bioloigcal clock and would have such a strong desire at this age to start a family at this stage, but that's how I feel.

    Skipping my education would never be an option. Ideally I would finish first (2 years left), and then go ahead, but as I stated in my original post, that is proving quite difficult to accept :)


  • #54
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    missunshnie wrote: »
    OP here, didn't expect this post to take off!

    Just to clear a few things up, my partner is not 26, he's 31. The study that I'm doing is in healthcare sector.

    I really would not have thought that wanting a baby at this age would suggest mental illness?

    I know that not all women are as conscious of their bioloigcal clock and would have such a strong desire at this age to start a family at this stage, but that's how I feel.

    Skipping my education would never be an option. Ideally I would finish first (2 years left), and then go ahead, but as I stated in my original post, that is proving quite difficult to accept :)

    It's absolutely not indicative of any mental health issues. Some people want to be doctors when they grow up, some want to be pilots. Others want to be mothers. I knew from I was very young I wanted to be a mother.
    However, now that you've mentioned what your studies are in, I would definitely recommend waiting until you've finished them. My sister was in a similiar position to you while studying to be a midwife (the irony :rolleyes: ) and 6 months into her new position and she's very glad she waited. Most healthcare degrees require a very high level of attendance for a pass and consist of several "work experience" type modules, which are really just as intensive and demanding as the paid employment you would get once qualified. Definitely not a situation you would want while pregnant, as obviously no matter how smoothly it goes, there will come a point where things get difficult.
    I would definitely recommend you wait at least until you finish your education in this case, and then decide if you want to work a bit first, or have your baby first :o


  • #55
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,061 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I would disagree to some extent. I'd be very wary of a person who was so adamant of wanting to settle down and have a family at such a young age, well below the average age for first time birth. I'd be wondering is there some reason that is prompting such as strong desire and wondering if there is some hole or void in their life that they think can be filled by having a spouse and children for example, a subtle yet undiagnosed mental health issue such as social anxiety or social isolation that is leaving them feeling that this is their only option.

    Woah that's going a bit far there! 26 is not that young to want to settle down at all. Now if they were teenagers then that would be one thing but flippin hell they're adults who have a fair bit of life experience! Some people just want to be parents earlier in their life. I know it's a slight regret my dad had was that he was 40 when his first child was born and it meant he couldn't do as much as other parents.
    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    She's 26. I would call that mid 20s and it's still very much a person's formative young adult years and throwing a baby into the mix would torpedo most 26 year olds active lives.

    But what if it was planned and wanted? Then it wouldn't torpedo them at all. Plus I know quite a few people who keep up active lives after kids - you do know it doesn't just all fall off a cliff? Friends of mine who have kids have climbed mountains, travelled the world (with the kids) and are probably more active of a weekend than a lot of other people.

    missunshnie wrote: »
    OP here, didn't expect this post to take off!

    Just to clear a few things up, my partner is not 26, he's 31. The study that I'm doing is in healthcare sector.

    I really would not have thought that wanting a baby at this age would suggest mental illness?

    I know that not all women are as conscious of their bioloigcal clock and would have such a strong desire at this age to start a family at this stage, but that's how I feel.

    Skipping my education would never be an option. Ideally I would finish first (2 years left), and then go ahead, but as I stated in my original post, that is proving quite difficult to accept :)

    It doesn't suggest a mental illness - that's crazy talk so ignore it!

    If it's how you feel, then it's how you feel. I wasn't the same as I was never fully sure I wanted kids until a couple of years ago. My sister however wanted babies at 16 (she waited until she was 31)!

    Course it can be difficult to accept - you have two slightly conflicting things that you want to do. It's not easy.


  • #56
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    I would disagree to some extent. I'd be very wary of a person who was so adamant of wanting to settle down and have a family at such a young age, well below the average age for first time birth. I'd be wondering is there some reason that is prompting such as strong desire and wondering if there is some hole or void in their life that they think can be filled by having a spouse and children for example, a subtle yet undiagnosed mental health issue such as social anxiety or social isolation that is leaving them feeling that this is their only option.

    @TheBoyConor - please do not presume to offer medical advice or diagnoses on this forum. In future, I suggest you refrain from offering relationship advice.


  • #57
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    @Pretzeluck - I have deleted your post as it was off-topic and not offering any advice to the OP. You were already referred to the forum charter. This is a final warning.

    dudara


  • #58
    ElizaBennett
    Registered Users Posts: 239 ✭✭ElizaBennett


    OP you're definitely not too young and you woukd of course manage if you did have a baby but it would bring challenges with college and then jobseeking. But maybe you could totally handle that. I got married at 23. No one else was doing it. I was on a post grad course at the time and was in love. Got pregnant deliberately at 24 while at an entry level position in my profession. And you know what? Everything worked out. Granted my husband had a good steady job and owned his home when we met so we didn't have those pressures. I'm now 46, in a grest place in my career and my eldest is 21 and doing really well in college. This was the right thing for us. My mum was young having kids and we've always had a lovely relationship which made me want to be a young mum too.
    No right or wrong, don't let others judge you. If you're strong you'll manage..esp if you have a good man too


  • #59
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    sorry if it has been mentioned before, didn't read all the answers in detail this time.

    did you ever talk to a gynecologist about it? I really don't know if this is possible, but maybe you can get your hormone levels checked and maybe there's some inbalance in place.

    it's really effecting you so I would say it's worth talking to a doctor about it.


  • #60
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    ^^^

    ?? Hormone Imbalance.
    GP?

    For being in control of your own procreation.


    Unreal.


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  • #61
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Unreal is it? Why though?

    I don't understand why people who are offering suggestions are getting such a lashing. It could potentially be any of the issues that have previously been suggested.

    It's normal to want kids but it's not normal, in my opinion, to be so absolutely consumed by the desire to have a baby at a relatively young age to the point that it is on your mind every waking hour and interfering with your normal daily thoughts and activities. Especially at the age of 26 which, whether people here like it or not, is nowadays a fairly young age to be seriously considering starting a family. I know no-one amongst my friends who have settled down with a family and we are all a few years older.

    I'd understand a woman having these feelings if she was 36 or more was getting this way but at 26 I really don't think it's the norm to feel this way. In any instance, I think a conversation with a gp or gynecologist would certainly be doing no harm anyway.


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