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All going wrong

  • 11-06-2019 5:57pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    We saved for 5 years to get our dream home and to have a lowish mortgage we managed this in April and were over the moon but on the day we got the keys my husband was told he was been let go of his job after 15 years.
    he get a lump sum which we could live on for two years but he is looking for new job. He is delighted as he wanted out for a couple of years and only stayed because we were saving for a mortgage. I work but my earning not near what he can get. I just worried about the financials.
    He not worried as loads of jobs in his area bit he only applying now as stuck with company until end of next month.
    In mean time we decided not to tell anyone as everyone be in with their five cent and would wreak our heads.
    Now my dad had a blood test and a part of it came back abnormal which means a retest in six weeks but my mother is convinced its cancer there an one in four chance of it been cancer.
    She ringing me telling my life perfect and that i dont know what worry is i feel like screaming at the world.....


Comments

  • #2
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP you seem to have a few issues:

    - Your husband being let go: As you said yourself, there are loads of jobs in his area. He's only just starting to look around, so there is no reason to think he won't find something easily enough. Realistically it sounds like he'll be back in full employment in a matter of months and you'll still have plenty of that lump sum left over! So no need to worry about the finances yet.

    - Your father: I'm sorry that he's not in good health. However, he's still undergoing tests, so there is no reason to catastrophize. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry until there is actually something to worry about.

    - Your mother: It's really unfair of her to make comments like that to you. Is she always like that? Is she the reason you decided not to tell anyone about your husband being let go? I know it's not the main focus of your post, but I reckon this could be where the real issues are...

    Do you have anyone to talk to about all this in real life? Your husband? I think it's one of those situations where it would help to just talk things out and vent a bit.


  • #3
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,237 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    There’s a 3 in 4 chance it’s not cancer ;)

    A lump sum that you can live on for 2 years!!! We are at a very low unemployment rate. He should find a job within a few months.
    You can use his tax credits and pay less tax.
    You are doing well.


  • #4
    Saysay19
    Closed Accounts Posts: 137 ✭✭Saysay19


    When we got our mortgage 10 years ago, I was made redundant after 3 months. It was awful, but as my husband kept saying if we waited 6 months to apply for a mortgage we would not have getting it.
    I have had a few jobs after, but I’m in a job 5 years now and I love it.
    Things look like crap now but believe me when I say everything happens for a reason.


    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, but just wait until the results are given.
    And your mam shouldn’t be making remarks like that. As a poster above has asked already have you anyone else talk about this with. It’s a lot going on altogether at once.

    Take care x


  • #5
    PHG
    Registered Users Posts: 475 ✭✭PHG


    Hi OP,

    You may not realise this but you are in great shape. How many people have enough money in the bank to live off for 2 years??? That puts you well into the top 1% of savings rates. Maybe your husband needs to chill after wanting out for a while and why not with that cash in the bank? To be fair he is being proactive also in looking for a job.

    When he is back in employment and settled, maybe use some of that cash to put towards the principal of the mortgage, which could take years off your mortgage too, which is an added bonus. Seems like a blessing in disguise to be honest.

    1 in 4 chance with cancer, those are amazing odds so there is no need to worry. Abnormal does not mean cancer also, it could be anything minor. If you can, tell your Mam she is not a doctor so how can she know. Nobody can predict the future and people telling your Dad and worrying him that he might have cancer is of no use to him. Positivity is a key thing here with illness (been through 6 cancers with Aunties and uncles and currently going through a stage 4 with my mam who is a legend. She is so poaitive and you would not have a clue to look at her that anything is wrong. They all said positivity was the main thing to drive on. You a catastrophising all this will do you no good. List out the positives and you will see there are many more positives than negatives.

    I know stuff is relative to the person, but in the grand scheme it is all small fish and hearsay currently. Woodchuck gave some great advice, maybe talk to a close friend, relative or even a few sessions with a counsellor just to get this all off you chest with an independent person would help.


    Why don't you and your husband take a long weekend off somewhere and go have fun, sounds like it will do you the world of good :D

    PHG


  • #6
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,326 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    Getting a big redundancy is one of the great joys in life. I can't understand why people panic over this

    It's not like you only get one job in life.


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  • #7
    knucklehead6
    Registered Users Posts: 6,734 ✭✭✭knucklehead6


    jimmycrackcorm wrote: »
    Getting a big redundancy is one of the great joys in life. I can't understand why people panic over this

    It's not like you only get one job in life.

    Maybe the OP just needs to vent? Right now all she can see is issues and problems and maybe, just maybe she needs to let off a bit of steam.

    Right now, from her point of view everything is awful, and she sees her husband as being unemployeed, rather then being in a position where he can wait, and make sure he takes the right job for him.

    She doesn't see the redundancy package as a benefit, but as a dwindling resource, with no sign of being resupplied.


  • #8
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    OP right now you need to focus on the positives because you can't control the variables.

    Your husband has an opportunity to find a job he loves. There are loads of opportunities in the field he works in, you said yourself, and he's two years to do so which is loads of time. There's every reason to think that situation will work out better than the one you were in. On that front, it's not even nearly time to panic.

    You said there is a one in four chance your Dad's blood test could come back as cancer. That sounds daunting when you put it that way. But put it another way: there's a 75% chance it's not cancer, i.e. the significantly more likely outcome. It's not time to worry about that yet either and worrying won't help the situation.

    Give your head some peace. I'm sure with a new mortgage approved you've more than enough to be coping with as is. You can't change your Dad's medical situation and you can't get a new job for your husband, so focus on things you can control for now and hope that the rest works itself out. Life will happen, there will be good and bad, we can't stop that. Trying to get out ahead of it by worrying feels like we're protecting ourselves, but when we start catastrophising and letting it consume us, we're not helping. You said things are "All going wrong", things haven't gone wrong yet. So take a minute to breathe and realise that. Things will be fine, you'll be fine, and even if some stuff doesn't go your way then you'll manage because you have to. Worrying won't help you right now.


  • #9
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    I can see your mother's point. I hope your Dad is ok and it doesn't turn out to be cancer.


  • #10
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Emme wrote: »
    I can see your mother's point.

    It's a nasty thing to say though. Somebody will always have it worse off than you, but it doesn't mean that your worries aren't also valid. And evidently, the mother doesn't know the full story about what is going on in the OPs life atm anyway.

    OP I think you need to try and look on the bright side of your situation:
    - You have your dream home after working hard for years to get it.
    - Your husband has been given the opportunity to find a new job. As you said, he's actually delighted about this and the timing is actually quite good as you now have the mortgage.
    - You've just been given a lovely big lump sum. If your husband was unhappy in his job, he likely would've changed soon anyway. Now he gets to change AND receive a lump sum!! In all likelihood you'll have a lot of this left over once he gets a new job and can use it to your hearts content (e.g. make improvements to your new house).

    I understand it can be worrying during that period of unemployment. But there is absolutely no reason to think he won't get another job that he's happier in soon enough.

    And waiting for results of medical tests is always very difficult. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it but wait atm though. And maybe try talking to your father instead of your mother... she sounds the type that would have him worried he's on his deathbed already!


  • #11
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Your mum is panicking a little- and it's kind of understandable, if your dad is getting tests then it's a worry to her. It's her life partner after all and any potential care he might need falls to her. We kind of expect that our parents will get older and develop health issues but it's a different feeling entirely when it's your spouse.

    What's bugging you is that you have your own issues that would be maybe equal in terms of stressing - it's a concerning situation but not bad news yet for both of you. Difference is that she's getting support and to talk about it to you whereas you've decided to keep your current stressor to yourselves. I've been there myself where I chose not to tell all but one close person about something stressful we were going through as a couple together and my mother made some comments that unknowingly hit a sore spot. I had to remind myself that she didn't know and that she wouldn't have said those things had she known and let it slide. The alternative was to tell her what was going on and tbh, I couldn't be dealing with her fretting over it and supporting her on my issue when I could just about focus on us.



    I hope your dad's test results are all good and that your husband lands a terrific job.


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  • #12
    Daisy78
    Registered Users Posts: 1,028 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Tbh you have a lot of positives in your life right now, a house that many people would love to have the opportunity of owning, a husband and even friends as annoying as they are. To be fair a lot of people would give their right arm to be where you are. Two years redundancy is a great sum to have in the bank and there is nothing to suggest your husband won’t get another job soon, unless he works in a niche area? The economy is far more buoyant now than 7 or 8 years ago so perhaps not the catastrophe you think it is.

    With your Dad, well I understand that it’s a worry but there is no bad diagnosis yet only an abnormal blood test. I know it’s hard waiting on a result but there is nothing to suggest yet that it’s something serious.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all the replies I needed to vent as i don’t want to dump all my thoughts on my husband not very fair on him.
    We just in a state of shock over it all he always scored highly at work so last thing we expected yes money will be grand we have a couple of side gigs so we get over the summer then do a serious job search if he doesn’t hear from few he applied to already.
    My mam worries about everything she very religious she said to me this morning if you and rest of ye went to mass more this wouldn’t be happening.
    My real life friends all linked to my family so can’t really talk to them I have spoken to work friend and vented it felt good


  • #14
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I wouodn't be too worries but I would put aside £ for a nice holiday or trip away once your husband gets confurmation of a job -rather than the other way around. Holidays are expensive with all the add ons (spending money,meals out,drinks,taxis, summer clothes etc) and there would be little enjoyment in it if your husband didnt get a job within a few months - you would be a long time.regretting blowing a grand or so if things get tight and there will be no help as a homeowner from the state/social welfare.

    It could take 6 weeks to get signed on payments for.jobseekers so get your husband to register for this and ask for them to backdate it. You are allowed have a certain sum in your account - find out online what this is and make sure your bills and mortgage for the month are paid before you go to sign on (and so out of the account and registered as an outgoing cost). Assuming your husband was paying stamps and not self employed you will then have a safety net of e800 or e1000 a month to help with your mortgage and outgoings while he looks. That will take some pressure off. The betrayal of losing a job particularly when you have always done well in it is very hard. Try and make sure your husband bites the bullet and goes down asap to sign on - he has worked hard for those safety net payments and paid tax to be able to claim.them - don't start using up.your redundancy if.you don't have to - it will go quickly enough. Citizens advice will tell you how much you can have in the bank for the assistance payment if your husband does not have enough employment stamps . Don't let the lump.sum.prevent him for signing on or losing money that will be better off in your bank account or paying towards your mortgage rather than a politician spending it.

    Don't mind your.mother - she is under stress as are you buy probably has never had the kind of worries you have had about mortgages,downpayments and work. She just sees the glossy cover - don't hold it against her. Its hard to imagine when you have never experienced what kind of troubles and worries people can have underneath a smooth facade. She is probably just upset and poor-me'ing and wants a bit of sympathy. Bring her over some flowers and chocs for your dad and maybe giddy them up a bit - ge might need some brightness around if she is carrying on like that and gaving jim one foot in the grave already! Sure it might be just be piles!!!


  • #15
    SirChenjin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,111 ✭✭✭SirChenjin


    'My mam worries about everything she very religious she said to me this morning if you and rest of ye went to mass more this wouldn’t be happening.'

    Just let stuff like that go past your ears as noise. Your mother is a worrier and venting. It's a bit hard to take, I know.

    I would agree also with pp that she doesn't know what stuff you have going on and that in turn is making it harder to listen to her saying you have a perfect life and so on.

    On the plus side, you and your husband have a good cushion against financial worries. You also mentioned that he had wanted to get out of where he was, for a while so every cloud has a silver lining.

    And do as others have suggested, treat yourselves to something nice, it's good to have something to look forward to and redundancy can come as a bit of a shock no matter what.

    Fingers crossed that your dad gets good news and that your husband gets a new job.


  • #16
    LolaJJ
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭LolaJJ


    Hey OP,

    Sorry about the sudden turn in your luck!

    That said, as others pointed out, you have the lump sum and even though it's not the greatest situation, your husband couldn't have had this happen to him at a better time. Also, if the money he has gotten is enough to theoretically do for 2 years it means he can take his time in finding a job he will be happy in long-term.

    Lastly, and this is what I really wanted to say...both my parents have had cancer in the past ten years, and both of them are now completely free of it. Please remember that if he does get a diagnosis it's the beginning and not the end. You won't enjoy the journey, but don't assume the outcome. Also, as you said, it's a 1 in 3 chance

    best of luck x


  • #17
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    Is catastrophizing a family trait?

    While I agree your mother is out of order, she's probably not going to change at this stage in life so you just need to learn to tune her out. You could try telling her to step back and try to get some perspective (nicely) because her worry/lashing out helps precisely no one and only increases stress/tensions which is the last thing your Dad needs. He's getting tests and care - even if he is the 1 in 4 who has cancer, isnt he lucky that its been identified and he can get treatment? There is no need to always view things from the worst possible angle.

    Regarding your husband, you are in such a good position so you really need to relax and see the positives.
    - you've secured your mortgage and are not renting
    - your mortgage is affordable
    - lumpsums are taxfree
    - if your OH doesnt work again this year he can claim back taxes paid to date at hte end of the year
    - looking forward, you're taxed as a married couple so his tax credits will transfer to you while hes not working
    - the economy is at full employment. why assume that your husband will have trouble finding work when thats not likely to be the case

    If i got a redundancy in the morning (well actually it would be bad for me because I'm in my job less than 2 years) but if I were ever to get a payout like that I'd look on it as a blessing. What a fantastic opportunity to take stock of your life and enjoy some time off. We'll be working long enough.


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