Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

theballz · 13-11-2019 5:36am

I have suffered from anxiety most of my life. 4 years ago I went on anti depressants, I had an abusive up bringing - my mother was a drinker and we didn’t get on. The last 4/5 years I myself developed addictions to over the counter subscriptions.

I struggle to hold down relationships with women and I am very lonely. A few months ago I met a girl
who I thought was the love of my life. I explained to her my problems, she supported me - I came off the over the counter drugs and decided to kick the anti depressants along with that (against doctors orders.)

Everything was going fine, about a week into going clean she ended it with me. Didn’t say why - it broke my heart. I stayed off the medication until about a month in when I fell into a dark hole. I nearly commit suicide, I met my GP and he immediately re-prescribed me. He never wanted me off them but I am week in and feeling a little better.

I am full of anger, hurt, pain, confusion, frustration and guilt. I don’t know why she left me, I treated her well.

Now, I am seeking help. I am seeing a therapist once a week but I don’t think it’s working. I understand my issues but I don’t know how to manage my emotions therefore I am starting CBT. I really hope this helps as I cannot control my thoughts at times. It’s 4am, I wake up the same time every night and don’t go back asleep.

All that helps now is the gym, I train a lot and have began to run again. I let myself go the last few years but in the last month I have focused on me and have lost 9kg.

I try to remain positive but it’s difficult when you are lonely. I have began speaking with my friends and explaining that I had a drug problem - they were not surprised. I believe when one relationship ends another one begins, this new relationship is with myself. Learning to love myself again and not being too hard on me.

Myself and my mother have began speaking again, for the first time in 10 years (properly.) instead of being upset about our past I am beginning to understand it. She has apologised and for what happened between us and is now clean herself. I feel like I have a new mother who I love dearly and is helping me through this.

Everyday I learn more and try to be positive. I keep telling myself to be strong but it’s difficult at times (more so then not.) I know things will get better, anyone reading this - things will get better for you too.

Thank you for reading

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 7:59am

theballz wrote: »

I have suffered from anxiety most of my life. 4 years ago I went on anti depressants, I had an abusive up bringing - my mother was a drinker and we didn’t get on. The last 4/5 years I myself developed addictions to over the counter subscriptions.

I struggle to hold down relationships with women and I am very lonely. A few months ago I met a girl
who I thought was the love of my life. I explained to her my problems, she supported me - I came off the over the counter drugs and decided to kick the anti depressants along with that (against doctors orders.)

Everything was going fine, about a week into going clean she ended it with me. Didn’t say why - it broke my heart. I stayed off the medication until about a month in when I fell into a dark hole. I nearly commit suicide, I met my GP and he immediately re-prescribed me. He never wanted me off them but I am week in and feeling a little better.

I am full of anger, hurt, pain, confusion, frustration and guilt. I don’t know why she left me, I treated her well.

Now, I am seeking help. I am seeing a therapist once a week but I don’t think it’s working. I understand my issues but I don’t know how to manage my emotions therefore I am starting CBT. I really hope this helps as I cannot control my thoughts at times. It’s 4am, I wake up the same time every night and don’t go back asleep.

All that helps now is the gym, I train a lot and have began to run again. I let myself go the last few years but in the last month I have focused on me and have lost 9kg.

I try to remain positive but it’s difficult when you are lonely. I have began speaking with my friends and explaining that I had a drug problem - they were not surprised. I believe when one relationship ends another one begins, this new relationship is with myself. Learning to love myself again and not being too hard on me.

Myself and my mother have began speaking again, for the first time in 10 years (properly.) instead of being upset about our past I am beginning to understand it. She has apologised and for what happened between us and is now clean herself. I feel like I have a new mother who I love dearly and is helping me through this.

Everyday I learn more and try to be positive. I keep telling myself to be strong but it’s difficult at times (more so then not.) I know things will get better, anyone reading this - things will get better for you too.

Thank you for reading

(((HUGS)))

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 8:10am

LoughNeagh2017 wrote: »

I don't agree with your mindset regarding hope, we live in a jungle and some creatures were destined for bad experiences and shorter life spans, not everyone was destined to be a successful lion. Good lives are only for the mentally healthy, High IQ, non Autistic humans. No I wouldn't wish to pay for mental treatment, the most I would try is CBT via the NHS, I don't agree with slaving away at work and using your pittance to pay for therapists when it is work that is making your mental health worse in the first place.

We live in a garden. Full of life and beauty.

Your post reminds me of the words found after the War.

"two men looking through the prison bars.. One saw mud, the other the stars. "

Our choice .

FluffyTowel · 13-11-2019 8:20am

Graces7 wrote: »

We live in a garden. Full of life and beauty.

Your post reminds me of the words found after the War.

"two men looking through the prison bars.. One saw mud, the other the stars. "

Our choice .

So true. What a good quote. I didn't have the best night - trying my best, but struggling, but I will carry this with me today.

[Edit - the quote, not the struggle!]

Thank you.

Wishing a good day to you all in here. Hope you see the stars (well - that would be weird during the day, but, you know what I mean!).

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 9:02am

FluffyTowel wrote: »

So true. What a good quote. I didn't have the best night - trying my best, but struggling, but I will carry this with me today. [Edit - the quote, not the struggle!]

Thank you.

Wishing a good day to you all in here. Hope you see the stars (well - that would be weird during the day, but, you know what I mean!).

There is another longer one from a concentration camp, beginning " I believe in the sun even when it is not shining..."

Words written under appalling conditions, that can give us heart

forgodssake · 13-11-2019 2:07pm

theballz wrote: »

I have suffered from anxiety most of my life. 4 years ago I went on anti depressants, I had an abusive up bringing - my mother was a drinker and we didn’t get on. The last 4/5 years I myself developed addictions to over the counter subscriptions.

I struggle to hold down relationships with women and I am very lonely. A few months ago I met a girl
who I thought was the love of my life. I explained to her my problems, she supported me - I came off the over the counter drugs and decided to kick the anti depressants along with that (against doctors orders.)

Everything was going fine, about a week into going clean she ended it with me. Didn’t say why - it broke my heart. I stayed off the medication until about a month in when I fell into a dark hole. I nearly commit suicide, I met my GP and he immediately re-prescribed me. He never wanted me off them but I am week in and feeling a little better.

I am full of anger, hurt, pain, confusion, frustration and guilt. I don’t know why she left me, I treated her well.

Now, I am seeking help. I am seeing a therapist once a week but I don’t think it’s working. I understand my issues but I don’t know how to manage my emotions therefore I am starting CBT. I really hope this helps as I cannot control my thoughts at times. It’s 4am, I wake up the same time every night and don’t go back asleep.

All that helps now is the gym, I train a lot and have began to run again. I let myself go the last few years but in the last month I have focused on me and have lost 9kg.

I try to remain positive but it’s difficult when you are lonely. I have began speaking with my friends and explaining that I had a drug problem - they were not surprised. I believe when one relationship ends another one begins, this new relationship is with myself. Learning to love myself again and not being too hard on me.

Myself and my mother have began speaking again, for the first time in 10 years (properly.) instead of being upset about our past I am beginning to understand it. She has apologised and for what happened between us and is now clean herself. I feel like I have a new mother who I love dearly and is helping me through this.

Everyday I learn more and try to be positive. I keep telling myself to be strong but it’s difficult at times (more so then not.) I know things will get better, anyone reading this - things will get better for you too.

Thank you for reading

Wow. Just read back over your post yourself and look at at all the amazing positives your are trying and introducing into your life. Well done .

Skybirdjb · 13-11-2019 2:09pm

theballz wrote: »

I have suffered from anxiety most of my life. 4 years ago I went on anti depressants, I had an abusive up bringing - my mother was a drinker and we didn’t get on. The last 4/5 years I myself developed addictions to over the counter subscriptions.

I struggle to hold down relationships with women and I am very lonely. A few months ago I met a girl
who I thought was the love of my life. I explained to her my problems, she supported me - I came off the over the counter drugs and decided to kick the anti depressants along with that (against doctors orders.)

Everything was going fine, about a week into going clean she ended it with me. Didn’t say why - it broke my heart. I stayed off the medication until about a month in when I fell into a dark hole. I nearly commit suicide, I met my GP and he immediately re-prescribed me. He never wanted me off them but I am week in and feeling a little better.

I am full of anger, hurt, pain, confusion, frustration and guilt. I don’t know why she left me, I treated her well.

Now, I am seeking help. I am seeing a therapist once a week but I don’t think it’s working. I understand my issues but I don’t know how to manage my emotions therefore I am starting CBT. I really hope this helps as I cannot control my thoughts at times. It’s 4am, I wake up the same time every night and don’t go back asleep.

All that helps now is the gym, I train a lot and have began to run again. I let myself go the last few years but in the last month I have focused on me and have lost 9kg.

I try to remain positive but it’s difficult when you are lonely. I have began speaking with my friends and explaining that I had a drug problem - they were not surprised. I believe when one relationship ends another one begins, this new relationship is with myself. Learning to love myself again and not being too hard on me.

Myself and my mother have began speaking again, for the first time in 10 years (properly.) instead of being upset about our past I am beginning to understand it. She has apologised and for what happened between us and is now clean herself. I feel like I have a new mother who I love dearly and is helping me through this.

Everyday I learn more and try to be positive. I keep telling myself to be strong but it’s difficult at times (more so then not.) I know things will get better, anyone reading this - things will get better for you too.

Thank you for reading

Your doing great ! Just to say that cbt therapy really helped me well worth giving it a try

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 3:10pm

Shaking! Was abed after housework when a large cow appeared near the door! Dressed and went out to find my neighbour had his cattle all over the place..

He is handicapped, loves his cows as pets and at this time of year, farmers can be very... about getting every last blade of grass before they go in for the winter. I am used to that. Not used to a shouting match and they have eaten plants and kale, cannot face checking my poor garden

I can deal with sheep and have often had to but cows are rather too large... And these are tame. Just stare at you!

Just too much today... YOU know what any extra stress/physical activity can do. And he said they own the field I have been using all these years without an issue and where they even buried my dog for me.

By then I was shaking. so called his brother... It will be sorted and the cattle will be in for the winter . He was surprised I knew about cattle. Been in rural Ireland two decades.

One More Toy · 13-11-2019 3:21pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Shaking! Was abed after housework when a large cow appeared near the door! Dressed and went out to find my neighbour had his cattle all over the place..

He is handicapped, loves his cows as pets and at this time of year, farmers can be very... about getting every last blade of grass before they go in for the winter. I am used to that. Not used to a shouting match and they have eaten plants and kale, cannot face checking my poor garden

I can deal with sheep and have often had to but cows are rather too large... And these are tame. Just stare at you!

Just too much today... YOU know what any extra stress/physical activity can do. And he said they own the field I have been using all these years without an issue and where they even buried my dog for me.

By then I was shaking. so called his brother... It will be sorted and the cattle will be in for the winter . He was surprised I knew about cattle. Been in rural Ireland two decades.

Hope you are keeping warm in this weather!!

Graces7 · 13-11-2019 9:21pm

One More Toy wrote: »

Hope you are keeping warm in this weather!!

Doing my best, she says as she listens to the next gale stretching its legs out there..... And you?

Skybirdjb · 13-11-2019 10:02pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Doing my best, she says as she listens to the next gale stretching its legs out there..... And you?

Hope the cats keeping u warm graces how are u feeling ?

One More Toy · 13-11-2019 10:26pm

Graces7 wrote: »

Doing my best, she says as she listens to the next gale stretching its legs out there..... And you?

Sitting in a freezing flat for most of the day, sporting hats and gloves inside!

Graces7 · 14-11-2019 7:19am

One More Toy wrote: »

Sitting in a freezing flat for most of the day, sporting hats and gloves inside!

((( glowing hugs )))

Graces7 · 14-11-2019 7:22am

One More Toy wrote: »

Sitting in a freezing flat for most of the day, sporting hats and gloves inside!

Awww... a hot water bottle helps... Will not shock by saying what I am wearing!

We do what we have to!

Graces7 · 14-11-2019 7:23am

Skybirdjb wrote: »

Hope the cats keeping u warm graces how are u feeling ?

We will be fine but no end tot he bitter weather in sight.. Deeply thankful I got supplies in..

Stay snug

Barti · 14-11-2019 7:56pm

Hi all, new to this thread, but just wondering what people do to cope, and how people's partners/friends/family can help?

My partner suffers from anxiety and depression, and was recently diagnosed with extreme anxiety and depression, and completely lacks self-confidence when it comes to working (she's great at other things that she does for herself like painting and cooking). She started a new job in the summer after leaving her old place due to stress, and all was well for a couple months but things built up and she has been out of work now for 6 weeks or so.

Her employer met with her this morning on the premise of discussing how she was, but she came out of that chat utterly defeated and crying. Apparently the employer asked her why she was out so long and that she had never heard of someone being out of work for so long as a contractor, and asked was she just going to feel this same way after Christmas, trying to compare it to it just being a seasonal depressive issue. She made my partner believe she was utterly useless and is most likely out of a job, as they will be discussing my partner with the company she works at (she is contracted out).

I know she is currently applying for illness benefit, and I really hope something comes through for her. In the meantime though, we are strapped for money as rent is over 50% of my single income and she hasn't been earning from work in over 6 weeks.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is what can I do to help her through this? I am regularly assuring her that all will be ok and we will manage financially if I budget things, and that we will just take it one day at a time, but is there anything else I can help with to just get through each day and help her see that things will get better over time? She does go to therapy, but that gets expensive and while I can try budget around it, it will leave us with pretty much nothing at the end of the month. She would love to go back working, but I think she is afraid of getting into the same rut again. I also don't know if she would get anything from social welfare if she were no longer employed there, or if there is any other kind of support she can get just to get her mental health to a more manageable point?

BohsCeltic · 14-11-2019 8:16pm

Hi mate, you seem like a really kind and caring person.
I had the same issues with work as your wife. Wanting to go back so i could have my normal routine but afraid that i will just go back into the same rut again.

I went back to work because of pressure from my boss but also for financial reasons. Big Big mistake as i relapsed something terrible. My family and friends are very supportive once i got an official diagnosis.
They were all quite shocked as i always appeared to be happy and funny. But that was from the outside, they couldn't see what was going on inside.

She is probably feeling guilt putting all the financial pressure on you so just reassure her not to worry about that as you are taking care of it. The important thing is to help and focus on herself.

Best wishes to you both.

Gremlinertia · 14-11-2019 9:10pm

Barti, welcome to the thread, you are far from alone in this.. Do follow up social welfare, in fact theres a forum on boards for just such a thing. Perhaps look at financial support with rent too.
You must, must look after yourself, see if Aware or some other support group operate in your area, they offer for support for family/partners/friends of those supporting a loved one too.

Barti · 14-11-2019 9:14pm

BohsCeltic wrote: »

I went back to work because of pressure from my boss but also for financial reasons. Big Big mistake as i relapsed something terrible. My family and friends are very supportive once i got an official diagnosis.

She is probably feeling guilt putting all the financial pressure on you so just reassure her not to worry about that as you are taking care of it. The important thing is to help and focus on herself.

Thanks for the reply, I know what you mean about having happy exterior but turmoil inside, as that is my partner exactly.

Do you mind me asking where your went from having to leave work, as I reckon my partner is at that stage? She had a similar situation with the previous job, and for that she took a couple months or so until money dried up and then started looking for another job, but this same thing happened again in her current job, so I'm wondering is there something we should focus on (just keep therapy and CBT going and hope it helps her get to a better more confident place)?

BohsCeltic · 14-11-2019 9:20pm

Barti wrote: »

Thanks for the reply, I know what you mean about having happy exterior but turmoil inside, as that is my partner exactly.

Do you mind me asking where your went from having to leave work, as I reckon my partner is at that stage? She had a similar situation with the previous job, and for that she took a couple months or so until money dried up and then started looking for another job, but this same thing happened again in her current job, so I'm wondering is there something we should focus on (just keep therapy and CBT going and hope it helps her get to a better more confident place)?

I'm still technically employed and just receive illness benefit and that's a struggle for me. I'm not married or have kids so I have no idea how people can live on that money.
Is she on medication aswell as therapy ?

Barti · 14-11-2019 9:38pm

BohsCeltic wrote: »

I'm still technically employed and just receive illness benefit and that's a struggle for me. I'm not married or have kids so I have no idea how people can live on that money.
Is she on medication aswell as therapy ?

Ah, I get ya. We'll see how it goes for her, I know being a contracted employee can be a bit different in terms of what rights you have in terms of being kept on while ill, so we'll just have to wait and see.

She is on medication, she has been for a long while now, and it definitely helps, cause there were days where she ran out and it just makes her head so foggy and unable to focus. Maybe we'll just try get out of the house more, go for walks at the beach or in the woods (it's just getting a little chilly for that, but it might be good for us both to do still), and just take it one day at a time. It is just hard sometimes to manage that plus my own work, although they are super accomodating if I need to take time to bring my partner to her therapy sessions or whatever.

BohsCeltic · 15-11-2019 12:30am

Barti wrote: »

Ah, I get ya. We'll see how it goes for her, I know being a contracted employee can be a bit different in terms of what rights you have in terms of being kept on while ill, so we'll just have to wait and see.

She is on medication, she has been for a long while now, and it definitely helps, cause there were days where she ran out and it just makes her head so foggy and unable to focus. Maybe we'll just try get out of the house more, go for walks at the beach or in the woods (it's just getting a little chilly for that, but it might be good for us both to do still), and just take it one day at a time. It is just hard sometimes to manage that plus my own work, although they are super accomodating if I need to take time to bring my partner to her therapy sessions or whatever.

Getting out in Nature is great. I haven't walked my dogs in a couple of weeks as i also have psoriasis so my feet and legs are so painful it's hard to. It also doesn't help my depression which in turn makes me more stressed and i get flare ups.
I look back to just over a year ago when it started to develop first. I wish i had the same skin as i had then. But i know i won't so i just need to move forward and try take care of myself as best i can.

Graces7 · 15-11-2019 1:22am

BohsCeltic wrote: »

Getting out in Nature is great. I haven't walked my dogs in a couple of weeks as i also have psoriasis so my feet and legs are so painful it's hard to. It also doesn't help my depression which in turn makes me more stressed and i get flare ups.
I look back to just over a year ago when it started to develop first. I wish i had the same skin as i had then. But i know i won't so i just need to move forward and try take care of myself as best i can.

Blessed I am out here on this small ocean island as I am in and out among the fresh wind many times a day. No need for exertion; just open the door...bringing turf in is to have the ocean in front of my eyes and that air in my lungs

One More Toy · 15-11-2019 6:55pm

Having a really tough time. Somebody say a prayer for me

Mam of 4 · 15-11-2019 7:03pm

One More Toy wrote: »

Having a really tough time. Somebody say a prayer for me

You ok OMT ?
There's always someone here if you want to talk if it helps ?

BohsCeltic · 15-11-2019 7:07pm

One More Toy wrote: »

Having a really tough time. Somebody say a prayer for me

I'll say a prayer for you even though i am not religious.

Not great myself, stressing over banks, my health, my life in general and how i fcuked it up.

I'm not sleeping much and that is when the demons come out. I slept for 2 hours last night.
I did manage to eat a bowl of porridge and toast with decaff coffee for breakfast then a massive sandwich for lunch and took my vitamins. That's unlike me tbh.

Then i done some washing and cleaned my home, felt good after it.
Keeping busy helps for sure but for me it it is hard with my feet still so sore.
Now i need to shower and spend 20 mins putting creams on my body for my psoriasis. It's never ending.

Have to stay strong though, made it this far in life so never give up hope.

Take care mate.

Just when things seem to start looking up something always knocks you back down, especially them Irish Life halfwiths grrrrrr.

Skybirdjb · 15-11-2019 8:24pm

One More Toy wrote: »

Having a really tough time. Somebody say a prayer for me

Hope ur ok always here for a rant

theballz · 16-11-2019 6:46am

Barti wrote: »

Hi all, new to this thread, but just wondering what people do to cope, and how people's partners/friends/family can help?

My partner suffers from anxiety and depression, and was recently diagnosed with extreme anxiety and depression, and completely lacks self-confidence when it comes to working (she's great at other things that she does for herself like painting and cooking). She started a new job in the summer after leaving her old place due to stress, and all was well for a couple months but things built up and she has been out of work now for 6 weeks or so.

Her employer met with her this morning on the premise of discussing how she was, but she came out of that chat utterly defeated and crying. Apparently the employer asked her why she was out so long and that she had never heard of someone being out of work for so long as a contractor, and asked was she just going to feel this same way after Christmas, trying to compare it to it just being a seasonal depressive issue. She made my partner believe she was utterly useless and is most likely out of a job, as they will be discussing my partner with the company she works at (she is contracted out).

I know she is currently applying for illness benefit, and I really hope something comes through for her. In the meantime though, we are strapped for money as rent is over 50% of my single income and she hasn't been earning from work in over 6 weeks.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is what can I do to help her through this? I am regularly assuring her that all will be ok and we will manage financially if I budget things, and that we will just take it one day at a time, but is there anything else I can help with to just get through each day and help her see that things will get better over time? She does go to therapy, but that gets expensive and while I can try budget around it, it will leave us with pretty much nothing at the end of the month. She would love to go back working, but I think she is afraid of getting into the same rut again. I also don't know if she would get anything from social welfare if she were no longer employed there, or if there is any other kind of support she can get just to get her mental health to a more manageable point?

Credit to you for staying so supportive and positive. You’ve got the fundamentals truly in place - many couples in this position do not last. Give yourself a pat on the back for that

I’m by no means a guru on illness benefit but I do know my mother got it for quite some time when she was off work unwell. She had depression and anxiety, I’m unsure how much she got but it helped her.

Has she gotten any sort of professional help? I know money is tight so it might not be realistic but I would suggest something like a support group. Aware of many of them (some better then others - I would recommend blanch for example.) The thought of these groups can be intimidating for someone with anxiety, when I first went I sat outside for about an hour thinking should I/should I not go in? But I went in and the people are lovely

Even for yourself, if she cannot bring herself to go then maybe you should.

The important thing to note is, you are not alone. Nor is she, help is out there. Things will get better mate, please stand tall and firm on your positive fundamentals

_CreeD_ · 16-11-2019 7:12am

Support vs. enablement. I say this as someone who from early teens has had huge depression/anxiety issues, I have family members with both. It never goes away, all that changes are events and your coping mechanisms. From your specific case, 6 weeks out as a contractor? Gone. I've been on both sides of this career wise, being a contractor brings benefits but also expendability, that's the nature of the game. Do not expect familial treatment when you aren't part of the family. The fact the supervisor came to talk to her instead of outright firing is actually a plus for them, that's business and with that timeframe not remotely cut-throat. What you have described about her future, as a fear of getting into the same rut, that 'rut' is not any one job or related situation. It's her mindset. The need to bury yourself in the bedsheets, to dream and wish and lie in warm bliss, it's lovely. It doesn't work when you're an adult. Especially when you are in a relationship and/or have kids. You don't have the luxury because others have to bear your burdens.
You need to either except that you are the only earner, that the comforting quilt your partner has crept into is something you can handle, or support but ENABLE them to fight past the disfunction that they are living. It took me almost a decade to move past disfunctional to performing and that I largely attribute to my own wife. She held me when I needed comfort but pushed me when I needed to live. The hardest thing is the first step, but sometimes...and only sometimes...people have to be pushed to make it. What matters as a partner is your motivation. They will make their own choices.
But, I guess in a way TLDR, don't confuse compassion with submission, or retreat with comfort. Life is a battle. It's always hard unless you are an idiot. Support is not just holding in defeat, it's teaching to get back up and try again.

One More Toy · 16-11-2019 5:32pm

I've an exam to study for and I cannot get out of bed. All I want to do is sleep

Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

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