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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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    #2492
    waynescales1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭waynescales1


    How did the psychic know Santa was coming down the chimney?

    She could feeeeel hiiiis presents.


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    #2493
    chewed
    Registered Users Posts: 3,406 ✭✭✭chewed


    When I told the doctor that my crossword puzzle obsession was making me depressed, he told me not to get two down.


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    #2494
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,325 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    I used to go to him but he tried to put four across on me.


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    #2495
    Emmersonn
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Emmersonn


    He tried 69 down with me. I just could'nt swallow that.


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    #2496
    upupup
    Registered Users Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    The wife has been Nagging me too much about my Flamingo impressions so I had to put my foot down.


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    #2497
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    I heard Liverpool FC asked for permission for their fans to take flares into Old Trafford yesterday as they thought it would help them with their title challenge.
    Apparently last time they won the league everyone was wearing them...!!


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    #2498
    waynescales1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭waynescales1


    Dunno if anyone saw this in the news but there was a crash on the M2 in Meath today. A cement lorry crashed into a prisoner transport vehicle and the convicts escaped.

    Gardai are asking locals to be on the lookout for 14 hardened criminals.


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    #2499
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,619 ✭✭✭TheBody


    The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets, but first I've got to want to help myself.


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    #2500
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,325 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    A man was in court to receive a sentence for his crime of looking through peoples' windows with his telescope.

    The judge asked him when he first began this despicable behaviour.

    "Well your honour," he said, "when I was just a kid my parents bought me this telescope and said I should take an interest in ass-tronomy. I didn't know what that was but dad said to his mate one day that there was some nice ass next door. So I pointed the telescope there. He was right. Since then, I have discovered quite a few heavenly bodies around town."

    "Do you ever have an open house where I can come and take a look?" asked the judge.

    "Out of order," cried the man's lawyer. Then his face turned red. "Umm, I've already been over to his house your honour, it's the other way round."


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    #2501
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,325 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    How do you order a pizza in a Buddhist country?

    "Make me one with everything."


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    #2502
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,693 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    M.T. Cranium wrote: »
    How do you order a pizza in a Buddhist country?

    "Make me one with everything."
    But don't pay for it with large notes unless you have money to burn.

    Because change has to come from within


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    #2503
    bonzodog2
    Registered Users Posts: 6,210 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    Possums, an Aussie story!

    The churches in Blenheim were suffering from a plague of possums, and were struggling to stop them peeing in the doorways and disturbing early morning and late night services by sliding up and down the roofs.


    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their possums. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


    At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following week.


    The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the possums were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.


    But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.


    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen a possum since.


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    #2504
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Breaking news:
    Guy shot with a starting pistol!
    Police believe that it is race related!


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    #2505
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,693 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    50 years late but Donald Trump finally went to Vietnam.


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    #2506
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,693 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Bilbo and Frodo Baggins have had their benefits sanctioned and are being investigated after it has come to light that they have been co hobbiting


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    #2507
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
    I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.


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    #2508
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    As I was taking a bath upstairs, I thought to myself...

    This would have been easier if I'd let all the water out first.


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    #2509
    lbc2019
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,291 ✭✭✭lbc2019


    I cant believe its pancake Tuesday tomorrow. Honestly, it just creped up on me.


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    #2510
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    lbc2019 wrote: »
    I cant believe its pancake Tuesday tomorrow. Honestly, it just creped up on me.

    You're taking it well...







    I nearly flipped!!


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    #2511
    dilallio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,728 ✭✭✭dilallio


    lbc2019 wrote: »
    I cant believe its pancake Tuesday tomorrow. Honestly, it just creped up on me.
    whiskeyman wrote: »
    You're taking it well...







    I nearly flipped!!

    If you go on the batter tonight, you'll be grand.


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    #2512
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Just be sure the night doesn't go flat!


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    #2513
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    Ah for flip sake, forgot all about it.


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    #2514
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,346 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    From the frying pan into the fire...


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    #2515
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Heyyyyy! What syrup?


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    #2516
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    coolhull wrote: »
    Heyyyyy! What syrup?

    Hheey!! Are you my mad ex girlfriend Ella?
    She was crazy!






    Nut Ella


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    #2517
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,693 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Rick Astley really struggles every Lent.


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    #2518
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    "I caught my twelve year old son looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

    "That's pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn't it?" he asked.

    "Not on eBay it isn't." I said.


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    #2519
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    After my girlfriend had given birth to our son, the midwife smiled at me and said, "Do you have a name?"

    I said, "Yes, it's Brian""

    "Brian is a lovely name," she replied.

    I said, "Thanks, what do you think we should call the baby?"


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    #2520
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife has asked for a divorce after she found out I'd exposed myself to the girl next door.

    15 years of marriage... gone in a flash.


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    #2521
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Justice has been served, There is a local thug in the Tullamore area called Carl going around breaking into peoples houses and apartments for months, but the gardai couldn't catch him.
    The weirdest thing about it is that Carl was breaking into peoples houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on, Really weird if you ask me, Anyway just read he was found dead in an alley after a drug overdose. On the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.


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