What's the etiquette here??

Hector Savage · 10-10-2019 9:27am

My wife bought this cushion yesterday

.

What the f*ck was she thinking ???
When I pointed the fact that it looks like a giant anus out to her she got pissed off, and now it's all she can see !

Well yeah, I mean ffs!! who designs this crap ???

Hotblack Desiato · 10-10-2019 10:40am

At least it's not pink or brown!!!

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 10:54am

Wasn’t there a “things that look like arse holes” thread before? Prime candidate there, H.

padd b1975 · 10-10-2019 11:20am

Bullocks wrote: »

I'm using the Tokyo Laundry ones out of TK Max , comfortable but not to clingy and snug so damn all sweating when the pressure comes on.
I don't look for too much longevity in jocks anymore, feck the carbon footprint. I like a new 3 pack fairly often and get rid of the other ones as soon as they show signs of wear or getting bally in the wash

Same here.
Eamonn Ryan can whistle if he thinks any right-minded man who values personal hygiene is going to do any different.

I do the same with duvet covers and pillowcases.

JohnnyFlash · 10-10-2019 12:16pm

wing52 wrote: »

Lads, keep it close to home with "Vedoneire". Utterly soft,yet with a tenacious hold on the "boys".

No swing,dropout or bounce.

Highly absorbent of the horrors that can lurk around them there bits.

Almost scratchproof, but will put up the battle against the "seam ream"when called upon.

Refuses to build up a fent on the hottest summers day

I'm very impressed by them.

Puts others to torn,stained greasy shame.

Vedoneire? You 85 and living in a nursing home, pal?

Utter Consternation · 10-10-2019 2:09pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Wasn’t there a “things that look like arse holes” thread before? Prime candidate there, H.

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

Aglomerado · 10-10-2019 2:12pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

At least it's not pink or brown!!!

I would put a strategic blob of Nutella on it

JohnnyFlash · 10-10-2019 2:14pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

Clean ‘headshot’ there UC.

colm_mcm · 10-10-2019 2:18pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Hopefully the contributors to this esteemed senate of debate and intellectual enquiry will forgive me for going off on a bit of a tangent, but something has been bothering me for quite some time.

Has anyone noticed a dramatic decrease in the quality of branded underwear? Usually operate a 10 pair rota - new pair of boxers daily with 3 spare pairs for overnights or emergency changes. So washed once a week. The gusset is giving up on them after about 3 months though - holes developing in the crotch and sump area. Using premium washing powder and conditioner and putting them on a 40 degree wash at 1000 revolutions per minute. All within the standard operating manual.

Now we’re not talking Brendan Bendar specials here - 14 pairs of yellowing briefs routed out from the final reductions bin in Guineys. No, I’m talking premium brands - Pringle, Bjorn Borg, Calvin Klein etc.

Is this yet another sign of the death of quality and the late stages of capitalism? Poor quality cotton won’t last long when in daily contact with the naturally acidic qualities of ball grease and sump oil.

Those brands are all Sports Direct own brands these days. The shame.

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 2:21pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Was there a picture of you in that thread?

Hmmm...?

A low blow, U.

Not appreciated. We don’t need comments like that dragging down this esteemed “confab” with nasty attacks like that.

Utter Consternation · 10-10-2019 3:25pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

A low blow, U.

Not appreciated. We don’t need comments like that dragging down this esteemed “confab” with nasty attacks like that.

Apologies ES, got a bit worked up there. I had a fish curry last night with half a loaf of brown bread. Feeling a bit bound up today.

Hotblack Desiato · 10-10-2019 5:38pm

Further proof of Johnny's theory. A good deposit will have you feeling like a new man* again, UC.

* Did I just presume your gender? Yeah, yeah I did.

EmmetSpiceland · 10-10-2019 6:00pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Apologies ES, got a bit worked up there. I had a fish curry last night with half a loaf of brown bread. Feeling a bit bound up today.

Apology accepted, U. These things happen. Looking back on it now it was a good “dig”.

The brown bread is a real sly dog. I’ve been eating a bit myself lately. Too much, really. I’ve found that I still have my late night “visit” but my morning/afternoon ones have all but vanished.

The farts are, as I’ve heard said on here, “wojus”. Really stinks, like something died up there. No difficultly in getting out the bolus, itself, but it’s a long smelly day.

Would not like to add any “fish curry” to that mix. Hope you’re holding up well. Or as well as can be.

Voodoomelon · 10-10-2019 10:41pm

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

fuerte1976 · 10-10-2019 11:18pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Splendid commentary. Hope the throbbing hoop has receded!

[Deleted User] · 10-10-2019 11:32pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Had an awful day yesterday, wasn't arsed getting a proper lunch so dropped into Lidl and picked up two of their sandwiches, egg mayo and a BLT. Nice sandwiches I have to say. But the bread did NOT agree with me; my intolerance to wheat or whatever it is flared up. Was on the drive home from work and the cramps were unbearable, I was genuinely concerned i'd let a squirt out straight into my pants.

Landed the car in the garage arseways, left the door open and jogged as fast as my clenched buttocks would allow down the garden. The cramps with me come and go and like clockwork, as soon as I put the key in the back door, the pain disappeared. Time I thought to get the wood stove lit. No sooner had I the match struck, the cramps returned with vengeance, near dropped a load straight onto the dining room floor. This time it was proper urgent, I ran for the stairs and bundled into the toilet and emptied a constant stream of hot arse chowder into the pan. No time to paper down so the collateral damage wasn't pleasant. As soon as I stood up, the cramps started again and I went for round two.

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Supermarket sandwiches are the work of the devil and should be avoided at all costs. If I were in your shoes I'd chance calling in sick tomorrow and take a long weekend to recuperate. You have to build yourself back up and face next week's gastric challenges head on.

ToddyDoody · 11-10-2019 12:50am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Further proof of Johnny's theory. A good deposit will have you feeling like a new man* again, UC.

* Did I just presume your gender? Yeah, yeah I did.

One of mine today was very smelly. I wonder do I have a bit of a bug.

Hotblack Desiato · 11-10-2019 1:43am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I felt like death still and 20 minutes later I was back in for round three. And no lie, round four just before bed. At that stage it was time for a shower, I felt like a filthy, empty, drained man. A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

I said it to you before Voodoo - not all of this gluten free thing is a fad. There's coeliacs who get sick to f**k if they have a trace of the stuff, and then there's wheat intolerant people who might get away with eating a certain amount, or their tolerance goes down over time. That's what happened to Mrs D, was grand for years and then developed an intolerance.

Go totally gluten free for a few weeks and see how you get on. There are various types of bread out there, some are horrible some are ok. Some decent GF beers. You can drink any cider, wine, or spirits.

I'll bet money your ringpiece will thank you

BTW I'm still eating as much gluten as I ever did. It's perfectly healthy for people who aren't intolerant to it.

Scoundrel · 11-10-2019 10:31am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

A traumatic ordeal for the arse and mind alike.

Indeed my man I often find that a well maintained hoop can lead to a well maintained mind in these days of increased awareness around mental health I think happy hoop happy head is a good slogan

Utter Consternation · 11-10-2019 11:03am

Scoundrel wrote: »

Indeed my man I often find that a well maintained hoop can lead to a well maintained mind in these days of increased awareness around mental health I think happy hoop happy head is a good slogan

You need to take care of your soul. And your hole.

Hector Savage · 11-10-2019 12:46pm

ToddyDoody wrote: »

One of mine today was very smelly. I wonder do I have a bit of a bug.

It's always a bad sign when you can't stand the smell of your own.
Usually I relish the smell (not in the German way of examining the midden on the exposed shelf pan and getting the nose 1cm away from it and taking a MASSIVE full lung SNNNIIIFFFFFF - but you know, a small chuckle, a bit of pride, followed by sympathy for the next poor f*cker who'll use this trap) but a few weeks ago I picked something up - nothing major, but had the belly gurgling a bit more than usual - I was racing to wipe the hoop and lash up the jox and leg it outta there.

Didn't even have time to spray the fabreeze.

Rotten stuff.

partyguinness · 11-10-2019 12:50pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

You need to take care of your soul. And your hole.

"A happy hole is a happy soul."

dulpit · 11-10-2019 1:09pm

This thread has reminded me of a story:

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Sharp MZ700 · 11-10-2019 1:09pm

partyguinness wrote: »

"A happy hole is a happy soul."

You must be right....A dead body will always excrete themselves, hence the soul leaving heading for heaven, or the pub.
This thread is second only to the porcelain throne for deep thinking and life philosophy, another revelation again today. The thread that keeps on giving.

partyguinness · 11-10-2019 1:26pm

dulpit wrote: »

This thread has reminded me of a story:
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/gq8zdb/someone-did-a-****-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/bnpevw/one-year-on-still-thinking-about-poo-plane-303

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/nz5q7m/questions-that-still-need-answering-two-years-on-from-the-poo-plane

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

It would be good if we could reach out to this guy for his version of events.

Stevieluvsye · 11-10-2019 1:30pm

partyguinness wrote: »

It would be good if we could reach out this guy for his version of events.

Now that's proper journalism. Written in the format of how someone would post in this thread.

Must have been a fcuking epic crap

Hector Savage · 11-10-2019 1:32pm

dulpit wrote: »

This thread has reminded me of a story:
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/gq8zdb/someone-did-a-****-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/bnpevw/one-year-on-still-thinking-about-poo-plane-303

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/nz5q7m/questions-that-still-need-answering-two-years-on-from-the-poo-plane

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Hilarious story, but f*ck me only the pile of utter scutter that is Vice could turn this story about man hating and racism against whites ....

Aglomerado · 11-10-2019 1:47pm

dulpit wrote: »

This thread has reminded me of a story:
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/gq8zdb/someone-did-a-****-so-bad-a-british-airways-flight-had-to-turn-around-and-land-475

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/bnpevw/one-year-on-still-thinking-about-poo-plane-303

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/nz5q7m/questions-that-still-need-answering-two-years-on-from-the-poo-plane

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

I've only ever experienced turbulence, never turdulence.

JohnnyFlash · 11-10-2019 2:03pm

I’d say epic amounts of Guinness and curry was the source of the problem. The flight was from Heathrow to Dubai, and we all know the Guinness can be iffy enough over in England.

Bobblehats · 11-10-2019 2:05pm

Aglomerado wrote: »

I've only ever experienced turbulence, never turdulence.

You may experience turdulence.

note the oxygen masks over your heads

What's the etiquette here??

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