The last time you spoke to somebody before their death.

irishguitarlad · 15-11-2020 3:02pm

My grandmother the Christmas before she died the following May. She said to me as I was heading off to Spain again " I suppose this will be the last time I see you" as she had been sick. She was right next thing I saw when I went home was the July afterwards was a gravestone. That's the worst thing about living abroad, funerals are a great way to come to terms with things, coming home to see a gravestone leaves you with an awful sadness.

Gregor Samsa · 15-11-2020 3:14pm

Last one from me. My mother was in hospital with cancer 12 years ago. Myself and my wife were expecting our first child - her first grandchild, and my wife had her first scan. We lived in the other side of the country and only saw her at weekends. We thought she had a good 6 months left. I phoned her as soon as we got out of the doors of the hospital to tell her. I remember the conversation vividly - she was so happy to hear the news and about the scan, and I said I’d see her on Saturday and show her the print out.

Two days later I got a call at 4 in the morning to say she had taken a bad turn. Got to her at 9, and was there to hold her hand when she passed away at 12. I brought the baby scan with me, but by the time I got there she couldn’t talk or see. That very short phone conversation was the bridge between my old life as a son, and my new life as a father.

.anon. · 15-11-2020 6:47pm

I'm very sorry for your loss, DEFTLEFTHAND.

This thread is a hard read. I don't remember the last thing I said to my mother, or the last thing she said to me. The last time I saw her conscious was two days before she died. She had slept solidly for the previous few days, so I arrived at the hospice that morning expecting the same. When I walked into the room, her bed was empty and the double doors were open, leading out onto a nice decking area. It was an unseasonably warm and sunny day and she was sitting in a chair, wide awake, eating ice cream. As soon as she saw me, she became extremely upset and started telling me that everything was going to be ok, and that she was sorry for "all of this" ("this" being her illness) and for being so difficult to look after over the previous year (tbf, she was very difficult to look after, because she hated being looked after).

It felt like a last moment of clarity amid the fog that had engulfed her over the previous months as the cancer spread to her brain. Anyway, we settled her down, put her back to bed and that turned out to be the last time I saw her awake. She fell into a very deep sleep and died two days later.

NSAman · 15-11-2020 6:54pm

My dad, I was working abroad when I got a call from my brother to come home. I spent the next two hours trying to get flights.

Managed to get on the flights... arrived in Dublin, got a speeding ticket getting to the hospital. He opened his eyes when I walked in the room and I said “dad I’m here now, I love you”..he closed his eyes and that was the last time he woke up.

He always wanted his whole family around him and we were. Still hurts that I didn’t have more time with him.

Gael23 · 15-11-2020 6:55pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

Foweva Awone · 15-11-2020 7:01pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

What's to forgive?

That she didn't have some psychic premonition that the accident was gonna happen, so that she could warn her friends?

COVID · 15-11-2020 7:06pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

My mother back in the day was supposed to go to a dance with 4 of her friends but for whatever reason she went with somebody else. She said she was talking to them as they drove off. Minutes later the 4 were killed in a head on collision

Gael23 wrote: »

Not sure how you forgive yourself after something like that

I'm sure you're being sympathetic, but I'm not sure that 'forgive' is the right word here.

Gael23 · 15-11-2020 7:07pm

Foweva Awone wrote: »

What's to forgive? That she didn't have some psychic premonition that the accident was gonna happen, so that she could warn her friends?

The what ifs that race through your head

ChikiChiki · 15-11-2020 7:13pm

Sorry for your loss OP.

On the day my father passed, I said "good luck, I'll see you later" as I headed off to do some shopping with the gf at the time. Vivedly remember the back of his head on the couch watching the racing.

Seemed in good form and had got the hair cut and cut the grass that morning. Honestly, nothing really seemed out of the ordinary until I got a phone call some hours later off the brother. Only wished I stayed and chatted :-(

kippy · 15-11-2020 7:24pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

When my dad died he was in hospital and had been through a lot - aggressive cancer treatments, sepsis and a long stay in a coma in intensive care. Somehow he rallied and eventually was moved onto a regular ward in a the hospital. I would visit every evening on the way home from work and stay for about an hour. The night before he died as I was leaving he asked if I would stay longer, sort of a Mrs. Doyle type 'ah go on go on you'll stay another while' thing. I laughed and said sure I'll see you tomorrow! He died the next day, just as I arrived to the ward and although I was there when he died he wasn't awake. I do wish I had stayed a bit longer that night, tearing up typing this now.

So sorry for your loss and all those on here. Losses are unfortunately a part of life that is so difficult to deal with.
My own father passed away in silimiar circumstances. He ended up in ICU in a induced coma for over a week. He came through it and was up talking for a few days. Was with him a Wednesday night for an hour or so and he told me to get going to get back to the family. It was the last I spoke with him as he had a turn and went back into a coma, died that Sunday in his early 70's.
He had a relatively good life, worked hard, was very selfless and did as much as he could for his family. Miss him dearly as does my whole family.
You never know when you will speak to a person for the last time.

Hyperbollix · 15-11-2020 7:39pm

My Dad passed away last year, almost one year after his diagnosis. He took a turn one day at home and his GP said to get some tests done in hospital, while giving me a very serious look. I had done the research on the ailment and knew he was in an advanced stage and more than likely this was the last hurrah, he wouldn't be coming home with us. I'll never forget the lump in my throat and trying to fight back the tears, on the journey to the A&E.

He lasted three days and passed away in his sleep during the night. I remember sitting by his bed that last evening, reading the paper to him and playing an episode of Tommy Tiernan's chatshow for him on my phone. He laughed heartily. Or as heartily as he could with the bloody oxegen mask. I wanted to tell him how great a Dad he was, how grateful I was for all the support and love I always got. How we never really had an angry word between us. All the usual stuff you think you're going to say. I couldn't do it. It felt better to see him smile and laugh. And I think and hope he knew all that anyway.

15-11-2020 7:50pm

I lost my mother in April. The last time I spoke to her was via Facetime, as she was a nursing home resident and we weren't allowed visit. She was very confused and didn't understand how the screen worked, or were to look, or speak. The last words I said to her were "We love you, we'll come see you as soon as we can, okay? Don't worry."

I lost one of my friends in September. 37 years of age, she had a sudden aneuryism. The last time we spoke was via a Zoom chat (she was living in the US) and she said, "I have to go, the baby is awake. Talk soon!" She died a couple of hours later. I found out when her brother contacted me a few days later. I'd been wondering why she wasn't replying to messages.

You truly never know the hour, the minute, or the day.

Wayne Jarvis · 15-11-2020 7:53pm

It's not far off a year since my close friend died. She was going through hard times and I was in near constant contact with her. I spoke to her the night before and told her I would talk to her tomorrow. I was very busy in work that day but still texted and rang a couple of times and tried more when I got home. I got word the following day that she had taken her own life. Devastating, I still think about her everyday and I still wish I did more for her.

Sorry for your loss DEFT.

Galwayguy35 · 15-11-2020 7:58pm

similar to what others have experienced, laughing and joking with my Mam one Saturday at dinner time and an hour later she passed away from a heart attack.

harry Bailey esq · 15-11-2020 8:05pm

Sorry for your loss op. I was chatting away to a friend of sorts outside a supermarket in Balbriggan, Tues last I think. Found out Thursday morning he passed away. A bit of a 'charachter' by all accounts but himself and his little dog Jimmy were beloved by all in the community. The condolences section of rip.ie reflects that. Rest easy Ed.

SafeSurfer · 15-11-2020 8:16pm

Very sorry for your loss OP and for all who have shared your stories.

Death of a loved one is the most difficult experience we face in life. I have lost 2 family members, both suddenly, both conversations mundane, everyday, ordinary. In a way I imagine waiting for a loved one to die is even more difficult than sudden death. There is nothing profound that I can imagine telling my loved ones had I known they were going to die other than that I loved them.

To those who lost loved ones during the Covid restrictions I can’t imagine how difficult that has been.

A quote from Don Quoixte seems appropriate.

“ There were no embraces, because where there is great love there is often little display of it.”

banie01 · 15-11-2020 8:30pm

Sorry for your loss OP.

A couple spring to mind.

My Granda, he was battling lung cancer and I was living abroad. Had said a couple of times in passing that I was coming home, that I wanted to be sure he was looking after himself. About a month before he died I was home for a funeral and saw him.
He looked awful, and I realised I was losing my Granda.
I had decided I was moving home asap just to get some more time with him.
He pulled me aside and told me that

"death is always hard, it's hard because we remember what we lost without ever taking the time to treasure what we had. Some day you'll learn the difference and be happier for it."

I went back abroad, started winding things up to get home, 4 weeks later my mam rang to say he'd taken a turn to get home if I could to say goodbye.
I couldnt get a direct flight.
He died while I was to transfer flights in Madrid.

My 1st wife, saying the

"taxi is on the way"

then collapsing.
Neither of us drove then and we were heading out for a Saturday in town with the boy and to do some shopping.
She never regained consciousness.
Rug totally pulled from under me, my hopes and dreams gone and me left holding the baby...
Well I say baby, He was 3.
I spent an awful long time angry at world before the advice my grandad gave me 5yrs earlier broke through.

I hope everyone on this thread is doing ok.
If ye need it?
Feel free to borrow my grandads's advice.

Stihl waters · 15-11-2020 8:42pm

I did a job in the early summer for a neighbour that I only got to know in last couple of years, at the end of the day we sat down in the sunshine drinking a couple of cans and he told me he'd had a cough with a while but he wasn't worried as the doctor had told him all his tests had come back clear but was sending him for further tests just to be sure, he was the most sociable friendly man I've ever met, we sat in the sun and had a couple more beers and that's the last time I spoke to him, RIP j, I only wished I knew you longer

Gervais08 · 15-11-2020 9:11pm

I believe my parents are reunited in heaven but I would never push my religious beliefs on to anyone else.

I will share something I read when my mum passed nearly 30 years ago - it’s a Native American proverb that says “no one dies when their body dies, they only die when they are forgotten by the last person who loved them”.

I like that.

Cee-Jay-Cee · 15-11-2020 9:30pm

My dad died of cancer 20 years ago. We were lucky that he was at home with us and wasn’t in pain or on medication. He spent his last week more or less asleep. The first few days he’d wake every so often and we’d ask him if he wanted a drink or anything and we’d give him a sip of water or juice. On his last day, we sort of knew he hadn’t long as his breathing became noisy and he wasn’t waking but at 4pm that Friday his breathing softened and he woke and sat up and looked around, we were all there including his brothers and sisters and we all said goodbye. I said ‘See ya Dad, I love you’ He lay back down, closed his eyes and was gone.

branie2 · 16-11-2020 12:29am

My aunt four years ago, a few weeks before she passed away after suffering from cancer.

Liamo57 · 16-11-2020 12:34am

About 2 years ago, I was in a pub having a drink on a Sat. afternoon, a fellow came in and sat down on the stool next to me and for the duration of the pint I was chatting to him. I finished my pint and my daughter and I left. I was in the pub the following week and the owner told me as the door shut behind me, yer man fell off the stool and died. Heart attack, apparantly.

Baby01032012 · 16-11-2020 1:00am

I lost my mum a year ago this coming Sunday. She was diagnosed with cancer in August, it was too late to treat, and she got 3 months. I’m very grateful for those 3 months, the hospital then the hospice, she got to go home near the end and I moved in with her. Nurses knew when she was likely to pass and I stayed night with her in the hospice. Have regrets, she lost consciousness the last week, I wasn’t expecting that and last thing I remember asking her was where did she want to be buried, there were better things I could have said.
Sadly my dad passed away month later, Christmas Day last year. He was in hospital after my mums funeral, didn’t expect him to go though. Saw him with my kids Christmas Day. Then phone call at 7pm to say he had taken turn for the worse. He died 5 minutes before I got to the hospital.
Life is short, it’s about the people around you and the memories, make the most of the time you have, make time.

Gervais08 · 16-11-2020 9:25am

Baby01032012 wrote: »

I lost my mum a year ago this coming Sunday. She was diagnosed with cancer in August, it was too late to treat, and she got 3 months. I’m very grateful for those 3 months, the hospital then the hospice, she got to go home near the end and I moved in with her. Nurses knew when she was likely to pass and I stayed night with her in the hospice. Have regrets, she lost consciousness the last week, I wasn’t expecting that and last thing I remember asking her was where did she want to be buried, there were better things I could have said.
Sadly my dad passed away month later, Christmas Day last year. He was in hospital after my mums funeral, didn’t expect him to go though. Saw him with my kids Christmas Day. Then phone call at 7pm to say he had taken turn for the worse. He died 5 minutes before I got to the hospital.
Life is short, it’s about the people around you and the memories, make the most of the time you have, make time.

The first anniversaries and birthdays are so hard, you’re in my thoughts.

Roadtoad · 16-11-2020 9:38am

My dad's last words: I never made Eighty, did I'.

He missed by about six months.

CivilCybil · 16-11-2020 9:48am

I was very close to my grandparents. Practically reared by them.

My grandad got sick while I was in college. I came home and he was on a lot of morphine and not awake. But when I came into the room he woke up when he heard me and said "ah Cybil" and gave an attempt at a smile and a hug by turning his head into me when I hugged him. He fell back asleep then and that was the last time I saw him lucid.

My granny died a few years ago and I went to see her and was with her alone while the family were talking to the doctor.
She was on a lot of medication and started laughing and saying there were elves dancing on the ceiling. She found it hilarious so I just agreed it was strange and laughed with her. That was the last time we were alone.
Two nights before she died I was hugging her goodbye and started to cry and she hugged me and said "don't be getting upset". I told her I loved her. Next day she was unconscious and she died the following day.

I feel fortunate in a way. A short illness gives you time to prepare. But without life being overtaken by hospital and illness.
A long illness or a sudden death, I can't imagine trying to deal with either.

Graces7 · 16-11-2020 11:12pm

My big brother, aged 19, when I was 16. Over 60 years ago now, but this is as fresh as yesterday..

We were on holiday in the Lake District . first holiday for many years.

With a 12 year old whose family were staying at the same place, we three had been boating on the lake, and stayed too to get back to the lodging house.

He had never been demonstrative . not ever.

Suddenly he reached out a hand, took mine, " Don't be afraid. " I will never forget the feel of his hand in mine. Strong and comforting.

The next morning he was dead; accidental drowning. And life changed for the worse forever.

Truly you never know. And that memory of that unusual kindness... "Don't be afraid. "

And surely we each never know when we too will die. so …. be kind. Leave that memory.

s1ippy · 16-11-2020 11:23pm

We were standing outside the pub we'd just been playing in having an absolute laugh. He didn't want to leave, but his missus was literally dragging him away by the arm. Every time he'd pretend to be leaving to placate her and stop her from dragging him, he'd tell us another hilarious anecdote and we'd be right in the midst of conversation again. All the while with his aul wan giving him and us death stares. I dunno why she didn't just fuck off, I wish he'd stayed, in general.

KissMeArse · 16-11-2020 11:31pm

My best friend passed away with cancer 4 years ago, he was given the news just before Christmas that he had basically a few weeks to live. Living abroad, luckily I was home that Christmas so I knew it was the last time I was going to see him. The last night at home I called into his house, he was so in bits it was an effort for him to even get out of bed down into his sitting room but he made the effort for me which I'll forever appreciate. Saying goodbye was hard, he walked me out to his door, we hugged and I told him I loved him and that I'd see him again. Two weeks after I left home, I got the inevitable phone call that he had passed. Fcuk cancer.

Gervais08 · 16-11-2020 11:32pm

Graces7 wrote: »

My big brother, aged 19, when I was 16. Over 60 years ago now, but this is as fresh as yesterday..

We were on holiday in the Lake District . first holiday for many years.

With a 12 year old whose family were staying at the same place, we three had been boating on the lake, and stayed too to get back to the lodging house.

He had never been demonstrative . not ever.

Suddenly he reached out a hand, took mine, " Don't be afraid. " I will never forget the feel of his hand in mine. Strong and comforting.

The next morning he was dead; accidental drowning. And life changed for the worse forever.

Truly you never know. And that memory of that unusual kindness... "Don't be afraid. "

And surely we each never know when we too will die. so …. be kind. Leave that memory.

That’s beautiful and tragic and moving . Bless you.

The last time you spoke to somebody before their death.

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