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What's the etiquette here??

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  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    Some of you might think I'm being a bit soppy, but I feel very happy and proud at this moment. I guess this is how a women feels after she's given birth to a plump, stocky little future front-rower. My baby boy will definitely make the team.

    At least it didn't come out via c-section.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Against my better judgement, I went to the local carvery for lunch, with a work colleague. He's long spoke of their "Hot Dry & Spicy" Wednesday offer. Being a fan of spicy stuff, I went.

    Hot Dry & Chitey is what they should have called it. We're talking chips, rice, some form of oriental chicken balls, and a ladel of cheap McDonnell's curry sauce over the lot. For €11.50.

    Anyhow, Zbigniew wasn't too pleased when i breached the doors of the toilet there to leave off a deposit, while he was mid clean. He had the place looking sparkling, and my trap was immaculate. (I did have to wipe down the seat however, as it was still wet from his efforts). The water in the toilet even had a nice foam in it.

    He was kind enough to depart while business was being attended to. What got left off, frankly, was embarrassing. I looked down to see the the crimped end looked like the burnt end of a match, just much thicker. Had a good chortle then, as it reminded me of that picture of Paul McCartney in the sleeve of a Beatles Album
    ce5346644b8dd9157bf16b1557d384d4.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭tgdaly


    Bit of an uncomfortable one last night, bit of nut got lodged in the aul chocolate pocket, took some aggressive wiping to try get it out, was a bit sore after but luckily had some wipes there to sooth the area after, happy to report no damage done.

    Not sure if it's been discussed so far, but wondering what the experts here advise in the event of a "reverse walnut whip". Just do what you can by all means necessary to fish it out? Play it safe and hope it gets shipped in the next delivery? Can't imagine it's advisable to leave a "nutty nuke" armed on the aul "launch pad", surely potential to go DEFCON 1?


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    I think I'll have to go and get one of those walnut whips now, although I'm not sure I'll enjoy it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    I think I'll have to go and get one of those walnut whips now, although I'm not sure I'll enjoy it.
    Fukc the nut away and you will  enjoy the the rest . You would be aswell buy two , they're small .


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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Bullocks wrote: »
    Fukc the nut away and you will  enjoy the the rest . You would be aswell buy two , they're small .

    Sure they don't have nuts anymore. They're just called whips. I wish I was joking.

    Status update: after that brutal lunch yesterday, sick as a dog still. The farts that were being unleashed yesterday even made the 10 month old baby grimace at home. Eventually, one last push of what I thought was foul air resulted in that familiar liquid feeling.

    Must have pissed around 4 litres of the blackest chite water you've ever seen out. And the smell, my jesus, it was as if the cattle carcass lorry had passed through town on the warmest day of the year. And it had a half load of rotten eggs.

    Haven't paid a visit in work yet, but i'd say poor Zbigniew won't be half as pleasant facing into it this evening


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Good to see Gerry check in with a status update.

    Can I ask that those of you who choose to share personal issues with the community on this thread to please remember to check in again with us within that crucial 24 hour period. There are a lot of kind folk and worriers on this thread and you don’t want to leave them hanging.

    Emmet, you might give us an update on the burning sensation you’ve been experiencing on and around the exterior of your anus lips. Did you apply cream to the “affected area”? Did you figure out whether your issues are related to the grooming problem you had earlier in the month?

    JohnnyFlash, are your movements returning to normal scheduling?. It’s hard when something you’ve taken for granted your entire life switches up. It can be disconcerting. Has stool composition or odour changed after you’ve given up the cigarettes?


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,432 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Emmet, you might give us an update on the burning sensation you’ve been experiencing on and around the exterior of your anus lips. Did you apply cream to the “affected area”? Did you figure out whether your issues are related to the grooming problem you had earlier in the month?

    Doing fine now thanks, F. The “ring sting” abated later in the day. Had a shower and “applied” a bit of talc to the area. No problem with it since.

    However, when visiting the “throne” earlier I had one of them cases of pushing a square “peg” through a round hole.

    It started fine, what I can only describe as a round “ploppet” rolled out with ease. Must have been the beast’s tiny “head” because when it got to the shoulders I, unconsciously, let out an “oh shít”. It pushed through and it really hurt. If you’ve seen that scene in “Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls” where he squeezes out of the rhino you’ll know what I’m talking about.

    Felt “bruised” for minutes after. I left the hole alone for as long as I could before I started the cleanup, which was extensive. The remnants had a “claylike” quality, very dry and very thick. I’m worried there’s still a “stub” of it still lodged in the “poop chute”.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 926 ✭✭✭Utter Consternation


    I do a fair bit of cycling every week in and out of work. I was off for the last month and returned this week to my cycling commute. The fcuking arse is burned off me. I must have built up a bit of arse resistance to the saddle but this has sadly been lost during my month off.

    Fcuking hole on me feels like it went ten rounds with Tyson after four days back on the bike.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,432 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    I do a fair bit of cycling every week in and out of work. I was off for the last month and returned this week to my cycling commute. The fcuking arse is burned off me. I must have built up a bit of arse resistance to the saddle but this has sadly been lost during my month off.

    Fcuking hole on me feels like it went ten rounds with Tyson after four days back on the bike.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    I’ve heard that the french “cyclist”, back in the day, would put steaks into their shorts to help with any “bruising”.

    Then, once the cycle is finished, you’ve got a couple of very well “tenderised” steaks ready for the pan.

    Maybe keep them wrapped up so they don’t get “seasoned” with any arse sweat.

    The tide is turning…



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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    It's funny how life can throw you the odd 'curve ball' at you as the Americans like to say.

    As everyone in here will know, I gave birth to a real beauty earlier in the week. Twelve inches of thick, evenly distributed Irish beef that was still attached to my knot as its head touched down on the porcelain (don't forget I'm a stander), before sliding gracefully away towards his ancestoral home with not so much as a flush needed.

    Stunning sight to be fair. If I took my chite and attached it to the purse lips of any man in here they'd become a very proud father too.

    I'll admit I had a bit of a swagger that day in work, which carried through till yesterday morning.


    So yesterday I went to the jacks and I could not believe my eyes. I strained and squeezed, and all that popped out was a tiny, perfectly formed jelly bean of chite. Never seen the like before but assumed it was just the hors d'oeuvres, so I squeezed again and out pops other little jelly bean of chite, then another, then another, each pretty much exactly like the one that went before it: very smooth, opaque, like a broad bean or polished gemstone.

    I was thinking to myself what would happen if I tossed one out the window, would I wake up the next morning with a giant beansprout leading off into the firmament, and if so would I climb the phucking thing to see what was at the top.

    Honestly, I didn't like this at all. I've never thought of myself as a pellet dropper, and the idea of my pink hoop opening and closing around these perfectly formed little bean shaped pebbles with smooth skins and rounded bodies is something I find a bit disturbing.

    I was hoping for a "bigger bang for my buck" as the Americans like to say, and certainly I felt that I was owed some "Brownie points" from the birthing of my river monster the day prior.

    Anyway I was having a shower yesterday evening and what do you know, one of these little brown beans is sitting there on the shower floor, staring up at me. Lucky I didn't slip and break my neck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Looks as though it could be useful for some...

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=110729660&postcount=7440


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    It's funny how life can throw you the odd 'curve ball' at you as the Americans like to say.

    As everyone in here will know, I gave birth to a real beauty earlier in the week. Twelve inches of thick, evenly distributed Irish beef that was still attached to my knot as its head touched down on the porcelain (don't forget I'm a stander), before sliding gracefully away towards his ancestoral home with not so much as a flush needed.

    Stunning sight to be fair. If I took my chite and attached it to the purse lips of any man in here they'd become a very proud father too.

    I'll admit I had a bit of a swagger that day in work, which carried through till yesterday morning.


    So yesterday I went to the jacks and I could not believe my eyes. I strained and squeezed, and all that popped out was a tiny, perfectly formed jelly bean of chite. Never seen the like before but assumed it was just the hors d'oeuvres, so I squeezed again and out pops other little jelly bean of chite, then another, then another, each pretty much exactly like the one that went before it: very smooth, opaque, like a broad bean or polished gemstone.

    I was thinking to myself what would happen if I tossed one out the window, would I wake up the next morning with a giant beansprout leading off into the firmament, and if so would I climb the phucking thing to see what was at the top.

    Honestly, I didn't like this at all. I've never thought of myself as a pellet dropper, and the idea of my pink hoop opening and closing around these perfectly formed little bean shaped pebbles with smooth skins and rounded bodies is something I find a bit disturbing.

    I was hoping for a "bigger bang for my buck" as the Americans like to say, and certainly I felt that I was owed some "Brownie points" from the birthing of my river monster the day prior.

    Anyway I was having a shower yesterday evening and what do you know, one of these little brown beans is sitting there on the shower floor, staring up at me. Lucky I didn't slip and break my neck.


    How did it get on the shower floor ?

    sharting in the shower ?


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,432 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    How did it get on the shower floor ?

    sharting in the shower ?

    Good questions, H.

    I’d be wondering what he “did” with it, would have to imagine he gave it the old “toe” down the drain.

    It’s the best method when dealing with anything of that “nature” on the shower floor. The “waffle stomp” only leads to a mess being made worse.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,810 ✭✭✭Hector Savage


    Good questions, H.

    I’d be wondering what he “did” with it, would have to imagine he gave it the old “toe” down the drain.

    It’s the best method when dealing with anything of that “nature” on the shower floor. The “waffle stomp” only leads to a mess being made worse.

    CHRISSSTTT!!!
    That reminds me.....
    Was living back in my student days with this hippy tosser - 4 of us house sharing.
    There used to be a stench in the shower, anyway we assumed it was just normal drain smell and didn't do anything about it.

    Then one day he let slip that for environmental reasons he didn't clean his hole with toilet paper ......
    we didn't have a beeday (sp??)
    So the c*nt was cleaning his hole in the shower and letting the chite go down the drain.

    Vile animal.


    WAFFLE STOMP !!! :D:D ::D :D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,753 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Lads I've been diagnosed in a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.
    I tackle the heavy stuff with an electric razor first so your down to stubble and then have at it nice and handy with disposable razors. Bit of cold water when and talc when dried. You won't know yourself


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,181 ✭✭✭✭Leg End Reject


    mfceiling wrote: »
    Lads I've been diagnosed with a hernia. Have to see a specialist in a few weeks.
    Going to require an operation "down there".

    What's the recommendation for taking the thatch off the twig and berries? Won't be arriving into hospital and letting some random porter have a field day with a pair of scissors and a blunt mach 3.
    Need to make sure that Fagan and the 2 Muldoons are like Kojak's head when it comes to scalpel time.

    Blow torch, douse your pubes with petrol first to ensure complete removal. Don't lift anything heavy after the surgery.


  • Registered Users Posts: 825 ✭✭✭westgolf


    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭fuerte1976


    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    There's an odd beour contributing to the upkeep of proper etiquette I think here too. Don't forget them...


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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,933 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    Just loosed a sour load of oily sludge into the club pan, in celebration.

    Bang of ‘blown’ mince off it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,890 ✭✭✭Bullocks


    fuerte1976 wrote: »
    westgolf wrote: »
    When this thread started I thought maybe  two or three pages, 50 posts or so and that was it.

    How wrong I was..!

    128 pages and still going strong.

    Gentlemen, guardians of the pewter, I salute you.

    There's an odd beour contributing to the upkeep of proper etiquette I think here too. Don't forget them...
    Beours poop aswell , we couldn't forget that


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,687 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975


    CHRISSSTTT!!!
    That reminds me.....
    Was living back in my student days with this hippy tosser - 4 of us house sharing.
    There used to be a stench in the shower, anyway we assumed it was just normal drain smell and didn't do anything about it.

    Then one day he let slip that for environmental reasons he didn't clean his hole with toilet paper ......
    we didn't have a beeday (sp??)
    So the c*nt was cleaning his hole in the shower and letting the chite go down the drain.

    Vile animal.


    WAFFLE STOMP !!! :D:D ::D :D:D

    Nowt vile about that.

    In certain circumstances it's the only viable option.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 818 ✭✭✭Hal3000


    Italian guy living with us, he forget to flush yesterday and left a tremendous baige colured crap on exhibition in the head for all to marvel at. An artist at work I say, but the girls didn't seem impressed. I suppose it's how you interpret it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,933 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Hal3000 wrote: »
    Italian guy living with us, he forget to flush yesterday and left a tremendous baige colured crap on exhibition in the head for all to marvel at. An artist at work I say, but the girls didn't seem impressed. I suppose it's how you interpret it.

    The spaghetti tends to do that to you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,432 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    The spaghetti tends to do that to you.

    I had spaghetti this evening, B. Really done a “number” on me too. Was getting these “airy” hot farts so knew something wasn’t right. I think eating that big bag of peanut M&Ms was a mistake.

    Started to get some “contractions” but chose to ignore them. When push came to shove I had to run. Got settled and was preparing for the worst when out “popped” a solid turd, this was followed by three or four small round ones. Sounded like tumbling peeled potatoes into a basin. After that it was pure, foul, water. Just gushing out. Followed by long rasping farts, think those sounds they play on science shows that are billed as “strange” signals from space.

    Was finally ready to start the clean up, wasn’t pretty but got the job done. Nicely covered up, what had turned into a newly formed “cow pat”, and up I got.

    As soon as I was upright a properly sharp cramp put me right back on my seat. Out blew a loud, shítty, fart that gave the bowl a nice new coating of “pebble dash”, the stack white toilet paper really made it “pop” and I was back wiping again.

    I will, most certainly, be “lining” the jocks before bed tonight. No risks. Not after that last “scatter” blast, at one point it actually sounded like it was hissing at me. Really not what you need just before heading up to bed, B. Really not.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,933 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Terrible experience indeed, but at least you were ‘clen out’.

    Cold moist teabag on the hoop in the morning brings some recovery both in less stinging and less winnitry.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,432 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Terrible experience indeed, but at least you were ‘clen out’.

    Cold moist teabag on the hoop in the morning brings some recovery both in less stinging and less winnitry.

    Could try it with a slice of cucumber next time.

    Well, my faith in life has been restored. I’m a new man. For obvious reasons I was on some tenterhooks about visiting “the loo”.

    Had some trouble “brewing” but held it on the clutch so I could watch Lowry win at the golf.

    Got in to the jacks, unloaded some perfect “specimens” and with minimal fuss was out the door.

    Feeling truly elated and “blessed” to be alive. Great way to see out the weekend and looking forward to whatever the week ahead has in store.

    Best of luck to everyone out there.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭tgdaly


    Could try it with a slice of cucumber next time.

    Well, my faith in life has been restored. I’m a new man. For obvious reasons I was on some tenterhooks about visiting “the loo”.

    Had some trouble “brewing” but held it on the clutch so I could watch Lowry win at the golf.

    Got in to the jacks, unloaded some perfect “specimens” and with minimal fuss was out the door.

    Feeling truly elated and “blessed” to be alive. Great way to see out the weekend and looking forward to whatever the week ahead has in store.

    Best of luck to everyone out there.

    Indeed, as a fellow Offaly man I have to say congratulations to Lowry on his win.

    There'll be some ****es dropped in Offaly tomorrow


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,660 ✭✭✭armaghlad


    tgdaly wrote: »
    Indeed, as a fellow Offaly man I have to say congratulations to Lowry on his win.

    There'll be some ****es dropped in Offaly tomorrow
    Big wet porter ones


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