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Single in 40's
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14-05-2019 11:39pm#1I'm in my forties and never had a relationship with opposite sex barring a few nightclub fumblings.
As friends got married and social circles changed over the years my social life has become non existent. I rarely go out now and it is quite stressful in the build up, although I usually enjoy myself when out. The thing is that I'm worried that I've left it too late to start trying to correct this and that marriage and family are out of reach for me. Even if things went well it would problably be mid forties before I would be married and then children - so looking like almost fifty for becoming a parent. It seems that the horse has bolted and I've left it too late.
Am I mad? I have got a nice house, good job and some savings but noone to share or pass it onto when I go. All my peers and cousins are married and with children and I am doing nothing.
I've got deep depression which I take medication and attend counselling, but the progress feels like one step forward and then three steps back. I know from reading other threads in here that kids and marriage does not equate to happiness. I dunno where my head is at at the minute.2
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Hi Op
my dad remarried at 60. Met a girl, fell in love, got married and was completely happy.
Its not too late, and its probably never too late.
Its hard enough to meet someone. by now your circle of friends has changed, and you would have to try to put yourself out there and widen that circle of friends. Meetups, volunteering, web-dating etc, would all be ways of widening that net.
but i get the sense your not sure that's what you want?0 -
If you're a man marriage and children are definitely not out of reach for you. All you have to do is put out the word with your friends and family that you are looking for a woman and you will be inundated with potential matches. Be sure to say you want children though because that would rule out women over a certain age. But even if you say you don't want to date anyone over 35 you will still get plenty of offers.
If you were female you would be in a far worse position, and possibly looking at a lifetime on your own. In that case I wouldn't blame you for being depressed. As a man you have no excuses for not meeting anyone and if you are between 40 and 50 you have a very good chance indeed of meeting someone to marry and have children with.0 -
If you were female you would be in a far worse position, and possibly looking at a lifetime on your own.
I think that's a little harsh! OP even if you are a woman and it turns out it's too late for children, it doesn't mean you're looking at a lifetime on your own. There are plenty of men out there who aren't interested in children or will already have had children with previous partners.0 -
I think that's a little harsh! OP even if you are a woman and it turns out it's too late for children, it doesn't mean you're looking at a lifetime on your own. There are plenty of men out there who aren't interested in children or will already have had children with previous partners.
I'll tell you what's harsh. The attitude of men in their 40s to women their own age. You can see it on many threads here. Even if a woman has had very bad luck on the dating scene and ends up alone after 40 she is blamed for her own bad luck and written off by a lot of men her own age.
Back on topic (we're here to help the OP) I think (and hope for their sake) that they are male. If so parenthood at 50 is not unrealistic and being male he would have a big advantage in the dating market. He says he doesn't have a social circle - unless he lives in a very rural area there should be meetup groups in his area he can join. Lastly as I said before, single males of a certain age are always in demand so if he puts out the word with his friends and family that he wants to meet a lady 35 and under he will be set up with loads of women.
If the OP is female I would advise her to broaden her circle of friends, get lots of hobbies and be open to a life without a partner and children. Not every woman who wants children gets to have them and likewise for a partner. A good circle of friends and enjoyable hobbies will help to alleviate the losses.0 -
If you're a man marriage and children are definitely not out of reach for you. All you have to do is put out the word with your friends and family that you are looking for a woman and you will be inundated with potential matches.
I don't think this is realistic, and I wouldn't get OP's hopes up like that.0 -
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I don't think this is realistic, and I wouldn't get OP's hopes up like that.
Good job, own house, mature view on life and all it entails..
Emme's spot on with this one. If he's serious in the intent to marry and start a family without any messing around, there are many, many women in their 30's who will quite rightly be ready to get a move on with him before time runs out for both parties.
Just because some women think it's no big deal, making excuses and trying to explain how it was some kind of choice and they're happy, there are more who will absolutely go with someone like the OP rather than end up making the same mumbles and explanotions later themselves. If you want a family, you have to act. Not watch Brigit Jones and order more catfood online.0 -
Just because some women think it's no big deal, making excuses and trying to explain how it was some kind of choice and they're happy, there are more who will absolutely go with someone like the OP rather than end up making the same mumbles and explanotions later themselves. If you want a family, you have to act. Not watch Brigit Jones and order more catfood online.
I'm a more than a little speechless reading that.
To be honest, OP, I would steer very clear of someone who hasn't formed any sort of romantic relationships by their forties and I'm not the only one. I would also be very concerned by your mental health and the fact that you are one step forwarding and three steps backwarding. It doesn't make for good relationship material and despite what JayZeus says most women wouldn't be offering themselves as brood mares. A house, good job and savings wouldn't sway it for me either even if I were desperate for children.
In my opinion you need to do more work on yourself and get out more. Start online dating and don't be looking for a relationship from the off. Coffee and a chat and more coffee and more chatting. Meet a wide variety of women and then think about what you do want from a relationship.
Be very wary of thinking that you need to have children or that they will solve lonliness problems. Going from years of having no ties or responsibilities to others to being owned by creatures that run you ragged and take up all your time if you're going to be a decent father can be quite a culture shock and if you've rushed into a relationship with someone in order to have children before you get too old it could end up a major disaster. Babies are 24/7 hard work.
Take your time. You'd do better getting yourself on a even keel mentally and enjoying what you do have and dating a bit rather than thinking that you will only feel fulfilled by having a partner and children. What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies or interests? Do you fancy taking anything up? What about volunteering. Travel?0 -
Im a single woman nearing 50. Ive had two very long relatiinships with no marriage or children.
The stereotype that all single women are Bridget Jones types wearing flour sack knickers who buy Whiskas and have whiskers is long gone.
When i was late 30's to early 40's, similar to OP, i felt i should get a partner and settle. I was forcing myself, wanting to want it, but the reality is, I didnt want a partner or children.
I love my job, my home, I travel a lot an am a support Volunteer. The only time I felt stress was when i was forcing myself to want something I didnt want.
Could I meet someone? Maybe, maybe not. Do I feel I need to alleviate losses? For me theres no losses. Im not focussing on who will get my house or money when I die.
OP needs to think does he want a marriage and children or want to want them, it's very different.0 -
People saying there are women in their 30s queueing up to get with men same age or older are deluded. As a single man in late 30s with good job own house etc it’s nigh impossible to meet women outside of dating apps, I don’t have any friends with any single women friends. I’ve been single a few years now and it’s not for want of trying, it’s just really bloody hard to meet someone where everything clicks and it passes many of us by in life. Or maybe as previous poster saysLastly as I said before, single males of a certain age are always in demand so if he puts out the word with his friends and family that he wants to meet a lady 35 and under he will be set up with loads of women.
What planet do you live on? I have never read a more ridiculous thing on boards.0 -
Thelonious Monk wrote: »People saying there are women in their 30s queueing up to get with men same age or older are deluded. As a single man in late 30s with good job own house etc it’s nigh impossible to meet women outside of dating apps, I don’t have any friends with any single women friends. I’ve been single a few years now and it’s not for want of trying, it’s just really bloody hard to meet someone where everything clicks and it passes many of us by in life. Or maybe as previous poster says
What planet do you live on? I have never read a more ridiculous thing on boards.
Are you in Dublin? It might be different outside the capital but there are far more single women in their 30s in Dublin than men.
I find it hard to believe that none of your friends now any single women, do their wives, girlfriends have any single friends?
What about where you work? Any single women? Their friends?
Sports etc. It is nearly impossible not to find single women in Dublin? Where do you go out? Socialise? What hobbies etc?0 -
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Yes in Dublin. Hobbies are mostly playing music but I don’t meet women through that. All attractive women at work are married. This isn’t my thread and I’m not complaining but I’m just saying it’s equally or even harder for men to meet women!0
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There are meetups in Dublin for people who like music. Jazz, metal, trad, there are music meetups for all genres. They all have female members.Thelonious Monk wrote: »Yes in Dublin. Hobbies are mostly playing music but I don’t meet women through that. All attractive women at work are married. This isn’t my thread and I’m not complaining but I’m just saying it’s equally or even harder for men to meet women!0 -
Mod note:
Posters are kindly reminded to address replies to the OP. Generalisation with regards to gender is unhelpful and should be avoided as far as possible.
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There are meetups in Dublin for people who like music. Jazz, metal, trad, there are music meetups for all genres. They all have female members.
I don’t play music to meet women or want to go to bloody meet up meetings. I’m just saying the chances of meeting someone randomly have slimmed down big time for me, was different even 5 or 6 years ago.
Anyway OP there are plenty of single women your age ane tbh you’re hardly going to have a family at this stage much like myself but life can still be good. The best advice I can give is try and be the best version of yourself and do new things and keep at the online dating, most people meet that way nowadays.0 -
If you're happy single that's fine but there are plenty of options there if you want to meet someone.Thelonious Monk wrote: »I don’t play music to meet women or want to go to bloody meet up meetings. I’m just saying the chances of meeting someone randomly have slimmed down big time for me, was different even 5 or 6 years ago.
I thought that the OP wanted to have children. Many men father their first child in their late 40s and even 50s. If the OP is male he still has plenty of time, it's his choice.Thelonious Monk wrote: »Anyway OP there are plenty of single women your age ane tbh you’re hardly going to have a family at this stage much like myself but life can still be good. The best advice I can give is try and be the best version of yourself and do new things and keep at the online dating, most people meet that way nowadays.0 -
If you don't move outside your circle or comfort zone the chances of you randomly meeting someone you like are very small.
But if you put yourself our there and widen your circle the chances increase massively.
My recommendations would be to
1.) try a new physical activity, preferably a group one . It will get the endorphins flowing and you will reap physical and mental gains.
2.) try learning a new language, having the ability or even willingness to try another language will open your circle across borders and you will meet people, who's paths you will never have crossed from different backgrounds.
3.) Following from above, travel. Even if its traveling alone. You can use trips to practice your language skills , see new places and meet new people. It will free your mind and open your horizons.
4.) try some new creative classes. Be it painting or dancing, having interests makes it easier to meet people, you meet people with similar interests and everyone is impressed by someone who can dance.
Good luck!0 -
OP here. First of all, apologies for the lateness of replying to this thread.Xterminator wrote: »Its hard enough to meet someone. by now your circle of friends has changed, and you would have to try to put yourself out there and widen that circle of friends. Meetups, volunteering, web-dating etc, would all be ways of widening that net.
but i get the sense your not sure that's what you want?
Well, I've had no real experience of that. Web-dating scares me and I find it quite intimidating. I've tried cookery, languages, night classes and suchlike, but I have never found anyone wanting to make friends. What I do find is people either interested in the subject matter and/or escaping from family/work/etc.If you're a man marriage and children are definitely not out of reach for you. All you have to do is put out the word with your friends and family that you are looking for a woman and you will be inundated with potential matches.
As a man you have no excuses for not meeting anyone and if you are between 40 and 50 you have a very good chance indeed of meeting someone to marry and have children with.
Sounds like desperate women wanting a baby regardless of the partner - doesn't sound very stable and does worry me.I think (and hope for their sake) that they are male. If so parenthood at 50 is not unrealistic and being male he would have a big advantage in the dating market. He says he doesn't have a social circle - unless he lives in a very rural area there should be meetup groups in his area he can join. Lastly as I said before, single males of a certain age are always in demand so if he puts out the word with his friends and family that he wants to meet a lady 35 and under he will be set up with loads of women.
I would not want to be a new father at 50. That seems way too old. Yes, I've not got a social circle now. My friends are now all married with children and we rarely, if ever meet up.
Back when we all went out I was too backward to chat to females. I tried once or twice and got blanked, one turned her back on me (I wasn't drunk). I just have not chitchat and no confidence and would rather sit back than take a risk.Emme's spot on with this one. If he's serious in the intent to marry and start a family without any messing around, there are many, many women in their 30's who will quite rightly be ready to get a move on with him before time runs out for both parties.
I think I'm serious. I've not had much experience with the opposite sex, so I really can't answer that question. The one thing is that I've lived alone now for so long that living with someone and having to consider someone else will be a monumental change to my lifestyle. It's not that I'd have to forego much, because as I' said previously - I've got no social life as such. It is just that it will be a massive change in my life before adding in children.up for anything wrote: »To be honest, OP, I would steer very clear of someone who hasn't formed any sort of romantic relationships by their forties and I'm not the only one.
That is a very valid point and you are correct to raise it. It is something that concerns me too. I just don't know how I'd react to it not having had one before. I have to start somewhere. There is nothing wrong with me and no need for people to stay clear from me - I'm not a monster.I would also be very concerned by your mental health and the fact that you are one step forwarding and three steps backwarding. It doesn't make for good relationship material and despite what JayZeus says most women wouldn't be offering themselves as brood mares. A house, good job and savings wouldn't sway it for me either even if I were desperate for children.
And neither would I want a person like that in my life. You seem to think that all I'm looking for someone to have children with and nothing else.In my opinion you need to do more work on yourself and get out more. Start online dating and don't be looking for a relationship from the off. Coffee and a chat and more coffee and more chatting. Meet a wide variety of women and then think about what you do want from a relationship.
Yes, this is what I've been told to do by my counsellor, but I'm wary of online dating as I've never tried it before. My fear of failure and doing something different is holding me back.Be very wary of thinking that you need to have children or that they will solve lonliness problems. Going from years of having no ties or responsibilities to others to being owned by creatures that run you ragged and take up all your time if you're going to be a decent father can be quite a culture shock and if you've rushed into a relationship with someone in order to have children before you get too old it could end up a major disaster. Babies are 24/7 hard work.
Yes, this is what I believe too. The point of my OP was to alleviate fears that it is too late. I know from looking at my friends online postings that it is a lot of effort and expense. I'm not under any illusion that being a parent is straightforward.Take your time. You'd do better getting yourself on a even keel mentally and enjoying what you do have and dating a bit rather than thinking that you will only feel fulfilled by having a partner and children. What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any hobbies or interests? Do you fancy taking anything up? What about volunteering. Travel?
I've missed all the formative years of early adulthood - dating, finding out likes and dislikes and making memories.. I don't want to rush into anything, but that means that taking your time minimises the window for family - if I decide upon it further down the line. It would mean that in all likelihood an increased age gap between me and a potential partner which would in itself increase the risk of separation - before adding in the stress of children.cannotlogin wrote: »I find it hard to believe that none of your friends now any single women, do their wives, girlfriends have any single friends?
What about where you work? Any single women? Their friends?
Sports etc. It is nearly impossible not to find single women in Dublin? Where do you go out? Socialise? What hobbies etc?
No. It is not talked about. None mentions it and I don't want the pressure of dating one of their friends. I'd rather 'learn'/make my mistakes in private.
I don't really socialise now. I just go to gym and movies alone. I don't play any sports and I've no hobbies that either interest me or that I would like to pursue.MartyMcFly84 wrote: »If you don't move outside your circle or comfort zone the chances of you randomly meeting someone you like are very small.
Yes, this is where I'm at at the minute. Trying to engage with life, but not getting started.1.) try a new physical activity, preferably a group one . It will get the endorphins flowing and you will reap physical and mental gains.
2.) try learning a new language, having the ability or even willingness to try another language will open your circle across borders and you will meet people, who's paths you will never have crossed from different backgrounds.
3.) Following from above, travel. Even if its traveling alone. You can use trips to practice your language skills , see new places and meet new people. It will free your mind and open your horizons.
4.) try some new creative classes. Be it painting or dancing, having interests makes it easier to meet people, you meet people with similar interests and everyone is impressed by someone who can dance.
Telling me to try new things is honestly a waste of time at the minute. My counsellor keeps telling me this, but I'm paralysed when it comes do doing something about it. Instead I keep doing the same things over and over and be despondent as to why nothing changes.0 -
No. It is not talked about. None mentions it and I don't want the pressure of dating one of their friends. I'd rather 'learn'/make my mistakes in private.
Fair enough. However please take into account the fact that a lot of people meet partners through friends. It's one of the best ways because friends can screen out people who might be bad for you.I don't really socialise now. I just go to gym and movies alone. I don't play any sports and I've no hobbies that either interest me or that I would like to pursue.
Do you mean you aren't interested in hobbies or you haven't yet pursued hobbies you might be interested in?Telling me to try new things is honestly a waste of time at the minute. My counsellor keeps telling me this, but I'm paralysed when it comes do doing something about it. Instead I keep doing the same things over and over and be despondent as to why nothing changes.
Your counsellor is right. If you keep doing the same things over and over again you will keep getting the same results over and over again.
You have to be willing to help yourself and risk making some changes in your life. Otherwise nothing will change.
Perhaps I misunderstood your original post as regards children. You are the one who mentioned that you would be an older father the way things are going. Many men father their first child at 50. I thought you wanted children. If you don't want them that's fine, it's your choice.0 -
OP, I really do feel for you reading your posts. You seem paralysed by fear, fear of the unknown. Could you do some reading around the topic that might help you, in addition to the counselling etc? Some books can be very empowering and inspiring and might help you move forward.
In terms of dating, I do think your best option is online dating (OD). Approaching people in person will be intimidating and you don't have many opportunities for that if you are not socialising much. Dating in your own pool (familiy/friends) can cause its own problems and I can respect the privacy with which you want to engage in dating, virtually for the first time. Online dating can appear terrifying but you can control it to a large extent. Ease yourself in gently - register on one or more sites and just look at profiles so you know what's out there, until you are ready to jump in and make contact.
The fact is that you will be initiating most of the contact yourself, rather than responding to messages from others unless you are some almightly adonis:) Be brave:) It's the way it is with OD. Females seem to have more options.
It's imperative that you engage with the right mindset - don't be too sensitive. Approached with the right mindset, it can be the best craic. You're not looking for a life partner - too much pressure on you and others. It's about having fun, meeting people with a view to dating. Do not take rudeness, abruptness or being ignored personally. It really is nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. The most confident and beautiful people still have to deal with that side of OD.
Put enough information in your profile, without over sharing, so you have a better chance of attracting a like minded individual. Do your best to give a good reflection of yourself. If you like reading, mention favourite books. If you like music and cinema, mention favourite bands, films etc. If you have a good sense of humour, mention it and be funny. Travelling - mention favourite places you have been or want to see - I'm sure you get the idea. Reading other (good) profiles will give you an idea of what to mention. If you are the shy and retiring type, then mention it too, without being negative. Be positive. Whinging and moaning about ones plight is very unattractive and there is a lot of that on there too:) There is no doubt that there will be many people similar to yourself on there i.e not terribly experienced and intimidated by the whole process. Be strategic with the limits you set in terms of age, geography etc. You can chat to people as long as you like before you meet so you can make sure you are on the same page and not under undue pressure.
This will not suit everyone you chat to but they will more than likely make that clear on their profiles (I'm not here for a pen pal) or early in their conversation and you can move on. My experience is that people tend to like to chat a fair amount in advance. Some that might not suit you, or you them dating-wise might become friends - it does happen, which is still a win for you.
It seems scary and intimidating, but I do think it's your best option for the life you seem to want. You could have a date every night of the week if you want, when you get into it, subject to having the right mindset. I don't mention that by way of encouraging you to be a player - simply for practising your social skills!
Best of luck to you:) S0 -
In terms of online dating.
My mother lives in Waterford and is 63, she just recently met someone through online in Dublin of a similar age and the seem incredibly into each other. A little bit sickening really
However she would never had met this person had she not tired online dating. She got divorced in her mid to late 50s. So similarly her circle of friends were in very different positions and life stages than her. Either long term marriages or recently widowed etc.
She started adding new people into her mix who wanted to go out or were from different countries with different attitudes and tried online dating with some trial and error and there you go!
Dont measure yourself against your old friends who are in different life stages. Its not comparing like with like. Dont think about it as age, more of a life stages which change through circumstance. You are still in the single bachelor stage regardless of your age.0 -
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OP back again. Thanks for the replies.
Yes. I realise that. However it was tried before and didn't work out. We texted, but nothing happened.Fair enough. However please take into account the fact that a lot of people meet partners through friends. It's one of the best ways because friends can screen out people who might be bad for you.
The latter. Nothing seems to interest me. I like going to the gym, and would go 4 times a week.Do you mean you aren't interested in hobbies or you haven't yet pursued hobbies you might be interested in?
I've started going back to the cinema, but that is on my own, although it does get me out of the apartment.
It scares me. It is much easier to sit in here and surf, watch TV, etc. I seem to dislike change and the fear of trying new things.You have to be willing to help yourself and risk making some changes in your life. Otherwise nothing will change.
I've not socialised in a long time now, apart from work events, I only go out about 3-4 times per year.
It's not that I do or don't want children, its just that I've a long road ahead of me and I'm not sure if I can complete the journey in a timeframe which would have parenthood as a viable and realistic option.Perhaps I misunderstood your original post as regards children. You are the one who mentioned that you would be an older father the way things are going. Many men father their first child at 50. I thought you wanted children. If you don't want them that's fine, it's your choice.
I'd read the book and do nothing. I'm attending weekly counselling sessions, but we always seem to hit the buffer when I need to get out and do something. I just can't get beyond this impasse.IHeartShoes wrote: »OP, I really do feel for you reading your posts. You seem paralysed by fear, fear of the unknown. Could you do some reading around the topic that might help you, in addition to the counselling etc? Some books can be very empowering and inspiring and might help you move forward.
I've read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, which was recommended to me. It made absolutely no difference. Although, when I go back home, I'll see if I can dig it out for a re-read. Maybe now that my head is in a better place something might click.
I'm embarrassed about OD. It seems like such a failure and an indication that there is something wrong with you.In terms of dating, I do think your best option is online dating (OD). Approaching people in person will be intimidating and you don't have many opportunities for that if you are not socialising much.
I know this is incorrect and not a good way to thing about it. It is also now how a lot of people meet and the stigma is gone as most young people are meeting this way. However, for me, I'd be embarrassed to say I met someone online or was doing OD.
After being on the outside for most of my life for various reasons, I just want to be normal.
Thanks. I don't think I'm ready for a full blown relationship, and I've lots of mistakes to make and to learn from, so I'd rather avoid friends etc - although TBH I don't see my friends very much now.Dating in your own pool (familiy/friends) can cause its own problems and I can respect the privacy with which you want to engage in dating, virtually for the first time.
I have dislikes about how I look and hate looking at photos of myself. Apart from at a wedding, I've not had my photo taken in years. So I've nothing to put on a OD advert. I've not really taken any selfies either - just doesn't appeal to me.Online dating can appear terrifying but you can control it to a large extent. Ease yourself in gently - register on one or more sites and just look at profiles so you know what's out there, until you are ready to jump in and make contact.
I dislike how it is all based on looks. Noone really puts up much of a profile so it is hard to guess what people are really like. I am aware that I might miss out on someone suitable due to their profile not being quite worded right, or some odd thing that irks me in the profile.The fact is that you will be initiating most of the contact yourself, rather than responding to messages from others unless you are some almightly adonis:) Be brave:) It's the way it is with OD. Females seem to have more options.
Also, I'm not sure what my 'level' is.
TBH - it all seems like a big effort and I am great at procrastination.
I know you are right - and my counsellor keeps telling me this too. But I cannot do it. The fear makes me avoid it. I'm not sure what I'm scared of - possibly it is that women intimidate me and I don't trust them. I don't know.It seems scary and intimidating, but I do think it's your best option for the life you seem to want. You could have a date every night of the week if you want, when you get into it, subject to having the right mindset. I don't mention that by way of encouraging you to be a player - simply for practising your social skills!
There are women that I meet in my daily life - work, gym, shop etc that I know and chat to. Some of which I'm attracted to, but with those online, I just can't envisage myself feeling the same way.
This is not a dispersion on those doing OD - I am well aware that I'm more messed up than 98% of those on there.
Thanks.Best of luck to you:) S
It is difficult not to compare yourself to your peers and in doing that when it is obvious that you have shortcomings, it does affect the mind and spirit.MartyMcFly84 wrote: »Dont measure yourself against your old friends who are in different life stages. Its not comparing like with like. Don't think about it as age, more of a life stages which change through circumstance. You are still in the single bachelor stage regardless of your age.
I have made my life much harder for myself than it needed to be. It feels like now coming onto the final lap that there is too much to do to catch up with the other runners and riders in the race.0 -
OP I met my now wife through online dating when i was in my very late 30s.
I have several friends who did the same as, past s certain age, your social live and opportunity to meet someone naturally dwindles.
There is nothing failure about it as you will see from the thousands of people doing it.
Just be prepared for rejection and some cut throatness as it can be like a teenage disco.
It works though.0 -
It is difficult not to compare yourself to your peers and in doing that when it is obvious that you have shortcomings, it does affect the mind and spirit.
I have made my life much harder for myself than it needed to be. It feels like now coming onto the final lap that there is too much to do to catch up with the other runners and riders in the race.
Everyone feels like this. You just need to try it.
The worst that can happen is nothing.0 -
It scares me. It is much easier to sit in here and surf, watch TV, etc. I seem to dislike change and the fear of trying new things.
Yes it is much easier, but if you want a different outcome, then you know that you have to face that fear.
I would recommend CBT for this - did your counselor mention this? It works by exposing you to your fear a bit at a time, so you are not thrown in at the deep end, so to speak.
It might look like this - start small talk with 3 people (or women if you like) this week. Then next week it might be to volunteer for a couple of hours somewhere, the following week, it might be to go out to one new event and chat to 2 people. Then it might eventually work up to asking someone out.
That way it won’t seem as this big ‘Just face your Fear’ thing - it is broken down into manageable steps that increasingly get that little bit harder as you go, but it’s manageable.
Also if you’re in a situation and if you feel fearful, stay with the fear for about 1 hour - it usually peaks and then subsides. And it turns out to be not that scary - you realize the situation can be handled.
Lots of people don’t like change but it is a part of life and you grow as a person when you go through change. I hope that doesn’t come across as preachy. Change is a given, no matter what stage of life you’re in, so it’s best to go with it than resist it. You will feel better about yourself if you push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Also OP are you an introvert or an extrovert? I would take a guess you’re an introvert- it’s a lot harder to put yourself out there, be social, etc when you’re an introvert, so go easy on yourself, but don’t use it as an excuse either.
Take baby steps, but do definitely do something.
I find a lot of excuses in your posts as to why you don’t want to do something but the reality is something needs to change or otherwise you’ll be back on here in 12 months with the same dilemma.
So look into CBT and invest in yourself. Tell yourself by doing this, you’re making a big change in your life. It will be tricky, it might be hard, but you will be creating a better life for yourself.
Also look at some positive TED talks and follow some motivational speakers/blogs/podcasts.
Get a fire burning in you that you want to change and think positive about it. Stop making excuses and start making opportunities for yourself.0 -
As a man you have no excuses for not meeting anyone and if you are between 40 and 50 you have a very good chance indeed of meeting someone to marry and have children with.
This is nonsense, there's loads of heterosexual men who never find anyone because of lack of confidence, shyness, being physically unattractive or a combo of all three. Lest we forget in this day and age lack of money as well.0 -
Stop what you are doing, all this fret and concern.
Start accepting how things ARE fully.
Accept you are shy, accept you are depressed, accept you are a social oddball, accept you are not confident about your looks, even accept you might not be attractive. Accept that you have no partner, accept that you have no experience, accept that you may be making a life on your own. Accept fully that you are too scared to attempt a different life. Accept everything the way it is.
Be cheerful and stoic in your acceptance. Be content. Enjoy your work. Have fun at the gym, go more often if you want. Love going to the movies on your own (one of my favourite things to do). Whatever it is you are doing now, surfing online, cooking your dinner, reading etc. just really enjoy it and let go of all the fret, guilt, wanting things to be other than how reality is.
Give it a year before you review . This year just happily accept. Drop all the mental weight, the what ifs, the hopes, fears and wondering. Let it all drop now. No other plans. Happy. And accept. That's all.
All the best.0 -
Apologies op, I hope I'm not over stepping the mark here, but you re showing classic signs of autism. I've had similar experiences as yourself and was recently diagnosed with aspergers. just be aware, some mental health professionals poorly understand this, so its important to find the right help. consider getting assessed, but be aware, public services are almost none existent for adults, including assessments, so you ll probably have to go private, as I did. I'd recommend the work of clinical psychologist tony attwood for further information, if any of his work resonates with you, consider the above0
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This is nonsense, there's loads of heterosexual men who never find anyone because of lack of confidence, shyness, being physically unattractive or a combo of all three. Lest we forget in this day and age lack of money as well.
This is a personal query and relates to the OP. The OP has already said he has a home, good job and savings, so lack of money is not relevant.0 -
Mod note:
A number of posts have been deleted as they went off into off topic discussion which had nothing to do with the OP or their issue. Please ensure that you have constructive advice for the OP when you post.
Thanks0 -
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There is nothing failure about it as you will see from the thousands of people doing it.
Just be prepared for rejection and some cut throatness as it can be like a teenage disco.
It works though.
I don't know if I am cut out for the focus on appearance that the online dating seems to have. I don't photograph well.Wanderer78 wrote: »Apologies op, I hope I'm not over stepping the mark here, but you re showing classic signs of autism. I've had similar experiences as yourself and was recently diagnosed with aspergers. just be aware, some mental health professionals poorly understand this, so its important to find the right help. consider getting assessed, but be aware, public services are almost none existent for adults, including assessments, so you ll probably have to go private, as I did. I'd recommend the work of clinical psychologist tony attwood for further information, if any of his work resonates with you, consider the above
I had mentioned this to my consellor and they said I do not have autism. They relate it more to my relationship with my father.Stop what you are doing, all this fret and concern.
Start accepting how things ARE fully.
Accept you are shy, accept you are depressed, accept you are a social oddball, accept you are not confident about your looks, even accept you might not be attractive. Accept that you have no partner, accept that you have no experience, accept that you may be making a life on your own. Accept fully that you are too scared to attempt a different life. Accept everything the way it is.
I'm lonely and I've no social life. I'm half way through my life with nothing to show for it emotionally. Just work.Be cheerful and stoic in your acceptance. Be content. Enjoy your work. Have fun at the gym, go more often if you want. Love going to the movies on your own (one of my favourite things to do). Whatever it is you are doing now, surfing online, cooking your dinner, reading etc. just really enjoy it and let go of all the fret, guilt, wanting things to be other than how reality is.
Give it a year before you review . This year just happily accept. Drop all the mental weight, the what ifs, the hopes, fears and wondering. Let it all drop now. No other plans. Happy. And accept. That's all.
All the best.
I can't and don't want to fake it any more. I struggle to be cheerful. I'm on AD and weekly counselling sessions.milli milli wrote: »Yes it is much easier, but if you want a different outcome, then you know that you have to face that fear.
I would recommend CBT for this - did your counselor mention this? It works by exposing you to your fear a bit at a time, so you are not thrown in at the deep end, so to speak.
It might look like this - start small talk with 3 people (or women if you like) this week. Then next week it might be to volunteer for a couple of hours somewhere, the following week, it might be to go out to one new event and chat to 2 people. Then it might eventually work up to asking someone out.
I've been to CBT in the past with even less success. They recommended psychoanalysis for me instead.Also OP are you an introvert or an extrovert? I would take a guess you’re an introvert- it’s a lot harder to put yourself out there, be social, etc when you’re an introvert, so go easy on yourself, but don’t use it as an excuse either.
I would not consider myself to be either. I see myself as middle of the road. I get on well withe people at work etc. But socially in a pub or club I clam up (or did when I went to those places). These days I go nowhere as my circle has diminished to nothing and with the combination of older age it is hitting home.0
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