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Can I just forget?

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  • 19-05-2019 5:02pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all, I have a profile but want to go anon for this.

    I'll just dive in. I'm 37 male and when I was about 7 or so, my older brother used to make us play "the game".

    This was kissing and rubbing naked. He's 3 years older than me. So I've told a couple of friends and they think I should bring it out in the open. I'd like to say it hasn't affected me over the years but it has.....I'm attracted to both guys and girls and for a long time put it down to some sort of consequence of what happened that I like guys. I've dont think theyre connected but as I was so young I'll never know for certain.
    I've recently "came out" to these couple of friends and told them the whole story as its really the reason it's taken me So Long to figure things out.
    I dont know why, but its been in my mind a lot lately, maybe with having talked about it.....I've next to no relationship with my brother. As a family we're relatively close...and they think the sun shines out of his backside, it has always really annoyed me when they do nothing but praise him for being so successful etc. But I know It would rip the family apart if I told the rest of them....6 brother and sisters.
    I remember one night my mam (rip) and my older sister who would have been about 15/16 We're obviously listening at the door one night and bust in in the middle of it to stop it, I'm not really sure if they knew exactly what was happening. We shared a bed At that stage so was easy enough to hide. It wasnt a one off, went on for at least a year.
    I guess what I'm asking is should I try and forgive him and try to build a normal realtionship with him like I do the rest of my family......at end of the day he was only a child himself.
    Any advice?


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,893 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Jesus OP.
    Go and get counselling, please. This was so not your fault, but how could it not have affected you? He was a child but still - I don't know, he wasn't that much of a child.
    I notice it you, the victim, trying to forgive. He's not doing anything I presume.
    I really think you should talk to someone about this.I don't know if it has anything to do with whether you like men or women, or whether that really matters to you, but you shouldn't be trying to "forgive" someone for this....


  • Options
    #3
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I'd largely agree with the above. You really need to get counselling over this in order to come to terms with how you feel about it.

    You were both children. Obviously as he was the older one, if there's any culpability it lies with him, and what he did was not okay. But he was a child also. So-called "sexual play" is not that uncommon and many children do experiment inappropriately, though what happened to you is obviously a more pro-longed version of that. I'm not dismissing how you feel or how you feel about your brother, or what happened, not for one second. I think this is one of those things that needs to be approached objectively and a counsellor is by far the best person to help you do that - and in fairness to you, you do seem to be able to view it pretty objectively already. Fair play to you.

    I would wonder about why it is pre-occupying you only now, though. Is it that you want to reach out to him because you've been thinking about what happened, or are you thinking about what happened more often because you want to build a relationship with your brother, and you feel this is a barrier?

    I think you should speak to a counsellor before doing anything else. Like you're wondering if you should try to let it go and build a relationship with him, even though you are still very obviously confused and conflicted about the effect it has had on you and how you actually feel about your brother. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to do that at some stage - as you acknowledge yourself, you were both just children - but I think you need to figure out how you feel about this first, before doing anything else.


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