split after 20 years, living under the same roof

LegacyUser · 24-05-2019 2:56pm #1

Hi my partner and I have split after 20 years together. We have two kids 1 is a teenager. We don't fight with each other but it's been coming for a long time. She want's us to co-parent and live under the same roof whilst being friends as neither of us has the means to move out. She want's us to remain as a family. My question is has anyone had experience of this? Can it work?

Locker10a · 24-05-2019 6:08pm

I know many people in this situation. Many of my friends parents lived like this for years in separate rooms

Payton · 24-05-2019 6:13pm

split 2019 wrote: »

Hi my partner and I have split after 20 years together. We have two kids 1 is a teenager. We don't fight with each other but it's been coming for a long time. She want's us to co-parent and live under the same roof whilst being friends as neither of us has the means to move out. She want's us to remain as a family. My question is has anyone had experience of this? Can it work?

There is a lot of what she wants in your post. What do you want, where do you see yourself in a couple of years?

LegacyUser · 24-05-2019 6:41pm

Payton wrote: »

There is a lot of what she wants in your post. What do you want, where do you see yourself in a couple of years?

I see that, but the other options are nasty if we decided to be evil to each other. We're still friends, I did say that if she meets someone I'll be gutted and she said same. She just wants to keep the family together and be friends.

Basically go on as before without the emotional connection.

Tiddlypeeps · 24-05-2019 7:08pm

If everything is amicable then it could work well for a while. Where it's most likely to break down is if/when either of you start seeing other people. You both really need to sit down and discuss what your boundaries and potential ground rules would be, for both this scenario and in general. It would require you both to be completely honest with each other and yourselves. If you aren't both completely satisfied with the outcome of that conversation then you are better off finding a way to separate your living arrangements as it will eventually turn an amicable relationship sour and with kids involved that is not ideal.

wiggle16 · 24-05-2019 10:43pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

I see that, but the other options are nasty if we decided to be evil to each other. We're still friends, I did say that if she meets someone I'll be gutted and she said same. She just wants to keep the family together and be friends.

Basically go on as before without the emotional connection.

You still haven't actually said what you want to happen. Either way you're not sure about this proposed arrangement, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.
You said this was a long time coming. Who got the ball rolling with splitting up?

Whether or not it will work, or can be made to work, is one thing. Whether you should try to make it work at all is another. Myself I think you are better off trying to get your ducks in a row for one of you to move while things are still amicable between you. If it turns sour it will probably stay that way, even after one of you leaves.

What do you actually want, yourself, for yourself?

Payton · 25-05-2019 12:31am

Split 2019 wrote: »

I see that, but the other options are nasty if we decided to be evil to each other. We're still friends, I did say that if she meets someone I'll be gutted and she said same. She just wants to keep the family together and be friends.

Basically go on as before without the emotional connection.

Honestly that's not living. So for the rest of your life you want to plod along in life passing each other on the landing or in the kitchen or worst case scenario she brings her new partner home or constantly on the phone talking or texting her new chap.
Believe it or not your children will be aware of what is going on between both of you. You don't say how old you are but you both intend on staying single in case the other person is gutted?
If she doesn't love you or visa versa you need to do something for your own wellbeing and move on, you can always be in your children's lives and get on with your wife but as single people.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 9:11am

Payton wrote: »

Honestly that's not living. So for the rest of your life you want to plod along in life passing each other on the landing or in the kitchen or worst case scenario she brings her new partner home or constantly on the phone talking or texting her new chap.
Believe it or not your children will be aware of what is going on between both of you. You don't say how old you are but you both intend on staying single in case the other person is gutted?
If she doesn't love you or visa versa you need to do something for your own wellbeing and move on, you can always be in your children's lives and get on with your wife but as single people.

Yeah I'm 40, she's younger. I did say to her that if she meets someone what then? Or if I do? It's a bit of a mindfcuk. She hadn't an answer. Neither of us has the ability to move, it's just not possible to pay a mortgage and rent aswell. She said she would never bring someone back and disrupt the family and mess with the kids heads like that.

I'm currently living in the spare room writing this and I know there will be a time she'll meet someone and it'll go downhill from there

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 9:19am

wiggle16 wrote: »

You still haven't actually said what you want to happen. Either way you're not sure about this proposed arrangement, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.
You said this was a long time coming. Who got the ball rolling with splitting up?

Whether or not it will work, or can be made to work, is one thing. Whether you should try to make it work at all is another. Myself I think you are better off trying to get your ducks in a row for one of you to move while things are still amicable between you. If it turns sour it will probably stay that way, even after one of you leaves.

What do you actually want, yourself, for yourself?

Ideally I'd like to stay together because I do love her, but we've had our ups and downs like any couple. My hope is that she will eventually want us to try again in a year or so. We were young when we got together and rushed into a things. I think she wants to live her youth, which is my fear, the thought of her with other people churns my stomach. She's very good looking

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 10:04am

What happens if you meet someone else? Do you think a potential new partner will be ok with the set up? I certainly wouldn't believe a guy who told me the marriage is over yet they still live together...kind of sounds like a ****e line used by cheaters

BuboBubo · 25-05-2019 12:25pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

Yeah I'm 40, she's younger. I did say to her that if she meets someone what then? Or if I do? It's a bit of a mindfcuk. She hadn't an answer. Neither of us has the ability to move, it's just not possible to pay a mortgage and rent aswell. She said she would never bring someone back and disrupt the family and mess with the kids heads like that.

I'm currently living in the spare room writing this and I know there will be a time she'll meet someone and it'll go downhill from there

You're 40, together 20 years - she can't be much younger than you...

Talk to a solicitor, you can't live like this forever.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 1:01pm

BuboBubo wrote: »

You're 40, together 20 years - she can't be much younger than you...

Talk to a solicitor, you can't live like this forever.

From talking to friends about it, once you start bringing the legal eagles into it, it generally gets nasty very quickly

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 1:49pm

Doodaaa wrote: »

What happens if you meet someone else? Do you think a potential new partner will be ok with the set up? I certainly wouldn't believe a guy who told me the marriage is over yet they still live together...kind of sounds like a ****e line used by cheaters

It does doesn't it. But it is what it is....I hope it doesn't get nasty. We were very good friends before we got together, she wants to go back to that and seems to think it can work. We know a couple living like this for the last 10 years and it seems to work for them.

wiggle16 · 25-05-2019 2:12pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

Ideally I'd like to stay together because I do love her, but we've had our ups and downs like any couple. My hope is that she will eventually want us to try again in a year or so. We were young when we got together and rushed into a things. I think she wants to live her youth, which is my fear, the thought of her with other people churns my stomach. She's very good looking

Then you're not staying because you think this is a good way to co-parent for the sake of your kids and to keep the family unit as is. You are staying in the hopes she will change her mind.

That won't happen and it is the wrong reason to stay in an arrangement like this. Think about it - why would things change, if they remain the same? You've agreed to split up. You're only trying to come on board with this because you're hoping it will right itself after a while. It won't happen.

I have every sympathy for you, you are in a very difficult position, but you need to realise that this would be a very foolish thing to do, and fair on no one. You really need to look at getting your ducks in a row and one of you moving out. Or tell her that you do not want to split, you still love her and this isn't what you want. Because it isn't.

wiggle16 · 25-05-2019 2:18pm

And what happens if she meets someone? Not just "how will you feel", but what will actually happen? How on Earth would you handle that? You're clearly still in love with her. You need to tell her how you really feel OP, like how you really really feel, because to me it sounds like you haven't, otherwise she would not have suggested this arrangement.

If she does know how you feel and she still suggested this... I don't know. Doesn't sound like the suggestion of someone who cares about you or your feelings all that much.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 2:24pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

And what happens if she meets someone? Not just "how will you feel", but what will actually happen? How on Earth would you handle that? You're clearly still in love with her. You need to tell her how you really feel OP, like how you really really feel, because to me it sounds like you haven't, otherwise she would not have suggested this arrangement.

If she does know how you feel and she still suggested this... I don't know. Doesn't sound like the suggestion of someone who cares about you or your feelings all that much.

It doesn't does it, I'm dreading the future and all the pain that goes with it. I was hoping there were people on here that we in similar circumstances and made it work. Better start looking at options. Having to move out isn't one as I have nowhere to go, either does she. Selling the house and buying 2 apartments maybe.

25-05-2019 2:32pm

It won't work as you still have feelings for her, it will end up wrecking your head, you'll wonder what she's up to when she's out etc. and it will drive you crazy. There are a lot of couples in the same predicament unfortunately and it runs smoothly enough where both partners are genuinely finished with each other but in the other scenarios one partner is usually suffering hugely imo. Ive no simple advice unfortunately but I'd let her know that you're not happy with the situation and it can't be all on her terms, don't waste years of your life in such unhappy circumstances, tell her a different arrangement needs to be made and that there will be financial repurcussions... BTW why are you in the spare room?

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 2:42pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It won't work as you still have feelings for her, it will end up wrecking your head, you'll wonder what she's up to when she's out etc. and it will drive you crazy. There are a lot of couples in the same predicament unfortunately and it runs smoothly enough where both partners are genuinely finished with each other but in the other scenarios one partner is usually suffering hugely imo. Ive no simple advice unfortunately but I'd let her know that you're not happy with the situation and it can't be all on her terms, don't waste years of your life in such unhappy circumstances, tell her a different arrangement needs to be made and that there will be financial repurcussions... BTW why are you in the spare room?

Because I'm a man and she needs the room with the ensuite and big wardrobe for all her clothes and shoes. It makes sense as I don't have so many clothes

wiggle16 · 25-05-2019 2:53pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

It doesn't does it, I'm dreading the future and all the pain that goes with it. I was hoping there were people on here that we in similar circumstances and made it work. Better start looking at options. Having to move out isn't one as I have nowhere to go, either does she. Selling the house and buying 2 apartments maybe.

If this is possible for you, then I think this is what you need to do.

As things stand, you're in love with someone who would like you to pretend you're not, and play your part in this make-believe happy family. Whether she knows the extent of your feelings or not (it's not clear from your post), you're being asked to live a lie. The only reason you are even entertaining it is in the hope it she will change her mind if you stick around long enough and can keep any other suitors at bay simply by being there. It won't work.

As for others... my next door neighbour is in her eighties, her husband died 4 years ago after 55 or so years of marriage. She realised about 3 years into her marriage that she had made a mistake, but back then there was no way out of it for her, and they already had kids. So she lived under the one roof with that mean, petty little bully for 55 years. And their kids knew what the story was - so don't think your kids won't pick up that there's something amiss. She's had a new lease of life since he died, as mean as that sounds, but she's in her eighties now. Don't do this.

Tell her the truth and that you are not going to be able to hack living like this. Suggest that you should both speak to a financial advisor (not a solicitor) and get the ball rolling. You should separate while you can still do so on good terms.

25-05-2019 2:57pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

Because I'm a man and she needs the room with the ensuite and big wardrobe for all her clothes and shoes. It makes sense as I don't have so many clothes

I get the feeling that it's all going her way, fair play if you're happy with that,just don't be a complete walkover, you deserve to be happy also.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 3:03pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I get the feeling that it's all going her way, fair play if you're happy with that,just don't be a complete walkover, you deserve to be happy also.

There's a work do coming up and she suggested I go to it and stay over, she's normally paranoid about me staying anywhere overnight. She's also changed the pin on her phone and is constantly on it.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-05-2019 7:51pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

There's a work do coming up and she suggested I go to it and stay over, she's normally paranoid about me staying anywhere overnight. She's also changed the pin on her phone and is constantly on it.

Is this why you started the thread? That you sense that something's about to rock the current situation you're in? Seeing as you're now split up, how do you know your ex changed her PIN? Were you trying to find out why she's constantly on her phone now?

But you know, even if there isn't someone new on the scene, I think you need to take this as a sign that this can't continue. The paranoia is not good for you. And on a more practical level, if she has met someone else it's going to make your current living conditions untenable for both of you. Things will inevitably turn toxic and you'll be left with fewer options. If the pair of you can come up with a solution which results in both of you living in separate places, it'd be great. It's a long shot though...

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 8:35pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Is this why you started the thread? That you sense that something's about to rock the current situation you're in? Seeing as you're now split up, how do you know your ex changed her PIN? Were you trying to find out why she's constantly on her phone now?

But you know, even if there isn't someone new on the scene, I think you need to take this as a sign that this can't continue. The paranoia is not good for you. And on a more practical level, if she has met someone else it's going to make your current living conditions untenable for both of you. Things will inevitably turn toxic and you'll be left with fewer options. If the pair of you can come up with a solution which results in both of you living in separate places, it'd be great. It's a long shot though...

Thanks for the reply, the only way I knew she changed her pin is that we changed ISP and she asked me to set up the new router. I don't think there's a third party in this, I think she doesn't want me seeing what she's talking about to friends and family. By the way I don't go through her phone, it's like a mechanism now for her to rant about our breakup and she doesn't want me seeing it.

LegacyUser · 25-05-2019 9:47pm

Split 2019 wrote: »

There's a work do coming up and she suggested I go to it and stay over, she's normally paranoid about me staying anywhere overnight. She's also changed the pin on her phone and is constantly on it.

First of all, I wouldn't worry about her changing her phone pin number.
Secondly, if it's the case that she has met someone else and is also ok with you staying out at night as she has suggested you do at the work event, perhaps both of you need to discuss the possibility and workability of an open relationship?

salmocab · 25-05-2019 9:58pm

This scenario happened my brother and it ended very badly, after about 6 ridiculous months of awkwardness it got really bitter and resentful. Sort out some arrangements and plan for the kids futures, don’t just pack up and leave but you can’t both stay there. You need a proper talk and a look at finances.

Twenty Grand · 25-05-2019 9:59pm

OP, I think you should see a councillor. As a couple and by yourself.

You've a lot of thoughts and feelings and questions you can't possibly answer by yourself. You need someone objective to talk to, someone who knows how these things tend to play out.

Asking for advice here is ok in the short term, but I think you need to talk to someone experienced.

You've to consider your kids, yourself, and your wife and how this dynamic is going to play out.

Also you're 40. You're young. Youve got plenty of time and opportunity to life a whole other life. No one can tell you what that life is going to look like, but your choices over the next weeks and months will shape it.

Talk to someone experienced.

ILoveYourVibes · 25-05-2019 11:29pm

I know lots of people who have done it even after being legally divorced. It worked out fine. It is still an adjustment for the children. I mean adjustment is not the word that covers it. Any change in the relationship of their parents will affect a child. Its cheaper too. It means you stay together and the children don't have to move etc. The less change for them during this time the better.Its normal for both parties to still having some feeling for each other. I mean after being married for 20 yrs you will probably always feel something for each other. And yes you might get back together who knows.

Money wise family wise it makes sense to stay. Its your home too.

I understand other people have seen situations where it worked out really badly. But i have seen situations where it worked out so so well. And the family matured as the parents became friends. Well more than friends. Friends who were family. And yes they went on to have other partners. But i think it felt to the kids that these partners were never a wall or a tearing apart for them because their unit stayed together. Even when the couple had other partners the family separated couple still lived in the same house.

I think even when children move out they might need a base to move back to at some point.

Yes you will gradually BOTH start to lead more individual lives. You think differently. You will have different friends and maybe even date and meet people. But your family unit still always has that base. I think its for the best.

Up Donegal · 26-05-2019 1:32am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I know lots of people who have done it even after being legally divorced. It worked out fine. It is still an adjustment for the children. I mean adjustment is not the word that covers it. Any change in the relationship of their parents will affect a child. Its cheaper too. It means you stay together and the children don't have to move etc. The less change for them during this time the better.Its normal for both parties to still having some feeling for each other. I mean after being married for 20 yrs you will probably always feel something for each other. And yes you might get back together who knows.

Money wise family wise it makes sense to stay. Its your home too.

I understand other people have seen situations where it worked out really badly. But i have seen situations where it worked out so so well. And the family matured as the parents became friends. Well more than friends. Friends who were family. And yes they went on to have other partners. But i think it felt to the kids that these partners were never a wall or a tearing apart for them because their unit stayed together. Even when the couple had other partners the family separated couple still lived in the same house.

I think even when children move out they might need a base to move back to at some point.

Yes you will gradually BOTH start to lead more individual lives. You think differently. You will have different friends and maybe even date and meet people. But your family unit still always has that base. I think its for the best.

Well said, ILoveYourVibes. I agree totally. I too know of a few couples like that and they're quite happy with the arrangement.

wiggle16 · 26-05-2019 3:57am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I know lots of people who have done it even after being legally divorced. It worked out fine. It is still an adjustment for the children. I mean adjustment is not the word that covers it. Any change in the relationship of their parents will affect a child. Its cheaper too. It means you stay together and the children don't have to move etc. The less change for them during this time the better.Its normal for both parties to still having some feeling for each other. I mean after being married for 20 yrs you will probably always feel something for each other. And yes you might get back together who knows.

Money wise family wise it makes sense to stay. Its your home too.

I understand other people have seen situations where it worked out really badly. But i have seen situations where it worked out so so well. And the family matured as the parents became friends. Well more than friends. Friends who were family. And yes they went on to have other partners. But i think it felt to the kids that these partners were never a wall or a tearing apart for them because their unit stayed together. Even when the couple had other partners the family separated couple still lived in the same house.

I think even when children move out they might need a base to move back to at some point.

Yes you will gradually BOTH start to lead more individual lives. You think differently. You will have different friends and maybe even date and meet people. But your family unit still always has that base. I think its for the best.

I have to say I disagree with what you are saying in general, but even leaving that aside and examining it objectively in terms of the OP's circumstances, it does not apply at all in this instance.

With respect, I think you are missing a huge part of the issue here. All of the above can be true for some couples perhaps, but you are talking about a purely economic arrangement, where a couple can get along in a marriage of convenience that works because there are no feelings or attachments complicating it. But the OP is still in love with his partner. There's more at play here than managing finances - and I think the situation you've outlined labours under the assumption that a family unit should consist of two parents and the kids all under one roof and that this is the most optimal arrangement. That's not the case. It is better for a child to have two happy parents who live apart than two parents who are miserable under the one roof - which is exactly what they will have if they stay together like this.

Yes, two people can conceivably be happy and live completely separate lives under one roof, and rear kids. They cannot do that if one of them is in love with the other. With respect, how is he supposed to be happy or find any sort of fulfilment living with someone he loves but who doesn't want him back? Imagine what it would do to him. Imagine the effect it will have on children to live in a situation like this. All for the sake of having a "base". Neither parent is being made homeless. If one of the children has to move back home as an adult, it makes no difference if the parents live together or not. There is still a home to go to.

If they sell up and live apart, the children will adapt. All children do. It is not in the children's best interests for them to stay together, and that's not even why the OP is considering staying.

The OP has said that the idea of his partner meeting someone else sets his stomach churning, and that what he actually wants from this arrangement is for his partner to change her mind at some point down the line - and he knows it will be hard for her to meet anyone else while he is living with her. He's still in love with her. The OP does not need to adjust to these living arrangements, and he shouldn't - he needs to accept that his relationship is over. Anything else is living a lie.

The OP's partner has suggested this arrangement as a solution to a cold, hard, financial obstacle. The OP is considering leaving it dressed up like that so he can stay because he still loves her. They are not on the same page, at all. It will not work.

OP you need to be honest with her about how you really feel and get proper financial advice. Another poster has suggested counselling - I would second that. It doesn't sound like you are thinking clearly about this at all.

Always Tired · 26-05-2019 4:22am

My first thought when i read the OP was m, 'she's full of crap, man and she either already has or soon will be moving on to someone else before you know it'.

I don't think you're being paranoid. She didnt start putting this idea into your head without having someone lined up already, and she is also pretty confident that she can hide it from you or just keep telling you what to do and you'll do it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater · 26-05-2019 6:13am

My parents have done this for the past 30 odd years. And they don't even get on particularly well, but they've made it work for them. It's what is normal for them now. It can work.

split after 20 years, living under the same roof

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