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How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Autecher


    I don't think it's that odd. I know plenty of men and women who don't ever want kids. I have quite a few friends your age who have zero interest in starting a family but who would like to settle down/get married and have someone in their lives. Some of them have found apps like OK Cupid useful in that regard.
    I meant odd as in if I was to meet a woman of a similar age it would be uncomfortable I think, for me at least. I mean I can't just blurt out on a first date "I don't want kids". I know a fair few women who don't want kids but I still assume that most women do. So if I started dating you for example, how long until we have that conversation? What if we fall in love first before it's revealed you want kids and I don't? It's all very awkward to me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,449 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    It shouldn't be that hard, yet it seems a lot of men want to date who they want to date - attractive, fit women in their age bracket or a bit younger, and will misrepresent themselves if necessary if that means being able to date who they want to.


    Honestly, you make it sound like a woman of that same age bracket is a victim for not having spotted that type of man 100 miles away and steering well clear of him either. The fact is that most women certainly are capable of spotting a man-child 100 miles away.

    Then there are the unfortunate few of both genders who willingly ignore or overlook all the red flags in the misguided belief that either the person “will come around to the idea”, or there are other factors which at the time they place more weight in than the importance of having children or not or how many children they agree to have, and later change their minds.

    People change their minds all the time and the idea that they are or were being deceptive at the time when they made promises they thought they could keep is a bit more complex than suggesting they’re a cnut because “they didn’t keep their promises and deceived me as to their intent”. It’s a very immature mentality frankly, but the person who hooks up with a person with an immature mentality like that is entirely responsible for the consequences of their decisions too.

    By way of example, as I said earlier, I wanted six children, and my wife agreed before we had our first, that of course we would have six. When we had our first, she said she wasn’t going through that again.

    Using your rationale Lainey, my wife apparently “deceived” me because she promised me we would have six children together. I don’t think like that, because holding my wife responsible for my disappointment, or being resentful of her for the fact that she had changed her mind would just be completely silly and immature, from my point of view anyway.

    And before you respond with “sure you have plenty of time to have children with someone else”, that’s missing the point - I didn’t want to have children with anyone else, still don’t, and it’s certainly not the very first thing that comes up when I meet anyone nowadays, any more than I would view women as potential mothers when we’ve only just met, or think they’re being “deceptive” because they’re wearing makeup and how dare they!* :rolleyes:



    *Stick around, that’s another thread topic that regularly gets started by some idiot who is equally as bitter and suspicious as you are and is looking for ways to justify their bitterness and suspicion of the opposite sex.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Autecher


    Autecher wrote: »
    I meant odd as in if I was to meet a woman of a similar age it would be uncomfortable I think, for me at least. I mean I can't just blurt out on a first date "I don't want kids". I know a fair few women who don't want kids but I still assume that most women do. So if I started dating you for example, how long until we have that conversation? What if we fall in love first before it's revealed you want kids and I don't? It's all very awkward to me.
    Or I could just do this on a first date and save myself the awkwardness :P


    tumblr_luvcyscbGj1qg78udo1_500.gif


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    It's true, though, isn't it?

    A man who is happily married with kids and who everything worked out for telling other people what they should do. I'm not saying you're wrong. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense. But it's very easy to have that attitude when you're one of the ones who are 'winning'. Perhaps your outlook would be very different if things hadn't gone your way as much as they did.

    But you don't know what's gone on in our lives - what struggles we've had, what heartbreaks we've endured... if we're winning it's because we worked hard at it to keep the lines of communication open when the other was suffering and always put the other first in the harder times. A good marriage isn't some kind of magical mystery tour where everything is perfect always. It's hard work at times because we all get knock backs in life and there's going to be times when one of you is going to be stronger than the other.

    You really need to have a look at that negative outlook of yours. You're never going to be able to enjoy anything in life if you're constantly down on everything.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Autecher


    Probably the upside of your situation is at your age most people who are dating are going to know and communicate what they want on that front, there presumably wouldn't be many people and particularly many women with "oh sure we'll see how it goes" attitude or who'll pretend to not want kids, the timeline is too tight. Being open to dating women with kids is a big advantage too. I'm in my early 30s but if I were to end up single again the prospect of finding someone, especially a man, who was certain (like I am) that they didn't want kids would be daunting, you're someone's unicorn don't worry!
    Awww, that unicorn line made me blush like a teenage girl :o


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Autecher


    Probably the upside of your situation is at your age most people who are dating are going to know and communicate what they want on that front, there presumably wouldn't be many people and particularly many women with "oh sure we'll see how it goes" attitude or who'll pretend to not want kids, the timeline is too tight. Being open to dating women with kids is a big advantage too. I'm in my early 30s but if I were to end up single again the prospect of finding someone, especially a man, who was certain (like I am) that they didn't want kids would be daunting, you're someone's unicorn don't worry!
    Also I am possibly showing my sexism here but do you not think it would be easier for you (or women in general) to find a man in the 30-40 age range that doesn't want kids than it would be for me (or men in general) to find a woman in the 30-40 age range that doesn't want kids?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭ Talia Late Crosswalk


    Autecher wrote: »
    Also I am possibly showing my sexism here but do you not think it would be easier for you (or women in general) to find a man in the 30-40 age range that doesn't want kids than it would be for me (or men in general) to find a women in the 30-40 age range that doesn't want kids?

    I think it can be harder to find a man who has a definite and secure position on it, though overall there are probably more men than women who don't want kids.

    I'm at the age where people in my social circle are starting to have kids and it's kind of staggering the amount of my men friends who respond to the "who's going to be having kids" conversations that are arising with "Oh god I dunno really, haven't really thought too much about it" whereas most women I know would have been fairly certain what they wanted or at least considered it extensively since their early-mid twenties.

    I just don't think I'd like to set up a life with someone when there was that level of uncertainty, or to feel that I was pushing them to decide, and decide my way. The thought of someone changing (or making up ) their mind after however many years and ending the relationship over it would be awful.

    My OH gets moments of ambivalence about it but generally spending some time minding kids snaps him back :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    Honestly, you make it sound like a woman of that same age bracket is a victim for not having spotted that type of man 100 miles away and steering well clear of him either. The fact is that most women certainly are capable of spotting a man-child 100 miles away.

    No, they're not. This isn't some small subset of men. I'd say the majority of single men I meet in my age bracket are very reluctant to commit at all. Even those who don't ride skateboards to work or eat cold pizza for breakfast.
    Then there are the unfortunate few of both genders who willingly ignore or overlook all the red flags in the misguided belief that either the person “will come around to the idea”, or there are other factors which at the time they place more weight in than the importance of having children or not or how many children they agree to have, and later change their minds.

    I've certainly never done that. I have certainly been called 'pushy' for trying to establish early on whether or not the guy is going to just waste my time. Seems like we can't win. Taking it casual and seeing how it goes = not being assertive enough. Being upfront about wanting something serious = pushy.
    People change their minds all the time and the idea that they are or were being deceptive at the time when they made promises they thought they could keep is a bit more complex than suggesting they’re a cnut because “they didn’t keep their promises and deceived me as to their intent”. It’s a very immature mentality frankly, but the person who hooks up with a person with an immature mentality like that is entirely responsible for the consequences of their decisions too.

    Big difference between changing your mind and purposely misleading someone about whether you want kids or not.
    By way of example, as I said earlier, I wanted six children, and my wife agreed before we had our first, that of course we would have six. When we had our first, she said she wasn’t going through that again.

    Using your rationale Lainey, my wife apparently “deceived” me because she promised me we would have six children together. I don’t think like that, because holding my wife responsible for my disappointment, or being resentful of her for the fact that she had changed her mind would just be completely silly and immature, from my point of view anyway.

    More strawmanning. Having a bad experience and changing your mind isn't remotely comparable to stringing someone along because you're afraid they'd leave you if you were honest.
    And before you respond with “sure you have plenty of time to have children with someone else”, that’s missing the point - I didn’t want to have children with anyone else, still don’t, and it’s certainly not the very first thing that comes up when I meet anyone nowadays, any more than I would view women as potential mothers when we’ve only just met, or think they’re being “deceptive” because they’re wearing makeup and how dare they!* :rolleyes:



    *Stick around, that’s another thread topic that regularly gets started by some idiot who is equally as bitter and suspicious as you are and is looking for ways to justify their bitterness and suspicion of the opposite sex.

    More strawmanning.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,474 ✭✭✭jim o doom


    I'm married 10 years and we aren't ever having kids. She doesn't want them, I don't want them and I'm generally at a loss as to why people bother with that nightmare.. beyond the biological imperitive which is easily ignored.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,449 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Big difference between changing your mind and purposely misleading someone about whether you want kids or not.


    It’s not any different to any other risk you’ll take when you choose to hook up with someone else.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    It’s not any different to any other risk you’ll take when you choose to hook up with someone else.

    Hogwash.

    This is the sort of rubbish my ex came out with when he admitted he'd never wanted kids.

    'You never know what'll happen in life', blah blah blah

    No, you don't. But you CAN control what you tell other people, and you CAN avoid misleading people on purpose so you get what you want.

    You can start dating someone who later dies or gets very sick or turns out to be gay or any number of unfortunate but unpredictable situations. That's just life, yes. Starting a relationship by misrepresenting who you are or what you're looking for isn't just part of life, or a normal risk. It's being a selfish c*nt.

    I'm not sure how you can even argue with that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,449 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Hogwash.

    This is the sort of rubbish my ex came out with when he admitted he'd never wanted kids.

    'You never know what'll happen in life', blah blah blah

    No, you don't. But you CAN control what you tell other people, and you CAN avoid misleading people on purpose so you get what you want.

    You can start dating someone who later dies or gets very sick or turns out to be gay or any number of unfortunate but unpredictable situations. That's just life, yes. Starting a relationship by misrepresenting who you are or what you're looking for isn't just part of life, or a normal risk. It's being a selfish c*nt.

    I'm not sure how you can even argue with that.


    It’s easy to argue with it - it’s everyone’s personal responsibility to determine for themselves whether they’re being led up the garden path or not, and blaming someone else for being deceptive doesn’t do anything to address the fact that you were attracted to the person they purported to be. It’s an awkward realisation, but you learn from it and move on, rather than harbouring on it and allowing yourself to become resentful about it.




  • Am I the only one who thought Lainey had been here for years?




  • But on topic, really, we've been in a period of transition in how relationships are and people's attitudes to sex and children..People are a lot more concerned with themselves the last while too.. this may not all be positive,.it will probably only become clear in time..


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    But on topic, really, we've been in a period of transition in how relationships are and people's attitudes to sex and children..People are a lot more concerned with themselves the last while too.. this may not all be positive,.it will probably only become clear in time..

    This is definitely true. Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing or a bit of both, I'm not entirely sure.




  • I think it can be harder to find a man who has a definite and secure position on it, though overall there are probably more men than women who don't want kids.

    I'm at the age where people in my social circle are starting to have kids and it's kind of staggering the amount of my men friends who respond to the "who's going to be having kids" conversations that are arising with "Oh god I dunno really, haven't really thought too much about it" whereas most women I know would have been fairly certain what they wanted or at least considered it extensively since their early-mid twenties.

    I just don't think I'd like to set up a life with someone when there was that level of uncertainty, or to feel that I was pushing them to decide, and decide my way. The thought of someone changing (or making up ) their mind after however many years and ending the relationship over it would be awful.

    My OH gets moments of ambivalence about it but generally spending some time minding kids snaps him back :D

    i think this is a very well-put description of the gap relevant to the "men who dont tell you til you're 30 are bastards" discussion

    fellas, an awful lot of them compared to women ime, *are* ambivalent enough in their 20s and 30s about having kids. a social or biological function of having more time, perhaps?

    theres also that thing where its too late to have the conversation about "do you want kids" after the third date, but its certainly too early to say "i want kids with **you**" before a few years have passed with ye living together and knowing each other very well indeed.

    and thats probably best done after the mid twenties stage of college done, first few jobs, the real growing up stuff, which is a lot going on before you throw in a relationship (which we all learn how to do as individuals, no two alike and all that) that ~has to work out or youve stolen the other person's youth and happiness~

    essentially, given modern life's requirement for two job families just to scrape together mortgage deposits by the time ye are 35, a point of view that still thinks of "men vs women" when they broach this topic seem so oddly simplistic as to be .... almost quaint.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    i think this is a very well-put description of the gap relevant to the "men who dont tell you til you're 30 are bastards" discussion

    fellas, an awful lot of them compared to women ime, *are* ambivalent enough in their 20s and 30s about having kids. a social or biological function of having more time, perhaps?

    theres also that thing where its too late to have the conversation about "do you want kids" after the third date, but its certainly too early to say "i want kids with you" before a few years have passed with ye living together and knowing each other very well indeed.

    and thats probably best done after the mid twenties stage of college done, first few jobs, the real growing up stuff, which is a lot going on before you throw in a relationship (which we all learn how to do as individuals, no two alike and all that) that ~has to work out or youve stolen the other person's youth and happiness~

    essentially, given modern life's requirement for two job families just to scrape together mortgage deposits by the time ye are 35, a point of view that still thinks of "men vs women" when they broach this topic seem so oddly simplistic as to be .... almost quaint.

    Except literally NOBODY is saying that. But don't let that stop you inventing things.

    None of this has anything to do with a fella of, say, 36 who doesn't want kids withholding that fact from the women he dates because he knows it'll cut down his options drastically. Who cares about robbing a woman of her last few fertile years and wasting time she could have spent looking for someone else, as long as he gets what he wants, right?

    What is a woman in her early to mid thirties to do? She can't start trying for kids with a new partner right away - that would be insane. So they get to know each other, spend time together, everything is going brilliantly, then when she brings up kids he keep stalling and eventually admits he doesn't want them. So she either has to do without having kids or attempt to start the whole dating process again, now that it's even harder than before, she's even older, there are even fewer eligible single fellas on the market.

    This certainly isn't the woman's fault.




  • Except literally NOBODY is saying that. But don't let that stop you inventing things.

    None of this has anything to do with a fella of, say, 36 who doesn't want kids withholding that fact from the women he dates because he knows it'll cut down his options drastically. Who cares about robbing a woman of her last few fertile years and wasting time she could have spent looking for someone else, as long as he gets what he wants, right?

    What is a woman in her early to mid thirties to do? She can't start trying for kids with a new partner right away - that would be insane. So they get to know each other, spend time together, everything is going brilliantly, then when she brings up kids he keep stalling and eventually admits he doesn't want them. So she either has to do without having kids or attempt to start the whole dating process again, now that it's even harder than before, she's even older, there are even fewer eligible single fellas on the market.

    This certainly isn't the woman's fault.


    you keep insisting everyone has to talk about very specific cases which may or may not be your own personal experiences but heres the thing

    we dont have to do that at all


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I'm 34, in a brand new relationship and fairly ambivalent. My best friend is the same age, getting married in 2 months and also ambivalent. I don't think it's that uncommon for women either. I met a fair amount of mothers who say "I didn't really think I wanted kids either, even after I got pregnant".

    With the rhetoric that's directed at women for "leaving it too late", it feels almost careless to be approaching my mid 30s and in two minds about it all. In reality, I don't want to be a single mum or to have kids with the next man that comes along for the sake of having them, as the biological urge is not that strong. I can't imagine having kids with someone that I didn't love deeply, someone that i didn't feel supported by 100%.

    To point out something very obvious, I feel like this thread needs to hear this: it's ok to want what you want or not want what you don't want, and you're not answerable to anyone else on these major life decisions. Not society, not men, not parents, not non-parents, nobody. If my indecisiveness now leads to no kids down the line, so be it. If my new relationship works out and I get pregnant next year, that's fine too.

    Ultimately, neither decision affects anyone except me in the general scheme of things. And I was never going to be a "young mum" in my 20s, those years were always going to be about travel and adventure and career and self-discovery. I'll be damned if I'll be made to feel guilty about that!




  • To point out something very obvious, I feel like this thread needs to hear this: it's ok to want what you want or not want what you don't want, and you're not answerable to anyone else on these major life decisions. Not society, not men, not parents, not non-parents, nobody.

    you left out "not women"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    I'm 34, in a brand new relationship and fairly ambivalent. My best friend is the same age, getting married in 2 months and also ambivalent. I don't think it's that uncommon for women either. I met a fair amount of mothers who say "I didn't really think I wanted kids either, even after I got pregnant".

    With the rhetoric that's directed at women for "leaving it too late", it feels almost careless to be approaching my mid 30s and in two minds about it all. In reality, I don't want to be a single mum or to have kids with the next man that comes along for the sake of having them, as the biological urge is not that strong. I can't imagine having kids with someone that I didn't love deeply, someone that i didn't feel supported by 100%.

    To point out something very obvious, I feel like this thread needs to hear this: it's ok to want what you want or not want what you don't want, and you're not answerable to anyone else on these major life decisions. Not society, not men, not parents, not non-parents, nobody. If my indecisiveness now leads to no kids down the line, so be it. If my new relationship works out and I get pregnant next year, that's fine too.

    Ultimately, neither decision affects anyone except me in the general scheme of things. And I was never going to be a "young mum" in my 20s, those years were always going to be about travel and adventure and career and self-discovery. I'll be damned if I'll be made to feel guilty about that!

    I know it was a throwaway comment, but would you actually have a child with someone you've been with under a year? This to me is a huge problem with approaching my mid thirties and being single - I simply don't have several years to spend with someone and establish whether we're compatible if I want biological kids. If you meet someone at 22, you can spend years getting to know them before kids or marriage ever cross your mind. If you meet someone at 34, you either bite the bullet and get married/have kids after a short time and hope it works out or wait it out and then risk not being able to have kids (if it works out) or discovering you're not that compatible and having to start over again in your late thirties. It feels like there just isn't enough time. It's very stressful and I find it impacts on my relationships and dating life.




  • That's very true..but that's WAY more relevant to the male in that situation too..

    The possibility of some wagon keeping your children from you, or using them as weapons,..
    No wonder you'd be reluctant..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I know it was a throwaway comment, but would you actually have a child with someone you've been with under a year? This to me is a huge problem with approaching my mid thirties and being single - I simply don't have several years to spend with someone and establish whether we're compatible if I want biological kids. If you meet someone at 22, you can spend years getting to know them before kids or marriage ever cross your mind. If you meet someone at 34, you either bite the bullet and get married/have kids after a short time and hope it works out or wait it out and then risk not being able to have kids (if it works out) or discovering you're not that compatible and having to start over again in your late thirties. It feels like there just isn't enough time. It's very stressful and I find it impacts on my relationships and dating life.


    I think you're overthinking it all tbh. It's as stressful as you decide it will be.

    Of course age is a much bigger factor for us, and you'll meet the men who assume every 30-anything woman is trying to 'trap' them into a life of marital misery. But equally, the shorter timeline to me translates to less tolerance for bs and quicker decision-making when it comes to dating and relationships.

    I'm not shopping for a husband or a baby-daddy, I'm looking for a true partner, that rare chance to fall in love again. I don't want the husband or the family without that key ingredient. I'm not broody and single parenting doesn't appeal to me. Marriage isn't a pre-requisite to starting a family for me either.

    If this guy turns out to be the right guy? Yeah, things could move fast. Who knows. I'm not attributing my worth to a man to my age and I'm not planning for or ruling out anything, because life tends to laugh in the face of those plans.

    I think when you start thinking along the lines of "OMG I have FIVE YEARS to lock this stuff down!!!", you're putting out the wrong energy on the dating scene. You're leading with panic and urgency. That's counter-productive. No-one wants to fit into someone else's agenda. They want to fall in love and feel like they've met someone special.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    I think you're overthinking it all tbh. It's as stressful as you decide it will be.

    Of course age is a much bigger factor for us, and you'll meet the men who assume every 30-anything woman is trying to 'trap' them into a life of marital misery. But equally, the shorter timeline to me translates to less tolerance for bs and quicker decision-making when it comes to dating and relationships.

    I'm not shopping for a husband or a baby-daddy, I'm looking for a true partner, that rare chance to fall in love again. I don't want the husband or the family without that key ingredient. I'm not broody and single parenting doesn't appeal to me. Marriage isn't a pre-requisite to starting a family for me either.

    If this guy turns out to be the right guy? Yeah, things could move fast. Who knows. I'm not attributing my worth to a man to my age and I'm not planning for or ruling out anything, because life tends to laugh in the face of those plans.

    I think when you start thinking along the lines of "OMG I have FIVE YEARS to lock this stuff down!!!", you're putting out the wrong energy on the dating scene. You're leading with panic and urgency. That's counter-productive. No-one wants to fit into someone else's agenda. They want to fall in love and feel like they've met someone special.

    I do see what you mean, but I find it very, very hard to be able to decide whether someone is stringing me along or whether I'm expecting too much from them too early on. At 25, you can afford to just go with the flow and see what happens. At 35 (if you want kids), you can't, really.

    I was in a relationship with someone I got along great with and had loads of fun with, and ultimately ended up getting badly burned when he admitted he didn't want anything 'serious' and never had. While it was fun, it took up a couple of years of prime dating time I could have used to find someone who DID want the same. How do you avoid that happening? I've had several men tell me I'm putting too much pressure on things, but it seems to me like the risk of 'going with the flow' is enormous, especially when there are so many fellas around who will happily take advantage of a nice, easy, fun relationship while having no intention to stick around for more than a year or so.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I was in a relationship with someone I got along great with and had loads of fun with, and ultimately ended up getting badly burned when he admitted he didn't want anything 'serious' and never had. While it was fun, it took up a couple of years of prime dating time I could have used to find someone who DID want the same. How do you avoid that happening?

    By trusting yourself and trusting your judgement. You know a red flag when you see one. Let the past be the past. Judge every new guy you meet as an individual, watch his actions versus his words, don't stone him for the sins of lads you were burned by years ago.

    By this age you've typically met every shyster in the book. I know I have. I deleted all the dating apps because of it. So many man-children with kid-in-a-candy-shop mindsets and rebounding divorcees. It bred this abundance mentality in me too. I honestly think they re-programme your brain to see the opposite sex as disposable commodities, and for me that's not the way of building attraction and developing a relationship on the right foundation. I simply can't swipe my way to the right partner, it's not how I'm wired.

    Dating older men can help too. There's less bs. I'm seeing someone ten years older, and I've noticed there's no mind-games and a directness that is refreshing. It's ok to call whenever it takes my fancy and it's ok to ask frank questions. If asking, "do you want kids?" when you're a few dates in has a fella running for the hills, he's probably not someone you should be pinning all your hopes on.

    Equally, asking him repeatedly and probing as to when he wants them and interrogating him like he's a criminal because you were sold a merry dance once is where it becomes self-sabotage. That comes across as a woman with an agenda and no time on her hands and it doesn't really matter who he is, it's all about what she wants. The same things from a fella and I'd be making a quick exit myself.


  • Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ Magnolia Narrow Shortcake



    None of this has anything to do with a fella of, say, 36 who doesn't want kids withholding that fact from the women he dates because he knows it'll cut down his options drastically. Who cares about robbing a woman of her last few fertile years and wasting time she could have spent looking for someone else, as long as he gets what he wants, right?

    Judging by the amount of messing women did in their 20s with me before I met my wife, I could imagine a scenario of a guy who was messed around a lot in his 20s, is cynical, and now is in demand with women, as most decent guys are already long coupled up, and is taking advantage.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,763 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    On the opposite side of things, I'm a 36 year old and I've given up looking for a partner right now because I don't want kids. How can I tell if a woman in my age group doesn't want children? Do I bring it up on the first date (if I can get one)? From what i'm reading that's a big turn off, so do I continue the relationship until we're close enough to have this conversation? How long will that take? Will I then be blamed for stringing her along?

    I've gone with the easier option, just not bother. I've also made solace with the situation that I'm possibly going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm ok with it. It's allowing me to do what I want to do without having to worry about 'Where are you', 'What are you up to', 'Who are you with', 'You can't talk to her' and other such jealously BS that i've dealt with in the past.

    So why can't we all just be honest? You meet someone, ye decide to make a date, why is it taboo to say outright 'By the way, just so you know, I've no interest in having kids', or 'So you know, I do intend on having kids at some stage'. Up to the other person then to decide let's give it a go, or no, sorry, I do/n't want kids' and part ways there and then? Because too many people are petrified of being alone because of other people telling them that being alone is wrong, sad, depressing, etc. You can see it in this thread.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    By trusting yourself and trusting your judgement. You know a red flag when you see one. Let the past be the past. Judge every new guy you meet as an individual, watch his actions versus his words, don't stone him for the sins of lads you were burned by years ago.

    I don't, really, no. I date all different types of fellas and have similar issues, as do my friends. Was seeing someone earlier this year who seemed really into me, made an enormous effort to see me (he lived a bit of a distance away), super enthusiastic, and then as soon as we were 'officially' dating, it was as if he just gave up. Like literally stopped putting in any effort at all. There seem to be a lot of men like this around, who want a girlfriend but don't understand the concept of giving anything back and meeting someone's needs. As I ended up asking this fella, what am I getting out of this?
    By this age you've typically met every shyster in the book. I know I have. I deleted all the dating apps because of it. So many man-children with kid-in-a-candy-shop mindsets and rebounding divorcees. It bred this abundance mentality in me too. I honestly think they re-programme your brain to see the opposite sex as disposable commodities, and for me that's not the way of building attraction and developing a relationship on the right foundation. I simply can't swipe my way to the right partner, it's not how I'm wired.

    Not really, if you spent all your twenties in a serious relationship. I haven't dated that many men, which is why it's probably so much harder for me now. I just fell into a relationship in my early twenties, right on the back of another serious relationship. All the stuff I heard about commitment phobes and not texting back and womanising was totally alien to me. When I was 31 and starting dating again, I might as well have been 18 for all I knew about the dating scene. I totally agree about the swiping apps - it's just so hard to meet people any other way. I meet plenty of men my age through work and social activities who I think find me attractive and have great conversation with me. The problem? They're all already married.
    Dating older men can help too. There's less bs. I'm seeing someone ten years older, and I've noticed there's no mind-games and a directness that is refreshing. It's ok to call whenever it takes my fancy and it's ok to ask frank questions. If asking, "do you want kids?" when you're a few dates in has a fella running for the hills, he's probably not someone you should be pinning all your hopes on.

    Maaaybe, but I've encountered quite a few man children in their forties as well. I'm also wary of people who are long term single, because they come across as very selfish and unwilling to compromise.
    Equally, asking him repeatedly and probing as to when he wants them and interrogating him like he's a criminal because you were sold a merry dance once is where it becomes self-sabotage. That comes across as a woman with an agenda and no time on her hands and it doesn't really matter who he is, it's all about what she wants. The same things from a fella and I'd be making a quick exit myself.

    Makes sense. There's a fine line, and I can't seem to get it right. Too laid back and you get walked over like a doormat and strung along. Too pushy and they run a mile.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    On the opposite side of things, I'm a 36 year old and I've given up looking for a partner right now because I don't want kids. How can I tell if a woman in my age group doesn't want children? Do I bring it up on the first date (if I can get one)? From what i'm reading that's a big turn off, so do I continue the relationship until we're close enough to have this conversation? How long will that take? Will I then be blamed for stringing her along?

    There are a lot of genuinely childfree women looking for childfree men. I don't know if you use apps but many of them have categories for that. I don't see the problem with bringing it up early on. It's pretty easy to bring it up. Imagine you're in a restaurant and someone's baby is wailing and they're getting all stressed and anxious trying to calm it down. You say 'Jaysus, that's stressful. So glad I'm not planning on having any kids myself!' If she looks horrified, you have your answer. If she enthusastically agrees, likewise. There's literally no point in not bringing it up early on. If it's a turn off for her, so what? Purposely not bringing it up for a while in case it means you don't get sex/a relationship is the definition of stringing someone along. It's not fair.
    I've gone with the easier option, just not bother. I've also made solace with the situation that I'm possibly going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm ok with it. It's allowing me to do what I want to do without having to worry about 'Where are you', 'What are you up to', 'Who are you with', 'You can't talk to her' and other such jealously BS that i've dealt with in the past.

    Grand if you really aren't arsed, but I don't think not wanting kids is a reason not to bother at all. There are loads of women on the dating scene who can't have kids (infertility) or who are too old for them or who just don't want them. And that kind of jealousy isn't normal either. Plenty of women around who aren't like that.
    So why can't we all just be honest? You meet someone, ye decide to make a date, why is it taboo to say outright 'By the way, just so you know, I've no interest in having kids', or 'So you know, I do intend on having kids at some stage'. Up to the other person then to decide let's give it a go, or no, sorry, I do/n't want kids' and part ways there and then? Because too many people are petrified of being alone because of other people telling them that being alone is wrong, sad, depressing, etc. You can see it in this thread.

    As someone on the autistic spectrum, I'd f**king love it if people were just honest. I can't be doing with bullsh1t and games at all. I'd be happy to know if a man wants kids or not so I don't waste my time dating someone who is never going to want the same things I do.


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  • Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ Magnolia Narrow Shortcake


    Heres why in a nutshell:

    Obviously, he's good looking - but not by chance (he's not Ovie). Like, he could very easily be a 3/10, but he's put the time and effort into minding himself and brushing his teeth - clocking in at a solid Love Island 7, and Irish 9. His prettiness is offset by a broken nose and 'cracked forehead,' and like any good Irish man he has a complex about his height, ('I'm just under 5'11') which is reassuring in a man with quite so many abs.

    The guy is a rugby player and trainee solicitor. She's destined to be alone with her cats. I bet she's about 20 stone herself.

    https://m.independent.ie/opinion/comment/ciara-oconnor-heartbreak-ahead-for-the-love-islanders-just-in-it-for-the-likes-38330956.html


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