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What's the etiquette here??

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 18,936 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    What a selfish bitch.
    Hogging the head, and you bubbling at the seal.

    Get shot of her, shes not a keeper

    Nice little nautical insertion there Roger, not many would have spotted that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Nice little nautical insertion there Roger, not many would have spotted that.

    Ah now, B, our Roger is no stranger to pumping out the “bilge” and keeping a clean “poop deck”.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,936 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Ah now, B, our Roger is no stranger to pumping out the “bilge” and keeping a clean “poop deck”.

    No kidding, RDYC lad is he, get a fair bit of spicy midden coming out of those pipes.

    Heavily marbled with fresh prawn and periwinkle ?

    No wonder the mackerel in those parts are ‘jacked’

    Heard the fcukers took out a smallish spaniel who fell in off the pier.

    Nowt left but the hind legs and the butt of the tail:eek:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    No kidding, RDYC lad is he, get a fair bit of spicy midden coming out of those pipes.

    Heavily marbled with fresh prawn and periwinkle ?

    No wonder the mackerel in those parts are ‘jacked’

    Heard the fcukers took out a smallish spaniel who fell in off the pier.

    Nowt left but the hind legs and the butt of the tail:eek:

    Au contraire BB, i thought the cut of my jib would have me marked out as a Royal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,500 ✭✭✭✭DEFTLEFTHAND


    Arse has been rumbling for the last few hours. There's a push on.

    I might try and induce it, we're supposed to be out meeting friends at 9pm.


    I don't like unloading in a pub stall. Feel much more comfortable in my own surrounds.


    Armitage Shanks pull chain, installed in Feb 1997.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Arse has been rumbling for the last few hours. There's a push on.

    I might try and induce it, we're supposed to be out meeting friends at 9pm.


    I don't like unloading in a pub stall. Feel much more comfortable in my own surrounds.


    Armitage Shanks pull chain, installed in Feb 1997.

    Best get it out before you go, D.

    Shítting in a pub on a night out is a dirty offence. You see lads doing it with impunity thinking it’s fine but it’s not.

    Pubs are fine to use in a lunchtime “bind” but on an night out should only be used in an emergency.

    Anyone who engages in regular pub shíttings has a grudge against decent “society”.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash



    Armitage Shanks pull chain, installed in Feb 1997.

    A masterpiece of functional design.

    I was at a wedding in Castle Leslie up in Monaghan last year. Excellent venue. They have a working Thomas Crapper toilet in the castle itself. Felt like sitting on a real piece of engineering history as I emptied my bowels with great gusto and velocity.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,936 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    A masterpiece of functional design.

    I was at a wedding in Castle Leslie up in Monaghan last year. Excellent venue. They have a working Thomas Crapper toilet in the castle itself. Felt like sitting on a real piece of engineering history as I emptied my bowels with great gusto and velocity.

    With the good rich grub they serve up there John, I reckon it’s safe to say you packed the pan.

    The mustard coloured ‘ comfort’ chinos were well stretched there?

    Hope the contraption could disperse the sludge, pal.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Not a great morning in the Spiceland home today. Yesterday we all went to an Italian for lunch. I got a large “meat” pizza, with extra pepperoni. When it arrived I noticed large pockets of “oil” pooled about the surface and covering most of the base when I picked up a slice. That isn’t too unusual when a pizza contains a lot of meat and isn’t normally a problem, but it became a problem for me.

    I wolfed down the lot and we left. Everyone was happy, things were going fine bar some loud “gurgles” emanating from my gut. I had an engagement to attain last night and figured a couple of pints of stout might settle my stomach. They didn’t. I left early due to excessive sweating and abdominal cramping. I just wanted to get home as soon as I could.

    I wasn’t long in the door when I knew something really wasn’t “right”. I got into the jacks and no sooner had my arse hit the seat a mass ejection ensued. If you’ve ever seen on tv or on film where an American barman uses a “seltzer” bottle you’ll have a fair idea of what went on. It was pure liquid and in prolonged, thin, blasts. A dreadful feeling. I really regretted covering my pizza with chilli flakes too.

    I took a look down between my legs to see what sort of mess was being made but there was no colour, it was pure, hot, oil being forced out of my body. A proper dose of “pizzarrhoea”.

    Even the clean up was, somewhat, clear. Wet and oily but still clear. The “ring hair” is still quite trim so it wasn’t as bad a job as it could have been. I’m just glad it wasn’t sticky. I know a guy who took those fat binding “diet” pills and he said after taking them you can’t even look at a sausage again without feeling ill, that’s how I’m feeling about pepperoni right now.

    I’m also in the dog house due to the stench of oily meat that seems to have taken up residence on the ground floor of the house. My partner has advised that she’s taking the rest of the family to see her parents and the “smell” better be gone by the time they get back.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Excessive flatulence can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. I had 12 cans of lukewarm Guinness a few weeks back. The farts the next day would strip paint from a trawler. Genuinely malevolent things, with a lingering ‘note’ that smelled like a piggery with a botulism outbreak.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Excessive flatulence can put a strain of even the strongest of relationships. I had 12 cans of lukewarm Guinness a few weeks back. The farts the next day would strip paint from a trawler. Genuinely malevolent things, with a lingering ‘note’ that smelled like a piggery with a botulism outbreak.

    Any “farts” I’ve released this morning have been over the pot. I’m not taking any chances.

    All have required a light “tamping” with paper due to the presence of oil. It’s like my arse has caught a “fatty” cold.

    I’ve also lined the boxers with a few “sheets” just in case one escapes without prior consent. Again, I’m not taking any chances.

    I wouldn’t mind if this was the result of a heavy drinking session but I’d only got three pints down before I’d left last night. This was coming one way or another, regardless of drink.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Emmett I'm in the same boat myself. Went for a large "Apache Special" the other night and of course, sowed the lot

    Nothing but drizzles since. More concerning is, there's a "slick" of ****ty oily stuff atop The water when I stand up. Don't get me started on smells. Good thing we bought 3 of those air wick things in Euro Giant the other day. I'm thinking of drinking one of them at this stage


  • Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭Obrieski


    Nothing worse than a clinger that won’t drop, no matter the amount of forcing you try, nearly blew a gasket trying to squeeze it out. Go to wipe and a small lump of arse biscuit sits in the paper laughing at you. Wipe for about 10 minutes to clean the hole after it as well. An unsatisfactory shyte if ever there was one


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Even the clean up was, somewhat, clear. Wet and oily but still clear. The “ring hair” is still quite trim so it wasn’t as bad a job as it could have been.

    I'd imagine with the bit of stubble you have down there that the oil provided nice traction?

    Never had any of these oily spoofers you gentlemen are mentioning. Mine are still very mealy. I'm eating walnuts, Brazil nuts and cashews every day, washed down with about forty cups of Maxwell House. No turds. Just big grainy cowpats squeezed out in one long concerted effort. Heavy yokes that foul up the bathroom for thirty minutes afterwards. Rich smell from them which I think is the caffeine.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Emmett I'm in the same boat myself. Went for a large "Apache Special" the other night and of course, sowed the lot

    Nothing but drizzles since. More concerning is, there's a "slick" of ****ty oily stuff atop The water when I stand up. Don't get me started on smells. Good thing we bought 3 of those air wick things in Euro Giant the other day. I'm thinking of drinking one of them at this stage

    Hope things have improved for you today, G. I was back to bunting out “solids” later in the afternoon.

    To get rid of the smell I opened all the windows, sprayed some Fabreeze and tried burning a few different things, including a lock of my own hair, to over power the “spicy meat” stink.

    In the end I decided to overcook a few things in the frying pan and that did the job. Made for a tasty lunch too.

    Sticking with the healthier fare today, won’t be touching any pizza for awhile. Squirting pure spicy oil out your hole for prolonged periods will have that affect on a man, a woman too if she happened to befall such a fate.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Thanks Emmett, but alas, I have zero sense when it comes to the old digestive health.

    Went out for lunch yesterday with the kids, and went to an Eddie Rockets clone, indulging in the half & half onion rings and fries, along with a chilli dog, topped with jalapenos. Oh, and a side of blue cheese sauce.

    The onslaught didn't stop there however, as when i got home, I ate most of the packet of jalapeno & cheese Walkers (the ones they market as beer crisps).

    After coffee no 2 this morning, a cramping took over the mid section, what i'd image felt like Braxton Hicks - this baby was coming early however. I was sure, after all that was taken in yesterday, that i'd be experiencing hot, sour blasts of watery stuff, like squeezing water out of an empty fairy liquid bottle.

    However, there was an extrememly rapid expulsuion of a solid batten of scaldy hot chite. I've been back for a 2nd visit, looser than before, not unlike a jar of jellied eels in consistency and appearance. I don't think i'm done for the day yet.

    Delighted to have acheived solidity after the weekend however, nothing but drizzles. I was wiping the puckered hole that much, i had a little cut on the ridge that runs down the ballbag and mucky bridge, the aul Mason Dixon Line


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,745 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    I think I have sympathy ring burn after reading that one, Gerry.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    You'll need to take care of yourself with the cut Gerry, only top quality toilet paper or wet wipes. You may want to thrust some baby powder up in that general area in the evenings too until it's fully healed.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    Thanks Emmett, but alas, I have zero sense when it comes to the old digestive health.

    Went out for lunch yesterday with the kids, and went to an Eddie Rockets clone, indulging in the half & half onion rings and fries, along with a chilli dog, topped with jalapenos. Oh, and a side of blue cheese sauce.

    Fair play to you, G. Sometimes you have to show your body who’s “boss”. You mightn’t have won this time but there’s no shame in getting beaten “in the ring”.

    I, for one, admire your effort and hopefully you’ll get ‘em next time. But as F said you’d want to look after hole for the next few days.

    The wet wipes are a must but, for environmental reasons, I’d ask you to throw them in a bin and don’t flush them. Even the “flushable” ones aren’t really good for the plumbing or the environment.

    Sudocrem is your friend here, I’d recommend alternating between the “Sudo” and a bit of talc. Don’t use them together. Ever.

    I think I speak for everyone when I say our thoughts and prayers are with you in this most “trying” of times.

    The tide is turning…



  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Appreciate the support guys, and the advice!

    Never let it be said there isn't a good bunch here on Boards


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  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,717 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Sudocream is amateur hour, it's all about Bepanthen cream.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    Sudocream is amateur hour, it's all about Bepanthen cream.

    Sudocrem was created, and is still manufactured, here in Ireland.

    I’ll be sticking to that and won’t be rubbing any of your Burmese tiger “balm” on my hole and I’ll be recommending that others do the same.

    The tide is turning…



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    Sudocrem was created, and is still manufactured, here in Ireland.

    I’ll be sticking to that and won’t be rubbing any of your Burmese tiger “balm” on my hole and I’ll be recommending that others do the same.


    Sudocream is like getting a Lidl tea bag flung at your hoop, with all the healing power of a hope

    Bebanthen is like 100 microscopic nurses blowing mint cooled breaths of air at your throbbing hoop, while gently caressing with gloves made from the soft belly skin of baby Angorra rabbits


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,433 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Sudocream is like getting a Lidl tea bag flung at your hoop, with all the healing power of a hope

    Bebanthen is like 100 microscopic nurses blowing mint cooled breaths of air at your throbbing hoop, while gently caressing with gloves made from the soft belly skin of baby Angorra rabbits

    Obviously, I’m loathed to call either yourself or BoomBap “liars” but you’ll forgive me if I’m not rushing out to rub some cream on my arse with doing my due diligence.

    I don’t want to wind up the butt of some internet “prank”.

    I’ll consult with my partner and see what she says before I go any further. The last thing I want is to be inserting frozen brussels sprouts up into my hole to quell any burning “sensations”.

    The tide is turning…



  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 474 ✭✭Former Observer


    Lads if you've any steroid cream knocking around put a dollop on your pinky finger and give it a whirl around your ring. Lovely tingling sensation that lasts maybe 30 minutes. It does thin the skin though so don't be doing it more than once a week.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,717 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Obviously, I’m loathed to call either yourself or BoomBap “liars” but you’ll forgive me if I’m not rushing out to rub some cream on my arse with doing my due diligence.

    I don’t want to wind up the butt of some internet “prank”.

    I’ll consult with my partner and see what she says before I go any further. The last thing I want is to be inserting frozen brussels sprouts up into my hole to quell any burning “sensations”.


    Understood, but it's not a prank at all.
    Tip of the day, store a small tube of Bepanthen cream in the fridge.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    Lads if you've any steroid cream knocking around put a dollop on your pinky finger and give it a whirl around your ring. Lovely tingling sensation that lasts maybe 30 minutes. It does thin the skin though so don't be doing it more than once a week.

    Be the jaysus, i've a fairly strong ring as it is, but applying steroid creme? It'd be like hopping an amplifier onto a jumbo jet exhaust!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    Boom_Bap wrote: »
    Understood, but it's not a prank at all.
    Tip of the day, store a small tube of Bepanthen cream in the fridge.

    Small steps BB


  • Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,717 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    Small steps BB


    Go straight to getting a fridge in your bathroom to stock with toilet paper and Bepanthen cream.....or steroid cream if you're on the extreme tingle end of things.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,936 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Lookit, personally I would steer clear of Sudo and Beph, any time I use them I find there is ‘pushback’ from ‘the muzzle ‘ in the shape of angry reddning and weeping skin also itchy and irritated on the shady side of the nutpurse.

    Savlon and Caldescene powder are my ‘go to’ now,when there is trouble in the batterbox area.

    Much less harsh in my opinion to those delicate areas.


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