Kids

pwurple · 12-11-2019 6:28pm

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Someone meeting their partner later in life doesn't make them some second rate, defective being who doesn't deserve children.

Ahem. What an odd projection on your part. Defective? Undeserving? Really? That's what you read?

I said nothing above that isn't true. It is in no way scaremongering to state the simple facts. We all have friends who had their kids in their 40's, some are absolutely fine, but some of them are also dealing with issues ranging from minor to severe. Cleft palates, autism, downs, and all sorts of other issues. Anyone who thinks those risks aren't there is either uninformed, or codding themselves.

Yes, absolutely it doesn't happen for everyone, real life gets in the way. It is no judgement, it is just how things go.

Every possible scenario happens, by fluke or by intention.
You want a family and it happens
You want a family and it doesn't
You don't want a family and you don't have one
You don't want a family and you end up with one.

Dressing it up and softening this... will this help her to make a decision. She has a choice here. She can stay, with a man who doesn't want a family, or she can take a chance at finding someone else who shares her outlook.

The OP's girlfriend apparently isn't seeing that she is making a choice by staying with him. It's the chat I'd be having with her, if I was her friend or boyfriend. It's time to make a decision.

I'm suggesting they try to put aside the feelings (not easy I know), and make the decision based on the facts in front of them. No different to what the huge majority in here are saying by the way.

wiggle16 · 12-11-2019 6:45pm

Mod:

Okay, that's enough back and forth.

We're getting off topic here. As soupandpoitin and others have pointed out, OP's partner's fertility is irrelevant, because he does not want children - so it's not his concern.

Please have constructive advice for the OP when you post.

lozenges · 12-11-2019 8:15pm

Stheno wrote: »

This is a deal breaker for me. As the oldest of a very large family I never wanted children and got married on that understanding.

9 years later the marriage broke up as my then partner could not cope with not having kids.

Tread carefully here if I could turn back time I would.

I read stories like this - yourself and Dial Hard - and it freaks me out a bit. I'm a 29 yo woman, have never wanted kids. I'm with a guy around the same age, we are living together and have discussed marriage. I've spoken to him several times about the fact that I'm as sure as I can be that I don't ever want kids. He had assumed that he would have some at some point but never really thought too much about it, and reassures me that he doesn't feel strongly about it.
I really hope he doesn't change his mind in years to come. I hate the idea of being pregnant, labour, the social isolation of minding a small child at home.

Anyway - advice for OP! You guys both want different things. That's not anyone's fault, but the fair thing to do is break up. If she does want kids it's only going to get more difficult for her to conceive as she gets older. It does sound like she's hanging on hoping you might change your mind, which is not fair on you either as you've thought about it and given her a consistent response.

whiskeyman · 12-11-2019 11:03pm

OP, you say you 'never had a strong desire' and your 'heart isn't in it'.

I felt the same and I would reckon a lot of men before they became father's felt the same. I was never good with kids and never saw myself as a father.
I'm now a Dad and can't imagine not being one.

I really think you need to think, and think fast if you really really don't want children.
Theres no denying it's a massive sacrifice and it's tested our relationship, but it brings so much more.

Best of luck to you both.

Time really is ticking.

strandroad · 12-11-2019 11:28pm

Regular Poster wrote: »

She got upset and distant at times. She has swung between ending the relationship and other non-runner ideas for me (adoption, fostering etc) and at the same time sometimes seeming okay with it. i.e. all over the place with her emotions and decision making on this.

I love her a lot. She says she loves me a lot. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship that has felt this good. We are living together and it is going really well. There really is 1 and 1 only issue, but obviously a very serious one.

She's trying to deal with an impossible situation; that she found real love with you but to keep it she must give up on her dream to have children. There is no compromise, you both feel what you feel and are entitled to it.

She might even choose you now, but I can't see it ending well. Families are everywhere and at every turn she would be reminded of what she's missing. It messes people up even if they can't have children for medical reasons; for her it would be even harder since it would be by her own choice.

It would be kind to make her see it; she still has a chance at love and children with someone else.

frillyleaf · 13-11-2019 2:36am

leggo wrote: »

It’s not his duty to compromise on something so fundamental and life-changing for her benefit though. Not having children is a perfectly valid life option and this exact post could also be put to his partner. And it’s a terrible idea to have a child for the sake of satiating a partner. The priority in a decision like this should be the child and, ideally, that should come from a position of a couple loving each other and wanting to bring a child into the world. At the end of the day, it would be preferable for this couple to break up and have their feelings hurt for a while to bringing a child that one person very clearly doesn’t want into the scenario.

OP you’ve been honest and admirable in standing over your convictions here. There’s just nowhere to go here. You don’t want it, that’s fine. When push came to shove, she decided she did, that’s also fine. But the two feelings aren’t compatible and that, sadly, is that.

Yes exactly, If they stay together she may resent him for not having children. There isn’t any compromise on this if he is 100% sure he doesn’t want them. That’s why I asked what his reasons where and that he’d need to think about it and decide what to do

dartboardio · 13-11-2019 2:43am

No room for compromise there id say OP.

I am a woman, and grew up as an only child, probably a huge factor as to why I do eventually want kids.

To be honest I'd love three or four! My house was so quiet growing up, just me or my mum would be there at any given time. So I'd love a bit of a mad house..
I'm only 21 now so it'll be a while yet before I'd even consider it. Minimum ideally 28 onwards, obviously thinks don't always work out ideal though.
Im in a long term relationship and although my boyfriend isn't keen on kids he does eventually want them.

It would be a deal breaker for me if my partner wouldn't budge, I always think, I would hate to be left alone at 80 years old with no children or grandchildren around me at Christmas time, etc. (not the only reason but you get my drift)

Especially for me because I'm an only child so I'll never be an auntie (which is kinda crazy) so if I don't have children then I'll literally have no close family around whatsoever when my mum, dad, aunt and uncle,, and the rest pass on.

And actually, to previous poster, no, this chat shouldn't have been had a decade ago, my aunt was in this very position recently, she met a guy about 2 years ago, and they settled down really fast same ages and all 37+39, she gave birth to a beautiful daughter there last week.

leggo · 13-11-2019 9:04am

frillyleaf wrote: »

Yes exactly, If they stay together she may resent him for not having children. There isn’t any compromise on this if he is 100% sure he doesn’t want them. That’s why I asked what his reasons where and that he’d need to think about it and decide what to do

You’re still putting it as incumbent upon him to change though. She could also change her stance. By wanting kids, in fact, it’s her that’s asking them to change the nature of the relationship that they both signed up to.

It’s okay for two people to just have opposing viewpoints that aren’t compatible. It’s unhealthy to have that expectancy of change. OP has thought about it and decided that this is what he wants, he knows the consequences and still decided that. I feel like I say this every few posts on here but you can’t just keep going back to someone and asking them the same question in the hopes you get the answer you want. His partner asked the question, she asked for change, so she’ll have to eventually accept the answer and decide where to go. OP is under no obligation to keep evaluating this and reaching the same conclusion, his feelings are totally valid.

Daisy78 · 13-11-2019 9:20am

leggo wrote: »

You’re still putting it as incumbent upon him to change though. She could also change her stance. By wanting kids, in fact, it’s her that’s asking them to change the nature of the relationship that they both signed up to.

It’s okay for two people to just have opposing viewpoints that aren’t compatible. It’s unhealthy to have that expectancy of change. OP has thought about it and decided that this is what he wants, he knows the consequences and still decided that. I feel like I say this every few posts on here but you can’t just keep going back to someone and asking them the same question in the hopes you get the answer you want. His partner asked the question, she asked for change, so she’ll have to eventually accept the answer and decide where to go. OP is under no obligation to keep evaluating this and reaching the same conclusion, his feelings are totally valid.

He doesn’t want kids, fair enough. But I’m guessing there will be a lot of resentment on her part which doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. I don’t think this will last to be honest, if she feels hard done by that’s not a good basis for a relationship.

leggo · 13-11-2019 9:31am

And if she chooses to stay in the relationship, that resentment is on her because that’s the choice she’s made. OP has been honest from the get-go and not misled her in the slightest.

zapper55 · 13-11-2019 10:59am

I suspect she's hoping you'll change your mind OP..I think you need to really spell it out to her that you won't.

Daisy78 · 13-11-2019 12:45pm

leggo wrote: »

And if she chooses to stay in the relationship, that resentment is on her because that’s the choice she’s made. OP has been honest from the get-go and not misled her in the slightest.

Oh absolutely, agreed. That’s why I think she should break up with him.

SAMTALK · 13-11-2019 1:45pm

It amazes me when I see posts from people saying I never wanted kids but it happened and now its the best thing that could have happened.

What happens if OP has kids just to keep girlfriend happy and then realises he was right all along and doesnt want kids.
The resentment will be awful.
The same way as your girlfriend will probably resent you if you stay together and she agrees not to have kids.

I think it probably signals the end of the relationship to be honest.

There is nothing wrong with standing by what you feel. At the start you said maybe but that does not mean yes !

TheBoyConor · 13-11-2019 3:35pm

dartboardio wrote: »

..............
I'm only 21 now so it'll be a while yet before I'd even consider it. Minimum ideally 28 onwards, obviously thinks don't always work out ideal though.
Im in a long term relationship and although my boyfriend isn't keen on kids he does eventually want them. ..............

Goodness, ye are only hardly more than kids yerselves like. At 21 this sort of thing about having kids normally shouldn't be even crossing your mind. Plenty years ahead for thinking about that kinda thing.

ILoveYourVibes · 13-11-2019 4:47pm

You should set her free.

Neither of you will be happy. She will always long for kids. You will feel guilty about not having them.

Break up with her. In a loving way. Its best for both of you.

Tell her you will never want a child. Tell her she deserves a man who loves her and can be a good father.

You deserve someone who wants what you want.

All the best op.

You know you have to break up with her though.

shesty · 13-11-2019 4:56pm

Yeah agree with the last poster.You don't want kids, she clearly does.On some level.I mean I could tell you how hard and yet amazing it is to have kids, but i don"t think you are looking for us to change your mind.I don't see any other solution here OP, other than breaking up.

TheBoyConor · 13-11-2019 6:09pm

Writing is on the wall here OP. I think 9/10 people on the threat have advised ye to break up. Better just get it over with and cut her loose as soon as you can.

Nothing else for it.

dartboardio · 13-11-2019 8:55pm

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Goodness, ye are only hardly more than kids yerselves like. At 21 this sort of thing about having kids normally shouldn't be even crossing your mind. Plenty years ahead for thinking about that kinda thing.

Thats a fairly umbrella statement, that really depends on how mature the 21 year old is I'd say!

I know 21 year olds that still depend on their parents, for everything, down to ringing about an appointment

It crosses my mind, not having kids, but when in my life I'd be open to having them.

I had a termination at 19 (tmi?) so yes, it is something that crosses my mind every so often, despite being 21!

But I agree with you, I'm 21, should be out going wild, not even talking about this kind of thing!

Homelander · 14-11-2019 10:57am

Think there is an onus on the guy in this scenario to pull off the plaster. While he's been fair and consistent, at the end of the day it very much sounds like his partner is struggling extremely badly, and likely clinging onto a vague hope of a changed mind.

The relationship is over at this point. It would be a cruelty to keep it going on the man's part.

TheBoyConor · 14-11-2019 11:10am

Exactly. The "stop! stop! it's already dead!" scene from the Simpsons springs to mind.

Smile111 · 18-11-2019 8:39am

Hi,

Unfortunately you said maybe on your profile where as you should have said "do not want kids ".
She in hindsight should have said "want kids "
I understand it was just a form but I think it's best to be honest especially if you know what you want.

I don't want kids and also put "don't want kids" on profile.
It saves a lot of time.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who can't understand this but you only need to talk to the ones who do.

I also was in a relationship a long time ago where my opinion was the same .He however thought I would change my mind.

I thankfully did not marry him.
I think op you know what you want in your heart yourself.

Good luck with it all.

Western Lowland Gorilla · 18-11-2019 9:44pm

Is there a good argument for a vasectomy in this situation if you have really made up your mind?

Apparently condoms have a failure rate of 3 in 100 and even the pill has a failure rate of 1 in 100.

LegacyUser · 19-11-2019 1:00pm

There's no point in people saying oh she should break up with you, she's not on here looking for advice, the OP is.

Yes they should end the relationship.
She should end it because she wants kids.
But he should also end it if he loves this girl, because he knows he won't give her what she wants, it's not going to be a happy relationship in the long run.

If you care about her and love her then end it.

I'm early 30s and female with kids but 100% sure that I'm not having any more kids, I'm not dating at the moment but when I do I'm planning on only dating men who already have kids, to avoid some kind of similar situation. It must be awful to have to break up over something like that when you both love each other, but unfortunately it's for the best.

Piper101 · 19-11-2019 3:33pm

LuciX wrote: »

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down

You were honest from the beginning. Don't feel bad!
Give her what she wants and you will be miserable living a life that you did not want to settle for. She made a decision to stay with you after you were clear on your 0 desire to have children. She can't guilty trip you now.

Been there, done that and man, I do regret my decision big time! That's not the sort of subject you can compromise on.

Your attitude is not strange at all! There are tons of men and women who live perfectly happy lives without children. :cool:

She thinks it will not significantly affect your life :eek: Is she mentally challenged? I mean, really! Send her to the parenting forum. Or separation and divorce - see how many people grew apart after having a child.

From sleep deprivation to the cost of raising a child, lack of us time. Your life will change forever!

Strange is to bring a child into the world when you are not ready or worse, just to please someone.

WHAT??? at that age you have to have the children talk and even have them early in a relationship. You don't biologically have time to wait any longer...

AulWan · 19-11-2019 4:34pm

Sadly, I agree with the overall concensus here. There really is no compromise in this situation, and one of you is only going to end up resenting the other.

If you haven't done it already, I think given how your partner has gone back and forth, you'll have to be the one to finally call and end to this relationship, OP.

It is the kindest thing for both of you, in the end, as time is running out for your partner to meet someone else to have a family with.

Kids

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