How can I make things right?

jjj12345 · 10-11-2019 11:49pm #1

I have been seeing a guy for almost a year now. Over this time we got very close and he told me he loves me, I love him too. In addition he has been a great support to me. We have slept together a few times and he always wanted more but I always said no as I wasn’t ready (had a bad experience with last boyfriend) and I wanted to be free for a while. During the summer I did go on a few dates with another guy which I told him about as I wanted to be honest with him. He also went on dates and slept with another girl. It really hurt him at the time. I stopped seeing other guy over a month ago. I have been giving him my time past few weeks and have approached the subject of us entering a relationship but now he is saying he doesn’t want one and wants us to be friends, remain close and told me I was free to move on. Last week I was in touch with the guy i stopped seeing two months ago and this person ended up hurting me so when I was upset I ended up telling him why. now he wants nothing to do with me told me to leave him alone blocked me and said he wants nothing to do with me ever again. I am devastated. He told me he didnt want me romantically, to move on and when I do he cuts me off. How can I make this situation right? I genuinely love him and want a future with him

cannotlogin · 10-11-2019 11:54pm

You can't make it right.

Unfortunately, most of the time we have to take opportunities when they come our way or risk losing out on those opportunities.

It sucks & totally hurts to meet the right person at the wrong time but the risk is that if you wait, they will have moved on.

I know you're upset but you had your chance and he's not giving you a second one.

wirelessdude01 · 11-11-2019 12:21am

You had your chance and didn't take it. Just gonna have to deal with it and move on.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:24am

I had a chance months ago but was not in a fit state for relationship he even agreed with me that I wasnt. But how is this fair that he tells me to move on and that he wants us to be friends and when i do then he cuts everything off and tells me he doesnt want to see me again or speak to me again?

LuciX · 11-11-2019 12:32am

jjj12345 wrote: »

But how is this fair that he tells me to move on and that he wants us to be friends and when i do then he cuts everything off and tells me he doesnt want to see me again or speak to me again?

He owes you nothing.

I am devastated... &#55357;&#56900; Grow up!

There are people receiving cancer diagnostics on a daily basis, people going through motor and neurological diseases that will impact their quality of life forever. That's devastating!

Don't play 2 men if you can't deal with the after match #hkr

Bunny Colvin · 11-11-2019 12:36am

You went off with another lad instead of him. He can't be that great in your eyes and he's entitled to move on from you.

wirelessdude01 · 11-11-2019 12:37am

jjj12345 wrote: »

I had a chance months ago but was not in a fit state for relationship he even agreed with me that I wasnt. But how is this fair that he tells me to move on and that he wants us to be friends and when i do then he cuts everything off and tells me he doesnt want to see me again or speak to me again?

You played two men off against one another. When one rejected you, you went back to the other who in turn rejected you. You are just gonna have to be a grown up about it and move on like they have told you to.

If a man started a thread with these details of how he treated women like this he would be eaten alive.

Pmacv1 · 11-11-2019 12:41am

jjj12345 wrote: »

I had a chance months ago but was not in a fit state for relationship he even agreed with me that I wasnt. But how is this fair that he tells me to move on and that he wants us to be friends and when i do then he cuts everything off and tells me he doesnt want to see me again or speak to me again?

Tough. I once was crazy about a chick who wasn't ready for a serious commitment, so I stopped seeing her. Six months later, after she played the field, she was ready to "accept" me. I told her to hop it. Learn from it, don't let good guys slip through your fingers.

Wesser · 11-11-2019 12:42am

If you loved him... like you said in the first line... why didnt you commit to him instead of looking for someone else.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:44am

Wesser wrote: »

If you loved him... like you said in the first line... why didnt you commit to him instead of looking for someone else.

I wanted to i have asked him for a relationship and to work towards a relationship, when he said no and told me to move on... I did. I wanted something serious with him not with the other guy. I was rejected, hurt, I wanted an ego boost some attention, im human whats wrong with that? I didnt sleep with him just text him..

bitofabind · 11-11-2019 12:45am

“Let’s be friends” is the oldest cliche in the book. It’s the easiest way to end things in a friendly way without having to deal with conflict or confrontation.

This man quite rightly has had enough and is asserting his boundaries, that’s a healthy thing for him to do. You weren’t able to give him what he needed so he pulled his guard up and moved on.

What you’re dealing with now is the fallout of your ego having to deal with two men you thought were interested suddenly rejecting you and that’s what you’re reacting to. It’s not really about him, or them.

My advice is to respect this man’s wishes and need to cut you off, and move on.

ETA: saw your latest post. There’s a lot wrong with using someone for an ego boost actually. It’s immature and selfish, it solves nothing and it hurts people. A more mature response to rejection would be to talk to a friend about it, practise self care, treat yourself kindly and don’t just pull someone else into your life impulsively for some instant gratification. That’s what addicts do. In this case it clearly backfired anyway so I’d suggest learning a lesson here as you move on.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:45am

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

You went off with another lad instead of him. He can't be that great in your eyes and he's entitled to move on from you.

I actually didnt, read again.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:46am

also during the time I told him I didnt want a relationship, we both made an agreement that we could see others and if we did we told each other about it. And he also started dating another girl

Bunny Colvin · 11-11-2019 1:03am

jjj12345 wrote: »

I actually didnt, read again.

You did actually:

"he always wanted more but I always said no as I wasn’t ready (had a bad experience with last boyfriend) and I wanted to be free for a while. During the summer I did go on a few dates with another guy which I told him about as I wanted to be honest with him."

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 1:24am

we were in agreement at the time that we wouldn't enter relationship and would be free to see other people, as we BOTH did

wirelessdude01 · 11-11-2019 8:40am

jjj12345 wrote: »

we were in agreement at the time that we wouldn't enter relationship and would be free to see other people, as we BOTH did

But you yourself acknowledged on here that he actually did want more. He probably just agreed with you in the hope that you would see sense which you did in the end but not before he grew tired of your antics of playing people off against each other. This is what playing the field achieves. Learn your lesson and move on as both of your men have done. They obviously didn't like the way you treated them and decided they could have better relationships elsewhere.

11-11-2019 11:58am

How is this fair? It doesn't need to be fair. It is what it is. You are two people who liked each other, him more than you in the beginning, then you made a deal to both explore other options and when your feelings came round to liking him in the way he had originally liked you - his had changed. Whatever your reasons for wanting to be free etc. don't really matter - he doesn't want a relationship with you now. You can't make things 'right'.

osarusan · 11-11-2019 12:04pm

At the time he was interested in a relationship with you, you weren't ready.

By the time you were ready, he wasn't interested any more.

The way it was set up, with both of you needing to tell the other if you went on a date with a third person, sounds like a recipe for disaster anyway.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:55pm

Deleted User wrote: »

You are two people who liked each other, him more than you in the beginning, then you made a deal to both explore other options and when your feelings came round to liking him in the way he had originally liked you - his had changed.

Yes and I accept that. When he wanted it I didnt i let him go he moved on dated another girl but I didnt react like this. now the tables have turned I wanted it he said no told me to move on and when I do then he tells me he wants nothing to do with me and abuses me in text messages and blocks me? How is THAT fair? Pot kettle black? How can he reject me let me go then behave like this? Why is it all down on me now for moving on after I was the one rejected, am i not allowed have a life too? Im sure some posters have behaved in the same way, go out and text someone or meet someone after being rejected is it not normal to want an ego boost? I didnt even sleep with the guy ffs

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 12:57pm

osarusan wrote: »

At the time he was interested in a relationship with you, you weren't ready.

By the time you were ready, he wasn't interested any more.

That is fair enough that is not my issue. My issue is his behaviour now abusing me by texts and blocking me telling me he wants nothing to do with me because I text another guy after HE told me to move on and he wanted to be friends. Like what am I supposed to do sit at home and feel sorry for myself? Its not exactly the most uncommon thing to do. Hes hurt yes of course he is but cutting me off because of it? I mean, if he really loved me would he really be cutting me off over that?

valoren · 11-11-2019 1:05pm

Trying to follow the narrative.

You said you were dating a guy and not in a committed relationship. The guy tells you that he loves you, clearly wants to progress to an exclusive relationship. You say you love him too. Not sure if you actually told him this or not but he was explicit about it. You said you wanted to be free to see other people, you've been hurt before. You rejected him.

It was your prerogative to not commit but to the guy it was a blow to his chances and he presumably felt like a fool for even saying he loved you. Instead of flat out ending it, you made him feel like a 'reserve'.

If you wanted to be free then you should have told him you weren't interested. Your keeping him on the back burner was what inevitably made him lose interest and ultimately it came back to bite you. Could you not have remained in a relationship with him until you were able to determine if you felt ready? He wouldn't have been sleeping with other women if that was the case. He wouldn't be hurt to see you dating while keeping him on the back burner. Why the whole "we can see other people but not get into a relationship with them" nonsense?

Nobody wants to feel like their partner is settling for them. He knew you went on a few dates, knew you were actively looking for someone else. Specifically someone who wasn't him.

You said it hurt him to see that. How was he to know that it wouldn't have worked out despite your mutual agreement to not enter a relationship with the other guy? That's not healthy and when you eventually decided you were ready, he'd had the time to process everything and decided he just wasn't interested. That's his prerogative. He had the tact to let you know you were free to see other people but he just wanted to remain friends. You contacted the other guy, got burned and then used the guy who said he loved you as a shoulder to cry on. Understand that he doesn't want to be the guy whose shoulder you cry on and with that in mind he angrily cut it off. What he is now doing is cutting ties completely. If he comes off as a angry, abusive then try and see why he would feel pissed off.

11-11-2019 1:14pm

jjj12345 wrote: »

Yes and I accept that. When he wanted it I didnt i let him go he moved on dated another girl but I didnt react like this. now the tables have turned I wanted it he said no told me to move on and when I do then he tells me he wants nothing to do with me and abuses me in text messages and blocks me? How is THAT fair? Pot kettle black? How can he reject me let me go then behave like this? Why is it all down on me now for moving on after I was the one rejected, am i not allowed have a life too? Im sure some posters have behaved in the same way, go out and text someone or meet someone after being rejected is it not normal to want an ego boost? I didnt even sleep with the guy ffs

You are letting the why and how of this consume you when the reality is he can do whatever he wants and feel whatever he feels and whether it's right or fair or whatever is immaterial. He is doing what he is doing because he can, and because it's what he wants to do. You will tie yourself up in knots trying to negotiate it out in your mind but I think you're doing that to deflect from the fact that your choices didn't work out and where you are now is largely your own fault. You need to own that, accept he can do whatever he likes, and move on. Even if it is easier to focus on his behaviour and what you think he's doing wrong.

skallywag · 11-11-2019 1:51pm

So to put it in a nutshell, this chap wanted you to be his girlfriend, whereas you did not want this.

You then went out with another lad and it did not work out.

Now you have returned to the first lad telling him that you want more than something casual.

Do I have this correct? To be blunt, if this is really the case then I would most certainly be acting in the same away and would immediately kick you into touch. I do not think that he is being unreasonable, in any way, and you should now give him the basic respect of leaving him be.

I am sorry if it comes across as harsh OP, but you have dug your own grave on this one. I can only assume that you are very young, so take a lesson from it for the future.

jjj12345 · 11-11-2019 2:09pm

skallywag wrote: »

So to put it in a nutshell, this chap wanted you to be his girlfriend, whereas you did not want this.

You then went out with another lad and it did not work out.

Now you have returned to the first lad telling him that you want more than something casual.

Do I have this correct? To be blunt, if this is really the case then I would most certainly be acting in the same away and would immediately kick you into touch. I do not think that he is being unreasonable, in any way, and you should now give him the basic respect of leaving him be.

I am sorry if it comes across as harsh OP, but you have dug your own grave on this one. I can only assume that you are very young, so take a lesson from it for the future.

He wanted me as a gf and I said no I wasnt in the frame of mind he agreed and met another girl. I let him be. We stay close friendly meeting etc. I met a guy twice it was nothing serious he knew about it I still met him as a friend etc. and continued to see him as a friend and hang out.In past few weeks I approached subject of rel.. weeks after I stopped seeing other guy. He said no he wanted to be friends and told me to move on I was free etc. We still met every week spoke every day etc and he continually told me to move on, so I text another guy for an ego boost thats all. My feelings lie with this guy. He is also texting his ex and other girls, he doesnt meet them (to my knowledge) but he is still in communication. Yes I admit I had my chance and I was wrong and a little b**** but there is a small part here that isnt fair in that everything I done he done and hes not exactly innocent either. Please bear in mind we were NEVER in a relationship, we just saw each other mainly as friends for the past year

ManOfMystery · 11-11-2019 2:31pm

jjj12345 wrote: »

Please bear in mind we were NEVER in a relationship, we just saw each other mainly as friends for the past year

.... which makes it all the harder to swallow the "I am devastated" comment.

Everyone has pretty much spelt it out already. You couldn't give conclusive answers to him, then did a 180, and now it's all gone a bit wrong. Is he behaving decently now? Maybe not, but he owes you nothing. Life isn't fair - a lot of the time - and I don't think you're going to find any rational response here that's going to satisfy you.

Move on, put it behind you, and next time try and remember that the people you enter into relationships with - be they platonic or not -are individuals too, and not just there to provide an ego boost or wait around for you to decide how you feel.

wiggle16 · 11-11-2019 3:10pm

There's nothing to make right. He can make his own choices, he owes you nothing and he's not interested.

Your attitide is very entitled to be honest and you're being very self involved. There's no need for it. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

bitofabind · 11-11-2019 3:48pm

So to be clear on this because your posts are all over the place.

After you rejected him, you remained friends and dated other people. Then you came back and said you wanted a relationship with him. He said "no but let's be friends", you felt hurt and went off to get your little ego boost from another man, that backfired, and you came back to the guy you "love" for a shoulder to cry on? Is that correct?

Why is it one rule for him and another for you? As in, you're allowed to respond selfishly and immaturely to rejection - i.e run off to another man and come back to him for comfort. But him feeling rejected and wanting nothing to do with your games is unacceptable?

You can talk around the ins and outs of this til the cows come home, but the facts won't change - he's not interested and he's tiring of you and wants to get some space. That's the bottom line and it won't change no matter who is "right" or "wrong" or what's fair or unfair here.

skallywag · 11-11-2019 3:48pm

I am afraid that the damage is now done OP, and cannot be undone. If I was him I would be assuming that you see me as a stepping stone or some sort of middle-ground, but that you will always be on the look out for someone who you prefer.

11-11-2019 3:53pm

Things were so much simpler when I was dating back in the late 80s. If you wanted some fun you went out and got it on a once off basis.

If you were dating someone on the regular and you went after someone else, it was cheating, and you got dumped - unless the guy was a total fool. A far better system than this noncommittal nonsense that goes on now. If you are only so-so about a relationship, how do you expect a guy to be any different?

wirelessdude01 · 11-11-2019 5:33pm

Look OP you can't blame him for what happened. You come across as very entitled and that he should just jump when you say so. This isn't a friendship and to be honest if I was the lad and based on the way you have painted things on here I'd be steering well clear as well.

With regards to yourself I think you really need to look at yourself to see what makes you happy. Without being happy in yourself then you can't be happy in a relationship. You seem to like sabatoging things and then blaming other parties involved. You are in charge of your own conduct

eviltwin · 11-11-2019 5:45pm

It sounds like he's made up his mind. I do sympathise with you because it's a horrible feeling but you can't make someone who doesn't want to be with you change their mind. No one here can help you get him back. I think you should respect his decision and move on from him now and learn from this that you can't play with people in this manner.

How can I make things right?

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