8 year old boy with problems

LegacyUser · 19-06-2019 9:50am #1

Hi, hoping to get some advice here, or see if what's happening with us is something others have experienced also.

Our 8-year old boy, who, up until a few months ago, was perfectly happy, well-adjusted, etc, has become very childlike, indecisive, easily-frustrated and angry.

This is something that can come and go very quickly - one minute he will be crying or angry, and the next minute, back to normal. Large periods of each day are still full of him being happy and playing, and then it will all change for a few minutes, then back again.

Let me give an example. On Father's Day, he had baked his dad some biscuits, and his older sister had baked some brownies. For dessert, we said they could choose what they wanted, either a square of brownie, or a biscuit. This simple decision threw him completely, and you would think the whole world depended on it. Tears, shouting that he didn't know which to choose, and when he did choose, he instantly wanted to change, with more tears and anger.

The same with his jacket - he asked should he bring one to school, and we said he could if he wanted but it wasn't cold or wet, and the same thing happened..lots of tears and saying he didn't know what to do. And the same with TV - he got a reward for cleaning up his room a bit and couldn't decide which channel to watch (this cartoon or that cartoon) and had a meltdown.

He is learning a musical instrument (his choice) and has become a real perfectionist - everything he plays has to be just perfect or he has to do it all again right from the start. But he will never get it perfect, and isn't expected to get it perfect at all. His dad is not a native English speaker so he spends a few minutes each day reading in that language, and he also has to complete a brief diary entry each day. Just a couple of line about what he did yesterday, nothing special, just writing practice and keep the language in his head. But he wants to write long complex sentences that he cannot do, and insists on doing them perfectly, even though it's impossible for him, and so there are loads of tears and anger and it takes forever.

Another issue is that he will ask for ridiculous things, such as staying up until midnight to watch a DVD, and when we say No, he will clench his fists, kind of clench his jaw also, and stamp off upstairs. This clenched fists and clenched jaw will happen for almost anything he can't have. We were out over the weekend and got a bag of 4 doughnuts, one for each of us, and he said he wanted all four, and when we said we would get one each, it happened again.

I've already contacted his teacher in school to see if she has noticed a change in behaviour, and she said she had, and it sounds similar to what is happening at home, but less pronounced by the looks of it. She couldn't identify anything at school that might have caused this - he didn't lose any friends, he isn't being bullied and so in. I am sure she wonders if there is some big problem happening at home that has caused his change in behaviour, but we can't identify one at home either.

We've tried talking to him about it, but he just says that he doesn't know why he feels that way, and can't say anything beyond that.

So I'm hoping that somebody will have advice on how to deal with it, or maybe can share their experiences of going through something similar with their own son/child, and how they got through it.

Neyite · 19-06-2019 4:42pm

I would probably rule out anything medical - so maybe get hormones checked or stuff like that.

I wouldn't rule out bullying though as it might take a while for a child to admit that something is happening to them to you and denials at first can be common. There might be nothing at home but is there anyone /anything in the wider family that happened roughly around when his demeanour changed? I'd be looking at that too.

Hate to say it but have you had a chat about child safety such as the pants rule?

lazygal · 19-06-2019 6:31pm

I wouldn't rule out bullying either. It's the first thing I thought of reading this.

One eyed Jack · 19-06-2019 9:46pm

I could actually relate to everything in your post having gone through exactly the same thing with my own son, including the constant mood swings and meltdowns, right down to this -

8yearoldwithproblems wrote: »

Another issue is that he will ask for ridiculous things, such as staying up until midnight to watch a DVD, and when we say No, he will clench his fists, kind of clench his jaw also, and stamp off upstairs. This clenched fists and clenched jaw will happen for almost anything he can't have.

And all I can suggest is you nip that aggression in the bud and quickly. Pull him up on it every time, because it escalates before it gets better.

I can’t determine exactly what’s causing the attitude and behaviours with your child, and I won’t even hazard a guess tbh as there’s not nearly enough information to go on in your opening post. I found with our son though that he could actually control his behaviour and like your son he was able to control it under specific conditions, and lashed out under specific conditions too. He was basically pushing his boundaries and it was like an early onset of puberty where he’d more testosterone than he knew what to do with. He has always been competitive, but this was a whole other level of needed to be the best at everything he did altogether. It was compulsive and mentally exhausting for him.

I don’t know how much advice I can give you really as from your opening post it’s obvious to me at least that we have very different parenting styles, and so how you cope with your sons behaviours and attitudes is going to be different than how I coped or my wife who would be different to me again coped with his behaviour. It sounds to me though like it might be no harm as Neyite suggested to take him for a check up and have a word with your GP about his development and his behaviour, and see what advice they give you (could even be as simple as a change in his diet, less sugar, etc).

But yeah at 14 now our son is far more mellowed out and not aggressive at all, more like the placid child he was when he was younger, more communicative, and easier to talk to because he doesn’t fly off the handle like he used to or storm off slamming doors when he realised he wasn’t going to have something his own way. For us it was just a case of dealing with it as best we could and refuse to tolerate his behaviour. Eventually he has managed to cop himself on and has settled down a lot more. It’s not great advice but all I can suggest is that you both as his parents keep on top of it and don’t let it escalate.

Ours is an only child btw so the thing I’d be worried about in your circumstances is how your other child feels about the whole thing. I don’t imagine it’s easy for her either so that’s something you’ll need to keep an eye on too, how his sister is being affected by what she might imagine is her brother getting more attention than he deserves when his behaviour is inappropriate.

meeeeh · 19-06-2019 10:09pm

Recently another developmental phase was 'discovered' for boys and it happens around age of 8. It affects mostly boys. I heard it mentioned years ago on Moncrieff parenting section when our son was 8. It explained a lot. This is the link I found about it, you might want to do more digging.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.smh.com.au/national/early-puberty-hormones-and-behaviour-linked-in-primary-school-boys-20151203-gleom6.html

Our son was the biggest drama queen on the planet at that age and we had plenty of meltdowns but he certainly did not try to be perfect at his work. If the reactions are very strong you might want to talk to a gp or someone dealing with developmental issues in children just to make sure there are no other reasons for your son's reactions. However excessively emotional reactions are not unusual and it our case they were gone fairly quickly and our sensitive 8 year old quickly became a smart arsed 10 year old.

LegacyUser · 20-06-2019 9:50am

Hi again, thanks for the replies.

He was fine most of yesterday, until it came time for music practice, and then he couldn't get one piece right, and was just doing it over and over and over again, insisting he could do it and would keep going until he got it right.

Then at bed time, we always give him a hug goodnight, and then he wanted another hug, and then to be tucked in, and then he got out of bed for something and so he needed another hug, and so on.

This morning he was fine, until it came time for school, and he didn't want to go in at all, running back to me crying. But yesterday he went into school ok, and when I was there during the day to see his older sister doing a performance, he was playing in the yard happily.

With only a week of school left, we will have the summer to see if he changes much when there is no school to go to.

That newly-discovered condition sounds like like what he is going through, although I'm always wary of diagnosing stuff over the internet.

how would I even go about getting his hormones checked?

Neyite · 20-06-2019 10:17am

Hormones are generally checked by a blood test.

The other thing to consider is that this time of year I see my own 7yo and his cousins are a bit rattier than usual and it's down to it being the home stretch of the school year and the holidays within sight. They are tired and crabby, so when school is out and his routine changes for the summer you might find him back to his old sunny self. Hopefully.

It's only a weeks or so until then. I'd probably wait and see if there's changes in his mood and if not then I'd be probably check out other potential reasons.

happywithlife · 20-06-2019 1:06pm

As a teacher I'd wonder has he been masking an underlying condition until now? For example its common enough for girls to present with Asperger's Syndrome at around this age. How is he socially? Has he met all his milestones to date? Its just another aspect/angle to consider. Maybe have a good chat with teacher as they finish up as they'll have observed him over the past year.

LegacyUser · 21-06-2019 10:00am

happywithlife wrote: »

As a teacher I'd wonder has he been masking an underlying condition until now? For example its common enough for girls to present with Asperger's Syndrome at around this age. How is he socially? Has he met all his milestones to date? Its just another aspect/angle to consider. Maybe have a good chat with teacher as they finish up as they'll have observed him over the past year.

Until a couple of months ago, everything was perfectly normal. Met all his milestones, active, socially fine.

And most of the time he still is, he will come home after school and want to go out and play with his friends, and be absolutely fine with them.

He has just become incredibly easily frustrated, incredibly anxious, incredibly indecisive, about certain things. And is developing what, with younger kids at least, we would call a real separation anxiety, too.

I walked to school with him this morning and asked him if there was anybody saying mean things or doing mean things to him, and he said no. I asked him if there was anybody he wished was not in his class, and he said no. I asked him what things would make him happy to walk into school, and he said nothing, or he didn't know.

I'm going to talk to the teacher again and also ask if there is anybody in the school who can talk to him.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2019 11:01am

Hi all,

Weekend wasn't too bad. A lot of the time he was out and playing with friends. It's the one part of his life that seems completely unaffected by things.

But it popped up in a couple of ways. We were playing a board game yesterday and he had a choice of going in X direction or Y direction, and he simply couldn't decide, and ended up in tears over something so trivial.

We switched his language and music stuff to earlier in the day when he isn't starting to feel tired, and that went better than before.

He started to complain of a sick stomach last night, but we were convinced that this was just because he had school today. So we showed sympathy but were firm on the fact that he had to go to school. This morning one of his teachers arrived as we were waiting outside and took control of things - asked him would he help her in the classroom and he said yes, so she told him to say goodbye and gave me a look to tell me to leave rather than hanging round, so I did.

Before that happened, he had told me that he didn't really like his teacher (who is maternity cover for another teacher he did like). I asked if he started to feel bad around then and he said yes, but it was a leading question to be honest.

Hopefully that is part of it, and as there's only a week left in school, things will improve as he'll be aware he will have a new teacher from September.

8 year old boy with problems

Comments