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06-07-2019, 22:16   #1
Squall Leonhart
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My first creative effort

My first ever attempt as an adult to write something.

I just sat down at the computer half an hour ago with no idea what I was going to write, and these few words came out.

I'd love people's opinions. I don't know if I'll continue with this, but would like some feedback. I tried pasting the words in here, but the formatting came out awful, so I'm going with an image.
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07-07-2019, 12:19   #2
km85264
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Hi SL
Great piece of writing if that really is your first attempt. I'd highly recommend you don't make it your last.

I'm going to make some constructive critical comments to guide, hoping that you do keep writing: have a few reads before you post, make sure it's the best you can do before you ask somebody to read, because you may only get once chance. Watch the punctuation and grammar (e.g. ****er,' not ****er', - the comma goes inside); trivial stuff but people get really upset at such things. Wind down on the exclamation marks and italics, use your language to portray the emotion. Put in a section break before you switch character viewpoints, though in a piece this short you should stick to one character.

A tip for the future: you just sat down and wrote this so you don't know where it's going yet, but if you were starting off a short story or a novel, I'd want to get more of a clue. I want some buy in to get me through the euuuugh! moments of pools of vomit. Those are gorgeously awful, but help me to believe that there will be something worth wading my way through this for.
Kieran
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07-07-2019, 12:48   #3
Squall Leonhart
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Hi Kieran,

Thanks a million for the feedback. Yes, it really is my first attempt at anything. I know the imagery is a bit bleurgh in spots haha, sorry about that. It wasn't meant to be gross, it just kinda went that way when I was trying to imagine myself in that situation.

Wind down on italics and exclamations, noted. I was unsure how to write what she was thinking without italics or adding "she thought to herself" or similar.
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07-07-2019, 22:05   #4
km85264
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And that comes back to my first point: read and read and read again. You know yourself what's right and wrong but it won't be until the eighth or ninth time you go through it that you'll realise those italics are just annoying.
Do keep writing though, you have a very natural style.
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11-07-2019, 01:59   #5
branie2
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It's very good
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10-08-2019, 20:53   #6
Sheridan81
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It's not bad.
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