Am I wrong for being angry at my parents incapabilities?

This is a long post, so thank you if you get to the end.

I turned 23 at the end of March so this all began over a decade ago. When I was 12/13, my mother started showing signs that she was mentally unwell. For about a year, she mentally declined to the point where I was completely taken out of school aged 12/13 because she felt there was no need for formal education. I was taken out of the country in the middle of the night and she left us on the street for a week+ with zero money, zero food or anything else, in an entirely different country, while she rambled about all sorts of disturbing things to me. I vividly remember her falling asleep at the side of the street while standing and I remember stealing from shops just to get a drink and sleeping inside emergency room bathroom cubicles for an hour or so until she got paranoid that we had to move on. I cant remember how she got a hold of her male cousin (in his mid-late 50s), and we slept on the floor of her hoarder/weirdo/mentally unwell cousins 'house' SURROUNDED by mountains of books and clutter. I had no change of clothes, and in those six weeks we neither left that little space in the upstairs of his home or ate anything other than the sandwiches he would buy for us from the shop. Apparently my father reported us 'missing' back home, but in the six weeks that his 12/13 year old only daughter was out of the country, he didnt attempt to find me? Eventually my mother decided it was time to go 'home' so she borrowed the money from her cousin and we got coach and ferry back.


When we got back, we 'secretly' stayed in her cousins house (sister to the hoarder who had a disabled son and a very young son in her home along with her daughters in their 20s and her grandchildren constantly visiting) and her very elderly aunts house (mother of her two cousins) literally living in rooms in their tiny houses, never leaving, with all of their own extended families wondering wtf was going on. I had lost SO much weight and looked emaciated (when I look back). My father apparently didnt know that we were staying in my mothers relatives homes, and was eventually informed by someone, and he came into the house crying. I vaguely remember my mother asking her cousin to get the keys for our family home which was out in the countryside from him, and i remember her telling him she wouldnt go back home if he was there, and she and I were going to live back out there alone. For some ****ed up reason or another, even after my father witnessed his wife, my mother, completely losing her mind, her sitting in bed with me all day, her taking me out of school even before she took me out of the country, she would sit in bed with me ALL day and stay up ALL night telling me all sorts of things. Rambling about angels, jesus coming back, she was deeply paranoid and was convinced she was 'special' and that the world was going to end. It could go on forever. Not only that, but her own twin sister was fully aware she was mentally unwell and my mother terrified her niece (her twin sisters daughter) with her ramblings and even tried to lock her into the bathroom to stop her leaving, to which her sister reacted violently and removed her daughter from the house. Her brother was aware (because when she took me out of the country she dumped her car outside his home and told him my father tried to stab her). That particular brother even let his own son book our tickets for the bus, where did he think we were going? I remember him saying 'Are you alright' to my mother in this passive aggressive tone, and my mother stormed out with me shortly after. A sister even flew over from AUSTRALIA in this time, specifically to go and see my mother, was aware we were living in the rooms of our relatives and that my father didnt know where I was, met us in the local town, seen my mother was mentally unwell and did NOTHING.


This is already way too long and this isnt even 0.1% of the ****ing madness, but its impossible to express it. Very long story short, I didnt go back to school at all and lived out in the house in the middle of the countryside with my mother getting worse, and worse and worse to the point where she thought people in newspapers were corresponding with things she had said to me/thought the people on the television screen were communicating with us. In the time I was in the countryside, she told me some incredibly disturbing things that no 12/13 year old should ever hear. I have no idea what i ate or survived on. So my father knows whats going on, and once a week he used to call around and drop a box of sweets, literally chocolate bars and bags of sweets to the house. My father was completely aware that his mentally ill wife wasnt taking care of me or herself in any way whatsoever, and a grown man in his 40s did NOTHING but drop off a box of junk food to the door of the house every week. Anyway, months go by and all of this ended in her having a massive mental breakdown in the middle of the night she drove off (my father had gone and retrieved her car that she had dumped outside her brothers house in another country and had driven it back home) after playing music extremely loudly at like, 2am. She had been looking at me with this INSANE look in her eyes and literally took off running down stairs saying something about 'the gift', and made a scene in the town nearest our home, she once again drove to her elderly aunts house and was rambling about god knows what. I called my father in the middle of the night and told him she had driven away and he collected me. My mothers cousin appeared at the house with her son in law, and I remember her telling me ''your mother isnt well''. Her poor elderly mother probably rang her telling her my mother was back and had lost her mind. She apparently locked herself in her car and wouldnt come out. A group of locals and the local doctor had gathered around her car and she was shouting for some of them to go away because she deemed them 'evil'. Anyways, she was institutionalised for 2 weeks and she used to be SO angry with my father for 'signing her in'. In that time, her brother travelled over, came to our home and helped my father and I 'clear' the house. We had been living in absolute squalor and I remember my father being extremely angry when he saw the mess all the plates all the stale food, all the rubbish and wrappers and all the dirt and filth. She had made an actual shrine of holy statues and things she had cut out of magazines in the sitting room overnight in the space where the tv she had brought upstairs used to be. Her brother visited her while she was locked up, my father and her brother dragged me around every school in the local area to try and enroll me, took me to any old hairdresser to cut my very long unkempt raggedy hair. The hairdresser completely botched it, she basically just hacked my hair off. I was shipped off to my mothers twin sister shortly after that who just grilled me about the whole situation and went through all of my mothers personal documents in her home and questioned me about them. And shortly after this, I was just sent into a new school like nothing had happened, after not being in education for a year, with no friends, no social skills, very obvious anxiety and social awkwardness and not knowing anyone. I would frequently make myself sick in front of both of my parents, I would scream/cry/have emotional breakdowns in front of them. I would be in very clear emotional distress, hysterically crying and neither of them did anything. Well maybe except my father shouting back at me saying ''what the **** is wrong with you?''.


In the years that followed all of this, my father became more and more angry at my mother, my mother became more dismissive of my father and I. All he would do is rant about how he wasted his life with her and tell me how depressed and suicidal he was. He would have frequent very aggressively angry outbursts shouting and screaming, treated me like his therapist, even till this day talks to me like im his shrink. I was about 14 or 15 when he came home holding a tie from a suit he was wearing telling me he was going to end his life with it in a very aggressive manner. He has confided in me things he never should have to his teenage daughter. My mother was completely mentally absent for years afterwards, like a literal zombie. I left school for GOOD six months after I had returned because my father had left the country for 'work' after my mother decided she hated him again and wanted him out and she just didnt bother taking me to school and didnt want me going to school once again. My father had been renting a small house when he had been told to leave in the midst of the breakdown, so basically as soon as he gave up his rental and moved back in the countryside, she decided it was time for him to FO again. So he left me, alone with her again in the middle of nowhere. She would just sit upstairs in her bed all day every day, and because I was out of school again I was sitting in bed all day every day watching repeats on dvd (tv connection didnt work anymore) except now I was depressed, self harming, obsessively hating my appearance, lonely, and extremely anxious. She went back to living in squalor instantly. I literally lived off of ramen noodles, and I have no clue what she ate. I got into a relationship very quickly after this with a man YEARS older than me, fell in with a very bad crowd and went down the typical drugs and unproductivity path you would expect a teenager with a bunch of problems she doesnt know how to deal with to. And I kid you not from that relationship to this very day, most things in my life have been one big ****ing traumatic mess. I am a total, utter and complete train wreck and the things ive mentioned here arent 0.1% of the in-depth, complex madness that has taken place for the past decade. Its insane because both my parents come from well-off, respectable families.


Am I wrong for still blaming my parents for my entire life being a wreck, for my physical and mental health issues, my eating disorder/anorexia, my emotional state and my inability to be in a non-dysfunctional relationship?