Pressure to lose weight

LegacyUser · 14-07-2019 10:25am #1

Hi all,

I’m living at home with my Mum and I’ve noticed over the past couple of months she’s trying to get me to lose weight. I’m very upset and self-conscious about my weight but she doesn’t know that and her pressure is making me feel a lot worse. She asked me what I had to eat the other day, because I said I was hungry for dinner, and I listed a couple of things. When I mentioned a bag of crisps her face dropped like she was disgusted at me.

She buys all these Weight Watchers foods for me to try and protein bars that I’m supposed to have as a lunch (I only eat junk food when I’m stressed tbh and I know this – I hate where I work and sometimes feel the need to eat something like crisps or chocolate when I’m very stressed there). She’s put on a lot of weight herself the past few months and keeps telling me how little she’s eating to lose weight (two slices of toast or an egg could be all she has until dinner).

I find it very upsetting to hear and it makes me feel bad about myself that she can survive on so little, as I used to starve myself on-and-off as a teenager and in my early 20s and she knows this. She was happy I was losing weight until the doctor said I had an eating disorder. It makes me miss my eating disorder and I know that’s wrong.

I am trying to lose weight, I walk more outdoors and eat healthier foods. My confidence is very low at the moment and I end up eating badly when I’m upset. I don’t mind that though because I’m trying to build my confidence and eventually I won’t rely on food for a boost.

I can’t move out because of the renting crisis. My partner and I are saving right now and I can’t move in with his family as his house is tight enough as is with him back. I feel uncomfortable talking about weight or losing weight and don’t know how to discuss this with my Mum. She’ll just get defensive and tell me she was doing a nice thing supporting me, even though I never told her I wanted to lose weight in the first place.

StinkyMunkey · 14-07-2019 1:37pm

time to sit your mam down and have an adult talk with her. Keep a level head and explain to her exactly what you posted.

She has your best interest at heart, but her actions are obviously counterproductive.

Her actions may be because she is projecting into you her own battle with weight loss.

Get you head in the right place before you worry about your own weight loss.

silverharp · 14-07-2019 2:12pm

based on the fact that she is buying you protein bars, it sounds like she is pretty ignorant when it comes to giving nutrition advice. you obviously need to find something that is sustainable for you.

never_mind · 14-07-2019 4:22pm

It could be out of concern, OP. I know my mam is the only person in my life who will actually tell me when I gain weight and to cut the crap out! Best of intentions, I’d reckon. Maybe tell her that you are tackling it in your own way and thanks for the support. You could also suggest joining slimming world together or start walking at night.. this will be good for both of you mentally and physically.

wildwillow · 14-07-2019 6:06pm

You can't concentrate on weight loss until your life is in order, I speak from experience.

If the weight is an issue for you and you think your self esteem would be better if you lost some, then work with your mother and organise healthy meals for both. Protein bars, weight watchers food and toast and egg are not going to help.

If you want to lose the weight concentrate on filling salads, adding lots of veg to your dinner and making sure you drink plenty of water.
Skipping meals is not a great idea as you binge eat when hungry.

If you are not too concerned by having a bit of weight on, just try to sort out the rest of your life and then the weight loss will be easier.

I reckon your mother is more annoyed with herself for gaining weight and lashing out at you.

MissShihTzu · 14-07-2019 7:41pm

Weight Watcher foods aren't the best either. Full of processed crap. Fine, if you need something quick, but I wouldn't be eating them long term. They're expensive too!

Slimming World and Weight Watchers are essentially healthy eating plans and not really diets. I'm on Slimming World and have found it to be a great help - Both plans have lists of foods that you can eat and even 'healthy' junk food options!

But you've got to be in the right head space to do it - Otherwise it'll just be a waste of time. Have a talk with your Mum too - She means well, but it's coming over as a bit heavy-handed.

Good luck!

antix80 · 14-07-2019 7:50pm

Op, when i lived at home i had a problem with comfort eating. My mother continually commented on when i was trying to eat healthy ("that wouldn't feed a mouse", "that doesn't look very appetising", "you wouldn't want to lose any more weight") and kept stocking the cupboards with cheap Aldi bars. At least your mother is trying.
I'd say use the opportunity to eat right. Eggs and toast is a great breakfast and will keep you full til lunchtime.

Zen65 · 14-07-2019 8:34pm

pressuretoloseweight wrote: »

I feel uncomfortable talking about weight or losing weight and don’t know how to discuss this with my Mum.

Hi Op,

Just because you're uncomfortable discussing your weight does not mean your Mum is wrong to raise the subject. Maybe her approach isn't the best, but she seems to have your best interests at heart and that's something to value. The idea that you'll sort out your weight after you've dealt with your other life issues (you did not say this, but some contributors here have suggested this) is really, really bad advice, IMHO. The issues are too closely linked.

You've not described how overweight you are, so I've no idea how you should prioritise your weight issue. I can only surmise that since you posted about it here it must be something that troubles you. Taking responsibility for your weight and doing something about it is a great way to feel better about yourself. Don't do anything drastic; don't do starvation days unless it's part of a well-planned regime (I've rarely heard this approach to be successful). Learn about healthy eating, rather than 'dieting'. Take time to do some form of exercise regularly. Weigh yourself weekly and see that your weight is trending in the right direction. Don't look for spectacular results, don't be deterred by weeks when it goes the wrong way.

Perhaps you could learn to view your mother's interest as a support rather than as critical? I say that knowing full well my own mother's regular comments
to my sisters was not at all helpful, but I also know that the comments of one or two friends prompted me to take responsibility for my own weight, and that it helped me lose a stone rather than continue to put it off "for when I felt able to deal with that". There was never a perfect time for me to start paying attention to my weight, but once I started it as a project I took control of it and in a round-about way it helped me deal with other issues too.

So, in short, strive to be able to talk about it rather than looking for a way to silence your Mum.

Best of luck!

Z

Addle · 14-07-2019 8:40pm

Maybe she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Mothers can be bitches like everyone else but we don’t get to ignore them cos they’re our mothers.

Maybe she’s not happy that you’ve moved home, maybe she’s not happy in herself. I have no idea.

Adults living together can be difficult. If you’re going to live in her house you’re going to have to make compromises.
Give each other space.

MissD93 · 15-07-2019 4:48am

A girl I’m very close with went through something very similar. When all was resolved she told me that during that time of her mother pressuring her to lose weight she actually gained weight due to comfort eating (which I do aswell) as a coping mechanism and then because she wouldn’t eat starvation mode would kick in in her body causing her to retain the calories. Eventually her and her mam talked about it and her mam had put her under pressure because she herself was struggling and was imposing her own issues upon my friend. They both decided to work together to feel positive about them selfs

Always Tired · 15-07-2019 5:03am

Addle wrote: »

Maybe she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
Mothers can be bitches like everyone else but we don’t get to ignore them cos they’re our mothers.

Maybe she’s not happy that you’ve moved home, maybe she’s not happy in herself. I have no idea.

Adults living together can be difficult. If you’re going to live in her house you’re going to have to make compromises.
Give each other space.

I can't imagine what kind of compromise would be appropriate here. Living at home might mean you give up the right to party or have overnight guests or do things that would disturb the household with noise etc but not your right to eat or not eat certain items, that is solely up to the person whose body it is.

Just don't eat the stuff she buys if you don't want to, she'll soon see it as a waste of money. Don't answer the questions about what you have eaten, or if it's easier, lie. And any comments about meals she sees you making or eating, just say you intend to make your own decisions about what to eat and any comments will be a waste of time so just back off and worry about your own meals and weight and I'll worry about mine.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-07-2019 8:44am

OP, you didn't tell us how overweight you are. Something to bear in mind if you're planning to buy a house is that your mortgage protection payments will go up if you're too overweight or obese. Now is the time to tackle your weight. Given that you have a history of eating disorders, maybe it's time to go talk to your GP.

meeeeh · 15-07-2019 10:24am

I'm complete rubbish at losing weight, I can manage a few kilos every so often to keep myself in check but that's it. However not being on constant diets and being fairly active it means my weight is normal and fairly similar to the weight I was 20 years ago in early twenties.

Frankly I find a few things more annoying than people obsessed with diets and questioning what you or others eat. Weight Watchers food and protein bars won't make you slim they will just make you not enjoy the food you are eating. Neither will your mother's diet do anything for her and she will loose no weight long therm. Try to prepare varied and healthy diet and have a bag of crisps or a chocolate bar every so often without feeling guilty. 200 calories or whatever is in the packet will hardly make a difference if you are eating healthy otherwise and moving.

As for your mother you'll have to tell her in a nice way that her approach isn't helping, it's making you even more anxious. Maybe you two should sit together, plan a batch of healthy meals for the week but after that ignore the diet talk.

carrollsno1 · 16-07-2019 1:19pm

Allen carrs book on sugar might help, ive only gotten halfway through it but would think more about what i eat and how much i eat nowadays. Its all about getting yourself in the right mindset before you get going at it.

Kidchameleon · 16-07-2019 2:00pm

Buy your own food, dont eat anything your mam buys. Find a press in the kitchen where you can keep all of your stuff seperate. You need to stand up for yourself a bit more and tell her to mind her own business, confidence will grow if you take actions like that. Get a stressball rather than comfort eat at work. Perhaps it is time to change jobs if it bothers you that much? I think working on your self confidence and getting to the bottom of you eating habits is the key to a happier life for you. Look into councelling.

isohon · 16-07-2019 6:03pm

Hi OP,

As a person who has been up and down and then further up and back down etc on the weighing scales I empathize with your situation. I think you will be at nothing if you don't express to your Mother that you are finding her remarks hurtful. That you can accept she has good intentions but that it's counterproductive. It won't be easy but I really can't see another way around it, given what you have described.

There is good helpful, non BS advise out there on how to handle difficult conversations that can help avoid an explosion. Maybe look these up and see if you think any will work for yourself and your Mother. Best of luck.

vargoo · 18-07-2019 12:37am

pressuretoloseweight wrote: »

Hi all,

I’m living at home with my Mum and I’ve noticed over the past couple of months she’s trying to get me to lose weight. I’m very upset and self-conscious about my weight but she doesn’t know that and her pressure is making me feel a lot worse. She asked me what I had to eat the other day, because I said I was hungry for dinner, and I listed a couple of things. When I mentioned a bag of crisps her face dropped like she was disgusted at me.

She buys all these Weight Watchers foods for me to try and protein bars that I’m supposed to have as a lunch (I only eat junk food when I’m stressed tbh and I know this – I hate where I work and sometimes feel the need to eat something like crisps or chocolate when I’m very stressed there). She’s put on a lot of weight herself the past few months and keeps telling me how little she’s eating to lose weight (two slices of toast or an egg could be all she has until dinner).

I find it very upsetting to hear and it makes me feel bad about myself that she can survive on so little, as I used to starve myself on-and-off as a teenager and in my early 20s and she knows this. She was happy I was losing weight until the doctor said I had an eating disorder. It makes me miss my eating disorder and I know that’s wrong.

I am trying to lose weight, I walk more outdoors and eat healthier foods. My confidence is very low at the moment and I end up eating badly when I’m upset. I don’t mind that though because I’m trying to build my confidence and eventually I won’t rely on food for a boost.

I can’t move out because of the renting crisis. My partner and I are saving right now and I can’t move in with his family as his house is tight enough as is with him back. I feel uncomfortable talking about weight or losing weight and don’t know how to discuss this with my Mum. She’ll just get defensive and tell me she was doing a nice thing supporting me, even though I never told her I wanted to lose weight in the first place.

Alot of excuses and bull in there.

We all get stressed/ we all hate our jobs, is that a reason to raid the biscuits....ehhh only if you want to.

Just lose the weight for her/yourself/whatever/ stop making an issue out of it.

Eat good food (grew on a tree or in the ground) between the hours of 11am and 6pm. Just tea water outside of that and it'll fall off. Literally fall off, it's that easy.

Do a bit of exercise even better, take up parkrun on a saturday morning, bring your mam.

In a few months you'll get round slow jog without stopping, if thats not the ultimate moral booster nothing is. Get a good pair of runners, get your gait checked.

You've have turned this into something, no more excuses, just fecking sort it.

isohon · 18-07-2019 11:06am

vargoo wrote: »

Alot of excuses and bull in there.

We all get stressed/ we all hate our jobs, is that a reason to raid the biscuits....ehhh only if you want to.

Just lose the weight for her/yourself/whatever/ stop making an issue out of it.

Eat good food (grew on a tree or in the ground) between the hours of 11am and 6pm. Just tea water outside of that and it'll fall off. Literally fall off, it's that easy.

Do a bit of exercise even better, take up parkrun on a saturday morning, bring your mam.

In a few months you'll get round slow jog without stopping, if thats not the ultimate moral booster nothing is. Get a good pair of runners, get your gait checked.

You've have turned this into something, no more excuses, just fecking sort it.

If losing weight were as simply as that why do we have an obesity crisis? Why is that doctors and dietitians, who are experts in this field, disagree with pretty much every lazy trope in your post?

Its pretty sad that someone who is fat/overweight can't get some advice without having to be subjected to the opinions of every armchair life coach.

vargoo · 18-07-2019 11:46am

isohon wrote: »

If losing weight were as simply as that why do we have an obesity crisis? Why is that doctors and dietitians, who are experts in this field, disagree with pretty much every lazy trope in your post?

Its pretty sad that someone who is fat/overweight can't get some advice without having to be subjected to the opinions of every armchair life coach.

You're confused.

If you want to know why people are over weight, just go into Tesco some Friday and look at peoples trolley.

Some dont shop anymore and near exclusive order in.

Gp/Dieticians brought us the food pyramid for what, 2 decades. Experts???

Boards had a food health expert on here before who was laughed off the site they were so out of date, thread is still up here. One of the government agencies, im pretty sure they just stopped replying, it was so bad.

Up to OP to have a bowl of turnip or packet of biscuits. Give up the relationship with food.

It really is as simple as I said. No science needed.

What is a trope? Link to where some expert disagrees with what I said? This should be good!!

Hell, we have operation transformation now. They eat sh1t for 20 years they are fat, they stop eating sh1t they lose fat, right before your eyes every week. MAGIC/SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell me where im wrong.

Most people on day 4 of bowl of veg say to themselves life is to short for this.........stay fat so.

antix80 · 18-07-2019 12:01pm

isohon wrote: »

If losing weight were as simply as that why do we have an obesity crisis? Why is that doctors and dietitians, who are experts in this field, disagree with pretty much every lazy trope in your post?

Here we go. Direct your advice to the op rather than criticise advice given by other people.

The op admits she's an emotional eater.

A change of mindset is required to overcome that. Yes, an expert can help. But ultimately the op's problems will disappear when she stops focusing on the past (when she had an eating disorder and under-ate, and is afraid it will happen again) or the future (when everything will be better because she'll be living with her bf and not her mother-it doesn't work like that).

Op is already taking some positive steps regarding increasing her exercise. Another positive step is to say "well, I overeat.. I'm currently overeating by 20%.. this week, I'll try not to overeat, I won't beat myself up if I do.. but at the end of the week if I overeat by 10%, it's still better than overeating by 20%..."

Regarding how she deals with her mother .. the options are to say something to her, or decide to say nothing and accept that the mother will continue to act the way she does. But if the op decides to be unhappy now and is waiting until the future (renting, living with bf) to be happy, or content, or lose weight.. she'll be in for a world of disappointment.

wiggle16 · 18-07-2019 7:36pm

Mod note:

Vargoo, your last post offered no advice to the OP. Please ensure you have advice for the OP when you post, or don't post at all.

Posters are reminded to address their replies to the OP. The OP started this thread, references to the OP in the third person should be kept to a minimum.

Thanks

JustAThought · 19-07-2019 12:51am

OP a lot of people have complicated relationships with food. You mim must see you struggling and remember the past and that you had problems with food then and sees you struggling and upset now and is trying to help. No doubt she is trying the buddy system to encourage you and try and motivate you. She IS right when after her efforts to buy healthy and expensive calorie counted meals for you and get you involved in your food choices and engaged that you suggest a bag of chrisps for dinner - that is just not right.

Its up to you to make healthy and good choices for yourself and to find a path that works for you but its not fair to be balming your mum for trying to help or guide you and for rightly showing disgust when you say you want chrisps for dinner. At this point, stress nothwithstandung, you are equiped with a lot of resources and options to make good and healthy choices regarding diet and lifestyle and you need to make daily choices that are good ones - 80% of the time. By all.means have your chocolate fir stress or whatever but do the trick of buying high coco count chocolate or keep something like graps which have a high sugar content close - substitites, but not as bad.

Your mom sounds like she cares for you and is doing a good job trying to help you - you have to also help yourself and make food choices that are good one ls for you, your partner, your health and future together and lifestyle. Its in your hands, and no doubt stress, work, shame or healousy and the oast get in your way but at the end of the day if you make better food and snack choices, eat less and exercise more you will loose weight. I've no doubt whatsoever it is very difficult but there are thousands of xalorie xounters and meal llans and apps and resources online to help you but you have to choose to start and to help yourself - either with or without your moms gelp. It might be easier to do it with her than against her.

Pressure to lose weight

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