Pregnant, and he cheated

LegacyUser · 01-10-2008 12:06pm #1

I’m 4 months pregnant, my boyfriend and I are together about a year.
I stayed in my boyfriend’s apartment last night. This morning he said he wanted a break. I wasn’t all that surprised as when we were on holidays I told him I didn’t feel like we were in a relationship. Even though we get on very well there hasn’t been any real intimacy in a while.
Anyway this morning I was upset about it. We talked for a while, he says he still has feelings for me and I suppose it makes sense that we take a week or so apart and see how we both feel. I think it will be good for both of us. But then it turns out that he “briefly” kissed a girl outside the pub on Fri night. He was very apologetic and says he doesn’t want to break up. But he needs to figure out why he did that and also what he wants.
Not only did he kiss the girl, she gave him her number and he was texting her last night. The texts were very platonic but still the fact that he made contact with her, I feel like what’s the point anymore?
Cheating I can’t stand. I just left and came home.
I think I just feel numb now. The break was fine, but the cheating is aagggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!
So now I’m trying to get my head around it all and try to figure out what it is I want. Part of me is hugely afraid of being a single mam, but I know that’s no reason to be with someone. I still love him, but I just feel like if he has done this now then he isn’t committed and in the long run its going to cause me (and the baby) unnecessary stress and hurt. No matter what I know he will be there for the baby.
Sorry for going on. Just really need to get this all out, and maybe get some advice from people who have been in a similar situation?

Thanks GA xx

Mr. Incognito · 01-10-2008 12:15pm

Sounds like the spark has fizzled out but then again having a baby is a huge commitment and maybe he's just testing the waters to see how he feels about it.

A kiss is fairly tame but the contact afterwards is worse.

If he's moved on not much you can do about it, but don't let him walk all over you just because you're pregnant with his kid.

Stick to your guns

Gone Drinking · 01-10-2008 1:21pm

It's not really cheating.. if you're on a break.

the_syco · 01-10-2008 1:23pm

ConfusedXYZ wrote: »

when we were on holidays I told him I didn’t feel like we were in a relationship.

How did you phrase this? He may have taken it the wrong way, but it doesn't seem so, as he seems to have felt guilty for kissing the girl.

Karen_* · 01-10-2008 1:25pm

You poor thing OP, its a rotten situation to be in:( Can't imagine how you're feeling but as Setanta says, stick to your guns and don't let him walk all over you. You certainly will be fine as you seem very together and have your head screwed on.

I was in a similar situation myself 15 years ago and I decided to make the break with the father and just get on with things myself. And I have to say it made the recovery an awful lot easier. Just making that decision and being strong. I thing I would have put up with more if it were just me but I decided I couldn't be broken hearted and messed around as well as minding a small baby. And I wanted him to either be in my life or not in it. Since he coulnd't reach the decision I made it for him. Was tough OP but I absolutely do not regret it. I feel that while we may let people treat us badly that as mammies we will not tolerate that treatment of our children. Even when they're unborn.

I know this isn't much help to you but if I can help in anyway or you need to talk please pm me. And stay strong xx

Karen_* · 01-10-2008 1:26pm

Gone Drinking wrote: »

It's not really cheating.. if you're on a break.

They weren't on a break on Friday night when he went off with the other girl. And even so, you don't run out and get yourself a text buddy or a romantic interest the second you want a break. Not if you've any decency.

vandermeyde · 01-10-2008 1:38pm

call me a cynic but his needing a "break" when he's kisssed someone else, is still texting them, and it's fast approaching the weekend would have my alarm bells ringing.

maybe he's feeling trapped with the pregnancy situation and that's fair enough but it still no justification to be off meeting someone else.

If you feel a break might be beneficial to give you both some space then go for it, but I'd be setting some ground rules as to what's acceptable/not acceptable during it.

brianthebard · 01-10-2008 1:41pm

You are both under a lot of pressure with the pregnancy, I doubt either of ye expected or wanted it to happen so soon into your relationship? You are both probably very confused about where its going,what your positions are, whether ye will be together for a long time or not, where that leaves ye in relation to the kid. Have ye talked about all that? If not I think ye should, or even talk about it again.

STUBBORNGIRL · 01-10-2008 1:44pm

Op i dont know what age you are or if that even matters at this stage but to be 4 months pregnant and for your guy to be messing around on you like this is something you do not need.

Did he show you the texts between him and the other girl? Why would someone get another girls number without the intention of keeping in contact and all this when he is seeing someone else who happens to be carrying his child! Im sorry but this guy is not thinking about you. He is very selfish and forget those excuses from another poster about how he might just want to test the water to see what way he feels about you. simple as if he really liked you as much as he should he would not have cheated - a kiss is not just a kiss - it means so much more and sorry but you would be better off being a single mum than having that guy in your life! Just my 2cent - harsh and all as it is! Ive seen it all with two timers and they dont change their habits (well the majority)! (sorry been burned so have no tolerance to cheaters)

Sorry Edit: its called a break for a reason - because there is something broken and its up to you whether you want to fix that or not. But you need to think long and hard about that because this will map out the rest of your future!

Good luck OP

John Mason · 01-10-2008 1:49pm

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

STUBBORNGIRL · 01-10-2008 1:57pm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

I suggest you reread the post and amend numbers 1-3!!!!

Op kissing someone whether briefly or for 24hrs is cheating! He wasnt single when he kissed this other girl so that is cheating!!

beth-lou · 01-10-2008 2:54pm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

Appalling post. Cruel, insensitive and lacking any understanding of the problem. At least read what she has posted before you go making a fool of yourself.

1. They were not on a break.
2. She is pregnant and has every right to be upset that this happened.
3. Kissing someone while being in a relationship with someone else is cheating.
4. How do you know what he wants?
5. Texting someone in a flirtatious manner while your girlfriend is pregnant is hurtful, insensitive and cruel.
6. Are you 12?

LegacyUser · 01-10-2008 3:50pm

Thanks for your replies, especially the supportive ones.

Just to repeat, we weren't on a break when he kissed the other girl. Apparently was a 5 second kiss. The reason I saw the texts were that he had left his charger on holidays, so was using an extra phone I have (I've one for work, and another one). The texts were just things like "yeah out watching celtic lose". Nothing suggesting meeting up or anything.

With regards the break he already said he doesn't want a break to go off with anyone else, just to figure out his own head.

We are both in our early 30s, no the baby wasn't planned, but if anything he has been happier then me about the baby and I have to say he is very supportive. He has come with me to every appointment, blood test, etc.

I know I have to take some time to figure out what I want, and at the moment I want to put the baby first and make sure he/she is ok.

Karen, does the father of your child see your child?

Thanks all. x

Jimmy Bottlehead · 01-10-2008 4:03pm

It sounds like he panicked... he shouldn't have done what he did, but he is in an awkward situaion.

From his point of view - his girlfriend is pregnant (I'm assuming unplanned, so he didn't expect this). So that's probably a lot for him to deal with - now on top of this, you two have lost intimacy. From his point of view, he probably needs as much love and support right now as you do. But since he felt he didn't get it from you, or felt he needed more of it, he kissed someone else hoping to get something from her. Approval, an ego boost, just something positive.

He was very apologetic and says he doesn’t want to break up. But he needs to figure out why he did that and also what he wants.

That line right there makes me suspect he's not a bad guy at heart. He confessed of his own free will. He told you he doesn't want to break up. But he does need to take time on his own to work out how he feels. You can't force love.
I'd give him some time apart, IF it's just to work out how he's feeling. If it's just so he can lash his member into a few random girls, then I'd tell him to hit the road. But I think he just needs space to accept everything, and what's to come.

She Devil · 01-10-2008 4:11pm

Poor you, this is a horrible situation, but it is one that you must take control of. YOU make the decisions, because otherwise you will always wonder is he with you just because you were pregnant. It is very hard, but it may be one of the best decisions you ever made. Don't think you need him to do this, you can do this yourself.

My advice would be walk away from him, there is no need for cheating, if he isnt ready for such a big commitment maybe he should have thought about it before he bed you. I was in a situation similiar to this, and i'm telling ya MY BABY would come first. I don't have a child so i can't comment. But look after yourself and the rest will after itself.

Good luck x

Mr. Incognito · 01-10-2008 4:14pm

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

This is from a girl? I wonder if you'd have that attitude if it was you or your best mate 4 months pregnant and your boyfriend went off with someone after 24 hours.

What he did was wrong. Technically on a break is horse-doo-doo.

Everytime someone comes here in emotional anguish there's always the usual bitter -move on posts. It's not helpfull.

OP you have every right to feel annoyed. Why he did this no-one can tell you but him. I wouldn't get hung up on the rights or wrongs but the reasons behind it.

Does he feel trapped? Is he doing this to cement a distance until he can figure out how he feels about the pregnancy? How did he react to it in the first place? Was it a mutual decision to keep the child, all these factors have to be taken into consideration.

"Move on" is not advice. It just reeks of bitterness.

beth-lou · 01-10-2008 4:21pm

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

It sounds like he panicked... he shouldn't have done what he did, but he is in an awkward situaion.

From his point of view - his girlfriend is pregnant (I'm assuming unplanned, so he didn't expect this). So that's probably a lot for him to deal with - now on top of this, you two have lost intimacy. From his point of view, he probably needs as much love and support right now as you do. But since he felt he didn't get it from you, or felt he needed more of it, he kissed someone else hoping to get something from her. Approval, an ego boost, just something positive.

Indeed it does sound like he panicked...BUT....,
It is also an unplanned pregnancy for her too. So I'm sure she is equally panicked. After all she has to carry this child, give birth to it, and if things don't work out, it will be her primarily who will have responsibility for it. So him getting panicked can excuse some of his behaviour, but guys, women get get paniced too. And on top of that panic, she now has to worry about him cheating. So I think it's fair to say, he's getting the easier side of the coin and his behaviour is not making it any easier for her to deal with.

However, OP. I had an unplanned pregnancy. I know how confusing and scarey it can be, and I was 7 years with my OH, although we had broken up and just recently gotten back together so it was a bit of a mess. But we got through it and are married now with number 2.

I admire the fact that he was honest with you about the kiss. That shows some maturity and back bone. Maybe give him some space to think things through. But if he wants space to go and meet other girls I would tell him to sling his hook. Now is not the time for that and it is totally inappropriate under the circumstances. He needs to support you either as a boyfriend or as simply the father of your child. Texting other girls when you are pregnant is quite insensitive and he should be made aware of how you are felling at this time.

He may come around. But if he does make sure it is because he loves you and not because he feels he has to out of some sense of duty. You seem very together and strong and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your baby. No matter what happens, your baby will bring you immense joy and a happiness and a love that will blow you away. Stay strong and all the best.

Disssgruntled · 02-10-2008 4:57pm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

Points 1, 2 and 3 are plainly incorrect and point 4 is groundless, insensitive and hurtful.

- Post reported, back to After Hours with ya........

Beruthiel · 02-10-2008 5:05pm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

1. You were on a break, he didnt cheat;

2. He briefly kissed someone (whatever that is), he didnt cheat;

3. He is single, he is allow text other girls, he is not cheating;

4. He has no interest in being with you - move on

Seriously pfb, if you are going to comment in PI, at least read the OP before jumping to conclusions.

yung · 20-12-2008 1:41am

ConfusedXYZ i just read your post from Oct, i was wondering how you are now and how the situation is? I am also pregnant and in similar situation. I dont want to go into it too much, but i can imagine what you are going through and i can feel all the hurt you felt as well.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2008 3:32am

Hi Yung

Well things got more complicated after the initial cheating! We had many chats and argument and in the end I walked away, I was completely devastated and hurt. Within days he was back around wanting us to try again. So since then he has made a huge effort and really proved he wants to be with me. So 3 weeks ago I agreed to get back with him. I don't regret it at all.
Now I'm very happy with how things are going and we are looking forward to meeting our baby in 12 weeks time ... or there abouts

I think the whole thing has thought me that I need to maintain my independance. If you want to chat I can pm you?

Hope you are going ok yourself!
xx

Pregnant, and he cheated

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