Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

I just don't know how to deal with this control freak

Options
2»

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    LightningBolt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,639 ✭✭✭LightningBolt


    He's a an idiot. Plain and simple. Pathetic little "man". The sooner you get out the better since your parents unfortunately have done little to address his control tendencies.


  • Options
    #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Living well is the best revenge. Get away as soon as you can and live your own life. Not really much point fighting him, if he does that kind of stuff he must be a really miserable person already.


  • Options
    #34
    Terpsichore
    Registered Users Posts: 269 ✭✭Terpsichore


    Only one solution to teach this little B******: Call the Dog Whisperer and see if your bro can ever be salvaged.


  • Options
    #35
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    He is mentally ill by the sounds of things.

    If he is indeed a sociopath, the best way to deal with him is to be as unreactive as possible as they feed off negative attention and enjoy it immensely.

    The less reactive you are the less fun it is for him. Remove any important belongings from the house and store them at a friends.

    Information is power to the sociopath, get your mail re-directed elsewhere (can be done for something like €60 for 3 months)
    Tell him nothing about your life, be distant and always be one step ahead of him.

    Do not engage him in any way, simply avoid him as much as possible until you are able to move out.
    Dont allow him to see you upset or agitated, he will enjoy this and feed off it.

    For all the people saying "stand up to him" -if he is a sociopath it will do no good whatsoever, except to feed and satisfy him.

    He is parasiting off your parents, I pity them but there is nothing you can do there.

    Really, do not engage with him, its pointless, remain calm and move on as soon as you can.


  • Options
    #36
    Das Kitty
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    No doubt your parents know exactly what he's like. They've created this monster by trying to "keep the peace". They're also responsible for your mental health over all of this. No amount of "outing" your brother's behaviour is going to make a difference unless they decide that they're going to do something about it, and at this stage it's very unlikely.

    All you can do to save yourself is to get out of there, and you're on your way to that thankfully. I really feel for you it's a horrible situation to feel so powerless.

    xxx


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    Pat Mustard
    Registered Users Posts: 9,554 ✭✭✭Pat Mustard


    adviceplease wrote: »
    Cheers for the replies.
    My parents don't like confrontation, so they try and keep the peace alot, even if it means ignoring the situation.

    Somebody else said that they doubted that the HR dept in your company would have given out that information. Could be a 'cunning plan' by your brother. You might wanna be careful before you go in with both barrels against HR there.

    I hate to say this, but your parents are the real source of this problem. You need to have a serious chat with them about the rift that they have allowed your brother to cause between them and you. Your brother is just a by-product of your parents' lazy, cowardly, laissez-faire attitude. Few people like confrontation, but sometimes you have to get on with it.


  • Options
    #38
    slinger99
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭slinger99


    I just wanted to add to my previous advice....If you confront/stand up at all to your brother..stay CALM AND COMPOSED.These type of people are usually extremley cunning and have developed ways of making the other person appear irrational. Stay on message if you choose to speak up.If,as you say your parents are enabling this behaviour you may have to stand/back from them too.Just assure them that you love them/care for them(if you do)but that for your own wellbeing you cannot allow yourself to be the subject of this behaviour.. do not fall for any emotional guilt traps and stay on message. Repeat yourself many times if you have to in a calm manner."Your (or The) behaviour is not acceptable" is a good phrase to use I find....Good luck and hold your head high!!


  • Options
    #39
    mossieh
    Registered Users Posts: 436 ✭✭mossieh


    Sorry if it sounds harsh but your brother sounds to me (from what little you've told us here) like a sociopath. I think spookydoll's advice is excellent.


  • Options
    #40
    RuailleBuaille
    Registered Users Posts: 521 ✭✭✭RuailleBuaille


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    If it was me first thing I'd do is go out tomorrow and get a lock for my room. Then I'd think of loads little petty immature things to get back at him. Things like I'd buy batteries and hide the current ones in the remote somewhere, then everytime I'd be finished with the TV I'd take the batteries out and take them with me.


    I certainly wouldnt happily bend over the table with a sign on my back saying "**** me" with an arrow pointing down. You parents obviously arent going to do anything so time you did.

    That would make you as bad as him and that's no victory.

    OP your brother sounds like a total tool, a sad, pathetic loser and the sooner you get out, the better.

    God love the man/ woman who takes him on.

    You should think about talking to your parents about this, not in an effort to get him 'in trouble' but so they realise the reason they will see so little of you. The fact you will avoid your home because of him should be enough to make them light a fire under his lame ass, and if it doesn't, more fool them because they'll never shake him loose.

    Best of luck.


  • Options
    #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Simply reset the modem, access the router page, connect up your laptop and put an admin password on the router. (Some router need to be reset 5 times in quick succession to remove the admin pass). Play his game on him.

    Hide something really grusomely smelly in the room when its "his" night. do this until he surrenders.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,631 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    wifiaccess wrote: »
    Simply reset the modem, access the router page, connect up your laptop and put an admin password on the router. (Some router need to be reset 5 times in quick succession to remove the admin pass). Play his game on him.

    Hide something really grusomely smelly in the room when its "his" night. do this until he surrenders.
    He'll reset it back if he cant get into it. And it will only piss him off. Better to reset it and leave it unlocked, at least then theres a good chance it will take him quite some time to realise theres been a breach, assuming he has the wifi security settings saved in and doesnt have to enter them at every login, which I doubt he does.

    And this may all be childish but sibling warfare? Read the thread, theres no 'surrender' here, and its not a game for him, its his way of life.

    Also I would agree with my fellow posters in saying he may definitely be suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder, but thats only my abject opinion, and i am far from a psychologist.


  • Options
    #43
    oxymora
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3 ✭oxymora


    God that sounds awful! I know your pain.
    I've an older bro (by 5 yrs) who used to terrify me as a child and as an adult he never has a nice thing to say (not even "Hello"). Publicly and privately having a go and generally making my life miserable.
    I've tried everything, the family ignores it cause "if you ignore it, it might just go away".
    The distance thing doesn't work either, I lived in Belfast while he and the parents lived in Dublin (separate houses), I've been in Oz and now he lives in New York. Still whenever we are in the same room or I say anything he'll just have a go.
    The only thing I've found, which is finally working, is not rising to the bait. It seems so easy but it isn't, the bait can be hidden in the most innocent of things, like "Hello" :)
    I don't even make eye contact unless completely necessary. It sounds childish and cowardly but needs must.
    You have to get out as soon as possible. He's just a bully. He hasn't the courage to get out and live on his own and is taking out his self-hate and boredom out on an easy target.
    The most important thing you have to realise is very simple:
    - This is not your fault. It never was your fault. You never did anything to deserve this treatment.
    When you can tell yourself this, life with him in it, will seem a lil easier.
    I hope this helps and that you have a peaceful family Christmas.


  • Options
    #44
    Fad
    Registered Users Posts: 7,231 ✭✭✭Fad


    Pry into what exactly he's downloading, that he needs so much......

    And if you find out, tell your parents and see how they react, childish but embaressing for him.


  • Options
    #45
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,631 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    Fad wrote: »
    Pry into what exactly he's downloading, that he needs so much......

    And if you find out, tell your parents and see how they react, childish but embaressing for him.
    True I could think of several different ways to find all the porn he looks up, but I dont wish to traumatize the OP.


  • Options
    #46
    hatful
    Closed Accounts Posts: 346 ✭✭hatful


    I cannot believe that your parents have enabled this behavior for so long shame on them, they're just as bad as him for facilitating it. He shouldn't even be living at home he's a grown man with his own house and income for christ sake. Get out as soon as possible. I wouldn't try and get him back although it would be satisfying there's no point. Here's hoping one day when he's older he realises the relationship he's lost and the fool he's been.


  • Options
    #47
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    getting back at him is a really bad idea. He's much more practised than you at it so unless you're ready for an all out war i wouldn't do it.
    SpookyDoll wrote: »

    For all the people saying "stand up to him" -if he is a sociopath it will do no good whatsoever, except to feed and satisfy him.
    When i say stand up to him i mean stop allowing him to kick him out of the room because he's "banned" etc. It's all well and good to say avoid confrontation but he can't live like that


  • Options
    #48
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Sam Vimes wrote: »
    When i say stand up to him i mean stop allowing him to kick him out of the room because he's "banned" etc. It's all well and good to say avoid confrontation but he can't live like that

    I know what you mean, but even if the victim calmly proceeds to do exactly what she/he wants and totally disregard the socio-brothers "orders" what will end up happening is that the mad brother will become more determined than ever to cause more ingenious suffering to the victim.
    Seriously, as it is short term anyway, avoidance is the best way.

    With an ordinary person who is just dominant or a bully, yes standing up to them is fine as they will learn that the person who stands up to them is "equal in the pack" and eventually back off.

    But if this "controlling" brother is a sociopath/pschopath then they will never/ever learn and will see any defiance/retaliation as the victim engaging in an exciting mind game with them.

    It will heighten their pleasure and they will escalate their campaign.


  • Options
    #49
    Pub07
    Closed Accounts Posts: 532 ✭✭✭Pub07


    Walk into the sitting room and sit down and when he tells you you are not allowed just say "Why not ffs? We're not kids anymore, do you realise you are acting like a total weirdo?"


  • Options
    #50
    Pub07
    Closed Accounts Posts: 532 ✭✭✭Pub07


    SpookyDoll wrote: »
    With an ordinary person who is just dominant or a bully, yes standing up to them is fine as they will learn that the person who stands up to them is "equal in the pack" and eventually back off.

    But if this "controlling" brother is a sociopath/pschopath then they will never/ever learn and will see any defiance/retaliation as the victim engaging in an exciting mind game with them.

    So the op should just sit back and put up with this **** for another 20 or 30 years anytime he visits his parents? The situation should have been sorted out years ago, it is absurd. And this labelling of the brother as a sociopath/pschopath, has anyone here clinically analysed him? Has he assaulted or murdered anyone recently? People here are making him out to be a complete mental case. He sounds to me like a pathetic immature prick that has just never grown out of his childish habits of picking on his brother. If the op keeps caving in to his unreasonable behaviour he has no reason to change. You don't have to get violent or aggressive with him op just let him know how stupid he's acting and how you no longer putting up with it.


  • Options
    #51
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    So the op should just sit back and put up with this **** for another 20 or 30 years anytime he visits his parents?

    Yes, no choice. There are families out there living like it every day, these people like the brother will have insinuated themselves into the heart of the home, exploiting the parents pity and guilt no doubt in this case. Outrage will make not one jot of difference.
    The situation should have been sorted out years ago, it is absurd. And this labelling of the brother as a sociopath/pschopath, has anyone here clinically analysed him? Has he assaulted or murdered anyone recently?

    Good point, no one has clinically analysed him but its unlikely he will submit to it anyway. But going on what the OP has described he does sound a candidate, and with respect only a small number of sociopaths murder and assualt. Thats just what the layman sees on the telly. Their main activities are persistant harassment/bullying of those around them, colleagues/family/partners/children.
    People here are making him out to be a complete mental case. He sounds to me like a pathetic immature prick that has just never grown out of his childish habits of picking on his brother.

    That, essentially is what a sociopath is. They have the ego and sneakiness of a spoilt child, they are also usually cunning.
    If the op keeps caving in to his unreasonable behaviour he has no reason to change. You don't have to get violent or aggressive with him op just let him know how stupid he's acting and how you no longer putting up with it.

    It will not make one shred of difference.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    Sugar Drunk
    Registered Users Posts: 522 ✭✭✭Sugar Drunk


    Well done for being rational and for coping so far. I wish you all the best when you move out in January.

    Your brother is clearly a control freak and has a lot of issues. For a man of his age to be so obsessive about controlling his immediate environment is worrying I wonder does he have something along the lines of OCD or some kind of obsessive behaviour.

    Its sad that at 27 he does not have more interesting things in life to be focussing on.


  • Options
    #53
    Pigeon Reaper
    Registered Users Posts: 1,294 ✭✭✭Pigeon Reaper


    He's a stereotypical Bully. He's making your life difficult so needs to be confronted but try not to get upset when you confront him. Also avoid reacting to anything he does from now on as he seems to enjoy this.


  • Options
    #54
    ~nop~
    Closed Accounts Posts: 245 ✭✭~nop~


    If I were you I would tell your parents that you were not staying in the family home, make them come and visit you or something, or lay down some sort of ultimatum. Maybe that's just me but I just couldn't handle someone acting like that towards myself, and it sounds like someone needs to force action from your parents rather than just enabling them to stand by.

    Eitherway please don't take it personally. He sounds like a 10 year old with nothing going on in his life and you sound much better than that.


  • Options
    #55
    jim o doom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,474 ✭✭✭jim o doom


    Note for legal reasons I am not saying this is what "anyone" should do, or is a course of action that should be taken... but don't you have any large angry male friends who might take exception to your treatment? i.e. you invite them in on "his" night & bring them to the room in question, and see how he reacts to another man, who he can't just push around.. personally, if any of my female friends were being treated in such a base manner, I am sure me or any number of my mates would at the very least give said person a very stern talking to.


  • Options
    #56
    Sam Vimes
    Registered Users Posts: 21,611 ✭✭✭✭Sam Vimes


    SpookyDoll wrote: »
    I know what you mean, but even if the victim calmly proceeds to do exactly what she/he wants and totally disregard the socio-brothers "orders" what will end up happening is that the mad brother will become more determined than ever to cause more ingenious suffering to the victim.
    Seriously, as it is short term anyway, avoidance is the best way.

    i doubt that will do any good tbh since that's what he's been doing his entire life


  • Options
    #57
    Sugar Drunk
    Registered Users Posts: 522 ✭✭✭Sugar Drunk


    OP what do your parents have to say about this? I find it very strange that they allow it to continue if they are aware of it. Does it bother them that a 27 year old child dictates what happens under their roof? I would have a serious chat with them about it and tell them how you feel. Its awful that you dont feel welcome in your parents house.

    If you were to go into the sitting room when your brother is there and he claims your 'banned' what exactly does he react by doing?- does he get physically violent or is it all mental stuff?


  • Options
    #58
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your brother does sound mentally ill in some way. Does he behave like this with other people or just you? Does he behave the same way with men and with women? Does he react badly when confronted? You could seek help from a professional on how to deal with your brother, just say you're afraid he'll be violent and ask them for advice on that basis. Best policy is to ignore or make dismissive comments like "aren't you very childish" and so on. Ignore him as much as possible, don't let him know you're bothered. You need to explain to your parents that he needs help and you'll have no relationship with him in the long term if something isn't done. Go to an internet cafe and change all of your passwords. You could also get a cable and plug your laptop directly into the broadband box / wifi access point. It's highly unlikely internet is blocked in this way.

    I bet your brother has women issues, ie has no girlfriends.


  • Options
    #59
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i have a similair situation with my brother(i'm a 19 year old guy), he's 3 years older then me and i feel he goes at me because he was the youngest who had the most attention til i came along. my girlfriend seems to have a similair much less extreme problem with her older brother.

    it escalated a couple of years ago when we were fighting and he pushed me thru a glass table. he was guilty i know though he'd never say it but since them i've just been staying away from him as much as i can and when he does see me he's nice enough(according to his standards) to me. to me though he's always going to be a bollox

    so january should be good! good luck!


Advertisement