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Ex friend & birthday gifts

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  • 17-05-2020 2:54pm
    #1
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭


    Myself and my close friend have recently fallen out, for the second time. We fell out a few months ago due to her actions & behaviour towards me. But we made up and moved on. Until it happened again in recent weeks. I feel that this time, this is it, and there won't be any going back. I'm not willing to go back to being treated badly. We are barely in touch at the moment, an occasional awkward text message here and there. One issue is that we live in the same estate and our kids go to the same school, so I would usually see her every day. Not right now with schools closed, but I would prefer to minimise any awkwardness when schools start back. I will still see her around too, as we live in such close proximity. Her kids birthdays are coming up. We usually buy each others kids gifts, about 30 each. Should I still buy them gifts this time? There is definitely no going back for our friendship, but I don't want there to be awkwardness either. In one sense I feel like it would send a strong message to her if I don't, that I am done with her ****e, but on the other hand I feel like why should the kids be dragged into this, just send them money in cards and be done with it. Her sons are 10 and 6 years old and I think they will be expecting gifts from me.
    Would you still buy your ex friends kids gifts if they had treated you badly?


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    #2
    radiotrickster
    Registered Users Posts: 858 ✭✭✭radiotrickster


    Are your kids friends with each other?

    If they are and you’re expecting them to go back to playing with each other after this, then send them presents as it’s not from you, it’s from them.

    If they’re not, the kids probably won’t notice that you didn’t send anything.


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    #3
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,378 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    You didn't fall out with her kids. I'd buy the gifts.


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    #4
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    radiotrickster wrote: »
    Are your kids friends with each other?

    If they are and you’re expecting them to go back to playing with each other after this, then send them presents as it’s not from you, it’s from them.

    If they’re not, the kids probably won’t notice that you didn’t send anything.

    They are friends but they wouldn't play together much. If we went to each other's houses for a cuppa, our kids would happily play together, but not outside of that environment. However, as they get older they could, I don't know. They will probably be going to the same secondary school too. I'm leaning towards just sending cash in cards and be done with it. It will be the last time anyway, because I am not willing to give this friendship a third attempt when such bad sh*t went down. By the time Xmas comes around, the kids will have noticed we're not around anymore, and I don't think there'd be an expectation of gifts etc at that point. There are other ways I can send the message to this person that I'm moving on.


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    #5
    Notmything
    Registered Users Posts: 975 ✭✭✭Notmything


    Buy their kid a present, put your kids name on the card to say who it's from.


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    #6
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users Posts: 472 ✭✭Pistachio19


    I wouldn't bother. We don't talk to a family member. We stopped gifts when we stopped talking. Why try to maintain a relationship with the kids when you won't be seeing them socially again? You've made your decision regarding the friendship, your kids are not going to be playing together, so cut your ties now and move on.


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    #7
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Please don’t bother with the presents any more. This really isn’t a big deal at all. Friendships can die the same as romantic relationships. Sometimes there isn’t even a row, it’s just....over.
    So no more awkward texts and no more birthday presents.
    If you encounter her in the estate or in the shops or at the school just smile and mouth “hi” but keep going. Don’t go out of your way to avoid her. Remember that she’s probably not sorry that your friendship is over either.
    Put it out of your head and try to meet some new friends. You’ll be surprised how quickly you forget the whole thing if you keep busy.


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    #8
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    Thanks for the replies. I sent cash in cards by post, even though I could have hand delivered, didn't want to go near her house in case I saw her. I guess it's a final farewell of sorts. I have already decided not to reply if she texts me thanking me. Or I might reply with a one liner.
    Either way I'm going to feel her wrath. She's a very judgemental type and loves to talk about people. It's part of the reason we fell out, cos I pulled her up on it and then she turned on me. So either way I'm going to be the subject of judgemental gossip by her & whoever will listen. I'm prepared for it but it bothers me that she could turn other school mums against me, and I hate all that school gate politics stuff.


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    #9
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I wouldnt buy the kids gifts.

    It sounds like you only did that cos you (adults) were friends, and your kids only played cos you (adults) were friends too.

    You’re only giving your ex friend an ‘in’, and making seem as though you’re semi apologising. I genuinely think the kids won’t care, possibly wondering for 5 mins why you didn’t get them a pressie.

    I wouldn’t go there.


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    #10
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I wouldnt buy the kids gifts.

    It sounds like you only did that cos you (adults) were friends, and your kids only played cos you (adults) were friends too.

    You’re only giving your ex friend an ‘in’, and making seem as though you’re semi apologising. I genuinely think the kids won’t care, possibly wondering for 5 mins why you didn’t get them a pressie.

    I wouldn’t go there.

    Yeah, now that's it's done, I'm wondering if it was the right thing for me to do. But it's done nonetheless.
    Admittedly part of the reason was to give her less to talk about....although she'll still talk....I'll be added to the long list of people she hates and talks sh*t about and judges.


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    #11
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    Yeah, now that's it's done, I'm wondering if it was the right thing for me to do. But it's done nonetheless.
    Admittedly part of the reason was to give her less to talk about....although she'll still talk....I'll be added to the long list of people she hates and talks sh*t about and judges.

    Sorry, we crossed messages by a few minutes. I hadn’t seen your latest before I replied.

    But sure it’s done now. And it’s not a bad thing. Just be strong, and don’t let her get to you again. Easier said than done, I know.

    Can I ask, were you the poster with a narcissistic father? I only ask because it sounds like you might have a history of trying to ‘please’ family/friends. Sounds like you’ve seen the light re this ‘friend’ though, so that’s good for you.


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    #12
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    Sorry, we crossed messages by a few minutes. I hadn’t seen your latest before I replied.

    But sure it’s done now. And it’s not a bad thing. Just be strong, and don’t let her get to you again. Easier said than done, I know.

    Can I ask, were you the poster with a narcissistic father? I only ask because it sounds like you might have a history of trying to ‘please’ family/friends. Sounds like you’ve seen the light re this ‘friend’ though, so that’s good for you.

    Yes that's me. And yes, I do have a history of trying to please people and be a yes woman. But I've turned a corner, to some degree anyway. Once I did it once it's been a bit easier the subsequent times. I do still have a fear I suppose of people not liking me but I need to get over it. It won't be easy this time as I see the person so regularly.


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    #13
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’m delighted for you. You’re standing up for yourself - that’s great. And you’ve dropped a ‘friend’ who has treated you badly. Good for you.

    I totally understand why you bought pressies for her kids, but I think you know yourself that’s not a sustainable path.


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    #14
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I’m delighted for you. You’re standing up for yourself - that’s great. And you’ve dropped a ‘friend’ who has treated you badly. Good for you.

    I totally understand why you bought pressies for her kids, but I think you know yourself that’s not a sustainable path.

    You’re progressing, without even acknowledging it. I’m very happy for you.


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    #15
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    Yeah, now that's it's done, I'm wondering if it was the right thing for me to do. But it's done nonetheless.
    Admittedly part of the reason was to give her less to talk about....although she'll still talk....I'll be added to the long list of people she hates and talks sh*t about and judges.

    I wouldn't be surprised if everyone already knows what she's like and takes what she says with a pinch of salt. They might smile and nod to her face, but probably roll their eyes at what she's saying as soon as her back is turned.


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    #16
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I’m delighted for you. You’re standing up for yourself - that’s great. And you’ve dropped a ‘friend’ who has treated you badly. Good for you.

    I totally understand why you bought pressies for her kids, but I think you know yourself that’s not a sustainable path.

    Thank you. And thanks for your advice on the previous issue, it genuinely helped me a lot.


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    #17
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    My advice: stop trying to please people who treat you badly. Whether parent or ‘friend’.

    I know that’s hard. But it’s really worth it


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    #18
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    I agree.
    I'm sick of being Mrs Nice Guy and being walked all over.


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    #19
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    I agree.
    I'm sick of being Mrs Nice Guy and being walked all over.

    I know. I get it. But I think it’s new to you, standing up for yourself. You’re in the right direction. But it might take a while.

    Edit to add that im so happy for you. You’re not only dealing with your family issues - you’re also dealing with issues outside your family. That’s brilliant. And I know how much agonising it takes. Good on you.


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    #20
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    Update: sending the cards was a mistake. It kicked off a huge row. Should have left it be.


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    #21
    crazylady1
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭crazylady1


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    Update: sending the cards was a mistake. It kicked off a huge row. Should have left it be.

    Hi op. I've been following your thread. I also had a narcissist father. I only came to the realisation recently enough. I also attract alot of narcissistic and toxic people.

    My opinion is this woman is very toxic. She loves drama and was spoiling for a fight. It wouldn't have mattered if you sent the card or not. Whatever you you did would have been wrong in her eyes. You can't win with people like this. They find fault with everything.

    Don't give her anymore of your energy. She doesn't deserve it. Just concentrate on your own life and family. Wishing you well op


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    #22
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,927 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Ah OP that's really bad form on her part. It wasn't a mistake at all. If it was me I'd always be wonder should I have sent it. You did a nice thing and if she reacted badly to it..that's on her not you.


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    #23
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    Update: sending the cards was a mistake. It kicked off a huge row. Should have left it be.

    Don’t engage any more on any level, resist resist resist. It takes 2 to row. Don’t do it.


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    #24
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    Toots wrote: »
    I wouldn't be surprised if everyone already knows what she's like and takes what she says with a pinch of salt. They might smile and nod to her face, but probably roll their eyes at what she's saying as soon as her back is turned.

    Yeah, I think this could be the case alright


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    #25
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    splinter65 wrote: »
    Don’t engage any more on any level, resist resist resist. It takes 2 to row. Don’t do it.

    Absolutely! I took everything she said on the chin and resisted the urge to respond. Instead I wrote out my reply and sent it to myself, just to get it off my chest.


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    #26
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users Posts: 472 ✭✭Pistachio19


    Did she send you a message? Great that you didn't give her the satisfaction of a response. Block her number and block her from all social media.


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    #27
    Dog day
    Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »
    Absolutely! I took everything she said on the chin and resisted the urge to respond. Instead I wrote out my reply and sent it to myself, just to get it off my chest.

    Hi OP, I’ve been following your thread, you got good advice here & well done on not responding to her. The most powerful response with people like this is to disengage! Don’t give this person any more fuel. Well done! :)


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    #28
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Dog day wrote: »
    Hi OP, I’ve been following your thread, you got good advice here & well done on not responding to her. The most powerful response with people like this is to disengage! Don’t give this person any more fuel. Well done! :)

    People can become addicted to outrage and rows and drama. Not responding,no matter how much goading goes on, starves them of O2 and very shortly they’ll go elsewhere to get their fix.


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