Now ye're talking - to a Helpline Volunteer

Deleted User wrote: »

The thing is though that a person may be reaching out to you hoping to hear "please don't do this". I do think that there are those who have given up on life and no amount of support and treatment will change that. However it can be next to impossible to distinguish between that person and the one who wants to live but is also desperate and hopeless. So surely our first line of help is always to help them live.

Agreed- most people reach out because they don't want to die. In my experience I do not think it is "next to impossible to distinguish between that person and the one who wants to live but is also desperate and hopeless". People have been pretty clear in identifying where they want to die in order to escape the pain and suffering they are enduring. People who have given up on life have illustrated this by not having the ability to drive to a hospital for a pill that would make everything better (if such a pill were to exist). The first line of help is always to help them live if that is what they want to do. So is every subsequent line. because as long as someone wants to live, we will support that anyway we can.

Deleted User wrote: »

Being able to support and offer hope to a suicidal person doesn't need to be about judgement. Instead of there only being two options in the example you gave OP what about a third one?

"Tell me about yourself"
"Who is in your life"
"Do you have a mam and dad"
"What's your favourite music"

Lookit it's very difficult work you do and even the above might not be appropriate depending on the person's state of mind. Just try to encourage them to live first before accepting they want to die.

I really appreciate you trying to identify non-judgmental ways of exploring a person's life. You are clearly able to empathize with someone in this position. I think your questions are valid as we would use some of them everyday on the phone. specially asking "who is in your life". We use similar wording to identify sources of support or stress that might exist around people.

manonboard wrote: »

You seem to have such high levels of empathy whilst not allowing it to overwhelm you and making their needs about your feelings about it. That is a beautiful skill-set to possess. It's very inspiring to know there are people like you on the end of those helplines.

Thanks for your kind message. The organization I volunteer with has shown me the power of giving some structure, training and tools to a group of people who have a deep well of caring. They put the service users at the center of what we do and I am lucky to have an opportunity to help someone within the environment of an organization that tries to ensure I provide the best service possible.

manonboard wrote: »

Op. I just wanted to commend your ridiculously advance emotional management skills. There is some responsibility shifting occurring in some responses, but i think you sound like you really know what you are doing.

If you feel like it, I would be interested in seeing where you identify responsibility shifting. A second pair of eyes may give me some food for thought I would be open to. No pressure!

manonboard wrote: »

When i was younger, I had to deal with some similar situations, and it was only as i gained experienced.. That i realized how little power i had to change someones mind.. that supporting them in anything they choose.. generally gave far better results in the long term.

I too was not aware of the power of non-judgmental listening until I experienced it first hand (in my case on the receiving end). The less judgmental of a person I am, the more I like myself.

Gangu wrote:

Is the organisation that you volunteer for religious?

The organisation is not affiliated with any religion and has volunteers from several religions that I know of. Faith is important to a lot of people who call so we respect their beliefs, and generally should never discuss our own thoughts on religion with service users.

Emme wrote: »

I was in an abusive relationship at one stage and one night I rang a well-known helpline after months of emotional abuse and a bout of physical abuse. I was living with the abusive bf at the time.

The man on the helpline (he sounded like a middle-aged man) asked was I married to the man who was abusing me. I said I was not and that he was my bf.
The helpline operator then asked if I slept with my bf. I said I did, we were living together.

He then said to me that the abuse was my fault for sleeping with my bf without being married and he treated me that way because I had no respect for myself.
I was too browbeaten from the abuse to realise that the helpline operator was completely out of line and probably a pervert to boot. I should have reported him but I didn't and at that time (the mid 90s) they may not have recorded calls.

Goodness knows how many problems this man got off on and how many callers' trust he abused. That call put me into a worse hole than I was in already. If I had told him I was married he probably would have told me I was getting abused because I didn't obey my husband.

Ever since then I do not trust helplines and I would not call one. OP how are helpline operators monitored now? How are they screened? I take it the organisation can monitor calls better with technology thank goodness.

Hi Emme,

Like Gloomtastic, I find your experience shocking. I find the actions of that volunteer disgusting and in noo way defensible. He should not have been on the phones. Any user of a helpline should not have been exposed to someone like that. Someone who would verbally abuse people in a vulnerable position (or not).

Every service that I am aware of that take complaints seriously. They often rely on users to submit complaints, or on other volunteers to raise the behaviour of people like this. Not all services record calls. I agree with you that technology can be used to monitor calls better, however how much calls are monitored varies wildly between services (as I understand).

Personally, I have reported complaints from callers about other volunteers. Each one has been reported to management. Nothing I have seen would come as close to the sickening behaviour of that volunteer. Which raises the question- are callers more likely to call back with a complaint if what they are complaining about is less "extreme" that the experience you have shared? If that is true, then maybe all helplines demonstrate they have better techniques to monitor calls than relying on service users to report it. It is certainly food for thought for me.

After your experience it is no wonder you don't trust helplines. If you do end up getting in contact with one again I hope that experience is worlds different than the one you have shared.

Thank you for sharing.