Relationship Mess

Take away the cross dressing element and look at it for what it is. You have caught your partner attempting to engage sexually with other people online. Doesn't matter if its other cross dressers, a man, or a woman.
He has betrayed your trust and been extremely disrespectful. I think your course of action would be a lot clearer if you had found him on Plenty of Fish or Tinder, the cross dressing element is muddying the waters.
But the principle is the same - he has betrayed your trust.

FWIW I know of a couple who went through a similar thing and he ended up guilt tripping her into forgiving him by implying she was bigoted against his cross dressing for having a problem with it. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but he shouldn't get a free pass just because of that aspect of his life.

Attempting to cheat is attempting to cheat and its unacceptable.

Ok so your partner is a cross dresser and likes to involve himself in that - privately. You are being supportive and would.like.him to.dress for.you but he has not engaged with that - you are being open and honest and in fairness fairly openminded about it all, but he prefers this aspect of his life to be something he does seperate you your relationship.

Now you find he is wanting to get more involved in the cross dressing scene rather than 'just 'do it privately. There is a big cross dressing scene with places you can meet & be dressed up,be taught to do make uo,dress up in 'hired' clothes and hang out in private 'club' areas with others also cross dressed, or go out with others in the attire. He may be dabbling in some or want to expand into different aspects of this and share and discuss this with other crossdressing men. You have to admit its not a typical hobby. He dosn't want to share this with you (which you already know) or for you and your perspective to be part of his hobby. Which is fair enough. I imagine if.it was flyfishing or rugby you probably wouodn't be as concerned or interested.

You possibly see or fear it as a sex thing or possibly see it as a threat or think it may become one. This is not necessarily the case and an interest in cross dressing dosn't necessarily meanthat he is gay or a supressed gay or wants to be physically be with another man in that way.

He is right about you snòoping and I guess in something like this its normal to be worried and to want to see whats going in and know where you stand. I wonder how did.you find out in the first place? I would imagine it would be a fairly well hidden secret and not one he would want others to know about . This may be part of his reaction to your digging as would be for any private matter or secret you want to keep.

As regarding both of your ultimatums I can't imagine he would want to.give it up or in the circumstances you describe in your living conditions- have to - he can carry on without you knowing or it being part of.your life. All he has to do is set up anew email and clear his history. It's obviously important to.him and he want to meet and share it with like.minded men and share/discuss/swap clothes/ male makeuup/techniques whatever. It must be very hard but I would apologise and say you are sorry and say you don't want him to give it up or share it with you but that are worried about sexual infidelity and this underpins your worry and reaction to it. See what he says. There is no guarantee it will never happen as part of his experimentation but equally cross dressing is not necessarily a sex thing - he may have zero interest in that aspect at all - but I expect you need to have this expressed and confirmed.

As regards your relationship after 8 years and all of your 30's spent with one person I would have imagined you might have evolved into something more than sex and a visit once a fortnight and him never making the effort. Ypu say he is a lovely man. No doubt he is. But in terms of a long term relationship perhaps you are worth more than no effort to meet up and sex twice a month... Maybe your relationship is somewhere for you both to hide and be confortable rather than evolve into a mature long term loving shared household and partnership. Perhaps its time to be friends and find someone who you can have a more typical loving relationship with and not just visits for sex with a lovely man occasionally - seperate to the entire crossdressing factor.

Dial Hard wrote: »

Was he trying to engage sexually with them, though??? To me, that wasn't necessarily clear. It sounds very possible that he may have just been trying to link in with other people in the community as a "shared hobby" kind of thing. I think the OP needs to establish which it was, first and foremost.

I would imagine if he was using them to make platonic connections he would have been clear about it, but OP said:

I argue that he shouldn't be on these sites if he is sexually happily with me. He won't answer me when I ask him 'why are you on these sites'.

His intentions don't appear to be honest and innocent if he won't even discuss why he's using the sites.

OP will need to clarify to be sure though. My advice would be completely different if he was using them for friendship purposes but that doesn't appear to be the case.

Having read the OP, I simply say that you need to get drop this gent post haste.

You do deserve better,and you do need to get rid.
Sounds like the cross dressing isn't the biggest problem in your relationship.

Partner is a CrossDresser wrote: »

The first profile was on a porn site with photos of him dressed - so whilst i didn't go logging into his account, the very nature of the site suggests there is more than talking about makeup

I know you won't believe this. But it really is because it's hard to find other places online not connected with sex for the community.

He probably wishes there were more options.

I am not telling you how to feel or what you are feeling is not valid.

But i know so many guys like this on those sites. Some are gay some are straight....for the straight ones its the only place they can go. They have no interest in men whatsoever they just like to wear women's clothing sometimes.

Sometimes when something is unacceptable to general society people get pushed into weird corners that is what has happened to the straight male cross dressing community.

Having said all that your feelings are your feelings. I don't think you mean to be controlling. I guess you are just worried about being hurt etc.

Ultimately its your decision on whether this relationship is right for you or not. And there is no right or wrong decision.

You can always talk to him etc and ask questions and then see how you feel. Maybe it will help you decide.

Good luck anyway OP. I hope you feel happier soon.

Bye.