Irish Jokes

Bootup · 18-04-2012 12:31pm

Paddy meets Mick at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Mick says, "Hey Paddy, what's wrong?" Paddy says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie only'. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

Bootup · 20-04-2012 11:43am

Paddy was going fishing and called Mick on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.

"I'll see what I can round up for you before you get here," replied Mick.

When he arrived, there were two tarty-looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Paddy asked Mick.

"Well," Mick answered, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple local ladies for you, like you asked, but what the hell is a panoe?"

Bootup · 22-04-2012 3:12pm

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are
you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall." Murphy replied,
"Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied with a smile,
"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the
tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this.
Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I
lost the sausage in the third pub."

MonkieSocks · 24-04-2012 9:56am

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing Paddy replied,

'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the fookin length

Bootup · 27-04-2012 10:46am

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Bootup · 28-04-2012 2:54pm

Paddy and Mick shared first prize of €500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.

"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," Mick said with a worried frown, "what will we do with all them beggin' letters?"

"Aah to be shure," said Paddy, "we'll just go on sending 'em out."

Spread · 28-04-2012 3:03pm

Bootup wrote: »

Paddy was going fishing and called Mick on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day. "I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.

"I'll see what I can round up for you before you get here," replied Mick.

When he arrived, there were two tarty-looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" Paddy asked Mick.

"Well," Mick answered, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple local ladies for you, like you asked, but what the hell is a panoe?"

A trapper who lived near the Sioux
Wired home for 2 punts, 1 canoe
The answer next day
Said, "Cunts on the way -
But what the fucks a panoe".

Bootup · 02-05-2012 2:23pm

Paddy is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

Paddy thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.Paddy starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

Paddy says, "I want two more of these."

Bootup · 04-05-2012 11:47am

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'.

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

LONE WOLFF · 04-05-2012 11:56pm

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6 of them!

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane
could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where
we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.'

LONE WOLFF · 05-05-2012 12:13am

Irishman, Scotsman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar,
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional,
You know said the Scot," I still prefer the pubs back home, why in glasgow there is a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy you the 5th drink after you buy 4.

" well " said the englishman "at my local the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you the third drink after you buy the first two"

" ahhh thats nothing" said the Irishman " back home in Dublin there is Ryans bar. Now the moment that you set foot in the place they will buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you have had your fill, they will take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house.

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishmans claims.
He swears it is true,
"well said the Englishman " did this actually happen to you"?

" No, not me personally" said the Irishman. " but it did happen to my sister."

LONE WOLFF · 05-05-2012 10:36pm

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland.

They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage Up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.
At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place."
He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says, "F*** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too F***'n dangerous for
me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff,
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi,
Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when
Sean O'Driscoll appears.
He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which
he pulls a chicken.
Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief,
"F*** dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me....
first dere was Gerry with his budgie jump! ing, ....
den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his F***'n
hengliding !!!

shawnee · 06-05-2012 8:39am

excellent , need time to read it though !:D

LONE WOLFF · 07-05-2012 8:24pm

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own b*****" !!!.

Bootup · 10-05-2012 6:56pm

Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'

Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'

Bootup · 14-05-2012 2:10pm

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's
families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The
police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families
were in court. The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?" Paddy
rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what
happened." "Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand." Paddy explaned, "Per
tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I
finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second
song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third
song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and
gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!" The
shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?" replied Paddy, "He broke three of my fingers!"

Bootup · 16-05-2012 2:05pm

O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when, lo and behold, he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare, and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom.
"Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!"
Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees.
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions
and two nymphomaniacs.

Suddenly inspiration hits him. "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

Bootup · 20-05-2012 5:59pm

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

Bootup · 24-05-2012 7:36pm

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

MonkieSocks · 28-05-2012 10:17am

Paddy an Mick are out in the car when they get pulled over by the police..

The men stop and open their window.. Cop says: "We're looking for 2 rapists."

They quickly close the window and begin arguing..

After a couple of minutes they open the window again and say:

"Fook it, We'll do it..!"

Bootup · 02-06-2012 5:05pm

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Bootup · 04-06-2012 6:57pm

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

MonkieSocks · 06-06-2012 10:25am

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'

Bootup · 06-06-2012 2:45pm

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night drowning his sorrows.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.”

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"shi*e" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way!”

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jessie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jessie. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called....You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

MonkieSocks · 06-06-2012 3:08pm

Irishman Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.

No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby.

The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mikey.

Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts,"Wait a minute.

Hold the lantern, Mikey.

" Soon the doctor delivers the next child.

"You've a full set now, Mikey.

A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.

The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

Bootup · 07-06-2012 7:23pm

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk; suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Bootup · 09-06-2012 1:27pm

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

Bootup · 04-07-2012 1:18pm

Paddy who smelled like beer sat down on aBus next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of Whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
Ater a few minutes Paddy turned to the priest and asked, 'excuse me Father but what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
Paddy muttered in response, 'Well, that's a shock,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the Paddy and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

Paddy answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!!'

Bootup · 04-07-2012 7:46pm

Mick: How can you prove that a horse has six legs?

Paddy: A horse has forelegs in front and two behind

Bootup · 06-07-2012 8:30pm

Paddy and Mick were on the diving team to go down to the wreck of the Titanic. On surfacing the TV news reporters asked them what impressed them most.
'Well lads' said Paddy, 'you'll never believe it, but after all these years the top deck swimming pool is still full!"

Irish Jokes

Comments