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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #4052
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,316 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    dolanbaker wrote: »
    Hi all, I've volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Athlone , which apparently were made by a tried and regulated, Russian Pharmaceutical company.

    I received my first shot and wanted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκιχoρoshό Я чувствую себя немного странно и думаю, что трахнул твою мать. сука ебать

    I tried the German vaccine and now I'm in the Sudetenland.


  • #4053
    waynescales1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,965 ✭✭✭waynescales1


    Me: "Hello, emergency services? Yeah, I've got a cow stuck half way in my fridge!"

    ES: "Is it Friesian?"

    Me: "No it's still warm, but how do I get this cow out?"


  • #4054
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My grandad has a plaque on his head in memory of a park bench that passed away


  • #4055
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Just found out that there is a library in my local town centre. They kept that quiet.


  • #4056
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off it's tail... it will be delighted!


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  • #4057
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Last night I watched the uncut version of Scarface. It's called ... Face.


  • #4058
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life."

    He came fifth, and won a toaster.


  • #4059
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I once called Seaworld. They said my call was being recorded for training Porpoises.


  • #4060
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I asked out IT expert at work if "beef stew" was a good password. He said "No, it's not Stroganoff"


  • #4061
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Madam Tussaud's have just finished their new wax model of Bonnie Tyler, but there's a problem....

    Every now and then it falls apart.


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  • #4062
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call a mexican carpet layer? Underlay, underlay!


  • #4063
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.


  • #4064
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A lone sniper is about to assassinate President Trump.
    Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
    He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse".
    A shot rang out and Trump fell dead​​.
    As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse".
    'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"


  • #4065
    TheChevron
    Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    Picked up a COVID mask for my pet duck.

    Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.


  • #4066
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....


  • #4067
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    dolanbaker wrote: »
    Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

    I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....


  • #4068
    frag420
    Registered Users Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    Bob Harris wrote: »
    I could have sworn that joke was about the Swiss flag....

    Its jokes like that, that make the Swedes cross...


  • #4069
    foxy farmer
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭foxy farmer


    How do you make a Swiss roll?
    Push him down the mountain.

    How do you make a Maltese cross?
    Stand on his toe.


  • #4070
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    dolanbaker wrote: »
    Say what you want about Sweden.... But their flag is a big plus....

    The Japanese Flag is a Venn Diagram of the amount of Japan that is Japan


  • #4071
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    A woman is walking past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window. 'F*nny licking frog for sale,€25'.
    So she went in and said 'can I see the f*nny licking frog please'.-the man behind the counter replied-'bonjour'.


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  • #4072
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,770 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #4073
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    iamstop wrote: »
    i love all these flag jokes. Semme them all. But semme four at a time.

    I ordered our national flag from a printer in black and white, but he told me to tricolour.


  • #4074
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Two cowboys are lost in the desert.
    One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon.
    "A bacon tree! We're saved!" He says.
    He runs up and gets riddled with bullets.

    It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.


  • #4075
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    A female CNN journalist heard about a very elderly Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
    So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
    She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
    "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
    "Morris Feinberg," he replied.
    "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
    "For about 60 years."
    "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
    "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
    "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
    "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
    "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
    The journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
    "Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."


  • #4076
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

    It was sole destroying.


  • #4077
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,295 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Did you put your foot down, Ted?


  • #4078
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    There was no trainers of any description there.


  • #4079
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Ted_YNWA wrote: »
    I used to have a job in a shoe recycling factory, but I had to quit.

    It was sole destroying.
    Come admit it, you got the boot.


  • #4080
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,295 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...


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  • #4081
    IrishZeus
    Registered Users Posts: 1,887 ✭✭✭IrishZeus


    New Home wrote: »
    I don't know what I'd have done in your shoes...

    You’d be a shoe-in for the role - just step on up.


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