What's the etiquette here??

How we doing folks? First time poster on this fine thread here. I have several issues with the labour ward in work, some of which I'm willing to overlook on account of being paid to degick and having the benefit of free toilet roll and a very effective flush. However, my main issues are as follows:

Toilet roll dispensers that dispense from the middle of the roll and leave you having to tease the toilet paper from the dispenser so that you can get a decent wad, whereupon you have to iron it flat with your hand on your lap before you go to town on that bad boy, cause it's a sure way to get your hole if you don't put in this ground work. I mean, has the inventor of this toilet roll dispenser ever actually wiped an arse before?

My second issue is the base level stench, which is a mixture of baby sick, stale fags, piss and floral breeze (god loves a trier), even though there are no babies present and no smokers in the vicinity. Now I'll freely admit that I have on several occasions overwhelmed said base level stench with my own murmurings but it's not welcoming when you assume the position initially.

AloeVera is the contracted sponsor for this thread, my friend.

We have a three year deal with them.

tgdaly wrote: »

I'm usually a once a day person when it comes to coffee. While I usually drink it quite strong, I wouldn't say I much of a tolerance to the stuff when it comes to "greasing the engine" so to speak

Anyways I knecked 2 cups into me this morning and have since coated the pan twice with a nice shade of Dulux Woodland Brown. Hoping things have settled down now again

Matt,Gloss,or Emulsion?

Not flushing away your turds is an assault on the next user :mad:

Gael23 wrote: »

Pushed out a non flusher this morning. A little embarrassing having to wait in the bathroom for the cistern to fill up before trying another attempt at disposal

Poor etiquette Gael, wrap the lamh around a good ‘wodge’ of AloeVera,
dip in ,grab the offending bolus,open the fuinneog and cant her into the next garden or if in a rural setting into the hedging.

Magpies love a nice shiny log, especially if there’s a run of Dalton’s SpiceBurger thru it.

Lads will shift it quanto rapido, job done, no panic.

(Washyerhands)

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Poor etiquette Gael, wrap the lamh around a good ‘wodge’ of AloeVera,
dip in ,grab the offending bolus,open the fuinneog and cant her into the next garden or if in a rural setting into the hedging.

Magpies love a nice shiny log, especially if there’s a run of Dalton’s SpiceBurger thru it.

Lads will shift it quanto rapido, job done, no panic.

(Washyerhands)

Dipping the hand it to retrieve a log is beyond the pale. The problem I have found is that after the first flush the structural integrity of the log diminishes considerably. It's just going to slip through your fingers and you are left there looking at it like a small child at the beech trying to grab a fistfull of saturated wet sand.

Quantum Baloney wrote: »

Yep. Happened to me many times. Worst time was on Christmas day in Balbriggan at in-laws. I was trapped in downstairs bathroom as the call went out to be seated for dinner. Family was sat down at the table and I was there desperately trying a forth flush on very rich smelling minerally load other side of the hollow wall. I was standing around like a fool waiting for the cistern to fill and got a bit anxious cranking the handle before it ready and making things worse. I think that day was probably the last day I prayed to god for assistance. Eventually had to push it down the pipes with the brush. Still remember the feeling of fear re-joining the table and the tawny coloured streaks and clotted paper I left on the porcelain.

About 20 years ago (yeah it was October 2000 as I'm still traumatised by it). I was working with a painter for a few weeks while waiting for exams results. Anyway, one evening I was sent to some offices to paint. This was about 7-8pm as the place would be empty.

The place had only one unisex toilet. Also i was not on my own- there was this absolute babe working late also but in a different part of the same floor. She was 2-3 years younger than me I knew her family but not her personally.

Anyway, I had to drop anchor which proceeded without incident until that bad boy just started acting up and was going nowhere bobbing away. At that point I heard the babe outside the door- clearly waiting to use the facilities. Oh Christ...I too prayed to God for assistance on the 2-3 flush. The cistern seemed to take an absolute fcuking eternity to fill up...TBH I kinda blacked out on the 4th flush I was so deranged and I can't remember leaving the toilet. Only extensive therapy will get those memories back. I could hear her huffing and puffing outisde the door.

I'm still not right after it and that scene from "Dumb and Dumber" sends me off into the middle distance like some Vietnam vet reliving the horrors.

Well my day was a different one to yours Nev..
Settled in to discharge a nice girthy chubb.
It obviously settled well.
Fair ol bang from it so decided to flush the monster whilst still seated..
The fish bowl filled too high to my horror and the cluster ended up submerged in blue loo sh1te infested waters.
Dear god, I'm still not the better of it after the undercarriage was left 'branded' in the blue stuff..

I’ve just had brown piss come out of my arsehole

gerrybbadd wrote: »

I'm in the same boat brother.

Had a large curry chips, spring roll and a chicken fillet "sizzler" burger, that i'm pretty convinced was a spicy breaded doggie chew toy in a bun.

The farts were unbridled this morning, thick, odious, hot expulsions. The kids couldn't wait to get out for a breath of fresh air this morning, away from it. Pretty much an onslaught.

Had to pinch the sphincter tight for the duck waddle in to the jacks there a few mins ago. The second the cheeks hit plastic, the cow pat landed.

Cow Pat!!!

You got lucky bro.

Had a feed of ‘Patays Jumbo Spring Rolls Monster Box’ two nights ago.

Next morning arose around 0615 and had a ‘sudden surge’ knew there was trouble ahead.

Unfortunately there was slippage in the ‘firing pin’ and while I was poised over ground zero waiting for the ‘slow closer’ to get over half way down,

gouted a hot watery blast of sour midden all over the unit.

Serious footprint of mush........ still not fully cleaned.

There was a lad on Sean Moncrieff's programme on Newstalk this afternoon talking about selling recordings of farts that he and a few other lads had compiled over the year since the lockdown.
Flatulence.space is the link.
If fart sounds are truly in demand this sounds like a money spinner for some of us on here (myself included!)

Aglomerado wrote: »

There was a lad on Sean Moncrieff's programme on Newstalk this afternoon talking about selling recordings of farts that he and a few other lads had compiled over the year since the lockdown.
Flatulence.space is the link.
If fart sounds are truly in demand this sounds like a money spinner for some of us on here (myself included!)

Alexa is your friend, A.