TCN DAILY NEWS

southcentralts · 01-07-2016 9:26pm #1

TCN DAILY NEWS

Secondly the HEADLINES

First up tonight is the menace of evil corporate interests, blatently and with utmost malace
stomping the little guy, your friendly local news service as we see shocking footage of Waterford Whisers News
spies infiltrating our beloved TCN Daily News servers once again stealing our best jokes, doing all our drugs
AND LEAVING FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER THE BUTTER (even on the bottom, we checked).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UD8jZaAFYW0

And now for SPORTS

Britian has issued an urgend recall of all rugby players, who must return home. They are advised to
drop everything immediately and return home by the fastest possible means and also they must purchase oars, as many as you can handle.
We are advised that they must make their way to the coast to help in the great effort to excise Britain from europe through a riggorous rowing effort, a voyage proposed to
take 2 years, where they are going and whether or not Scotland will also be departing are unknowns at this time. Over to our corrospondant, Position Vacent, for more.

And now for Weather

weather is Grand / Not Grand

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oo6tyeQJDLQ

In other news

Re-Regging is on the rise in the soccer forum over the past few weeks, idle speculation links this with ducks with vast fortunes, cyclists stealing bottles of
water from open windowed cars on the M8 moterway, ennis, Co. Clare and the other side praying harder, stronger and faster!

southcentralts · 02-07-2016 2:11pm

Tonights tale of mystery and intrigue takes a rather personal turn as I happen to find myself in the center of our main story.

So there this reporter was casually enjoying retirement in my northern retreat, sunning myself,

when an apparition appeared before me and spoke in a dublin accent I have never before heard and somehow understood flawlessly, I doubted my eyes as aul Sarks heself told me to go to the top of the mountain and await further instructions! The climb was a little awkward since small talk was exhausted pretty quickly in the early stages. upon reaching the top of the mountain I was told of my great destiny. I am to become the salvation of The Cuckoos Nest. To do this I must delegate all the work and responsibility to everybody else for them to accomplish everything while I enjoy a nice drink.

You are hereby charged with the building of a wall around TCN to stem the rising tide of exiles from lesser forums. This wall will be built with jelly and ice-cream, and is to be 73 bowls high and 14 spoons wide. Now go do my bidding, whatever that may be.

Star Lord · 04-07-2016 12:36pm

Damnit, I only have 6 bowls and 4 spoons, how am I meant to build such a big wall?
I propose instead that we build a wall of live guard goats, the ones with the charging ports so that whoever is on sentry duty can play angry birds (we can't afford to upgrade them from their 2011 phone) rather than watching for encroaching NMEZ

04-07-2016 3:41pm

Star Lord wrote: »

NMEZ

:pac:

southcentralts · 05-07-2016 3:53am

My solution is simplez, If we upgrade to NXGN RAM the NMEZ will have a tougher time duplicating, as the NXGN RAM is a tougher environment with much harsher conditions, where crops are harder to grow, and although tastier the game is much rarer then previous iterations.

Warning: gullibility on the rise! Or will the FEAR of gulibility be our downfall, find out this and more after you subscribe.

southcentralts · 12-07-2016 9:30am

Breaking News.

Tipperary to hold a vote on leaving Europe, The vote which is scheduled for 2 weeks from today will be called TIPPEX-IT.

Sick and tired of not being able to blame anybody but Europe for their problems, Tipperary officials have decided to withdraw from Europe.

southcentralts · 14-08-2020 1:30am

So well I mean it has all been a bit quiet for the past few years. I mean I assume it has, I have not been outside and have no tv or any way of finding out what is going on, but from the scratching on the walls to count the days it seems to be 2020ish.

I'm sure all is well as usual. Here on the ward things are running copacetic, don and jill were fighting over a roll of toilet paper, Greg made a gigantic explosion in the rec room with toothpaste and his own sh1t, Paul and trevor started wearing masks one day, then tried to set anyone who would not wear a mask on fire by rubbing them with wooden table tennis paddles. Irene caught a cold and was coughing in the rec room which soon had everyone coughing. There was a complaint about all the floors walls ceilings and staff uniforms being white so we had a vote and changed the colour scheme to camo, camo everywhere, so that is fun but makes the headcount troublesome.

ATTN: Disclaimer - if you have not been offended by the content in this post, maybe you are not trying hard enough?

14-08-2020 10:18am

Disclaimer text is usually unreadable - yours is quite reader friendly- I’m impressed

southcentralts · 14-08-2020 1:15pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Disclaimer text is usually unreadable - yours is quite reader friendly- I’m impressed

You eyesight is less impressive as the letters in that text contain legally binding contractual obligations cleverly hidden. You will know when the terms are met/forfeit when they show up to drag you away kicking and screaming. Muhahahaha.

Attn: Disclaimer- legally I must disclose that you mush both kick and scream simultaneously or the contract is null and void.

Kylta · 14-08-2020 8:51pm

Can you help me mr muuuuuhaaaaaaa, lm asking CNT to help me find my cat who I don't think is a real kitty kat anyway. I recently bought a cat so I could rule the world like all the bad guys. The problem is I put it on my knee to do the muuuuuuuhhhaaaaahaaaa thing and I instead of rubbing the cat, my three fingers entered its arse. To my surprise it wasn't a cat I had bought but a little midget he jumped up and yell something terrible at me, I cried but I couldn't wipe my tears cause.I had ****ty fingers ( are they in your butter dish I wonder) anyway can you help me find my midget cat thing, because the ring with all the spikes on it that was on my finger is still up his arse and I want it back if possible, ill take the cat midget back if he promises to stop cursing at me. My cats description is 3feet tall, looks like a gremlin, meoows loudly, swears roughly. I CNT can help me find my little kitty kat. Oh he's name is zeebodious. Thank you mr muuuuuhaaaaahaaauuuu

southcentralts · 15-08-2020 10:25am

Kylta wrote: »

Can you help me mr muuuuuhaaaaaaa, lm asking CNT to help me find my cat who I don't think is a real kitty kat anyway. I recently bought a cat so I could rule the world like all the bad guys. The problem is I put it on my knee to do the muuuuuuuhhhaaaaahaaaa thing and I instead of rubbing the cat, my three fingers entered its arse. To my surprise it wasn't a cat I had bought but a little midget he jumped up and yell something terrible at me, I cried but I couldn't wipe my tears cause.I had ****ty fingers ( are they in your butter dish I wonder) anyway can you help me find my midget cat thing, because the ring with all the spikes on it that was on my finger is still up his arse and I want it back if possible, ill take the cat midget back if he promises to stop cursing at me. My cats description is 3feet tall, looks like a gremlin, meoows loudly, swears roughly. I CNT can help me find my little kitty kat. Oh he's name is zeebodious. Thank you mr muuuuuhaaaaahaaauuuu

I hate cats, they are always plotting something, evil incarnate they are, and you just made me 'feel' for one of them with real feelings, how dare you make me feel my own feelings, I was perfectly happy outsourcing all my feelings to a small village in Cambodia. The has opened the door on a world of pain, and even worse happiness, joy and serenity. Uuuh.

I am not going to give up on you though, we just need to remove the offending fingers and double, no triple your online presence, you sir need high doses of dem interwebs.

Kylta · 15-08-2020 2:18pm

The catmidgety thing returned am not impressed maybe you lot at CNT could interview him or it. It keeps going dada (in a deep growling voice) when donald trump comes on my telly. I think catmidgety is possessed now. Also the bastard of a thing is wearing red shoes, which I believe are made of imp blood. I didn't think there was any imps left ( they all were massacre by the leprechauns at the slaughter of the little big hill, everybody knows that). I keep asking catmidgety were he been and he won't tell me. On the upside I got my ring back, I had to use a pliers and now catmidgety has an ever big arse hole than he did before.

southcentralts · 15-08-2020 9:45pm

Kylta wrote: »

The catmidgety thing returned am not impressed maybe you lot at CNT could interview him or it. It keeps going dada (in a deep growling voice) when donald trump comes on my telly. I think catmidgety is possessed now. Also the bastard of a thing is wearing red shoes, which I believe are made of imp blood. I didn't think there was any imps left ( they all were massacre by the leprechauns at the slaughter of the little big hill, everybody knows that). I keep asking catmidgety were he been and he won't tell me. On the upside I got my ring back, I had to use a pliers and now catmidgety has an ever big arse hole than he did before.

Ooooooook I think I know how to fix all of this, *pours petrol everywhere while whistling stuck in the middle with you*

It has been emotional---ly draining trying to pump life back into the nest and before I set fire to the place so that something new can spring forth from the ashes, I need to ask you one question kylta

Who is taking the horse to France?

Kylta · 15-08-2020 11:20pm

The horse never got to france because its on the red list. The pony got to shetland, but it had to swim from connemara because we had no paddle boards. Since you're the only reporter for CNT, I think you should immolation, I feel it will do you the world of good.

southcentralts · 16-08-2020 12:17am

Kylta wrote: »

The horse never got to france because its on the red list. The pony got to shetland, but it had to swim from connemara because we had no paddle boards. Since you're the only reporter for CNT, I think you should immolation, I feel it will do you the world of good.

Since the days of the famine the "who's taking the horse to france" challenge has been used to identify spies trying to steal our Kerrygold and the correct response has been taught in primary schools to each and every irish child since, hell it is usually engraved on our Hurley's ffs

( "ah sure..I dont know" is the correct responce by the way and will cease any and all furtive actions by who ever has made the challenge.)

If you look outside whatever New York studio apartment you are living in with ridiculously expensive views and a fukin balcony, all on a marine biologists salary, I mean how is that even possible? you will see a gang of Kerry's finest assassins riding cows of the blackest black, with red fiery eyes and zero tolerance for garlic in bread rolls, they do not eat bread rolls they just cannot suffer somebody who does to live.

And they are coming for you.

Kylta · 16-08-2020 12:19pm

My god man how have you still got a job with CNT, everybody knows there's no cows in kerry since the 90s when mass emigration caused the cows to emigrate to cavan. Who is giving youthis ridiculous information, please say its not the little man at the crossroads with the pipe and the pot of gold.

southcentralts · 16-08-2020 4:00pm

Kylta wrote: »

My god man how have you still got a job with CNT, everybody knows there's no cows in kerry since the 90s when mass emigration caused the cows to emigrate to cavan. Who is giving youthis ridiculous information, please say its not the little man at the crossroads with the pipe and the pot of gold.

Oh but of course the cows emigrated to cavan, the is no better veterinarian service in the country for calving than cavan, but they kept the name and to this day they sing songs of the old county and work diligently to ensure the younger generation keep to the old ways, not that it works in a world of virtual reality pastures and augmented reality neural implants to alter their perception so that they only see Dathai o Shea hunting them, and milking them, oh how they are all a thither come milking time.

CNT - I see what you did there, do you think this will improve your chances of landing the 'special' correspond roll?, because it will, it most definitely will.

I other news SSDD.

Kylta · 16-08-2020 5:11pm

I have in all good conscience respectively wish to state that i've no intention of wishing now or in the future looking for a position at CNT. There is in fairness only three people in the world that could that job, your good self, donald trump, and the little fu¢ker at the crossroads sitting on the pot of gold while smoking his pipe, an outside runner though might be, the dail kipper eamo ryan.
I like the rest of your readers can't wait for your next exclusive, which I heard is about how they get fig into figroles? And is it really fig or are they using dates dressed up as figs?

southcentralts · 16-08-2020 6:41pm

Kylta wrote: »

I have in all good conscience respectively wish to state that i've no intention of wishing now or in the future looking for a position at CNT. There is in fairness only three people in the world that could that job, your good self, donald trump, and the little fu¢ker at the crossroads sitting on the pot of gold while smoking his pipe, an outside runner though might be, the dail kipper eamo ryan.
I like the rest of your readers can't wait for your next exclusive, which I heard is about how they get fig into figroles? And is it really fig or are they using dates dressed up as figs?

Donald Trump??? That guy from the apprentice? Welcome back to the 2010's Haha, what is he up to these dayz. He might be good here for a laugh, you're fired, and you and you
Haha.

Kylta · 16-08-2020 9:53pm

Did you sort out the fig issue?

southcentralts · 17-08-2020 1:29am

Kylta wrote: »

Did you sort out the fig issue?

Okey dokey if I cannot trick you into taking politics in the nest, then I will have to resolve to answer your questions.

They do not put the figs into the fig rolls, the figs are genetically engineered to grow within the rolls as they bake screaming constantly, in fact when the screaming stops they know the fig rolls are finished.

Kylta · 17-08-2020 8:25am

southcentralts wrote: »

Okey dokey if I cannot trick you into taking politics in the nest, then I will have to resolve to answer your questions.

They do not put the figs into the fig rolls, the figs are genetically engineered to grow within the rolls as they bake screaming constantly, in fact when the screaming stops they know the fig rolls are finished.

Whoa, that's great reporting, can you do the fig role thing with humans too

southcentralts · 17-08-2020 4:14pm

Kylta wrote: »

Whoa, that's great reporting, can you do the fig role thing with humans too

Of course we could, but we may run into some trouble with the people over at Tayto,(trade secrets and copyright and all that jazz.)

Kylta · 17-08-2020 6:29pm

southcentralts wrote: »

Of course we could, but we may run into some trouble with the people over at Tayto,(trade secrets and copyright and all that jazz.)

Jazz,.there's absolutely no hope for you now, all your personalities are destroyed wants jazz gets into your psyche, I suppose the alternative is daniel O'Donnell. Lost case you are. I can see CNT sacking the lot of ye

southcentralts · 18-08-2020 10:12am

Kylta wrote: »

Jazz,.there's absolutely no hope for you now, all your personalities are destroyed wants jazz gets into your psyche, I suppose the alternative is daniel O'Donnell. Lost case you are. I can see CNT sacking the lot of ye

CNT you did it again,? time to leave you on your own again, see If you have matured any in another 2 years.

Kylta · 18-08-2020 10:51am

Was in contact with your editor, the Head CNT, and i've asked him to give you something easy. So your task is to find out what happened to snow whites dwarves after the happy ever after. You can leave out Doc, I mean the whole world knows he ended up a serial killer. So great CNT reporter go about your trade and let all the cuckoo nest times readers know your brillance. (After all the bollix writtin above about you, you can't afford to fail. After all if CNT sacks you well your fu¢ked, the farmers journal wouldn't even let you do a piece on hay). Best of luck CNT reporter

southcentralts · 25-08-2020 10:45pm

It is with great sadness and humility that we must announce that the TCN frisbee tournament may have broken strick social togetherness guidelines when some of our more prominent members stopped holding hands to catch a frisbee.

As a punishment we have taken their shoes, and are flooding the asylum with run DMC so they have no choice but to dance nonstop on bloody broken feet.

https://youtu.be/4B_UYYPb-Gk

ILoveYourVibes · 02-09-2020 12:26pm

What is the weather report?

someone look out the window!

Kylta · 05-09-2020 10:27pm

The window is fogged up, so its sunny out I think but that could be either in africa or east outer mongolia, as I don't know what the weather is like in west outer mongolia, because somebody stole my yak and is joy riding it around the western cape of good hope. I hasten to add my yak has only one testicle and needs to be refilled up daily between his swims. My weather forecast is its raining, snowing, breezy, and sunny somewhere but not here, its just plain weather until my one testicled yak is returned.

TCN DAILY NEWS

Comments