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could you handle a polyamory relationship

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    #62
    andekwarhola
    Registered Users Posts: 4,638 ✭✭✭andekwarhola


    Nothing against it, why would I?

    I would wonder though, exactly how many of these relationships (or open relationships) have a completely equal dynamic, as in, both people being 100% happy about it and not it being one more dominant person that is the engineer.


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    #63
    Dalomanakora
    Closed Accounts Posts: 608 ✭✭✭Dalomanakora


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Why do you need to know your partner better than anyone else? Do you get jealous if their sibling knows them just as well as you?

    You say things like intimacy abd fidelity, but really I think those words are a cover up for the real reason, you want to protect your ego.


    It's nothing to do with ego. It's about differentiation.

    Sex and physical intimacy beyond a hug is something I reserve for partners. It is the only thing that differentiates my relationship with them from that with my siblings. I can be as open and honest with siblings as I can be with a partner, so physical intimacy, sex and attraction are the only differentiating characteristics.


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    #64
    murpho999
    Registered Users Posts: 28,391 ✭✭✭✭murpho999


    JustAYoungLad wrote: »
    Being married/committed but free to bang who you please.

    Swingers/cuckoldry are alt terms for it

    No it's different as the idea is that all parties are involved in a relationship.

    What you are referring to is an open relatoinship.
    eviltwin wrote: »
    My marriage is based on many things one being that we don't sleep with other people. I've no issue if it works for other couples but it's not for us. Sleeping with someone else would involve deception and neither of us want to be.with someone who can be duplicitous. Our family, our kids security, our unit is more important than a fumble with a randomer.


    Again you're talking about adultery which is not what polyamory is about.


    I don't think Polyamory really works as the documentary shows that there seems to be one person agreeing to do it just to keep their partner happy but it's definitely not just about sleeping around.


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    #65
    Fourier
    Registered Users Posts: 10,558 ✭✭✭✭Fourier


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    And there are answers and rebuttalls to those arguments.
    Counterpoints and rebuttals to the position that not wanting my hole filmed without my knowledge and uploaded to the net reflects deep seeted issues with self-confidence and an idealisation of privacy?

    Do you really need counterpoints and rebuttals to such things?
    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Have a go at debating my point rather than just declaring it invalid.
    Your position is basically "No you can't like just tomato sauce, you have to like tomato sauce and brown sauce, I can logically demonstrate so".

    There are some things I tired of debating long ago.


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    #66
    PlaneSpeeking
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,106 ✭✭✭PlaneSpeeking


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    And there are answers and rebuttalls to those arguments.

    Have a go at debating my point rather than just declaring it invalid.

    No one's declaring your "point" invalid, you're the one being so nasty to people who just want to be with one person. When did that become something to rile others up ????

    Live and let live, you do your thing - let others do theirs.


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    #67
    Cleopatra_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 812 ✭✭✭Cleopatra_


    I've tried an open relationship for a while and I tried polyamory......lasted about two months with the polyamory. I'm a bi-sexual woman married to a woman and my missus was really only going along with it for my benefit and I knew it and just felt too guilty to keep that up.

    In the polyamory situation I had a boyfriend and my wife, they met but there wasn't anything sexual going on between them (my wife's choice). It was tough going to be honest, there was the guilt and trying to divide my time between two people and trying to make sure my wife felt like my primary partner and yet trying to make sure my new boyfriend felt happy too, and jealousy to be dealt with as well. Jaysus, it was exhausting. In the end I had feelings for him and they weren't reciprocated so I ended it and decided that I wasn't cut out for that malarkey. Asked my missus to be monogamous again.

    I'm a mad hypocrite though because my missus chose not to sleep with anyone else and I know I would have been so jealous if she had, but I would have kept it to myself because really what argument could I have.

    Sometimes I still long for some sort of 60s love in scenario where I live in a big house and we all love each other and have all of the sex, and maybe I'm just not suited to monogamy but other times I think maybe there is just something wrong with me and how I interact in relationships.


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    #68
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 21,679 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Polyamory is definitely not for me. Relationships can be a challenge in that I can give away bits of myself easily to the other person, compromise myself. I'm aware of why and am working on changing it. Then I get caught with a case of "greenergrassitis" so it can be tricky. There is no way I could manage a second relationship or indeed him in another one.

    It is something that works for lots of other people though. These threads are interesting because you can really see the closed minds of some. Those who assume "well I don't/do like it so everyone else must feel the same".
    Imagine what the world would be like if every other human had the same belief system as you?


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    #69
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I would hate to feel I wasn't enough all by myself, for any reason. It's not for me, I like to focus my energy on one person and any ancillary concerns dilutes that focus. I like being the recipient of that focus too, call me egotistical.

    I imagine that a solid sense of equality between three or more partners is considerably more unlikely than with a couple, so there's likely to be someone who isn't getting as much out of the arrangement as the others involved. My fear would be with some of these relationships that that very dynamic is what attracts one or more of the other parties to the arrangement.


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    #70
    LirW
    Registered Users Posts: 4,825 ✭✭✭LirW


    I have a few lady friends and they live in all sorts of different arrangements and we talk about it quite a bit, it is really interesting. I know it definitely wouldn't be for me, I'm a person that's quite attached emotionally to their partner and it really does influence sexual desire. I'm not really interested in sleeping with someone I don't have a close connection with, that's just the way I am.

    But others are different, there's for example that really ambitious girl in her late 20s that entered a relationship with a man who's only been in poly arrangements before. She didn't like the thought of it because she's a jealous person but ten met another man that she was fond of and they decided to go poly again, she now has 2 boyfriends and feels amazing while he currently only has her but it wouldn't be a problem to get involved with someone else.
    I find her stories really interesting but to me it seems like an incredibly stressful lifestyle. She has her career plus two partners that she needs to manage timewise plus all the commitments that come with a relationship doubled up.

    There are loads of Friends with benefits too, one in an open relationship and some that have no interest in a relationship.

    I find it amazing to talk about these experiences in a private environment and judging by how confident they all feel there's no one size fits all.

    We need to talk more about sexuality, emotions and relationship dynamics.


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    #71
    Lillybloom
    Site Banned Posts: 75 ✭✭Lillybloom


    Fourier wrote: »
    Counterpoints and rebuttals to the position that not wanting my hole filmed without my knowledge and uploaded to the net reflects deep seeted issues with self-confidence and an idealisation of privacy?

    Do you really need counterpoints and rebuttals to such things?


    Your position is basically "No you can't like just tomato sauce, you have to like tomato sauce and brown sauce, I can logically demonstrate so".

    There are some things I tired of debating long ago.

    Nope I'm explaining my people are afraid of open relationships, you haven't countered that point. I never said what people should and shouldn't like. I believe you are projecting.


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    #72
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    LirW wrote: »
    We need to talk more about sexuality, emotions and relationship dynamics.

    Definitely. Us as a society are led to believe that monogamy and being with that one person for the rest of your life is a must.

    Monogamy is not for a lot of people which consequently results in cheating. Although for many it's having their cake and eating it.


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    #73
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Nope I'm explaining my people are afraid of open relationships, you haven't countered that point. I never said what people should and shouldn't like. I believe you are projecting.


    You misunderstand. People aren't afraid of open relationships (those who don't want one), they just don't want to be in one.


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    #74
    Fourier
    Registered Users Posts: 10,558 ✭✭✭✭Fourier


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Nope I'm explaining my people are afraid of open relationships, you haven't countered that point. I never said what people should and shouldn't like. I believe you are projecting.
    Ah, now I'm projecting, I see, psychology bingo has started.

    Well Karl Jung, if there really was a widespread fear of open relationships it would have been noticed by psychologists and sociologists long ago. You can't armchair diagnose these things.

    Maybe people don't have polyamorous relationships because they like focusing on one person etc.

    I wonder what this post reveals about me. Take your pick:
    1. Intimacy issues
    2. Mother issues
    3. Sexual deviant aroused by bullet point lists


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    #75
    Lillybloom
    Site Banned Posts: 75 ✭✭Lillybloom


    Candie wrote: »
    You misunderstand. People aren't afraid of open relationships (those who don't want one), they just don't want to be in one.

    People desire sex with other people, often its a repressed desire.


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    #76
    LirW
    Registered Users Posts: 4,825 ✭✭✭LirW


    Bigbagofcans wrote: »
    Definitely. Us as a society are led to believe that monogamy and being with that one person for the rest of your life is a must.

    Monogamy is not for a lot of people which consequently results in cheating. Although for many it's having their cake and eating it.

    This and the genuine lack of understanding other views because you never felt and you'll probably never feel this way.

    Emotions and relationships are complex, people spend a good chunk of their life trying to figure out what works for them.

    For example I'd be very uncomfortable engaging in a ONS or casual fling, because it doesn't do anything for me. My sexuality goes hand in hand with the bond I'm sharing with my partner. There are people that find that weird or maybe prude but this is what works for me, I can't change it. I'm glad I figured it out. So who am I to judge people that feel totally different?


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    #77
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Jerry is a spineless eejit. As you say B, he has serious oneitis for the Heidi wan. To the point where his brains and spine have departed him and he's letting her have the second guy, so he can keep a piece of her.
    I saw polyamory described on reddit once as a relationship with one really happy person and two deeply unhappy people who are afraid to be on their own.
    Granted, that's not necessarily always the case, but seems to be in that documentary (which I didn't see). I recall another documentary where one of the two male partners described himself as mostly asexual, so he felt no real jealousy about the other two bumping uglies so long as he still got to sit on the couch and watch TV cuddling her.

    I would have always described polyamory as a relationship where everyone is emotionally intimate, not one where you're "allowed" have other partners, but I guess it's a pretty flexible term.
    newnamexx wrote: »
    Poly what?
    Anyway my wife, my beloved wife lost interest after our second child was born.
    I played along for a bit but ten years is a bit much So all bets off.
    She won't address the issue at all.
    The betrayal is hers.
    I haven't yet but I will without any guilt if the opportunity ever arises.
    Sadly no one is interested. But I live in hope.
    If this is a genuine post, then you have nothing to lose by being honest and upfront about this with your wife. She can only "not address" the issue if you dance around it. Be frank and brutally honest.

    Worst thing that can happen is that you both agree to end your marriage. But since you're really unhappy, is that a bad thing?
    If you decide to play away, then you will eventually get caught and your marriage will end in a way that makes you look like an asshole.

    Or you can grab the nettle now and live a happier, less stressful life. If she realises how serious you are and how unhappy you are, then it's more likely that she'll have a look at going for counselling, or medical treatment, or whatever it is she needs.


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    #78
    Lillybloom
    Site Banned Posts: 75 ✭✭Lillybloom


    Fourier wrote: »
    Ah, now I'm projecting, I see, psychology bingo has started.

    Well Karl Jung, if there really was a widespread fear of open relationships it would have been noticed by psychologists and sociologists long ago. You can't armchair diagnose these things.

    Maybe people don't have polyamorous relationships because they like focusing on one person etc.

    I wonder what this post reveals about me. Take your pick:
    1. Intimacy issues
    2. Mother issues
    3. Sexual deviant aroused by bullet point lists

    Juat having a discussion on the issue, why are you getting so worked up?

    Most people are lemmings, and will just drift towards what the crowd does afraid to do what they truly desire. Monogomy was needed to build civilisation hence it is the status quo.


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    #79
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Zorya wrote: »
    Yeesh, after several decades we still cannot agree on who is due to bewashing the dishes - all that 'constant' monitoring, communicating and noticing must be damn exhausting.

    I am not sure constant communication and monitoring of the relationship as a whole is quite the same thing as unhealthy obsessing over minutia :) I can imagine anyone going that road would indeed get quite exhausted, quite fast.


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    #80
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    What are people’s views on polyandry? A woman with many husbands?


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    #81
    Boom_Bap
    Moderators, Music Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,730 Mod ✭✭✭✭Boom_Bap


    I'd like the idea, but I always think that it's hard enough dealing with 1 :)


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    #82
    Fourier
    Registered Users Posts: 10,558 ✭✭✭✭Fourier


    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Juat having a discussion on the issue, why are you getting so worked up?
    See my three point list, somebody who can diagnose the entire human race should have an easy time with one individual.
    Lillybloom wrote: »
    Most people are lemmings, and will just drift towards what the crowd does afraid to do what they truly desire. Monogomy was needed to build civilisation hence it is the status quo.
    Now we enter into personal theories of human history, is this supported anywhere?

    I too await a time when people realise that deep down they are identical to me, but simply lack my maverick independent nature to see it.


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    #83
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    If poly relationships mean people are open and honest with each other then bring it on. There are countless people who would diss a poly relationship and say they don't want to share their partner with anyone but they are often doing just that but don't know about it.

    Perhaps the question should be "would you prefer to share your partner and not know about it or openly share each other with clearly defined borders and communication?"

    In my clubbing days my friends and I used to go to a well-known city spot where we often dodged men with a married look about them. One night I was approached by a handsome bohemian type who introduced himself by saying "I'm Jack (not his real name) and I'm polyamorous. What's your name?" I cynically thought that Jack was putting an artistic spin on marital cheating in an attempt to stand out from the married suits. Later I saw him getting close to two women who were snogging each other while they had their arms around him. One of them tried to snog me too. Waaaayyy to complicated for me and I figured that if Jack was truly polyamorous he wouldn't be hanging around clubs looking for fresh meat.

    However in an ideal world poly relationships could be a way to ensure nobody is single if they don't want to be and that there aren't too many men/women fighting over too few women/men or whatever you fancy. Some religions justify polygamy using that reason.


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    #84
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Deleted User wrote: »
    We have been in such a relationship for over 11 years now - and it has not harmed us yet :) In fact we are currently gestating our third child and really happy about it.


    That sounds like a line from third rock from the sun!:D


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    #85
    Lillybloom
    Site Banned Posts: 75 ✭✭Lillybloom


    Fourier wrote: »
    See my three point list, somebody who can diagnose the entire human race should have an easy time with one individual.


    Now we enter into personal theories of human history, is this supported anywhere?

    I too await a time when people realise that deep down they are identical to me, but simply lack my maverick independent nature to see it.

    I genuinely just want to have a discussion on the topic, but you're making it difficut with your antagonistic tone. I welcome people disagreeing with me, i enjoy the debate, I'm happy to do so without the anatagonism.


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    #86
    LirW
    Registered Users Posts: 4,825 ✭✭✭LirW


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    What are people’s views on polyandry? A woman with many husbands?

    My dad was going out with a lady who was close friends with a couple where she had a husband and a boyfriend and the couple's daughter had "2 daddies".
    I met them at a party once and I found them to be seriously messed up people. He was miserable, she was a total cow and they brought their daughter who was 7 and they sent her to bed at 6 there at the party because she can't get out of her strict routine.

    But that was the only live example I met. I'm sure for some it works just fine and I have no problem with it.


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    #87
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Deleted User wrote: »
    What are people’s views on polyandry? A woman with many husbands?

    A very busy woman.


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    #88
    Qrt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,627 ✭✭✭Qrt


    An open relationship? I love the idea of it, especially seeing how being so open and non-possessive of eachother sounds like a great way to maintain a healthy relationship

    polyamory? as in an open relationship that's more than riding? probably count me out


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    #89
    Feisar
    Registered Users Posts: 6,597 ✭✭✭Feisar


    Not for me, it's hard enough getting herself to pick a kitchen, I can't imagine two of them at it.

    First they came for the socialists...



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    #90
    beans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,885 ✭✭✭beans


    CuckTales (a wooooo)


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    #91
    beertons
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,056 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    Imagine lunch time, twice the amount of sambo's.


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