Unable to socialise

LegacyUser · 21-09-2020 4:45pm #1

Hi,

Not sure where to start here, so this may be long winded and a bit jumbled...

I'm in my 40's and have no social life as such. I do go to gym - although I would have to say that it is for image reasons (if that is a bad thing?) plus I do enjoy it and it helps me de-stress/sleep. I'd also go to movies (alone). However, that is the extent of my social interactions. I have a couple of friends, but they are all married with children and live in different places. We meet up sometimes but I am reluctant to contact them as they have families now.

I have been in and out of counselling for most of my adult life as I struggle to interact socially. At work I am quite successful in my job and get on with the majority of people. I can chat freely with them in office. However, when we go out for drinks/meal I tend to clam up.

The problem is that I am unable to to do anything about this – or I am refusing to do anything about this. I’m currently attending a Psychoanalyst and although she is trying to help me I am unable to take on her advice and am kicking back against her. I’ve probably done this with all my counsellors – although I didn’t really notice it until she pointed it out to me.

She relates my issues to my father with whom I had a fractious relationship when growing up and it would appear that I have picked up on a number of his traits. When she pointed this out to me it made me angry with her. Every time she pointed out similarities between us I was annoyed – because she was correct. Although I have learnt a lot about myself – I am unable to put anything into action. It took a long time for me to open up in the sessions and to a certain extent I maybe am not fully yet. I complain to her about a lack of progress and blame her, but really the fault is mine – she says I am waiting to be found. This is true, but I am just paralysed an unable to break the chains.

I’ve not really have had any sort of relationship and I’m panicking that I’ve left it too late and that maybe I’m too stuck in my ways as well as not being the person I thought I was – considering how I interact with the analyst. A family and someone to leave my belongings to when I die is playing on my mind continually at the minute. Also, I feel guilty for my mother not having any grandchildren – she is old now and it breaks my heart as I know she would love to have some to take for walks etc.

The analyst suggested recently that we should stop the sessions as she feels unable to help me. The day she told me that I felt really low – probably as low as I’ve been in a number of years. She says I’m a machonist as I always try to ruin any good thing in my life and push away people trying to help. This is true. I am unable/unwilling to do anything to improve my life. Some things I don’t even realise until she points them out.

I was going to try online dating, however I hate looking at photos of myself so I can’t bring myself to create a proper profile. I have no hobbies nor interests. Plus reading the above, I’m not much of a catch – although sometimes I feel that I’ve got as much to give as others. Then other times I think I’m worthless.

I have image problems – I take Propecia for hair loss and go to gym to make myself try to look better. When I was at secondary school a classmate made a remark about how I look and it has stayed with me since. It still bugs me to this day. I’m also on Citalapram for depression.

However, its my inability to do anything to improve my situation that frustrates me and brought me to loggerheads with the analyst. I expected to be further on for the time we’ve had. Essentially, I’ve not made much tangible progress – although I have an understanding of the causes. I just can’t/won’t push myself out there to improve my life and start living. I thought that it would fall out of the sessions but I am not able to make any changes in my life and so I remain where I was. Frustrating.

Myself and the analyst had a ropey start, but it did eventually improve – although I struggle to tell her my thoughts. I can be silent for an entire session or walk out if I am angry or frustrated. I don’t want it to end as I’ll be on my own – maybe with no-one to blame but myself. However, I do know that she is a good analyst and that starting afresh with yet another analyst is not the solution. The solution lies within me. I just don’t know how to go about it.

I just can’t fathom why I can’t do what normal people do. I am useless at small talk. Going out stresses me. Dating scares me – I’m not good at chatting to opposite sex. I am torn between wanting to lie down and give up or to get up and go grab my life. But the former always wins. What is wrong with me – why can I not do anything to help me have a life and not an existence? I just don’t understand why I’m so passive about improving my life – especially as I know the effect it is having on me.

Can anyone see help see what is going wrong in my life/existence? I’m going round and round in circles.

Faith · 21-09-2020 6:23pm

Hiya OP,

I don’t have much to say, except I recognize your threads. I notice that you’ve started a nearly identical thread on multiple occasions. If I had to guess, I’d say 5-6 threads over the past few years? Each time, the content is the same, although I’d glad to note that the focus has now shifted from blaming your analyst to recognizing that the problem and solution is within yourself. It’s an interesting parallel of your experience with your analyst - doing the same thing over and over again with nothing changing.

If I’m honest, I don’t think you’re staying with your analyst because you think something will suddenly change. If I’m right, you’ve been seeing her for a good 3 years or so now? I think you’re staying with her because it fits with your “stuckness” in other areas. You say you just want to change, but psychotherapy is not a path to swift behavior change. There are many other types of therapy that focus on change rather than internal exploration. Continuing to attend your analyst is just continuing to go round and round in circles, and she’s even said as much. Yet you’re determined to keep going. You’re like someone pushing a wall, convinced that if you just keep pushing, it’ll move, when, if you took a few steps back, you’d see there’s another way over or around the wall.

I think the question I’m most curious about is, why are you so attached to always following the same patterns? What is it you fear about change? Whether that’s a change of analyst, change of therapeutic modality, change of behavior? What are the risks that make you say “staying the same is better than changing”?

The White Feather · 21-09-2020 7:14pm

Hi OP,

I think you are doing great. You are seeing a counsellor and working on issues that you feel are problematic. Now you just need to do practical things in addition to that.

As for friends first, the ones you have already, give them a ring tomorrow. Make it a regular thing where you are saying hello. Just because they are married doesn't mean they don't want to talk! If you or them are working, send the a few Whatsapp or text messages about the latest match or whatever ye usually talk about. Open up regular lines of communication where ye text or chat on the phone. in other words, make an effort on your end. Most people appreciate a call or text or offer to meet up. If they dont respond or cant meet up, dont take it personally. They might just be busy with something. Try again next week with them. The pubs are opening so maybe offer to have a quick drink or whatever.

Maybe do the same thing with a work colleague. Work events can be tricky with everyone there so it can be hard to talk. With just you and one other it can be easier.

At the gym, maybe get a personal trainer. Then you are chatting to someone every week and maybe even make a friend. Even just say hello to a few regulars if you see them there. It sounds like you are one already. Most people dont want to be disturbed during a workout but even a few hellos can leads to chatting if you see them outside the gym or as ye go in.

You seem to like working out so what about a weight lifting club or running club? Maybe a sport that you wanted to try? The main thing is to expand your horizons a bit in each direction. Try not to think of a magic bullet to cure everything. You are just doing a few tweaks here and there to make yourself feel better.

I do volunteer work for the Samaritans. Why not ring them if there is a night that no friends are calling. Just having a chat can really help your mood and you will find that you do have a lot to offer. Maybe volunteer somewhere yourself. Gets you meeting new people and learning new skills.

Sitting at home wont solve much but you are getting counselling and now you need to make an effort in other areas. You seem like you have made progress in the counselling getting to major issues and now you need to add in activities. So ring a few friends, join a club or 2 , meet up with friends co workers and make an effort to chat a small bit at least!!

sparkledrum · 21-09-2020 7:29pm

Would you think of doing group therapy? It would give you the chance to interact in a controlled environment.

Purple Mountain · 21-09-2020 8:43pm

Hi OP.
I remember giving you (or someone who was seeing an analyst) my 2 cents that you should look to explore counselling or therapy rather than just pure analysis of the root of your issues.
You need to put the theory into practice.
On a practical level to get you out of your comfort zone, would you look into volunteering for a few hours on the weekend?
I did a stint at that when I was at home as a new mother. I ended up meeting a life long friend there and I chose an area that I knew would help me on my CV later on.
You seem to have your career nailed so for you, just find a cause or charity that appeals to your altruistic side and something that might be fun.
Giving back to people or society for a selfless reasons really does make you feel good.

Rubberchikken · 21-09-2020 8:59pm

I agree with the volunteering. It's a great way to meet like minded people.

If you really want things to change you know you have to actually put in the effort.

Best of luck

Airyfairy12 · 21-09-2020 9:18pm

You need a new counsellor, it can take years of trial and error before finding one that you connect with but finding the right one is invaluable.
That said I also think youre expecting too much from counselling.
Therapy is great for venting and sorting through emotions related to problems and issues that come up in life like a breakup up or divorce, a death, a job loss, mild anxiety and depression, it wont fix your problems but in my experience, it's aim is to change how you feel about problems that arise. In my opinion youre expecting far too much from therapy.
If you want to really get into personal psychology and understanding yourself, why not start reading up on psychology yourself? Maybe do a short course or diploma in psychology and human development, a quick google search will direct you to courses, many of which are accredited and can be completed online part time.

I also feel that you need to stop over thinking everything and just do what you want to do, do you ever do anything spontaneously? Dont even give yourself the time to think, just do it.
What do you do on your days off? Would you consider getting into hiking? Its a great way to meet people, allows you to venture off to different parts of the country if you wanted to and gives you something to talk about to bridge the gap when making small talk.

Noone can make any changes for you only yourself.

ILoveYourVibes · 22-09-2020 12:47am

I think you need a better counselor.

OP you need some emotional education.

You don't seem to be able to put your feelings doubts and worries into some kind of order. You let them control you.

Its not flattering to say to someone that they are not emotionally intelligent. But its only so you can work on this that i am telling you.

You are not worthless. You might make a great partner.

Interactions with people don't require shakespeare like skills with language.

It sounds to me like you have issues ordering your thoughts and emotions into something you can express.

I think you need to work on that. It will also teach you have to pre empt how you will react to things ..and how to change bad reactions etc.

Maybe keep a short journal.

You can't control things like ..who will be my friend etc ...you can control things like ...today someone said something ..i reacted this way ...why did they say that ...why do i have to react the way i do?

Being in a relationship ...its not going to make you any happier.

Having kids isnt going to make you any happier.

If you are 'found ' etc ...that's great ..i don't want to stop you making a dating profile if that is what you want.

But you still have the same issues.

I mean people think all their issues will go if they have a baby or ...a better job ..or lots of money ..or the perfect partner....that isn't true.

If these issues are REALLY the issue ..they won't go away.

They won't necesarily stop you having a great relationship. But you will still have to deal with them.

I know lots of people in relationships ..who still are depressed ...still miserable..it doesnt make them worse partners....but the relationship ..it hasn't made them happy in the way they thought.

Please DONT think you cant have a relationship ..YOU COULD MAKE A GREAT PARTNER but you still would feel the same. So don't neglect these issues.

LegacyUser · 22-09-2020 12:22pm

Id have a lot of similar issues OP, albeit I am married and have a family. I dont really have any friends or social contacts that I am in touch with regularly. I did have a nice group of friends at one stage but Ive lost touch with them all and we all live all over the world in any case. I pretty much go to work, home and gym and thats it, unless Iâ€™m bringing the kids somewhere.

I am an introvert and had a pretty tough and miserable upbringing at home and was bullied in school also, Im sure a lot of my insecurities stem from there but have never had counselling. I can be very assured and confident in some situations like work, where I have been quite successful, e.g. I can present to and make small talk and speak to quite important and powerful people with ease but then I struggle in social situations like yourself. My anxiety and introverted nature comes across as snobbery to some people, I have been told that more than once so perhaps that puts people off.

I also go to the gym regularly, mainly for image reasons also. Id be quite good looking (I think).

To be honest I have kind of accepted who I am and the lack of a social life isnt a huge issue for me personally. If I didnt have a wife and family I would probably feel very different though. I do wish I had more friends and social contacts but it is what it is. I have tried doing courses, joining clubs etc but I dont really get past the small talk point with people. Making friends just doesnt come easy for whatever reason.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I can completely understand where you are and how easily it can happen.

zoobizoo · 22-09-2020 2:44pm

hermit123 wrote: »

I don’t want it to end as I’ll be on my own – maybe with no-one to blame but myself. However, I do know that she is a good analyst and that starting afresh with yet another analyst is not the solution. The solution lies within me. I just don’t know how to go about it.

I just can’t fathom why I can’t do what normal people do.

She may be a good analyst but you don't need analysis as it gets you nowhere. Why dig up the past as to why you are the way you are if it doesn't get you out of the hole you're in.

You blame yourself a lot. Stop doing that for a start - it gets you nowhere.

What are normal people? Everyone except you?

You are reluctant to contact friends because they have kids? Why? I have kids and have just received a Whatsapp from one of my single friends in his late 40s and I am delighted to hear from him.

BTW - I married at 44 and have 2 kids now at 48! (we were going out a year)

Anyway - Small Talk.
"Did you see that new show on Netflix?" "How are you?" "Any plans for the weekend?" "How're the kids?" "Did you see the game at the weekend?" "Any craic?"

Now - I used to find small talk hard - it wasn't until I stopped giving a monkeys as to what other people thought about what I said that I found the freedom to just talk I guess.

Don't get me wrong - in certain circumstances - like dealing with a boss who doesn't like me / or someone I don't get on with, small talk is not easy.

If you can shoot the sh1t with people in the office, it proves you can shoot the sh1t. So that's a good thing. Work with that.

Have you got things to talk about on a date? Are you worried about being judged? Are you afraid to express your opinions? Have you a good sense of humour?

The conversation isn't all on you btw.. the other person will be a bit nervous as well... and you are allowed to say that at the start. "God, I haven't been on a date in a while... I'm a bit nervous"... ...

LegacyUser · 23-09-2020 9:38pm

Hell all, thanks for replying and apologies for delay in responding to the comments.

Faith wrote: »

I think the question I’m most curious about is, why are you so attached to always following the same patterns? What is it you fear about change? Whether that’s a change of analyst, change of therapeutic modality, change of behavior? What are the risks that make you say “staying the same is better than changing”?

I'm not sure. I would say it is primarily fear of doing something outside the norm, annoyance at being told to tread a path that it not conventional, lack of confidence/self-belief and a dislike for having my daily routine (work/gym) upset.
I did volunteer for the Special Olympics at a stage, but I'm not sure what I would like to volunteer or do on a longer basis. My work means that sometimes I work erratic hours (usually longer) - although I do note that others in the office go home early etc - I tend to stay on as I have nothing to go to or do.
Due to a medical condition I was always noted as being different and I probably still dislike not being normal. I think it eats at me that I can't make friends the 'normal way', get a gf the 'normal way' or socialise the 'normal way'.

The White Feather wrote: »

As for friends first, the ones you have already, give them a ring tomorrow. Make it a regular thing where you are saying hello. Just because they are married doesn't mean they don't want to talk! If you or them are working, send the a few Whatsapp or text messages about the latest match or whatever ye usually talk about. Open up regular lines of communication where ye text or chat on the phone. in other words, make an effort on your end. Most people appreciate a call or text or offer to meet up. If they dont respond or cant meet up, dont take it personally. They might just be busy with something. Try again next week with them. The pubs are opening so maybe offer to have a quick drink or whatever.

We regularly contact each other but in reality it is just forwarding silly messages etc and no real 'conversations' as such.

Maybe do the same thing with a work colleague. Work events can be tricky with everyone there so it can be hard to talk. With just you and one other it can be easier.

Work is a primarily older crowd and family oriented with the addition of them being commuters. Xmas do is the only time they be in town.

At the gym, maybe get a personal trainer. Then you are chatting to someone every week and maybe even make a friend. Even just say hello to a few regulars if you see them there. It sounds like you are one already. Most people dont want to be disturbed during a workout but even a few hellos can leads to chatting if you see them outside the gym or as ye go in.

I've been at the gym for a number of years now and there are a few that I would speak with regularly. I never see them outside the gym - and I've just realised as I type this that they are mostly older people - not within my own age group.

You seem to like working out so what about a weight lifting club or running club? Maybe a sport that you wanted to try? The main thing is to expand your horizons a bit in each direction. Try not to think of a magic bullet to cure everything. You are just doing a few tweaks here and there to make yourself feel better.

I would like to do some self defense classes or boxing, but not 1-on-1 stuff. I just never get around to doing it.

Sitting at home wont solve much but you are getting counselling and now you need to make an effort in other areas. You seem like you have made progress in the counselling getting to major issues and now you need to add in activities. So ring a few friends, join a club or 2 , meet up with friends co workers and make an effort to chat a small bit at least!!

You make it sound easy

sparkledrum wrote: »

Would you think of doing group therapy? It would give you the chance to interact in a controlled environment.

No - reason being this is very personal to me and I'd rather only necessary people know about it.

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Hi OP.
I remember giving you (or someone who was seeing an analyst) my 2 cents that you should look to explore counselling or therapy rather than just pure analysis of the root of your issues.
You need to put the theory into practice.
On a practical level to get you out of your comfort zone, would you look into volunteering for a few hours on the weekend?
I did a stint at that when I was at home as a new mother. I ended up meeting a life long friend there and I chose an area that I knew would help me on my CV later on.
You seem to have your career nailed so for you, just find a cause or charity that appeals to your altruistic side and something that might be fun.
Giving back to people or society for a selfless reasons really does make you feel good.

I would if I could find something that I could do on an ad hoc basis. Not sure what charity to help or how. Being brutally honest, I'm not sure how likely this is for me to progress, don't know why, but I'm being honest.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You need a new counsellor, it can take years of trial and error before finding one that you connect with but finding the right one is invaluable.
That said I also think youre expecting too much from counselling.

I think your last sentence might be correct. I've had loads of counsellors from different approaches and they all ended with no success. My current analyst says that I treat her badly and that she refuses to stop the sessions as that is what I want and she won't do it - she said it has to come from me. The previous ones all decided to stop - or allocated sessions come to an end.

do you ever do anything spontaneously? Dont even give yourself the time to think, just do it.
What do you do on your days off? Would you consider getting into hiking?

Never do anything spontaneously. I don't really have days off - I'm self employed and I work continuously - maybe an odd day off, but as I've no friends to go do things with it seems a waste of time to sit at home alone and I'd be better in at work earning money.
I have considered hiking, but I'm scared of getting lost or hurting myself - daft but thats the answer to your question. Plus, it's just more solitary time - not really solving anything.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I think you need a better counselor.

To be fair to my analyst, she is well qualified, highly respected and has prepared reports for use in high court cases. It is why I chose he in the first instance.

Being in a relationship ...its not going to make you any happier.

Having kids isnt going to make you any happier.

I know lots of people in relationships ..who still are depressed ...still miserable..it doesnt make them worse partners....but the relationship ..it hasn't made them happy in the way they thought.

Please DONT think you cant have a relationship ..YOU COULD MAKE A GREAT PARTNER but you still would feel the same. So don't neglect these issues.

I know what you are saying - it just seems that their lifes are so much better than mine - and I'm intelligent enough to realise that it could be a front and I don't know hat is happening behind closed doors or in their head. They have all gone down the marriage/kids route and I have not gone down any route. Again, I just feel awkward.
e.g. I met someone for the first time in about 15+ years. Exchanged pleasantries and then both started asking about what we have been getting up to - when I was asked if I was married or with someone, I said no, I was single. The look of pity I got almost took my breath away. I felt so small and childish.

SameAsU wrote: »

Id have a lot of similar issues OP, albeit I am married and have a family. I dont really have any friends or social contacts that I am in touch with regularly. I did have a nice group of friends at one stage but Ive lost touch with them all and we all live all over the world in any case. I pretty much go to work, home and gym and thats it, unless I’m bringing the kids somewhere.

That sounds like my life minus the wife & kids.

I am an introvert
My anxiety and introverted nature comes across as snobbery to some people, I have been told that more than once so perhaps that puts people off.

I would think I am an introvert too. This reminds me of one instance when I was out and someone was talking to me and a colleague. I zoned out and was people watching. I got called out on it by the person who said something along the lines of don't worry I'll go soon. That was the case for me. I could think what to say to join the conversation and secondly I was scared that they were trying to "chat" to us.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I can completely understand where you are and how easily it can happen.

I hope so too, but time is running out!

zoobizoo wrote: »

Have you got things to talk about on a date? Are you worried about being judged? Are you afraid to express your opinions? Have you a good sense of humour?

Nothing to talk about. I keep my opinions to myself mostly - I'd tend to take that trait from my mum who keeps her cards close. I think I've a good sense of humour, but it might be a bit off-centre.
I don't watch TV much - so don't know anything about the latest box sets, etc. Never seen a minute of The Wire, 24, House of Cards, Game of Thrones etc.

zoobizoo · 24-09-2020 11:42am

You're afraid of getting lost or injured hiking?
My 88 year old Father in Law stopped hiking 3 years ago because his heart couldn't take it. Buy a GPS!

Is that how you face life?

You work for yourself and in an office?

What type of medical condition?

relax carry on · 24-09-2020 11:45am

SameAsU wrote: »

Id have a lot of similar issues OP, albeit I am married and have a family. I dont really have any friends or social contacts that I am in touch with regularly. I did have a nice group of friends at one stage but Ive lost touch with them all and we all live all over the world in any case. I pretty much go to work, home and gym and thats it, unless Iâ€™m bringing the kids somewhere.

I am an introvert and had a pretty tough and miserable upbringing at home and was bullied in school also, Im sure a lot of my insecurities stem from there but have never had counselling. I can be very assured and confident in some situations like work, where I have been quite successful, e.g. I can present to and make small talk and speak to quite important and powerful people with ease but then I struggle in social situations like yourself. My anxiety and introverted nature comes across as snobbery to some people, I have been told that more than once so perhaps that puts people off.

I also go to the gym regularly, mainly for image reasons also. Id be quite good looking (I think).

To be honest I have kind of accepted who I am and the lack of a social life isnt a huge issue for me personally. If I didnt have a wife and family I would probably feel very different though. I do wish I had more friends and social contacts but it is what it is. I have tried doing courses, joining clubs etc but I dont really get past the small talk point with people. Making friends just doesnt come easy for whatever reason.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I can completely understand where you are and how easily it can happen.

Are you my twin or have you some how read my mind? Everything you've written is a carbon copy of me. Nice to know I'm not the only one.

hayoc · 24-09-2020 4:51pm

The thing about it is - you CAN make small talk - you have said you chat to people in work and people in the gym. To me that sounds like you can make small talk when its "safe" or you know what the expectations are. But if it comes to making small talk with a view to a new friend or someone you fancy - you freeze up because you dont know how to proceed and most probably - you have a fear or failure or embarrassment. I think most people have such fears, to a lesser or greater extent, but yours have actually stopped you from engaging with people.

I agree with the poster who said you seem unwilling to change. Nothing changes unless you change it. You can get as much therapy as you want, but you need to apply the theory in real life. I sense that you are intelligent and maybe thats a difficulty in therapy, because smart people often "logic" their way out of good advice.

Its interesting that you dont see yourself as "normal"? What IS normal - to you? There are many people out there who would like to be less conventional and less normal, but you feel the opposite way and want to be more normal. Normal is a spectrum IMO. There is no "normal".

Hiking - afraid of getting lost or injured. You could join a hiking group, or even a guided walk group. You can mosey along in it and practice your small talk. Or you can talk to no one and just know that you wont be getting lost or injured alone.

You talk about someone giving you a look of pity because you are single - thats you projecting. For all you know that could have been a look of envy. Its more to do with how you present the info than the info itself. No one cares if you are married with a family or not. But asking you puts your defences up and that probably shows. But there are LOADS of people out there in their 40s who never married, lost a partner, got divorced, didnt have kids, or whatever. Not everyone is "settled down with a family" in their 40s.

Time isnt running out. You are in your 40s. People only start getting out in the world in their 20s. You could live into your 80s. So youve got twice the time left ahead of you as behind you in terms of "getting out there".

You certainly have things to talk about. You just feel like your things to talk about are not important or interesting enough to talk about. If you had more activities to be engaging in then you could talk about those.

You really seem to be judging yourself against some kind of "normal" barometer and feeling like you have failed. But Im not sure what this "normal" is that seems so elusive to you.

Graces7 · 25-09-2020 2:26pm

Occurs to me that you are trying to live up to what others think is the norm? Square peg, round hole?

It is fine to be single. It really is. NB you are not a hermit! Far from it. If you were you would not be unhappy. ( I am a hermit and am totally at ease with it. )

The advice to volunteer is spot on. Working with others who need you. Try it? Stop trying to live up to what you think others expect of you. Give of your time and skills to others. Let go! Stop trying so hard.

Purple Mountain · 25-09-2020 5:16pm

zoobizoo wrote: »

You're afraid of getting lost or injured hiking?
My 88 year old Father in Law stopped hiking 3 years ago because his heart couldn't take it. Buy a GPS!

Is that how you face life?

You work for yourself and in an office?

What type of medical condition?

That sentence about facing life stands out here for me.
OP look at your long response above to various people's responses and suggestions.
It's peppered with obstacles you're putting up yourself.
Noone can change your life for you, you are the only one who can change your own life.
You've gotten great advice, encouragement and reassurance that actually you have a lot of positives going for you as you are already.
Unless you take a step past the wall of 'everything is doomed to fail' you seem to have put up then you're going to keep rebounding off the wall.

zoobizoo · 25-09-2020 10:35pm

Substitute "won't" for "can't".

You can do many things but you won't do them.

Up until 24 I suffered badly from Social Anxiety. I couldn't talk to anyone who I didn't really know.

I quit my job, I booked a flight to Europe and started seeing some of the world. I was so nervous. My legs nearly buckled beneath me in arrivals when I was waiting for my bag. What the F&CK was I thinking..... on my own, scared, wanting the world to suck me up.

I spent the first week talking to no one. I used to go for a walk in the day time, pick up groceries and then read in bed. I did that for 7 days.

Then I decided to go to the Irish pub on my own. I sat outside and read a book. Spoke to no one. The next night I sat at the bar with my book and spoke to the bar man. The next night I sat watching the news at the bar and a guy started talking to me - I had a chat with him and the bar man and ....... you get the picture... I was socialising and the more I did, the easier it became.

A couple of weeks later I was hooking up with American and Canadians while traveling through Italy. I developed techniques how to chat to people I didn't know. They might be reading a book "oh, how's that book?" - or have a copy of the Lonely Planet - "is that the latest version?"..... "are you guys heading to X city?" Again, I learned how to talk to people I didn't know.

Don't get me wrong - I still had certain levels of anxiety each time at the start but by putting my neck out and saying hello to people, and getting over those first awkward seconds for me, I was growing in confidence through doing.

Now - that's what you need to do. Start doing.

I

ILoveYourVibes · 25-09-2020 11:38pm

I know what you are saying - it just seems that their lifes are so much better than mine - and I'm intelligent enough to realise that it could be a front and I don't know hat is happening behind closed doors or in their head. They have all gone down the marriage/kids route and I have not gone down any route. Again, I just feel awkward.

None of that is because they have a partner. Its because of who they are in their head.

They could be single and their lives would seem better than yours ..because ..they are happy.

And maybe they are not happy who knows.

There are lots of routes. If you dont seem to be able to do the marriage /kids route ..find another.

You are putting marriage on a pedestal.

You need to stop thinking about it ..and just socialize. Be nice do things for people etc. Take very oppertunity to go out when asked.

Ask yourself if you do things that keep others at a distance ...like not sharing or making them feel comfortable?

LegacyUser · 28-10-2020 11:04pm

Hello - apologies for not replying back sooner.

I've just gave up my rental as I had moved back home due to Covid. I'm feeling very down about it and a wasted year at my age is a big problem - I probably would have wasted it anyway, but it is out of my control now.
I'm not liking being at home - tensions at times, other times okay. I miss the gym and going into the office.

Working from home has been okay for a while, but now I've moved onto different work and I am desperately struggling despite the boss saying I'm doing fine.

I went for a walk on the beach one day and it was nice, but it was an effort. For a variety of reasons I've not done anything since. Just seems weird going for a walk.

You're afraid of getting lost or injured hiking?
My 88 year old Father in Law stopped hiking 3 years ago because his heart couldn't take it. Buy a GPS!

Is that how you face life?

I see that as a rational concern!?

You work for yourself and in an office?

Yes, contract work.

What type of medical condition?

I'd rather not name it - it is none visible and doesn't affect the majority of my life - like diabetes.

I agree with the poster who said you seem unwilling to change.

I just struggle to change. It annoys me that I am so ambivalent and obsessed about it concurrently. I can manage something once or twice (like the walk) but I can't go any further as I slip back into my old ways.

I've looked at online dating, but most of the females are intimidating. There are ones I like, but I'm too scared to contact as my profile is rubbish. Is it bad that I have likes and wants in a partner too? I don't feel as if I should be "grateful" for anyone to take an interest.

Ask yourself if you do things that keep others at a distance ...like not sharing or making them feel comfortable?

I don't know. Its possible. <shrug>. Nothing intentional.

Faith · 30-10-2020 10:17am

I don't feel like ambivalence and psychoanalytic therapy go all that well together, in your case. It seems to just be maintaining your difficulties while giving you a false sense of doing something about it.

Let's try this:

What's the most pressing thing - distilled into one single sentence or concept - that you would like to change?

Graces7 · 30-10-2020 11:06am

Small point op; you spoke of a year being wasted. No time or experience is ever wasted. It can always teach us something.

LegacyUser · 30-10-2020 12:29pm

Faith wrote: »

I don't feel like ambivalence and psychoanalytic therapy go all that well together, in your case. It seems to just be maintaining your difficulties while giving you a false sense of doing something about it.

Let's try this:

What's the most pressing thing - distilled into one single sentence or concept - that you would like to change?

I would like to improve the lack of social interactions in my life. Whether that be platonic or romantic, I'm not sure - I think romantic.

Small point op; you spoke of a year being wasted. No time or experience is ever wasted. It can always teach us something.

It has been *teaching* me for a few decades now but I'm not *learning*.

LegacyUser · 30-10-2020 3:49pm

OP you are being exceptionally hard on yourself. Lots of people are in the same boat, can’t make lasting social connections for whatever reason. As I said earlier in the thread I’m like you but have made peace with it to an extent.

A godsend for me through lockdown has been walking. I know you said you tried it and it did nothing for you but give it a chance. I bought a good set of headphones and I listen to podcasts or music and I’ll walk an hour minimum each evening. I get annoyed if it’s wet and I can’t go. Reading is great as well to pass the time.

Some people will tell you that that’s terrible advice and you need to get out, develop interests and meet new people etc. Absolutely do that if you can but it’s difficult right now during a pandemic and like I said earlier in the thread I tried all of that, classes, volunteering etc and nothing really stuck in terms of making friends for whatever reason. We should all keep trying to broaden our interests and horizons but in the meantime you need to occupy your body and mind.

Faith · 30-10-2020 7:40pm

hermit123 wrote: »

I would like to improve the lack of social interactions in my life. Whether that be platonic or romantic, I'm not sure - I think romantic.

Okay, great. Let’s imagine I had a magic wand and imbued you with the belief that you had the power to change that. What would be the first thing you’d do, the first step you’d take, to start making that change?

Airyfairy12 · 31-10-2020 4:10pm

Reading through your posts you have a problem for every solution and a terrible defeatist attitude.
Id take a guess and say that this might have something to do with your difficulty socialising, no one likes being around someone whose constantly negative, its draining to be around.
You have so much to be grateful for, you have a job, money, a roof over your head, a family caring enough and willing to have you stay with them, youre young and could have so much going for you but instead, you wallow in self pity and find the negative in every situation.
Nothing is rainbows and sunshine, everything will have problems and negatives, such is life, thats how it is for everyone but the difference is youre choosing to only focus on the negatives.

Try and do the things you want to do without over thinking everything.

LegacyUser · 31-10-2020 10:26pm

Faith wrote: »

Okay, great. Let’s imagine I had a magic wand and imbued you with the belief that you had the power to change that. What would be the first thing you’d do, the first step you’d take, to start making that change?

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

The White Feather · 01-11-2020 3:29am

hermit123 wrote: »

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

See, its not about trying things. It is Doing things. You tried all these things. It sounds like you went through the motions doing them. What do you like doing? Then do that. Enjoy something then you will like talking about it. Then you can talk to people about it without it seeming an effort.

Why be intimidated? Are you intimidated posting here? I'd say no. Its all strangers. Its the same thing as in dating sites. You said you arent fully committed. Well, you have to be. You have to speculate to accumulate. It means taking a chance. Saying hello to someone etc

Start today and forget the past. If it still seems hard then just do small steps. Go outside and go for walks. Become the opposite of a hermit.

Switch your whole mindset to thinking that you have a lot to offer and why not? If everything that you have been doing has not worked, then you need to try the exact opposite.

For instance, I said in an earlier post to ring one of your friends. You said that you regularly contact each other but just with silly messages. That seemed the end of it for you. Well ring them! The relationship becomes what you make it. If ye only text, then ye only text. If you ring and talk every day it will become that.

Remember what I said here "its not about trying things. It is Doing things" You are not happy with things that you have done so start doing the opposite. Don't think. Do it. There has been great advice in this thread. Pick something and do it. Don't nitpick. Dont think. Just do it.

If you sleep in late. Get up early from now on. If you get up early, sleep in and stay up late. If you usually text as you say, then ring people from now on. If you email co workers, ring them. If you don't go out, go out every day. Where? Anywhere. Walk to a friends house and then go back. You can ring them and say hey I was near your place on a walk the other day. Friends too far? Go to the local shop and buy something small every day.

If you say nothing to people in shops, start talking to them. I am an introvert too and I started doing this for practice. I began by smiling and saying thanks loudly. Then went to eye contact. Then eventually chatting. I used to just murmur, grab my stuff and scurry away. It still hard for me to do but its great practice. They can't tell you go away and generally they like a chat as they are bored. A few weeks of smiling and saying thanks and then they realised I am a nice guy so they won't mind chatting.

So I did the opposite of what I used to do. You have to keep applying it. If you quit the classes you joined. Get back in them and don't quit them this time. Then every class, make it your mission to say something about anything to someone there. Then same again next week and so on. Ok, you will say , its lockdown. Classes are not on at the moment. Ring the person there and say you intend to come back when its back. Find out if there are online stuff for it. Youtube videos that you could look at. Ask if there is an online group for it to stay in touch. Keep going and don't just stop. It is all about practice so then you don't even think about it.

You said you struggle to change. You won't change unless you start it. It is simple as that. If you usually only do something for a day or 2, then do the opposite. Do it for a full month? Why? Because you have never done it. you miss a day? Month begins again. Whatever you are doing or have done, do the opposite. Switch the layout in your bedroom. go out every day at lunchtime. Go out after work. Change your routine.

I was in as rut like you and I just did everything different to get myself out of the hole. I even switched my watch to the opposite hand so I would have to "think" which hand I had my watch on. I did everything the opposite. Nothing I did worked before I changed. It got me out of a rut and got me going. Don't overthink anything. Just pick something and do it. If you are sure its not for you, pick something else and do it until you feel comfortable. Don't stop and think. Keep going and doing things.

Don't read books? Read a book a week. You read now and then already? then read more. Then you can tell anyone you meet about the book you just read. You dont walk much? Walk every day. Throw in a small run at the weekend. Can't run? Just walk a bit quicker so for a few meters. Don't stretch at all? Stretch every day. Do it in your bedroom if you feel a bit odd doing it at first. Watch movies? get netflix. Can't afford it or don't want to get it? Then you have your subject to ask a friend or someone you meet. Ask them is netflix worth it? Is spotify worth it? etc

If you have to, write out bullet points so it can jog your memory when you are talking to someone in case you are afraid of freezing up on the phone.

Sorry for the long post but maybe you can see how and why I did it too. you can too. It is totally up to you. Just start doing things. Don't think. Just pick something and do it. You said you were not committed. Commit. To everything. Fix those dating profiles like you are applying to a job. Doing things fully is now your job.

01-11-2020 8:06am

Why did you give up your rental? Are you going to the gym at all now? You could try just heading out every day for a walk or a drive, maybe get a takeaway coffee or food and sit in a nice area just people watching, you need a change of scenery rather than stuck inside all day. Have you any siblings to speak with or just to visit? It's extremely difficult to do or enjoy some things without a friend or colleague and yet you don't sound like someone that would be easy to befriend, you seem quite stubborn in your own way and I think this definitely comes from your upbringing as you mention your mother is quite staunch. You seem to be your own worse enemy and I think that's also an upbringing issue, are you close to any other family member apart from your mother, do you worry about her reaction to things you do rather than recognising that your an adult and can do whatever you want in life?

Wanderer78 · 01-11-2020 8:28am

Please don't take this the wrong way op, but it sounds like you have classic autism behaviour, have any of the professionals you interact with mentioned this?

Windmill100000 · 01-11-2020 10:20am

Hi op, therapy is hard work and you are clearly resistant.

Behind this resitance is often fear - the fear of uncovering who you really are. If you block attempts to find out who you really are you are keeping yourself safe but also you are not moving forward.

Perhaps you have an idealised view of what everyone else is like. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all carry wounds from past hurts and disappointments.

Perhaps the key lies in learning to accept yourself, and by that I mean all of you- even the parts like your dad.

Resistance clearly hasn't worked. Maybe it's time to acknowledge that and open yourself up to therapy in a different way?

Faith · 01-11-2020 1:17pm

hermit123 wrote: »

I'd find an interest and join a dating site.
(Both of which I have tried. i tried clubs, cooking classes, night classes, language classes etc, but nothing. In terms of dating sites, I have profiles on a few, but it is not fully committed - I'm intimidated by it all and scared to swipe/reply - plus covid has reduced my enthusiasm at the minute as I don't see the point).

So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.

Unable to socialise

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