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Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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    #122
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I haven't been giving her cash in fairness. But I had to give her cash to pay the vet and I'd misplaced my bank card so just asked her to sort the rent. So it's just a once off. You're dead right though. I'll just pay bills and do shopping myself or online. I don't know how she could honestly believe that we are comfortable. I'm dreading going home from work now as I just know when I ask the question about the money for the vet bill the answer I will most likely get. Of course i'm going to bring him regardless. If it was some non significant bill I would be tempted to just let her sort it out, but i'm not going to leave him if he's not himself.

    So ask for it back. It doesn't have to be confrontational just a simple 'Can you give me back the money to pay the vet as I'm bringing him on Saturday'. She will bleed you dry if you don't stop giving her money and making excuses for giving her money.

    Her version of comfortable is having you pay for her lifestyle. If living costs her nothing then of course it's comfortable.


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    #123
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Adult@home wrote: »
    Had a chat with her about earlier and was told her been on the piss for three days is her business. Real nice when her main source of income is me and my brother. She reckons she paid the rent but friend was here and didn't say she brought her and that was the plan. Apparently you can't physically go in to An Post and withdraw money if you have an An Post account. I don't the ins and outs. But she's spent the cash. She says she has the money for the dog and has paid the rent. She reckons she'l have it tomorrow. The friend called and she say to me are you still in a mood? I said i'm not in a mood I just wanted to make sure the dog is sorted out and you've been on the piss for three days so where are you getting the money for bottles of wine.

    Then she says to me later on she wouldn't do that she knows how good I am to her and that I should know her better, she's so straight with me. I just said you can tell me it's none of my business all she wants but that i'm finishing my job soon and we have to be sensible with money that i'm not flush and it's a slap in the face when you've been on the wine for three days.


    So the money to pay for the vet was spent on alcohol. I don't know what more you can get from this thread OP. You've been told numerous times to stop giving her money. It will be spent on alcohol, she views you as a live in ATM machine.

    Save up, take out a small credit union loan and do whatever it takes to move out. As long as you continue to pay for her lifestyle nothing will change.


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    #124
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’m sure it’s a very stressful situation for you, but your mother doesn’t seem to be able to see beyond her own needs / wants, and her friend sounds frankly horrible.

    Your number one priority has to be to get enough money together to move out. If you borrow from a sibling, or get a credit union loan, I really think that’s what you should do. The longer you stay, you’re getting sucked into your mother’s messy life, and I think you’re going to end up being hurt by her lack of consideration for you. Financially and emotionally.

    I’m not criticising you when I say this, but you seem to be viewing all of the incidents where you were fleeced for money as isolated mishaps / relatively minor transgressions on her part. They’re not - they are a pattern of behaviour that is going to upset you, and leech money from you, and mean that you have to stay with her longer while you try to get enough money together to move. You’ve described multiple instances where she used your money to fund herself - buying booze or cigarettes on your money (instead of just food) and going on a bender. I don’t know about the post office account, but based on her previous behaviour I’d be very suspicious of whether that’s true. Just STOP giving her cash, for any reason. If you’ve mislaid your card, well find it! No cash for bills of any sort. Ever.

    If you don’t start saying a firm NO to her, you are going be drawn into her messy life long-term. And it will harm your long term relationship with her. Sadly, I get the feeling that you’re not going to do any of this. Did you change your pin, or get a new bank card? I reckon your chat with her was her telling you what you want to hear, and zero will change. The only change will happen when you STOP giving her cash, and start using the word NO.

    PS: I’m sorry if that’s very harsh, and I know she’s your mother and you care for her. Just don’t let her life choices leave you with no choices about your life.


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    #125
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    OP you have to move out.


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    #126
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ILoveYourVibes wrote: »
    OP you have to move out.

    I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.


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    #127
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,435 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

    I'm no expert, but it's worth having a read of the attached link to see what is entailed in applying and getting approved for an invalidity pension. It will require doctors/ consultants reports. If you look at the social welfare forum on here, you will gather that it can be a long process from applying, and possibly having to appeal, if declined.

    https://www.gov.ie/en/service/d148b9-invalidity-pension/

    I'm hesitant to say this, OP, as it is your mother that is involved, but you may not be getting the full picture. And what was her plan, financially, if you had not reappeared on the scene.
    I'm not asking you to answer that btw, just to think it over.


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    #128
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    How was she able to stay on illness benefit without a certificate from her doctor? I also don't know how she can qualify for an early pension if her doctor is saying she's fit for work.

    The good news is your brother is also helping out, so it is all not landing on your shoulders anymore.

    I think the previous advice still stands however. You're paying your portion and not giving ad hoc cash to your mum.

    At the end of the day, she's lucky you're there to be able to provide anything. If you hadn't moved home, what would she do?


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    #129
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

    Well if she's not supposed to be on illness benefit she has two choices, get a job or apply for social welfare. She's not a special case. This is how other people do it, and you're just making excuses which will hamper you from removing yourself from the situation.


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    #130
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.
    You sound like a good daughter.

    I hope it works out for you x


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    #131
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    How was she able to stay on illness benefit without a certificate from her doctor? I also don't know how she can qualify for an early pension if her doctor is saying she's fit for work.

    The good news is your brother is also helping out, so it is all not landing on your shoulders anymore.

    I think the previous advice still stands however. You're paying your portion and not giving ad hoc cash to your mum.

    At the end of the day, she's lucky you're there to be able to provide anything. If you hadn't moved home, what would she do?


    They are still giving her certs so I don't really get it to be honest. But she did say that the doctor pulled her aside a while back and said we have facilitated you long enough and told her to find another job. She passed comment the other evening in her friends about "who wouldn't pull a stroke (basically a scheme) if they could" and then turns and apologises to me saying I know you wouldn't. She then mentioned how when my brother was there and had a few quid through ill gains or not (selling drugs) etc. It just made me angry that she is happy to take this money from him knowing where it's come from rather than telling him to get away from that crap. My brother has been giving her a lot too from the sounds of it. I don't think this is fair on him either.

    I don't want to be judgemental towards my own mother but this beggars belief.


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    #132
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi guys,

    Mods sorry for reviving an older thread. If I need to start a new one let me know.

    Basically we have a very hands on dog at home, he's strong and not easy to walk for some people.

    He's a baby at the best of times though, loves cuddles, human contact etc. He's just not amazing around other dogs unfortunately. I have been walking him, taking him to the vets etc. He is overweight so I ordered him tailored food from a specialist company to get his weight down. He's between 8 to 13kgs overweight so not a small amount. I've been strict with his diet getting him out walking, taking him to the vets. He had a bit of an issue with being a bit sore all his back end, back legs etc. He was very reactive to the vet when she checked him out. He has since improved and was okay the last time. I got his vaccines up to date, am trying to get his insurance sorted out etc.

    He got to this state as my mother overfeeds him, gives him human food constantly and NEVER walks him. She was on board for a while and wouldn't give in to his begging but I know she has been given him extra treats etc on the sly.

    This dog is well loved and well fed so in no way deprived by not getting all the extra food.

    My mother came up with this genius idea to get another dog. We spoke about it and I thought she realised it was a terrible idea and it was put to bed. Now she has brought it up but wants to get a staffordshire terrier pub that she got wind of a family members friend has.

    Our dog is a staffy/boxer cross and although he's loyal and loving, they can be territorial by nature. He didn't have a great start as a pub before we got him which we believe is his reason for being a bit cranky with other dogs.

    My mother believes "he needs to be socialised with other dogs".

    She can't even mind the one we have let alone get another one. If she was to go down that road she would need a professional dog trainer to assist. There's no way we could just bring another dog into the house.

    The fact she is so blazee about this knowing our dogs personality just blows my mind. I feel like i'm talking to a 5 year old who wants to put a pony out the back garden.

    I'm afraid i'll move out and she will go ahead with this without me knowing.

    At my wits end !!!!!


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    #133
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    OP, I initially separated your latest post out to a new thread with the intention of moving it to Animals & Pet Issues. However as you've posted anonymously I can't move it there. So posters can get a fuller picture I've moved it back here.

    Thanks

    HS


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    #134
    Telly
    Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    The main question here is who is going to pay to keep this new dog seeing as your Mam says she hasnt a pot to píss in?


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    #135
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Telly wrote: »
    The main question here is who is going to pay to keep this new dog seeing as your Mam says she hasnt a pot to píss in?

    TBH i'm more concerned about the fact that I know the two dogs will end up fighting and it's going to end up in tears. I'm refusing to pay for another dog. It's the most bat s**t crazy thing i've heard from her.


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    #136
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Why are you still there?

    You don't appear willing to remedy your situation.


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    #137
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    Why are you still there?

    You don't appear willing to remedy your situation.

    I am trying to get on top of my finances. Unfortunately I can't afford to move out right now. I'm hoping to get out December/early January latest. I just don't have the funds right now.


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    #138
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I am trying to get on top of my finances. Unfortunately I can't afford to move out right now. I'm hoping to get out December/early January latest. I just don't have the funds right now.

    The amount you are handing over could have facilitated a share at this stage. It doesnt sound like living at home is any cheaper.


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    #139
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    TBH i'm more concerned about the fact that I know the two dogs will end up fighting and it's going to end up in tears. I'm refusing to pay for another dog. It's the most bat s**t crazy thing i've heard from her.

    Well if one of them kills the other the problem solved itself.
    You are enabling your mother who knows how to use you. This sort of useless drama will continue as long as you let it happen


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    #140
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Well if one of them kills the other the problem solved itself.

    I really hope that's just a really sick joke. That's a disgusting thing to say.


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    #141
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@home wrote: »
    She is moving to invalidity pension. She be able to get the Supplementary Allowance in the meant time but she can't because my brother has been giving her money. So she's about 40e a week now until and if she gets the pension.

    Just on this point - this is accurate.

    Once any kind of income is coming into the home from any other source (e.g. adult child or spouse) DEASP are not obliged to pay SWA.

    (eta) sorry, just realised this is an old thread.


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    #142
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,926 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Ask your mum to come to the vet with you and discuss her idea with the vet. Maybe she's not going to take that this is a bad idea from you, but she might listen to them. Some rescue centres have dog training lessons, which could help your current dog.

    You can't control what your mother does unfortunately. If the pup she has her eye on is for sale, she hasnt the funds herself to buy it, so stick to your guns about not stumping up the cash for it.


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    #143
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I really hope that's just a really sick joke. That's a disgusting thing to say.

    How can this be a joke? It’s likely to happen if your current dog is as difficult as you said. Adding another dog to the mix is nothing but pure stupidity and selfishness on your mother’s part, and you know this, too.

    Look, your mother is a user, she will keep pressing you to entertain her whims. I am a user, I do the same if I get away with it. The funny thing is that you always find someone who “wants to be used” and you don’t seem to fully realise that this is your role.

    You will be dragged into all this **** until you manage to remove yourself from her grasp/ house.
    Even if you refuse to get the dog for her and someone else does you can be sure that it will become your responsibility at some stage (even partially).


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    #144
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    Ask your mum to come to the vet with you and discuss her idea with the vet. Maybe she's not going to take that this is a bad idea from you, but she might listen to them. Some rescue centres have dog training lessons, which could help your current dog.

    You can't control what your mother does unfortunately. If the pup she has her eye on is for sale, she hasnt the funds herself to buy it, so stick to your guns about not stumping up the cash for it.

    That's a really great idea. I had spoke to animal centre's about training for him before. But that was just so I could get him to be a bit calmer around other dogs in general. Not to go bringing another dog into his environment. That's just insanity. He's improved a lot and I can manage him out on is walks. He just gets a bit yappy around other dogs and can't be trusted off the lead (he's never let off the lead anyways). She's aware the dog is overweight and that it can cause serious problems. This has come from the professionals that are providing his food and the vet. But she's still backtracking. I'd love to take him with me when I move out but she'd never go along with it.

    I just feel like this is another way for her to be difficult. The very reason she won't walk him is because of her "fear" after him biting another dog. But yet she wants to constantly have another dog in his environment.


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    #145
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    This isn’t about the dog (even though that sounds like such a stupid and impractical idea). This is about your mother doing whatever the hell she wants, and never thinking of the consequences. Actually scratch that, I’m actually wondering does she enjoy wrong-footing you, and making you stressed.

    You need to move out! Feck having your finances in order, get out into the cheapest accommodation you can find. You can be bloody sure it will cost you less than your mother’s whims do.

    So now you're paying top dollar for food for the current dog, which she goes behind your back and ruins. I don’t agree with animal cruelty by any means - but you say you can’t afford to move out, and yet have been drawn into spending a fair amount of money on a *dog*. Instead of securing your own peace of mind by moving out. You’re effectively valuing the dogs well-being more than yours.

    And she wants another dog. As another poster said, whose responsibility (practically and financially) do you think this new dog will be? It’s like she’s trying her hardest to keep you tied to her.

    Put your energies and money into yourself. Not a dog.


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    #146
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 33,867 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Hi OP, I don't mean to be harsh at all here but this current issue isn't exactly unpredictable given what you told us earlier.

    Your mother is irresponsible and does what she wants. Especially if while doing so she can screw a few quid out of a mark (i.e. you.)

    Your mother is an alcoholic.

    These are facts I'm afraid.

    You know that stuff about accepting the things you cannot change? It's a load of crap. It doesn't mean that you should accept things which are are abusive to you.

    You cannot change her. She has made certain choices in life. She's entitled to make those choices. But she is not entitled to emotionally or financially abuse you. IMHO as was said by several posters previously in this thread, you need to distance yourself (hard as it may be) and focus on building a better life for yourself.

    Only when your own life is stable can you think about helping others - but there's a strong chance that no matter what you do, she doesn't want to be helped. It sounds like she's been living an alcoholic's life for some years now and she may not want to change. Don't become determined to 'fix' her. The most skilled psychotherapists in the world can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.

    Life ain't always empty.



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    #147
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hotblack Desiato wrote: »
    Hi OP, I don't mean to be harsh at all here but this current issue isn't exactly unpredictable given what you told us earlier.

    Your mother is irresponsible and does what she wants. Especially if while doing so she can screw a few quid out of a mark (i.e. you.)

    Your mother is an alcoholic.

    These are facts I'm afraid.

    You know that stuff about accepting the things you cannot change? It's a load of crap. It doesn't mean that you should accept things which are are abusive to you.

    You cannot change her. She has made certain choices in life. She's entitled to make those choices. But she is not entitled to emotionally or financially abuse you. IMHO as was said by several posters previously in this thread, you need to distance yourself (hard as it may be) and focus on building a better life for yourself.

    Only when your own life is stable can you think about helping others - but there's a strong chance that no matter what you do, she doesn't want to be helped. It sounds like she's been living an alcoholic's life for some years now and she may not want to change. Don't become determined to 'fix' her. The most skilled psychotherapists in the world can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.

    I gave on trying to fix her many years ago


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    #148
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I gave on trying to fix her many years ago

    It begs the question. Why are you still there? Why are you posting about this issue if you've given up trying to 'fix' your Mum??

    I don't understand. Either you put up with this, or you find a way to get out. Any way - even if you have to couch surf for a bit...


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    #149
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I know I sound like I’m pushing you OP, but you might have given up trying to fix your mother - but you haven’t fixed how you react to her. So you’re stuck on the merry go round of humouring her, funding her, and getting stressed by her. You can’t fix her. But you can vastly improve your own life by removing yourself from at least the day to day cycle of that. And far easier to not go along with her frankly batsh*t ideas if you’re not living with her.


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    #150
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I gave on trying to fix her many years ago

    OP, I rent a room in my home. I have and would take an understanding view to people that are a little tight on cash (Its not available. Same person there now for 3 years).

    Theres no way the cost of a room is more than you are putting into this situation. My licensee pays rent and her own food and even then we eat together a good bit so thats even shared. Its about 600 a month probable, in total. Compare that to the mess now.


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    #151
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Niner leprauchan wrote: »
    OP, I rent a room in my home. I have and would take an understanding view to people that are a little tight on cash (Its not available. Same person there now for 3 years).

    Theres no way the cost of a room is more than you are putting into this situation. My licensee pays rent and her own food and even then we eat together a good bit so thats even shared. Its about 600 a month probable, in total. Compare that to the mess now.

    You're not considering getting a full months rent + deposit in one lumpsum.


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