Ambivalent about babies

meeeeh · 16-08-2018 11:58am

Baby Ambivalence wrote: »

If you don't mind my asking, what made you decide to have them when you wern't pushed? (assuming they wern't all "mistakes") There must be a desire to have a child if you consciously stop trying to avoid pregnancy.

There is a difference between wanting to have children no matter what or wanting to have children in certain circumstances. I have two kids but I wouldn't want to be single mother. I don't particularly like babies, a bit older kids are great. At least mine, I still don't have any particular desire to be around other people's kids. They are not hassle but if adults are present I'll be talking to adults. I have no problem admitting I was bored playing with ours when they were babies. At the same time I love ours to bits and I don't regret having kids one bit. Often life isn't about absolutes, I have friends who were desperately trying for a baby but decided against adoption. People do what suits them and having children isn't black and white situation.

lazygal · 16-08-2018 12:08pm

I find the baby stage incredibly boring and tedious too. Especially the first few months where there's no real feedback from them and you're doing everything in a sleep deprived haze. Love the stage from about two years on where they're proper little people you can have fun with. Haven't a huge interest in hanging around with other people's children either, I'd rather chat to the adults during a birthday party or other event I attend with my children.

Baby Ambivalence · 16-08-2018 12:12pm

I too would only ever consider having a child in a stable happy relationship. Now that I have found "Mr. Right" I still find myself unsure about whether I want them or not. I know I would never want to put myself through IVF so that further limits the time available. Id be open to adoption or fostering though. In some ways I even prefer the thought of that kind of parenting but then I don't want a kid badly enough to go through that process.

....... · 16-08-2018 12:13pm

Ive never wanted to have children, neither has my husband.

I came off the pill recently, Id been on it for 25 years. I was worried that I would become broody when I came off it and my body was no longer imprisoned by synthetic hormones.

My natural cycle has reasserted itself and I am happy to report no broodiness!

Triceratops Ballet · 17-08-2018 12:55am

I've always said I didn't want kids since I was in my early 20's in fact back then I was so much more determined about it than I am now at 35. I've spent a long time waiting for that bell to ring for me, as all the older wiser women in my life always told me it would "when I got older" I am older now and still no broodiness, I quite like kids but I've no desire to be a mother, a cool aunt, definitely! one who hands them back at the end of the day and enjoys 8-9 hours sleep per night!!
I know that as of right now I don't want to and I am pretty sure that won't change but I'm open to the possibility that it might, at the same time I'm aware that I'm running out of time to change my mind and I've had to make peace with the fact that I am making a decision to not have kids now knowing that the 40 year old me might hate me for it.

Babooshka · 17-08-2018 10:18am

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I know that as of right now I don't want to and I am pretty sure that won't change but I'm open to the possibility that it might, at the same time I'm aware that I'm running out of time to change my mind and I've had to make peace with the fact that I am making a decision to not have kids now knowing that the 40 year old me might hate me for it.

I don't think you can live your life planning for just in case I regret it later, not when it comes to kids anyway. I think you have to be fairly certain you want them. I was 42 having my first, (she's still my first heh heh!) and I was pretty sure - but still in the camp of others here who have said they would happily have children but also happily carry on without them. I didn't plan any IVF if infertility arose, and just wanted to see if it would happen. It did and boy does it rock your world. I now completely understand why we're wired to be so fertile younger, I find it hard to keep up with my little ragamuffin, in your 40's you need to look after yourself to keep up. It's not easy but I adore being her Mam and wouldn't swap it, but if I'd been less sure of wanting her, I don't know, there are times...so I wouldn't do it just as a by the by, you need to feel something inside telling you that you would at least like a baby or else it could end up feeling like a big mistake.

Having said that you could always have some eggs frozen if you feel you want the option later.

Triceratops Ballet · 17-08-2018 10:24am

Babooshka wrote:

I don't think you can live your life planning for just in case I regret it later, not when it comes to kids anyway. I think you have to be fairly certain you want them. I was 42 having my first, (she's still my first heh heh!) and I was pretty sure - but still in the camp of others here who have said they would happily have children but also happily carry on without them. I didn't plan any IVF if infertility arose, and just wanted to see if it would happen. It did and boy does it rock your world. I now completely understand why we're wired to be so fertile younger, I find it hard to keep up with my little ragamuffin, in your 40's you need to look after yourself to keep up. It's not easy but I adore being her Mam and wouldn't swap it, but if I'd been less sure of wanting her, I don't know, there are times...so I wouldn't do it just as a by the by, you need to feel something inside telling you that you would at least like a baby or else it could end up feeling like a big mistake.

Babooshka wrote:

Having said that you could always have some eggs frozen if you feel you want the option later.

I totally agree I'm not planning for just in case. I don't want kids now, I know that. if that changes in the future, (which I don't think it will) and the time has passed I will have to be fine with it.

Gaeilgeoir · 01-11-2018 9:16am

I've just been reading through this thread as I'm struggling with the decision myself at the moment. I'm 32 and single (have never been in a relationship and never expect to be) but my mother is in her 70s and I feel it's now or never if I want the kid to know her and also before my mum needs more care herself.

I am most certainly ambivalent about kids. I see they can be cute but I don't find them all that entertaining and time spent with my young niece and nephews left me feeling less like wanting kids rather than activating my biological clock! Just seeing the amount of work involved and how you have so little time to yourself. Your weekends start at 5 or 6am and are mostly spent keeping them entertained, fed and clean. I just don't know if I could hack it.

I'm extremely introverted and am at my happiest when alone or with my dog. Just sitting by the fire watching TV on my own is really the height of my week

I also enjoy having the freedom to travel (alone) whenever and wherever I feel like and having the disposable income to do so. So having a child would basically mean giving up everything I currently live about my life.

And yet, for the past year I have been planning single motherhood, believing some good instinct was telling me I would regret not having children. In the past week I've been questioning this and wondering if I was just being tricked again by that pesky societal programming. Perhaps rather than wanting a child, I just want to want a child?

It's so hard to choose between two alternate lives, one you know and one you can only speculate on. I still have no idea what I'm going to do

Faith · 01-11-2018 3:58pm

Gaeilgeoir wrote: »

I've just been reading through this thread as I'm struggling with the decision myself at the moment. I'm 32 and single (have never been in a relationship and never expect to be) but my mother is in her 70s and I feel it's now or never if I want the kid to know her and also before my mum needs more care herself.

I am most certainly ambivalent about kids. I see they can be cute but I don't find them all that entertaining and time spent with my young niece and nephews left me feeling less like wanting kids rather than activating my biological clock! Just seeing the amount of work involved and how you have so little time to yourself. Your weekends start at 5 or 6am and are mostly spent keeping them entertained, fed and clean. I just don't know if I could hack it.

I'm extremely introverted and am at my happiest when alone or with my dog. Just sitting by the fire watching TV on my own is really the height of my week I also enjoy having the freedom to travel (alone) whenever and wherever I feel like and having the disposable income to do so. So having a child would basically mean giving up everything I currently live about my life.

And yet, for the past year I have been planning single motherhood, believing some good instinct was telling me I would regret not having children. In the past week I've been questioning this and wondering if I was just being tricked again by that pesky societal programming. Perhaps rather than wanting a child, I just want to want a child?

It's so hard to choose between two alternate lives, one you know and one you can only speculate on. I still have no idea what I'm going to do

It sounds like the question is: Do you want a child, or are you afraid you'll regret it if you don't have one? For me, fear of regret is not a good reason at all at all.

ChrissieH · 22-11-2018 2:11pm

This is a great thread and obviously I'm extremely late in joining it because I've only just joined the forum, but it's exactly how I feel too and I really wish people would be open to talking about this in "real life" too, as it's clear from here that there are plenty of us in the same boat, but yet a lot of us feel that we're somehow wrong because of how we feel.

I'm 41 now and have had several long-term relationships, including my current one, and it was always the men who were keen to have children while I felt like I was constantly saying the same thing: "I just don't feel any desire to have them right NOW but I'm assuming some day I will want them" because like so many others here, I felt that people thought I was an evil, heartless cow when I said that I didn't want kids.
I have never felt any desire to have them, I still don't but as so many others have said, I'm so ambivalent that I decided to come off the pill last year and let fate make the decision for me, and during the past year I have had absolutely no strong reactions to getting my period or feeling fat and wondering "hmm, am I pregnant?" :-) I'm still as ambivalent as always, which worries me for all the same reasons everyone else has outlined; the fear that I will regret it when I'm older, knowing full well that if I DID have a baby this time next year, I'd be just as frustrated and bored as I would be happy and infatuated.
I have ambivalent friends who had children and are so honest, so I am living vicariously through them and I think that I know deep down in my heart that motherhood is not my purpose in life, but yet, as always, society and culture has me confused and thinking that maybe I want things that I don't actually want.

It's so confusing.

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 2:35pm

Having experienced a big wobble on my path to motherhood in the past few weeks, I now seem to be swinging back to my initial instinct that I do actually want a child. I wouldn't say my main reason is fear of regretting it if I don't, though that is certainly a factor. It's more that when I try to imagine the two alternative lives, as I have been doing a lot, there is a certain feeling of emptiness or even coldness associated with picturing my solitary carefree life as a single childless person. Whereas when I picture life with a child, there is sort of a glow of warmth about it. I realise that sounds quite waffley and believe me I am a very practical and logical person. I guess it's like that instinct though, the one telling me it's the right choice. You can't really put your finger on it or defend it with logic, you can only trust in it.

I'm still questioning it and even now, as I say I'm leaning towards motherhood, there is a huge fear still blocking the path. That is the fear of having a child who, for whatever reason, would be dependent on me for the rest of my life. I realise the risk of this is low and yet it does happen and you just have to make the best of it. I really don't want my life to be about just making the best of it though, so I'm finding it hard to accept the enormous risk and leap of faith that is demanded in choosing to become a mother.

Also, let's be honest, choosing to have a child is as selfish as choosing not to, whatever our decision it is the one we believe best for us, not for anyone else. So I think we have to be honest with our reasons too. Hence the fear of a child having a mental disability is a perfectly valid reason to choose not to take that chance. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person, it just means I know my limits and I know what kind of life I am desperate to avoid.

For me it's easier in one way as a single person but far more complicated in many many others. For example, were I in a happy and committed relationship then I don't think I'd hesitate at all. To be consciously taking on full responsibility from the start is something that can't be done lightly though.

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 2:37pm

ChrissieH wrote: »

This is a great thread and obviously I'm extremely late in joining it because I've only just joined the forum, but it's exactly how I feel too and I really wish people would be open to talking about this in "real life" too, as it's clear from here that there are plenty of us in the same boat, but yet a lot of us feel that we're somehow wrong because of how we feel.

I'm 41 now and have had several long-term relationships, including my current one, and it was always the men who were keen to have children while I felt like I was constantly saying the same thing: "I just don't feel any desire to have them right NOW but I'm assuming some day I will want them" because like so many others here, I felt that people thought I was an evil, heartless cow when I said that I didn't want kids.
I have never felt any desire to have them, I still don't but as so many others have said, I'm so ambivalent that I decided to come off the pill last year and let fate make the decision for me, and during the past year I have had absolutely no strong reactions to getting my period or feeling fat and wondering "hmm, am I pregnant?" :-) I'm still as ambivalent as always, which worries me for all the same reasons everyone else has outlined; the fear that I will regret it when I'm older, knowing full well that if I DID have a baby this time next year, I'd be just as frustrated and bored as I would be happy and infatuated.
I have ambivalent friends who had children and are so honest, so I am living vicariously through them and I think that I know deep down in my heart that motherhood is not my purpose in life, but yet, as always, society and culture has me confused and thinking that maybe I want things that I don't actually want.

It's so confusing.

How do you feel when you look at kids or spend time with them? Actually, having asked that, I'm still not sure it should have any relevance in your decision. I'm certainly counting on the notion that it's different when they're your own!

ChrissieH · 22-11-2018 2:41pm

Gaeilgeoir, I have actually got no interest at all in spending time with kids!!! :-O
I don't ever feel broody, babies don't make me go weak and I get bored when I'm in the company of children for more than a few minutes!

Everyone says it's totally different when you have your own and my friends have said that they still wouldn't be one bit interested in other peoples' kids, they just adore their own, so I could understand that point of view cos that's just a normal reaction for me; i.e. there are people I love spending time with and people I don't, so I don't feel any differently just cos they're a certain age!

I know in my heart that I'm not a really mothery person but then I also know that I would be a really good mother and it's been said to me too, so that's also what confuses me.. I have the skills, just not the .. instinct? I dunno!

Triceratops Ballet · 22-11-2018 3:00pm

Two of my best friends have recently had their first babies, I could see them watching me holding them to see if my heart/womb would suddenly melt and I'd change my mind! I do think they're magical little beings, they're gorgeous and new and all the lovely things ppl say but they don't awaken anything in me, which tbh I was a little relieved at!

Faith · 22-11-2018 3:13pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

Two of my best friends have recently had their first babies, I could see them watching me holding them to see if my heart/womb would suddenly melt and I'd change my mind! I do think they're magical little beings, they're gorgeous and new and all the lovely things ppl say but they don't awaken anything in me, which tbh I was a little relieved at!

I'm on the countdown to this. It's a matter of days for one and weeks for the other. Be very interested to see if it changes anything (I really, really doubt it will).

Foweva Awone · 22-11-2018 3:26pm

I'm 33 and have one child, he's almost 5. He lives with his dad (our relationship ended when our son was 1.)

I absolutely adore my boy and try to be the best mother I can be to him, but I am certain I won't have any more. My mental health was probably always slightly wobbly, but it crumbled completely when I had him, and I've spent most of his life in hospitals and other institutions. Things are getting back on track now, and I'm finally living independently again and even back working part-time, but I still need an awful lot of support on the mental health side of things.

Having been through all that, and knowing how bad things can get, it would sooooo not be worth the risk of ever getting pregnant again. It would be completely unfair on my son and on the potential future child. I just couldn't risk the consequences.

I do enjoy the freedom that comes with that decision being firmly made. I am in no rush to get into a new relationship anyways, but if I ever do feel ready, it's good that there's no "biological clock" to worry about. I won't feel the need to rush into anything, or to be looking for a "father figure" for my son (he already has a father!)

I'm not sure anything can prepare you for the sheer constantness of being a parent. It completely consumed and overwhelmed me - still does at times. Maybe I just wasn't cut out to be a mother - I see other women with several kids coping far better than I ever did, but sure what's the point in comparing - it's not really relevant and gets you nowhere. I love my son and am the best mother I can be to him, but even that stretches me to my limits (even though he is with his dad most of the time) - so to consider bringing another child into the equation would be pure madness!

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 3:43pm

ChrissieH wrote: »

Gaeilgeoir, I have actually got no interest at all in spending time with kids!!! :-O
I don't ever feel broody, babies don't make me go weak and I get bored when I'm in the company of children for more than a few minutes!

Everyone says it's totally different when you have your own and my friends have said that they still wouldn't be one bit interested in other peoples' kids, they just adore their own, so I could understand that point of view cos that's just a normal reaction for me; i.e. there are people I love spending time with and people I don't, so I don't feel any differently just cos they're a certain age!

I know in my heart that I'm not a really mothery person but then I also know that I would be a really good mother and it's been said to me too, so that's also what confuses me.. I have the skills, just not the .. instinct? I dunno!

Well I certainly wouldn't choose to be a mother purely based on the belief that you'd probably be good at it

If you feel no desire to have a child at all then your decision seems quite clear. I wish I were that sure of what I want, one minute I feel a strong instinct that it's the right path, the next I wonder what the hell I'm thinking. Seriously, I was just walking back to the office there telling myself how the risks must surely far outweigh the potential rewards e.g. my child could have any number of problems or I could simply discover (all too late) that I am not suited to motherhood at all. Whereas choosing not to have a child carries only the risk that you may regret it. Now granted, that regret could have a serious impact on your life but surely when it's something you cannot change then you'd just get over it?

I realise I seem to be changing my mind every five minutes, welcome to my life

ChrissieH · 22-11-2018 4:29pm

Oh I hear you. When I try to force myself to reach a set decision one way or another, I too think "God, but imagine if there was something really wrong with the child" , cos obviously at my age, there's a higher chance of that being a reality, and that's not something that I would ever see myself being good at managing, considering my lack of enthusiasm for the most basic, normal levels of childcare.
I do agree with you that I wouldn't choose to be a mother just because I know I'd be good at it, and that's actually exactly what I've said recently to people who've said "Oh but you'd be good at it" - I just say "yeah, thanks, I would be good at loads of things but I don't do them either!" :-)

It sucks that biology forces us all to have to make these decisions when we still don't feel ready. I still feel like I'm in my 20s so it's hard to reconcile that with the feeling that it's "now or never" if I do want a family. Feckin biology.

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 4:37pm

It's basically the most important decision of our lives. I'm so envious of those for whom the choice seems obvious, one way or the other. I can't say I have always wanted kids but nor can I say that I have ever been sure I didn't want them. Quite simply, I didn't really think about it up until a year ago!

I've been reading all these books and articles about choosing single motherhood, parenting and those who choose to remain childless. So far, I don't think I have found a single person I can truly relate to i.e. a single woman who has never felt strongly either way about having kids. All the stories I read about woman choosing to remain childless, they were either married or always knew they didn't want kids. Oh and 95% of them seem extremely focused on their careers, while to me work is just something you do in order to be able to pay for nice things

I have found reading these books to be useful in a way though, as I observe my own reactions and feelings in relation to what I'm reading. For example, I find myself wanting to go against what the childfree women are saying, which makes me think that I don't want to be convinced that theirs is the right choice. Again though, I don't know how much I can read into this as I still have a vague suspicion that a lot of this could be about me wanting to want a child and not necessarily about me actually wanting one.

So I don't know if it might help you to do the same, read other women's stories and see who you identify with more?

ChrissieH · 22-11-2018 5:06pm

Gaeilgeoir, I just re-read your last few posts, I had forgotten what you'd said in the earlier ones, I see that you're 32 and single, with a lovely fur baby (my favourite type!!)

I'm just wondering if you're making plans to go ahead with motherhood? I can understand what you're saying in your last post about feeling like you want to go against the childless argument, and whether that means that you DO want a child. I would interpret it the exact same way because I know how it feels to be fighting a "general" battle or taking a stance about something "hypothetical" only to realise later that it was totally connected to my own feelings about something! It did turn out to be based around fear of failure and fear of taking a risk, even though I never felt fearful as such, I just had these strong opinions that didn't have enough of a basis to be as strong as they were, if you get me, so eventually, from going to therapy, I started to see that I was actually holding myself back in certain areas simply because of fear of failure, but I had never come to that realisation up til then!
So that's just a long-winded way of me saying that if you find yourself going against the arguments to not have kids, then yes, I agree with you that you probably do want to have a child yourself but it's just not that easy to be convinced of it because you're not in the "perfect" situation to go ahead and do it.

My husband's daughter was conceived from a 1-night-stand and while I can't say that I know first-hand what it was like for that girl to be a single mother, I think I've had an interesting, different perspective about what life was/is like for everyone involved. I am so close to the situation but only emotionally invested in one person, so I feel like I can see things very rationally and it's pretty sad to be honest, for all 3 people. My husband is very soft and thought having a child was going to be the best thing that ever happened to him, but unfortunately the mother of his child seemed to expect that because she was pregnant, he was going to have a relationship with her, and never seems to have forgiven him for not wanting her. It seems to me that she's jealous of the fact that he loves his daughter but not her. Immaturity plays a huge part in it all because she was quite young and I do feel very sorry for her, getting pregnant unexpectedly like that at a young age, but it's 11 years down the line now and there's just been so much crap that it's exhausting. I strongly feel that the child's mother would be like myself, that she wouldn't necessarily have chosen motherhood - she certainly does not come across as being very maternal to my step-daughter, instead treating her like an annoying little sister one day and then like a princess the next.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticising her unnecessarily, I think she's had such a tough situation to deal with but it's still the child who's being affected the most by it all. The most innocent party in the whole scenario. And don't get me wrong, my husband is far from the best father, he doesn't physically see his daughter that much anymore compared to the first 6 or 7 years, and his daughter meanwhile is like an old head on young shoulders, which I think is due to feeling responsible for her mother (who has been single all her life) and feeling like she's a hassle to her father.
It's so sad and it makes me angry TBH, I think it probably has cemented my idea that unless you're willing to be absolutely 100% committed and devoted to children, you should not have them.

Of course I know that there are thousands of totally happy single-parent families out there, I'm really just telling my story from how I see what can happen.

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 5:34pm

Ah well I happen to have a very positive view of single parent families myself as I was raised by a single mother

Never missed having a father and despite us being short on money, I never felt I wanted for anything. It's hard to say if the situation is slightly different when using donor sperm, as I would be doing. Certainly you do have to think about how you're going to explain it to the child, though there are very active support groups and resources to help with that when the time comes.

I suppose I feel that the benefit of having a partner is a safety net of sorts and hopefully someone to share the enormous responsibility. Though from experience I know you certainly can't rely on that!

This might sound silly but I think one of the reasons for me wanting to have a child is so that someone else can experience what a wonderful mother I had, as she would be helping me in the early years of my own child's life. So it's not so much about me thinking of my own legacy but more wanting to share my mother with someone, if that makes any kind of sense at all. I also think having a child would bring me closer to my family. I have nine brothers and a sister but wouldn't say I have a close relationship with any of them, for various reasons but mostly because we're just very different people and I am also such an antisocial introvert. As a mother you're forced to build a network and interact more, for the benefit of both yourself and your child. So I guess I think having a child might make me a bit more connected to the world in general, as otherwise I can definitely envisage me living a hermit-like existence which one day might well lose its charm.

Ultimately a decision like this is honestly based on what each person believes will make them happy. As I said, it's a selfish decision either way and there is no shame in that, it's hardly unreasonable to think of our own happiness. The only issue would be if you decide to have a child and then fail to give them the love and care they deserve, simply because you realise you made the wrong decision. So while you may make the decision based on your own happiness, in the event that you do decide to have a child, your happiness can no longer be your top priority once they're born. So I guess that's worth bearing in mind too!

coffeyt · 22-11-2018 5:35pm

Felt the needs to post as so many of the previous posts remind me of myself a few years ago. I had always been adamant I didn't want children, I liked them but just couldn't see me ever wanting any of my own. My friends who had them always said I was great with kids and would make a great mum but I felt I liked my life and was in a way too selfish to have children.
Luckily my husband already had a child from a previous relationship so even though he said he would have loved more with me he accepted my decision.

Roll on to me hitting 34 and like many of you those thoughts of oh its d day essentially. I realised that if I did want children I needed to seriously start thinking about it as time wasn't on my side. I still felt no urges to have any but I will admit i started to consider the 'will I regret it if I don't argument'

I discussed it with my husband and a close friend (mother of 3). One thing she said that stuck with me although very cliched was she knew people who regretted not having kids but knew no one who did regret having them.

I decided to shelve the idea for 6 months and revisit it at that stage and see how I felt. Essentially I still had no urge but at the same time when I pictured me with a child, it did give me a warm feeling if you like and the idea of having one didn't scare me senseless (as it would have a year earlier)

After the 6 months I decided to come off the pill for 12 months and let fate decide (I swear normally I am a very logical person) and if nothing happened I would go back on pill and basically it wasn't meant to be kind of thing.

The moral of the long winded story is its now 5 yrs later and I have a just turned 4 yr old boy and a soon to be 3 yr old girl and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Yes it was tough changing our lives so much when they came along but the feeling of love when I look at them and the joy I get from seeing them learn about the world and the amazement they have for just about everything is unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

At the end of the day it is a very difficult and scary decision to make whether to have children or not and each person should make that decision for themselves alone but sometimes I think life is so short that a leap of faith can be a good thing.
Best of luck with your decisions.

Gaeilgeoir · 22-11-2018 5:49pm

coffeyt wrote: »

Felt the needs to post as so many of the previous posts remind me of myself a few years ago. I had always been adamant I didn't want children, I liked them but just couldn't see me ever wanting any of my own. My friends who had them always said I was great with kids and would make a great mum but I felt I liked my life and was in a way too selfish to have children.
Luckily my husband already had a child from a previous relationship so even though he said he would have loved more with me he accepted my decision.

Roll on to me hitting 34 and like many of you those thoughts of oh its d day essentially. I realised that if I did want children I needed to seriously start thinking about it as time wasn't on my side. I still felt no urges to have any but I will admit i started to consider the 'will I regret it if I don't argument'

I discussed it with my husband and a close friend (mother of 3). One thing she said that stuck with me although very cliched was she knew people who regretted not having kids but knew no one who did regret having them.

I decided to shelve the idea for 6 months and revisit it at that stage and see how I felt. Essentially I still had no urge but at the same time when I pictured me with a child, it did give me a warm feeling if you like and the idea of having one didn't scare me senseless (as it would have a year earlier)

After the 6 months I decided to come off the pill for 12 months and let fate decide (I swear normally I am a very logical person) and if nothing happened I would go back on pill and basically it wasn't meant to be kind of thing.

The moral of the long winded story is its now 5 yrs later and I have a just turned 4 yr old boy and a soon to be 3 yr old girl and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Yes it was tough changing our lives so much when they came along but the feeling of love when I look at them and the joy I get from seeing them learn about the world and the amazement they have for just about everything is unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

At the end of the day it is a very difficult and scary decision to make whether to have children or not and each person should make that decision for themselves alone but sometimes I think life is so short that a leap of faith can be a good thing.
Best of luck with your decisions.

Thanks for sharing your experience

Funny thing is, as I started reading your post, all I was thinking was 'I hope she's not going to say that she decided not to have kids'! Similar to my reaction to the books I've been reading, basically I seem to want someone to talk me into it rather than out of it. It can't be too much of a stretch to say that this must be some indication of what I truly want right?

It's never a logical decision, that's the thing. I guess that's what I find so difficult about it. Sure if everyone really thought about what's involved in having a child then nobody would bloody do it :P Hence overthinkers and planners like me really have to battle hard to ignore the loud voices in our heads telling us we must be nuts to even consider giving up our comfortable lives. I mean it is insane really, why would we choose to give up pretty much all our free time, most of our disposable income, our freedom to travel at will and just generally the joy of being able to do whatever the hell we like?

And yet.....

coffeyt · 22-11-2018 5:55pm

I really feel like I'm talking to myself from 5 yrs ago, I had all those very same thought albeit with a partner to share the workload.

It was the 'And yet' that got me too ðŸ˜€

When I really pictured myself with a child of my own I found myself smiling and that was I think what finally made my decision, when I was honest with myself I genuinely could see myself with a child of my own whereas I could never have pictured that before.

P.s. i am also an overthinker and my friend I discussed it with even said to me that I always think a bit too much and this was a decision that thinking wouldn't solve, only feeling would. And she was right.

Triceratops Ballet · 22-11-2018 6:18pm

coffeyt wrote: »

One thing she said that stuck with me although very cliched was she knew people who regretted not having kids but knew no one who did regret having them.

The thing that bothers me about that way of thinking is that biology takes over when you have kids, very few people will be able to have the perspective after having kids to measure their own regret or absence of if accurately. They love their kids unconditionally so it's hard for them to objectively look at the situation in terms of regrets. They wouldn't not have their kids for anything. Also considering the social stigma that can exist around saying you don't want kids imagine the reaction you'd get if you said you regret having kids!

I'm as sure as I can be that I don't want kids, I know that that could change too, when I picture my future I can picture me with a bump, and with a little girl all that cute stuff, I know I'd be good at being a mom, and I know if I was in that situation I'd adapt and probably ultimately be happy with my life and the unconditional love would easily replace all the other things I could have had/done, but I can also picture myself solo or with a partner travelling the world, having a different kind of adventure. I do find it hard to picture taking a pregnancy test and being hopeful or excited at the prospect of it being yes though.

I think in both scenarios I'd ultimately be happy, but for me the idea of having a kid feels more like "I could do it if I had to and I'd make the best of it" more than "oh my god this is all I want" if that makes sense?
I think if I was born earlier in a time where get married, buy house, have kids was pretty much the only choice on the table then I'd have been grand, I'd have done it and not thought about it and been happy, but with other options on the table I don't know if it makes sense for me.

coffeyt · 22-11-2018 7:41pm

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I think in both scenarios I'd ultimately be happy, but for me the idea of having a kid feels more like "I could do it if I had to and I'd make the best of it" more than "oh my god this is all I want" if that makes sense?
I think if I was born earlier in a time where get married, buy house, have kids was pretty much the only choice on the table then I'd have been grand, I'd have done it and not thought about it and been happy, but with other options on the table I don't know if it makes sense for me.

I understand what you are saying and I do believe once you have a child it would be very unusual to genuinely regret it because of course they are a part of you and you feel so much love for them.
However I do think that you can say the same for anything you do in life, mostly people looking back on life say they regret the things they didn't do because of course you can never truly understand something until you experience it yourself so it is very difficult to know for definite how you would feel if you don't do it. Hope all that makes sense!!!

I'm not trying to say that 'oh you don't have kids you wouldn't understand' cos that attitude drives me mad I just mean it's so hard to know if its right for you until you try and then of course it's too late to change your mind.

I can honestly say i never once thought that having kids was 'all I want', far from it I like you could easily have envisioned myself living very happily without them. Even now since I've had them I know I would have enjoyed my life either way and that is why it is so difficult when you are unsure.

As I said for me it was a real case of just taking that chance but again I guess you can say that's what life is taking chances, be that having children or not, either option you take a chance and hope that it will work out for the best.

To be honest I don't envy anyone that decision it was the toughest I made as I was afraid that whatever decision I made I would look back and regret it (and that includes choosing to have them).

I for example have a family member who tried for years to have a child and eventually after 18 years she did only for her marriage to end 2 years later. They were so used to being just them that adding a child to the mix totally changed the dynamic and the marriage didn't survive. So even though I'm sure she doesn't regret having that child there must be a part of her that wonders would her marriage still be intact if she didn't.

I also have an aunt who married late in life to a divorcee who had children already and they were unable to have any of their own and even though she has lived a very full life travelling and has a large extended family I know she regrets never having children of her own.

I'm just glad that my decision is made and personally it has worked out but of course it may not have and I completely understand anyone who chooses not to have children as it is hard work and is not something that everyone wants or needs.

Gaeilgeoir · 23-11-2018 10:04am

Triceratops Ballet wrote: »

I do find it hard to picture taking a pregnancy test and being hopeful or excited at the prospect of it being yes though.

I think in both scenarios I'd ultimately be happy, but for me the idea of having a kid feels more like "I could do it if I had to and I'd make the best of it" more than "oh my god this is all I want" if that makes sense?

I'm somewhere in the middle I think. I definitely don't have a burning need for children, just an instinct that it's the right decision for me, not even a very strong instinct! I was telling myself yesterday that surely you can't miss what you never had and that even if I had some regrets at remaining childless, I'd get over it wouldn't I? It seems I have thus far failed to convince myself of that though, easy as it should be to choose a life of glorious freedom

Oh and I definitely don't think excitement will be my reaction if I manage to get pregnant. Despite the fact that I will have to spend thousands of euro to do so and presumably will have decided that it's what I want. My reaction will still be utter terror and I suspect that feeling would continue throughout pregnancy all the way up to the time the child pops (optimistic verb to choose, I know) out!

Faith · 23-11-2018 10:31am

For me, I can’t fathom how much my life would have to change with a child, never mind a child with special needs. And although it might be rare*, I deeply fear that I would regret having a child, if I were to. Also, my husband is my world. The thought that having a child could damage our relationship (as it seems to do to so many) is a risk I just couldn’t take when I feel this way.

I’m 99% certain I don’t want children, but there’s always that sliver of doubt - and that comes from an entirely intellectual place and not an emotional one! I feel NO emotional or biological desire for a child at all, and never have. I only doubt that decision when I try to think logically and intellectually, not emotionally.

*There is a lot of emerging literature on this, and actually I doubt it’s as rare as we think it is to regret having children. There’s an interesting (and heartbreaking) episode of the podcast Dear Sugars about it.

Gaeilgeoir · 23-11-2018 10:35am

I absolutely think it's possible I could regret having a child and I am unspeakably terrified at the thought of finding myself with a child with special needs. So much so that it is the one fear that may yet deter me.

I don't need to worry about it harming any relationship though, as I have never been in one and am still a virgin

So that's a plus haha

DoozerT6 · 24-11-2018 12:18am

Gaeilgeoir wrote: »

I absolutely think it's possible I could regret having a child and I am unspeakably terrified at the thought of finding myself with a child with special needs. So much so that it is the one fear that may yet deter me.

I don't need to worry about it harming any relationship though, as I have never been in one and am still a virgin So that's a plus haha

I would be in a similar enough situation to you: while not a virgin, I have never been in a relationship and I am approaching my mid-40's. I often think that my ambivalence in this matter (babies) is due in no small part to never forming a romantic bond with somebody. Neither you nor I know what it's like to love or be loved. I wonder if we had experienced these feelings, would we have more definite thoughts one way or the other? Either "yes I want to have this man's babies", or "nope, I love him but not interested in kids. Just the two of us is fine" (as long as he is in agreement, obvs).

There are women who are sure from a young age that it's not what they want, and that's fine. Then there are others, like us, who are on the fence about the subject, but never got the chance to even consider it seriously, because we had nobody to consider it with. (assuming we don't want to go the 'single' routes).

I dunno. The point is moot for me now at my age, but I'm beginning to think that if I'd married, or even ever been in a stable relationship, that maybe I would have had a kid or two, all going well. I do have a definite regret (for some reason) that I'll never experience pregnancy.

Ambivalent about babies

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