Mean

Sallysad · 10-05-2021 10:08pm #1

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He is from another country and he is living in my family home with me and my parents. For the first 3 years, I paid for everything he needed and was always generous to him even though my job was minimum wage. He never wanted for anything. He was studying at the time. I am just taken aback and a bit upset as he got himself a job recently and he is very stingy. He earns twice what I earn yet he still expects me to pay for everything. I asked him to pay half towards a present for our friends wedding and his reply was “stop always going after my money”. He also said to me that he would never support me if I wasn’t working for any reason and I’d have to find a job. Obviously I wouldn’t rely on him financially but his comment worried me if I ever found myself unemployed. I guess I just never saw this side to him and it’s bothering me

Loveinapril · 10-05-2021 10:16pm

It certainly doesn't sound like he recognises all you have done for him in the past. Is he splitting the cost of your rent contribution/ bills etc.? If not, then he should use his wage to find somewhere else to live!

Jequ0n · 10-05-2021 10:30pm

All I can say is at least he is honest about his intentions/ priorities.

He hasn’t done anything wrong if you’ve been handing it out on a silver plate, so you might want to park the past and focus on the now.
If you aren’t happy then think about what what you want because you cannot change others.

Xterminator · 10-05-2021 10:48pm

Op. do yourself a favour and listen to what he told you.

while working a min wage job, you looked after him, without any thought for yourself while he was a sudent.
He told you to your face he will not do the same for you.

now you know what he is like - its your decision. At least you found out early.

leggo · 10-05-2021 10:51pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

All I can say is at least he is honest about his intentions/ priorities.

He hasn’t done anything wrong if you’ve been handing it out on a silver plate, so you might want to park the past and focus on the now.
If you aren’t happy then think about what what you want because you cannot change others.

Mad takeaway from this tbh.

OP your boyfriend is a stinge. This is a personality defect and one that people who have it are completely blind to. They are stubborn and will argue the point to death...because doing so means they’re stifling the point and STILL not just paying their way. In my experience, it’s not something you’re going to change because this is bred into people from a young age, usually to do with whether they were taught about ‘sharing’ or not.

You’ll get what feel like small wins at best while unknowingly committing yourself to their way of life because they’ve rationalised all of this already and are convinced anyone who feels otherwise is insane. So, for example, say you both agree to buy each other decent presents for Christmas and put a cap on it of €200 or whatever. You feel like you’ve won, but if you ever wanted to buy them or have them buy you something more, you’ll find you’ve now agreed that €200 is the ‘max’ limit for nice present and will have to go to war yet again. That kinda thing is what’s ahead of you, it’s exhausting.

If this isn’t something you can deal with, making a decision about the relationship over this is a valid decision.

MissShihTzu · 10-05-2021 10:52pm

Alarm bells would be ringing very loudly for me, here. One thing I can't stand is meanness. Another is greed. Sounds like yer man has both. YOU pay for everything, he (apparently) pays nothing, has free food and accomodation and whinges if you ask for half the money for a wedding present? He also says he would never support you if you were unemployed?? Sounds like he has a very well developed sense of entitlement and skewed views of how a partnership works. He's got more front than Southend, that one!

If I were you? Start taking a step back. Start by asking him to find his own place. Let him pay his own bills. Don't pay anything more for him. Start thinking about what YOU want. And ask yourself why you're bankrolling a leech who does nothing for you.

Peintre Celebre · 10-05-2021 10:54pm

Get rid

Tyrone212 · 10-05-2021 10:55pm

Dump him and kick him out. He's a pos. Zero gratitude or self awareness.

NiceFella · 10-05-2021 11:17pm

If you can't depend on them do not be in a relationship with them. It's that simple. It's probably the most important thing for a relationship.

That said, you sound like a young enough couple and as a younger man I have to admit I have said daft things myself. And to play devil's advocate He is probably be afraid of a situation were you could get too comfortable looking for his support. It may be an overstated worrie in his mind.

Only you know the answers to this but in my mind people who are tightly wound with their money don't really change this habit. It's something that happens quite young I'd imagine.

Personally, I find tight people off putting to say the least. I have some friends who are like this and it can make my blood boil the petty **** they try to get out of paying for. This would be a deal breaker for me if my partner was selfish with money. And it should be for everyone.

If he is like this an unapologetic about it even after discussing it. I know what I would do.

10-05-2021 11:24pm

You've been played.

Show him the door.

SouthWesterly · 10-05-2021 11:24pm

So what happens if you have kids and aren't working. Will he support his family?

Dump him.

beertons · 10-05-2021 11:30pm

Do you pay rent at home?

derb12 · 10-05-2021 11:37pm

It should bother you. If it was me I would start by telling him that the best way for me to stay away from his money would be for him to move out.
It sounds like this relationship has run its course. If you still love the guy, see how both of you feel when he is living independently and not leeching off you and your family.

coolbeans · 10-05-2021 11:49pm

I hate it when the default response to any relationship issue is move on or get rid of them. Surely (I think to myself) there's a lot of water under the bridge between people and that should give posters food for thought.

In this case though, I'd show him the door. He's happy to take with no prospect of returning the favor despite having thrived on your and your family's labour. This is not a person who'll be there for you when things get tough.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2021 12:34am

I think it would be helpful if you clarified: were you and your BF living rent and bills free with your parents?

What did you fund for him?

Does he view his earnings as ‘his money’, due to living / eating / utilities being funded by your parents - and he stupidly expected that to continue?

The DayDream · 11-05-2021 12:40am

People from other countries in Europe tend to come here for one reason: to take what they can get.

Get a new BF, send this clown back to whence he came.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2021 12:41am

Unless I’ve read your OP wrongly, he lived in your parents house from more or less the time you began seeing him. Bad idea.

You specifically say that he’s from another country - why? Do you suspect that he’s using you for a visa? Or do you suspect that he’s from a culture that doesn’t treat women well?

HGVRHKYY · 11-05-2021 12:49am

Sallysad wrote: »

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He is from another country and he is living in my family home with me and my parents. For the first 3 years, I paid for everything he needed and was always generous to him even though my job was minimum wage. He never wanted for anything. He was studying at the time. I am just taken aback and a bit upset as he got himself a job recently and he is very stingy. He earns twice what I earn yet he still expects me to pay for everything. I asked him to pay half towards a present for our friends wedding and his reply was “stop always going after my money”. He also said to me that he would never support me if I wasn’t working for any reason and I’d have to find a job. Obviously I wouldn’t rely on him financially but his comment worried me if I ever found myself unemployed. I guess I just never saw this side to him and it’s bothering me

I hope this isn't a true story because it's pissed me off entirely. Did you ask him what his thoughts are on the fact that you paid for loads of things over the past few years? Is he completely oblivious and thinks those things were free and just appeared for him?

To be honest, I would literally kick him out with zero notice, as in tell them right now to pack their **** and get the **** out of my family home with that ignorant entitlement, because no doubt they take the free/low rent accommodation your parents are sound enough to give him the opportunity to enjoy for granted. See how he copes with finding accomodation in this market being a stingey ****

>> mod snip - violence is not a solution <

FishOnABike · 11-05-2021 1:36am

It doesn't sound like much if a partnership to me.

To me it should be all about being there for eachother, being equally invested in eachother and being there for eachother through thick and thin, someone you can rely on when you need someone, someone you would do the same for.

If you take a step back and ask yourself what are you putting in to the relationship and what are you getting out of it and ask yourself what is your partner putting into it and what is he getting out of it? Are you happy with the balance as it is at the moment? Do you see yourself being happy with it for the foreseeable future?

The picture you paint would set off some alarm bells for me. It seems your partner has a "what's your's is mine and what's mine is my own" attitude. Selfishness is not a good trait to bring to any partnership.

If you're asking the question you already have some concerns or resentment about your partner's attitude. If nothing changes that is likely to grow more over time.

You've supported him for the last few years but he seems unwilling to reciprocate that support when he is in a position to help you.

After three years I think a serious discussion is needed about how you both see your future developing together, what partnership means in terms of supporting eachother and if you're not on the same page, if you have a future together.

poisonated · 11-05-2021 3:01am

He doesn’t sound particularly nice. I think you should show him the door. However, maybe there is more to the story that isn’t being said. If what you say is true and you’re not omitting important details, definitely show him the door.

Caranica · 11-05-2021 8:00am

I'd be inclined to work out what you spent on him over the past 3 years and present him with an invoice, to shock him into reality.

Also in the kick to touch camp, he's had such a cushy number over the past 3 years. Talk about taking advantage!!

shesty · 11-05-2021 8:18am

I'm going old-school here and repeating advice I was given by parents/grandparents over the years - never marry a mean man.

That might not be in your mind yet, but you've found out early now OP, so the decision lies with you. I wouldn't bother trying to change him, it's up to you to decide can you live with it.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-05-2021 8:28am

While he was studying did he have any income at all and contributed absolutely nothing? Did you have a conversation about it before he moved over?

Going a little against the grain here, but if he's just started a job and as soon as he did you started asking for contributions it probably seems a lot all at once. Maybe he said he wouldn't support you because he felt a little cornered?

That said, they're not a child staying at their granny's and he should have expected to start contributing given he's lived off you for 3 years. Added to that, you were happy to support him while he was unemployed, but he wouldn't reciprocate the gesture? I'd be annoyed and upset too and in fact if paying his way is going to be a constant issue for him, let him live somewhere else and enjoy the financial independence he wants.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-05-2021 9:41am

Mod Note

The Daydream you have been advised before that generalisations are against the Charter here. A yellow card has been applied.

HS

Neyite · 11-05-2021 10:27am

A financially mean partner is never capable of giving you the happy relationship you deserve. You are lucky he showed his hand early. I've known two women who married stingy men. Men who would drop a serious amount of money on good shoes for themselves but would buy the cheapest plastic crap for their children. One is now widowed, and really only got relief from the financial control when he died. The other is younger, and divorced him 6 years ago. He uses the children's expenses to fcuk with her every single chance he gets. He's driven her to a mental health breakdown. Her youngest is still a young teen so she's got another decade of this controlling behaviour until her kids are all graduated and working themselves.

This man is a leech. He's used you and your parents kindness and generosity to further himself. Don't let him take any more financially or emotionally from any of you.

YellowLead · 11-05-2021 11:33am

OP, unless there are parts of this that you are leaving out it makes no sense to remain on this relationship as it currently stands. You need to stand up for yourself.

I don’t understand how somebody could move into somebody else’s home, contribute zero, and then not immediately start to chip in as soon as he is working! You shouldn’t even have had to bring it up he should have offered.

I wouldn’t worry maybe about the wedding present too much as I know plenty of couples where this causes rifts - one wants to spend a fortune on a gift and the other doesn't, perhaps that’s just a different of opinion about what to buy, and are you sure they are his friends too.

Yes you shouldn’t expect him to contribute more just because he earns more, but he should be paying his way. If he refuses well then he is taking advantage and you should break up with him and get his ass out lookout for rental accommodation. He has it too easy with you.

How is everything else in the relationship? Is he caring overall?

11-05-2021 1:24pm

coolbeans wrote: »

I hate it when the default response to any relationship issue is move on or get rid of them. Surely (I think to myself) there's a lot of water under the bridge between people and that should give posters food for thought.

In this case though, I'd show him the door.

Defo. The default reaction on here can be "dump him" a little too quickly sometimes. This is not one of them times. See how much you're "after his money" when he has to fork out 1500 a month for rent in his new bachelor pad.

Sallysad · 11-05-2021 1:48pm

Op here and thanks to all posters. I read each one and thank you. I’ll address what people asked. Firstly it is easy to say leave him etc but up until this point I was extremely happy with him. This is a side I never saw because he never had a job or money in the whole time I knew him. I did plan to stay with this man and we always spoke about our plans for children etc. We are both 32.
I explained he’s from another country because that’s the reason he moved into my family home. He isn’t using me for a visa or anything. We have lived rent and bill free apart from paying for our own groceries and I contribute 100 a week just. My parents have been very kind. What shocked me is that he spoke differently. I paid for all his food and his nights out pre pandemic and cigarettes and in fact I used more of my money for him than for myself. When I met him I had some savings built up which I used to pay for his college course. At the time I was a little sad to see all my savings used but he said to me “it’s for US for OUR FUTURE” and said it would make our future better which I agree. But now he is completely the opposite and doesn’t even buy me a cup of coffee. He has been working for 6 months so it’s not like I jumped at his money straight away. I waited and when he never offered to pay anything I said something a few weeks ago. I found myself in debt and saw his bank balance and found it unfair. I don’t buy anything fancy for myself I just pay my bills for the car and food etc. But he doesn’t think to pay half of the 100 I pay. He just about pays for his own food. If I’m in the shops I’ll buy for him but when he’s in the shops he’ll moan about spending a lot less than I did. I find his stinginess a real turn off. I am attracted to him and he ticks all the other boxes. Can someone have everything going for them? Can I let this slide? I don’t know. The annoying part is that I didn’t count all I spent on him, I wish I could charge him now if he’s going to be so stingy with his money. He forgets all I did for him. I should add that he has no idea of the price of things. He moans about everything being so expensive but that’s what they cost- he still compares to his own currency from where he’s from but he gets paid a lot more than he would where he’s from so it balances out. He’s so money minded and I’m not. It’s not the money that bothers me most but the uncaring nature of it. Before 6 months ago, he had no income at all to answer a poster.

punisher5112 · 11-05-2021 1:51pm

Kick him out to the curb....

Stingy now stingy for life....

If that's ok with you stick with but you ain't going to teach an old dog new tricks.

Dial Hard · 11-05-2021 1:55pm

OP, I'm going to echo what someone else already said - being stingey to that degree is a fundamental personality defect. Those people will never change and the stinge tends to extend to other parts of their life too - in my experience people who are tight with money are just generally tight in every aspect - spirit, fun, just... life, really. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Your partner will never change. If you stay with him you are willingly signing up to a lifetime of arguments over money, having to justify every penny you spend (even if it's your own) and having to defend the most basic things like buying new shoes for any kids you may have, why an appliance needs to be replaced rather than repaired yet again, etc.

You need to have a very long, hard think about a) whether you're prepared to resign yourself to this and b) if you are, why?

punisher5112 · 11-05-2021 1:59pm

What have your parents said, I'm surprised they haven't mentioned it, have you discussed it with them op?

You are way too nice op, you won't change him

Mean

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