The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

carlybabe1 · 07-09-2011 11:59am

Galway K9 wrote: »

Why did the knacker get sick on the Bus?

He was a bad traveller!

Mark! wrote: »

What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker

CarrickMcJoe wrote: »

What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?
A SEATBELT

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

--Kaiser-- · 07-09-2011 12:01pm

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

Highlight the text and all will be revealed

Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

AnonoBoy · 07-09-2011 12:02pm

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

You have to highlight the spoiler tag to read the text underneath.

In the case of these jokes, I wouldn't bother.

Big Nasty · 07-09-2011 12:04pm

carlybabe1 wrote: »

:o:o emmmmmm, can someone clue me in on the spoiler thingy?? Dont get it at all

That's the joke! : D

carlybabe1 · 07-09-2011 1:54pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Highlight the text and all will be revealed
Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

ahhhh, thank you

Cypher_sounds · 07-09-2011 3:02pm

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

admiralofthefleet · 07-09-2011 3:32pm

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

Fratton Fred · 07-09-2011 3:34pm

Did you hear about the bed bugs that fell in love?

They got married in the spring..

pappyodaniel · 07-09-2011 3:52pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

This joke won the top prize at the recent Edinburgh Fringe festival

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"

Seriously? :eek:

frag420 · 07-09-2011 5:15pm

carlybabe1 wrote: »

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Highlight the text and all will be revealed
Unless you're on a mobile, in which case you're screwed!

ahhhh, thank you

If your on a phone just tap the highlighted part and it appears......

Snakeblood · 07-09-2011 5:18pm

The queen is going to visit soldiers back from the Crimea. She meets her first soldiier 'Ah my good man, what happened to you?'

'Acute piles ma'am'.

'Oh my, how tragic. And what is the treatmet for that?'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush, milady'

'Splendid, splendid, and what is your dearest wish?'

'To regain my heath and once more serve queen and country'

She moves to another soldier.

'And what happened to you, my good man'

'Syphilis, milady'

'Oh my, and what is the treatment for that?'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush'

'Good heavens. And what is your dearest wish'

'To once more serve my queen and country'

She meets a third soldier.

'And what ails you my good fellow'

'Laryngitis, milady'

'And what is the treatment for that'

'A brisk scrub with a wire brush, milady'

'Heavens, and what is your dearest wish?'

'To get the brush before those other two bastards'.

u_c_thesecond · 07-09-2011 9:21pm

why didnt the chicken cross the road?

he was langers

tsoparno · 07-09-2011 9:53pm

pappyodaniel wrote: »

Seriously? :eek:

i think it was one of those, ya had to be there one's:)

cruiser178 · 07-09-2011 9:57pm

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

Thought this was a good joke, so I put it on my facebook status, now everyone is congratulating me and telling me what an achievement it is...WTF :eek::eek:

dilallio · 07-09-2011 10:56pm

London's first attempt at a sperm donation clinic failed miserably.

The first donor missed the tube, while the second one came on the bus ...

gernon · 07-09-2011 11:06pm

Murph walks into a pub with his pet monkey.

He orders a pint and while he's drinking, the monkey starts wandering around the bar.

He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced lemons and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The barman screams at Murph, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

Murph says "No, what?"

The barman screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!"

"Ah ****," replied Murph, "the stupid bollix eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a pint and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While Murph is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a €1 coin on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Murph.

"Well, he stuck a €1 coin and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the barman.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Murph.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Princess Bride · 07-09-2011 11:14pm

A very rich old man is on his deathbed & he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns.
The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "I got $10 for my duck!" His father says, "that is very good let's see how your other brothers do."
The second brother comes home and he says, "I got $15 for my duck." The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."
While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he went into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen , so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a ****." She replied, "Ok."
It was so good,the girl said "I'll give you back your duck for another ****." He agreed and while they were ****ing the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck. The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay $30 for the duck.
When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a **** for a duck ,a duck for a **** & $15 for a ****ed up duck."

TheUsual · 07-09-2011 11:16pm

What food has been scientifically proven to reduce a woman's sex drive by 90% ?

Wedding cake.

Why does a bride smile when she is walking down the aisle at her wedding ?

Because she knows that was the last blowjob she ever had to give.

policarp · 08-09-2011 1:40am

msthe80s wrote: »

will be given everything the old man owns.
The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay $30 for the duck.
I got a **** for a duck ,a duck for a **** & $15 for a ****ed up duck."

Why did he lie about the $15 ?

ciarang85 · 08-09-2011 11:02am

What do a priest and a pint of guinness have in common?

A bad one will tear the @rse of ya

Did u hear about the irish exorcism?

They had to ring the devil to get the priest outa the child

Savage Tyrant · 08-09-2011 11:05am

ciarang85 wrote: »

What do a priest and a pint of guinness have in common?

A bad one will tear the @rse of ya

The answer is both have a black coat, a White collar... And god help your arse if you get a bad one.

smash · 08-09-2011 11:22am

A midget walks into a bar...

--Kaiser-- · 08-09-2011 12:13pm

smash wrote: »

A midget walks into a bar...

Two bats walk into a bar......you'd think one of them would've heard it

BOHtox · 08-09-2011 1:02pm

I've written a book on how to deal with rejection...Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my family and friends and then jump in front of a train.

Aglomerado · 08-09-2011 1:38pm

cruiser178 wrote: »

Thought this was a good joke, so I put it on my facebook status, now everyone is congratulating me and telling me what an achievement it is...WTF :eek::eek:

Jeezus....

Pandora2 · 08-09-2011 2:47pm

Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh"

Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said John, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery!

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," John replied.

She ran out of the room.

pappyodaniel · 08-09-2011 2:52pm

Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs?

At Jasons Donervan

RomanGod · 08-09-2011 3:00pm

How does a Jew make his beer?

Hebrews it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X_Ot0k4XJc

Immaculate Pasta · 08-09-2011 3:27pm

What did the inflatable headmaster of the inflatable school say to the inflatable pupil?

You've not only let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down.

carfiosaoorl · 08-09-2011 5:45pm

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonky

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments