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13-02-2020, 15:02   #151
I'm married and having an affair, AMA
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Do you feel like you're betraying your GF when you sleep with your wife? Would that explain the reduction in engagement you have with her? Do you think feel more loyalty towards one over the other?

That's a good question. I have felt difficulty being with my wife, I've struggled to focus on her and not feel like I'm undermining things with my GF. I know that sounds rather ridiculous the situation. We have talked about, she generally accepts how it is, but I don't know that she is giving her full feelings on the matter. I have felt more of a connection for her over my wife, and I would say that has lead to a decrease in interest and attraction towards my wife. Going through the motions at times.


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You are due to travel for work soon for some months. Are you planning more encounters during that time away? Or will you limit further extramarital liaisons to your GF?

I talked to my GF about trying to meet up with her at somepoint. Money and work would make that difficult, but I would hope that I can see her again. I don't have any plans to see someone else but there are women there who I've met in the past that would like to see me.


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Is your wife anxious about your up and coming work travel given what you might be planning and finally, do you think a polyamorous relationship would best suit your needs?

S

She would be anxious, things tend to get more fractious between us before I'm due to leave. We haven't really talked about where things stand between us, and how she views me leaving again. I would be in favor of a poly relationship, certainly over the current situation. They are very involved from what I've read, take a huge amount of work and communication. I joke sometime, my goal is a family compound somewhere, with enough room for everyone to have their own space. Silly, for sure.
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13-02-2020, 16:49   #152
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I talked to my GF about trying to meet up with her at somepoint. Money and work would make that difficult, but I would hope that I can see her again.


Silly, for sure.
Sounds a wee bit passive about someone you love so much. Or maybe you are resigned?

More utopia than silly, for some..


S
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13-02-2020, 18:46   #153
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Sounds a wee bit passive about someone you love so much. Or maybe you are resigned?

More utopia than silly, for some..


S
I'd be really excited to see her, some of the best moments of my life have been with her. I suppose it's more the difficulty in making it happen that would happen things.

I miss her constantly, my life is far duller without her, and me along with it. I'm not exactly looking to returning to where I work in Europe with her no longer being there too. It's gonna be a challenge, like walking with a ghost.
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13-02-2020, 22:14   #154
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She has told her friends, I got a message from one of them on FB about it.
Do her friends that know treat you any differently to how they did before? Is it awkward going to social events with them?
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13-02-2020, 22:39   #155
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Do her friends that know treat you any differently to how they did before? Is it awkward going to social events with them?
It has been awkward at times. One of her friends sent a pretty pointed message on FB to both myself and the GF. Her other friends really haven't engaged with me much, at least insofar as bringing it up. I know they questioned her decision to meet up with some of the other men she slept with.
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14-02-2020, 09:57   #156
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Have you and your wife ever considered couples councilling? It seems neither of you want to leave the marriage but neither of you are happy. I can't imagine the mental health impacts of that on both you, your wife and your children - children pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. Do you feel that there is resentment building on both your side and your wife's that neither of you are willing to pull the plug?
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14-02-2020, 11:28   #157
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Have you and your wife ever considered couples councilling? It seems neither of you want to leave the marriage but neither of you are happy. I can't imagine the mental health impacts of that on both you, your wife and your children - children pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. Do you feel that there is resentment building on both your side and your wife's that neither of you are willing to pull the plug?

She actually has seen the same counselor I see, on a number of occasions. It helped somewhat, but I suppose there's a limit to what talking can achieve by itself. The counselor suggested feeling out an open arrangement with her, but it's not something that she wants.



There has been more tension between us of late, and I worry about us become resentful and spiteful towards each other. I've noticed in myself at times, that's not a good feeling or one that I want to foster. I'm trying to engage better with her, give her more attention and affection. I do think that she could come to feel trapped and start to hate me for that in the long term.

Last edited by I'm married and having an affair, AMA; 14-02-2020 at 11:55.
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14-02-2020, 12:13   #158
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A lot of your responses seem to be really unemotional and detached to me.



I do understand that you might be reluctant to leave because of the kids, but do you not think you really made that decision when you started out on this personal adventure?
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14-02-2020, 12:28   #159
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I was looking at various sites and talking to people, without ever talking to her first. I never put pressure on her to try anything, beyond bringing it up.
So she felt like the last person you wanted to try things with, as you didn't physically have access to your online contacts from the sites, she was just a body to try things on, not try things with. No wonder she wasn't enthusiastic.
Some men make their wives feel like the only girl in the world, you seem to have done the opposite to your wife.
Youre very, very like an ex of mine who fouled his own marriage, then wrecked our relationship just as it was turning into something nice.
He turned highly sexual women off sex and then claimed their initial sexiness was 'put on' to trap him.

It's sad and sickening your wife was so wasted on and by you.
Of course you know that,.

I think trying to give your wife affection now is just sending mixed messages. I doubt she can relax and enjoy it, it must seem incredibly false and temporary.
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14-02-2020, 12:31   #160
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Did you think the affair would help your self esteem? Has it?

You say you volunteered because its something you cant talk about elsewhere. Does that mean the situation is a burden?

Do you feel you're stuck in limbo?
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14-02-2020, 13:33   #161
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A lot of your responses seem to be really unemotional and detached to me.



I do understand that you might be reluctant to leave because of the kids, but do you not think you really made that decision when you started out on this personal adventure?
I don't mean to come across as being unemotional. I find it a very conflicting situation. I've been with my wife for 15 years. There's a lot of happy memories we've created together. We both love and like each other. I'm not quick to forget that, or just disregard it. When I started seeing my gf, I realised I was feeling and connecting with her in a way that I hadn't ever done with my wife. She was giving me emotional satisfaction that I didn't know I was missing. The idea that the woman you're with isn't the best match for you is hard one to deal with or overcome. How do you square that?

I think I'm the person my wants, I'm her best match. She certainly loves me, inspite of everything. I don't know how much of that is because of need, or desire.
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14-02-2020, 13:36   #162
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I don't mean to come across as being unemotional. I find it a very conflicting situation. I've been with my wife for 15 years. There's a lot of happy memories we've created together. We both love and like each other. I'm not quick to forget that, or just disregard it. When I started seeing my gf, I realised I was feeling and connecting with her in a way that I hadn't ever done with my wife. She was giving me emotional satisfaction that I didn't know I was missing. The idea that the woman you're with isn't the best match for you is hard one to deal with or overcome. How do you square that?

I think I'm the person my wants, I'm her best match. She certainly loves me, inspite of everything. I don't know how much of that is because of need, or desire.
There's a word missing from this which is pretty significant and which could be either of the two options. wife or gf.
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14-02-2020, 13:41   #163
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So she felt like the last person you wanted to try things with, as you didn't physically have access to your online contacts from the sites, she was just a body to try things on, not try things with. No wonder she wasn't enthusiastic.
Some men make their wives feel like the only girl in the world, you seem to have done the opposite to your wife.
Youre very, very like an ex of mine who fouled his own marriage, then wrecked our relationship just as it was turning into something nice.
He turned highly sexual women off sex and then claimed their initial sexiness was 'put on' to trap him.

It's sad and sickening your wife was so wasted on and by you.
Of course you know that,.

I think trying to give your wife affection now is just sending mixed messages. I doubt she can relax and enjoy it, it must seem incredibly false and temporary.
You might be correct. I don't fell like I objectified her. I wanted her to share her desires with me. I enjoy being a giver, helping to make them happen. I definitely went about things in the wrong fashion, I was secretive instead of sharing.
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14-02-2020, 13:43   #164
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There's a word missing from this which is pretty significant and which could be either of the two options. wife or gf.
Sorry, that should have read for my wife.
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14-02-2020, 13:52   #165
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Did you think the affair would help your self esteem? Has it?

You say you volunteered because its something you cant talk about elsewhere. Does that mean the situation is a burden?

Do you feel you're stuck in limbo?
I wasn't thinking about self esteem or anything really beyond sex at the time. It certainly hasn't done much for it subsequently, but I have been really happy when I was with my GF.

The situation does feel rather untenable, there's no good options, that don't end up with everyone unhappy or hurt. It weighs on me a lot and I imagine much moreso on my wife .
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