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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

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    #4052
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for but no one can give me a straight answer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #4053
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother...at least it was, until my mother hid the urn.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #4054
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,703 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    To the person who invented infinity:


    "Thanks for everything."


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    #4055
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just been attacked by a ginger kid doing martial arts....turns out he was the Carroty kid.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #4056
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,703 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    Serial jokes must be told bit by bit.


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    #4057
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"


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    #4058
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    trashcan wrote: »
    Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"
    Was pish comment !


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    #4059
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The inventor of velcro died today..... RIP

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4060
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just won gold at the national weather forecasting championships....I beat the raining champ.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4061
    coconnell44
    Registered Users Posts: 26 ✭coconnell44


    The absolute state of your room. It looks like a quiet 'scene in Reeling in the Years'.
    Heard today in my house hahaha


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    #4062
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,218 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    If you want to register a company name.


    Your options are Ltd
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • Options
    #4063
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.
    And those waiting for a ternary punchline.


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    #4064
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and says “is that a cake or a meringue?”.

    The chap says “no, you’re right. It’s a cake”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4065
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Gravestones are a thing of the passed.


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    #4066
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    I've heard they're making a new Welsh action hero movie with Bruce Willis.


    Dai Hard.


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    #4067
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.
    There are 10 groups of people in the world.
    Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.


  • Options
    #4068
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?.... About 5 minutes.


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    #4069
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why do giraffes have long necks? Because they have stinky feet! I


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    #4070
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    She was only the welder's daughter but she had acetylene legs


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    #4071
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Maggie Thatcher was only a grocer's daughter but she showed Sir Geoffrey Howe.


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    #4072
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why were George Michael's trousers covered in chocolate?

    Because he was careless with his Wispa.


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    #4073
    sheroman01
    Registered Users Posts: 4,650 ✭✭✭sheroman01


    Dad, I know you're looking down on me somewhere.

    He's not dead, he's just a roofer.


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    #4074
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I stayed up all night trying to remember, the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4075
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday....I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4076
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4077
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

    -Demetri Martin.:)

    I think it would be cool if we could give credit to the comedians who come up with the jokes if known. It might help introduce people to some good stand-ups. Demetri Martin is very funny.


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    #4078
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.

    And even that I take with a pinch of salt.


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    #4079
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Here’s a joke for all you psychics out there...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4080
    geminiman63
    Registered Users Posts: 123 ✭✭geminiman63


    I played on a terrible football pitch the other day, there were broken bricks poking up and all sorts.

    We won 3-2 on aggregate :pac:


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  • Options
    #4081
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Until you've tired archery blindfolded you don't know what you're missing.


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