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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #3542
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,702 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

    For Hispanic attacks


  • #3543
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    2 guys walk into a bar, the third one seen it and ducked

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3544
    Remouad
    Registered Users Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Remouad


    Jesus walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Close the door, were you born in a barn?"


  • #3545
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,702 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
    It's a complex complex complex.

    Where did Noah keep his bees?
    In the Ark hives.


  • #3546
    Iscreamkone
    Registered Users Posts: 706 ✭✭✭Iscreamkone


    Epidurals are for pussys.


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  • #3547
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Whey why are atoms hard to trust?

    They make up everything.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3548
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,702 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row.

    They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins


  • #3549
    kildare lad
    Registered Users Posts: 2,010 ✭✭✭kildare lad


    Son asks : dad do you know what a solar eclipse is ??
    Dad replies ... No son


  • #3550
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

    The taste.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3551
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?


    Anyone can roast beef ………………...
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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  • #3552
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”


    She told me..... “The men I please are none of your business!”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3553
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,217 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    "Stop Arguing " by Xavier Breath. best selling book.
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3554
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    My neighbour called their daughter 'treedegree'.

    She's a cute little angle alright.


  • #3555
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Every autumn, I dread walking under horse chestnut trees.

    This year, I've had some therapy and have managed to conker it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3556
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Particle Physics gives me a Hadron.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3557
    AngryHippie
    Registered Users Posts: 2,625 ✭✭✭AngryHippie


    what do you call 300 white men running after a black man.....

    A marathon


  • #3558
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    AngryHippie wrote: »
    what do you call 300 white men running after a black man.....

    A marathon

    There used be a golf joke like that when Woods was in his pomp,
    white guys in strange outfits chasing one black guy around Georgia.


  • #3559
    Remouad
    Registered Users Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Remouad


    What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

    A complete laughing stock....


  • #3560
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    ^^^ reminded me of this :)


    Broken arms: Painful, but Humerus.


    __________________________________________________________________


    Congratulations to all who have contributed to this thread and a special thanks to the originator of it......our Lord and Master Lord Hagar (the bleedin deadly)

    Over 1 Million views :D

    NastyWavyKawala-small.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3561
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A Man City fan just told me he is thinking of going on holiday as it’s cheaper now that the kids have returned to school.

    I said you can’t beat the Canaries at this time of year


    __________________________

    later on,

    There was a break in at Norwich City's trophy room and the entire contents were stolen

    Police are looking for two men carrying a green and yellow carpet

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3562
    Wtf ?
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 343 ✭✭Wtf ?


    What do you call a chocolate bar falling off the stage during a Wham Concert ?
    A Careless Wispa.
    I'll get my coat........


  • #3563
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apparently, the Queen has reconciled her differences with Camilla Parker Bowles.

    She has even offered Camilla an all expenses paid trip to Paris with a car and chauffeur.









    getmecoat.gif

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3564
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Went on a pleasure trip last weekend.






    Drove my mother-in-law to the airport.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3565
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Had a really bad dream last night that the Ocean was made from Orange Soda... Woke up and realised it was just a Fanta Sea.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3566
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,702 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    Spongebob may be the main character

    But Patrick is the star


  • #3567
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two monkeys in a bath.

    One says "Ohh ooooh aaaaaah ooooh oooohh ooohh aaaah"

    The other says "Well if its too hot mate, put some cold in".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3568
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Have you seen this new movie "Constipation" ?

    No ? , didn't think so, it hasn't come out yet.


  • #3569
    jharr100
    Registered Users Posts: 1,151 ✭✭✭jharr100


    Have you seen that new movie "tractor"?

    No? The trailer was very good.


  • #3570
    ShauntaMetzel
    Registered Users Posts: 238 ✭✭ShauntaMetzel


    I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am Okay :D


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  • #3571
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years...


    I just can’t part with it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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