What’s wrong

Upforthematch · 04-02-2020 12:42am

achmairt wrote: »

Men are like dogs - if you have them on a lead they try and get away but when you take the lead off they will follow you !!!

Men are not like dogs. They are like people, all different. Generalisations and game playing is a complete turnoff to someone like me anyway.

Show confidence and have pride in yourself - I promise you it works.

Now this is good advice.

Extrahotmocha · 03-04-2020 3:14pm

Hi all

This thread popped into my head today, and I just wanted to check in a make sure everyone was doing ok. I know it’s not exactly a relationship issue update, so hopefully I’m not breaking any rules, but you guys were so kind to me when I needed it and I want to make sure everyone is keeping well and safe. I wish I could buy ye all a drink to say thank you for all the time ye took to give me advice. We will raise a virtual one when this is all over and done with! On the plus side, this virus has cut me off at the Bumble source which is probably a good thing :P hopefully you’re all getting rest and enjoying a wee bit of the headspace which is the one small plus to all this x

Porklife · 04-04-2020 4:55pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all

This thread popped into my head today, and I just wanted to check in a make sure everyone was doing ok. I know it’s not exactly a relationship issue update, so hopefully I’m not breaking any rules, but you guys were so kind to me when I needed it and I want to make sure everyone is keeping well and safe. I wish I could buy ye all a drink to say thank you for all the time ye took to give me advice. We will raise a virtual one when this is all over and done with! On the plus side, this virus has cut me off at the Bumble source which is probably a good thing :P hopefully you’re all getting rest and enjoying a wee bit of the headspace which is the one small plus to all this x

Aww you big sweetie x

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 2:33pm

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted. I asked him before we slept together to be honest with me and only sleep with me if he had feelings for me and actually liked me. I told him I wasn’t looking for a ring on the finger but just that he liked me as a person and wouldn’t dump me straight after. He said he did, so we slept together. After that he pulled away, and I texted him and said I felt he wasn’t into it and we should just end things even though I was upset. He told me he didn’t want to, but he was in a weird headspace. I hung on for this guy, weeks passed of him sporadically reaching out. One day about a month ago I had enough and told him to only text if he decided he wanted something from me. I didn’t hear from him again and that was that, I moved on.

Yesterday I got a lengthy text out of the blue saying how he had decided way back that he had no feelings for me despite me being special etc. I felt it totally unnecessary and it triggered me. I told him how I felt used. He told me it was unfair to demand continued feelings. I called him out and asked why he wouldn’t let me go after I tried to break it off, why he kept texting. I admit I had meltdown and was so upset. I don’t know why, cos I wasn’t thinking about him up to this point.

Today I’m wondering did I do wrong to react the way I did. I feel hurt and I’m left wondering why he felt the need to respond nearly six weeks later to essentially patronise me.

I’m a wee bit heartbroken and internalising again - I don’t feel it’s about him persay, more about myself and how I keep trying and this keeps happening. Did I do wrong to expect an honest answer? Do feelings change that quickly?

SozBbz · 29-05-2020 2:37pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up

Right here - this is where you've gone wrong.

Firstly, why didnt you ask him waht he was looking for before meeting up?
Secondly, when your found our it was a hook up and thus incompatible with what you want, why did you stick around?

After this you were always on a hiding to nothing.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 2:39pm

SozBbz wrote: »

Right here - this is where you've gone wrong.

Firstly, why didnt you ask him waht he was looking for before meeting up?
Secondly, when your found our it was a hook up and thus incompatible with what you want, why did you stick around?

After this you were always on a hiding to nothing.

To be honest I didn’t want to come on too strong before meeting. I did say on the date that I wasn’t interested in that but he essentially said he changed his mind based off meeting me.

SozBbz · 29-05-2020 2:43pm

Also just to add - no, you're not '''wrong" to feel hurt. He did bahave like a ****ty person. He used you for sex and attention.

That said, to an outside observer its obvious that he was using you. The fact that its not obvious to you at the time is whats worrying and what will lead you into these situations time and again. I'm glad you went mad at him, if you made him feel bad, then good enough for him, he sounds like a total ****. Don't beat yourself up over this - this actually sounds like progress that you finally stuck up for yourself and held someone accountable for treating you badly.

Maybe you're letting your want to meet someone override your good sense? You can't make someone be "the one" if such a thing even exists. They're either for you or they're not, and statistically, most people you meet wont be compatible with you and vice versa - otherwise meeting someone would be no big deal.

SozBbz · 29-05-2020 2:48pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

To be honest I didn’t want to come on too strong before meeting. I did say on the date that I wasn’t interested in that but he essentially said he changed his mind based off meeting me.

Maybe this is part of the issue. Online dating is great and works for lots of people, but its risky if you're the type to overly invest emotionally too soon.

I think you have to consider any date you make online as a totally blind date. Don't let yourself get invested before meeting up (as evidenced here, he clearly wasnt invested in you). Don't be thinking that the date is more than it is. Also maybe make a rule to protect yourself that you don't sleep with anyone after meeting online until you've met a few times in real life, no matter how well you think you know them through text, phone etc.

Go on day dates. Go for coffee. Go to the zoo. Go walk the Sugar Loaf. If a lad agrees to do all that before any intimacy, theres a far greater chance that he actually has good intentions.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 2:52pm

SozBbz wrote: »

Also just to add - no, you're not '''wrong" to feel hurt. He did bahave like a ****ty person. He used you for sex and attention.

That said, to an outside observer its obvious that he was using you. The fact that its not obvious to you at the time is whats worrying and what will lead you into these situations time and again. I'm glad you went mad at him, if you made him feel bad, then good enough for him, he sounds like a total ****. Don't beat yourself up over this - this actually sounds like progress that you finally stuck up for yourself and held someone accountable for treating you badly.

Maybe you're letting your want to meet someone override your good sense? You can't make someone be "the one" if such a thing even exists. They're either for you or they're not, and statistically, most people you meet wont be compatible with you and vice versa - otherwise meeting someone would be no big deal.

This is probably too nice for me, cos I completely hear what you’re saying about me being blind to this in the moment and I need to learn. I find it hard to read people when I like them, even when wee red flags are coming up. That’s why when he started pulling back I tried to be rational and just stop it there. I wasn’t even mad the first time, just disappointed but thought it best rather than hanging on.

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think. Unless it was something physical about me. I don’t even know anymore, I just really wish he hadn’t sent that. He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

[Deleted User] · 29-05-2020 2:55pm

Sorry to hear this Extra hot mocha..
Hope you're alright..

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 2:58pm

SozBbz wrote: »

Maybe this is part of the issue. Online dating is great and works for lots of people, but its risky if you're the type to overly invest emotionally too soon.

I think you have to consider any date you make online as a totally blind date. Don't let yourself get invested before meeting up (as evidenced here, he clearly wasnt invested in you). Don't be thinking that the date is more than it is. Also maybe make a rule to protect yourself that you don't sleep with anyone after meeting online until you've met a few times in real life, no matter how well you think you know them through text, phone etc.

Go on day dates. Go for coffee. Go to the zoo. Go walk the Sugar Loaf. If a lad agrees to do all that before any intimacy, theres a far greater chance that he actually has good intentions.

Thanks so much. I should say, I did take things slow, there were a few dates and phone calls before I slept with him. I learned from the last guy that much at least.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 2:59pm

CQD wrote: »

Sorry to hear this Extra hot mocha..
Hope you're alright..

Thanks, I’m ok. It’s not about him at all, just again feeling a bit like I’m not good enough for anyone at the moment.

SozBbz · 29-05-2020 3:05pm

OP would you consider seeing someone to talk about your own view of yourself?

One thing that shines throught (and makes me so sad) is that you don't rate or respect yourself much. I always think people with low self esteem are vulnerable to unscrupulous people who are just out for their own needs. In this case, its unscrupulous men satisfying their own sexual desires.

Casual sex is grand if no one is getting hurt, but clearly you are.
You asked if people think he was lying from the get go. Personally its hard to tell, but one thing is for sure. He wasnt lying when he told you he was after a hook up and he was absolutely lying when he back peddled on that position, thus telling you what you needed to hear to let your guard down and have sex with him. This is morally reprehensible on his part, but thats little comfort to you as you're the one getting hurt.

Dial Hard · 29-05-2020 3:31pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think. Unless it was something physical about me. I don’t even know anymore, I just really wish he hadn’t sent that. He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

He was lying from the start. Sorry. He was prepared to say whatever it took to get you into bed and the fact that you couldn't see that then and apparently still can't see it is a bit worrying.

I think SozBbz is right and that it might be a very good idea for you to speak to someone about this.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 3:32pm

SozBbz wrote: »

OP would you consider seeing someone to talk about your own view of yourself?

One thing that shines throught (and makes me so sad) is that you don't rate or respect yourself much. I always think people with low self esteem are vulnerable to unscrupulous people who are just out for their own needs. In this case, its unscrupulous men satisfying their own sexual desires.

Casual sex is grand if no one is getting hurt, but clearly you are.
You asked if people think he was lying from the get go. Personally its hard to tell, but one thing is for sure. He wasnt lying when he told you he was after a hook up and he was absolutely lying when he back peddled on that position, thus telling you what you needed to hear to let your guard down and have sex with him. This is morally reprehensible on his part, but thats little comfort to you as you're the one getting hurt.

It’s definitely something I have thought about but I’m afraid of the loss of anonymity and explaining all this to someone in person. Being brutally honest, I don’t want to sit in front of someone and come across as stupid, naive and desperate.

You’ve basically summed what I have been thinking, but I was afraid I had set unrealistic expectations. I know feelings can change, but I’m not sure if that was a genuine change or he felt nothing to begin with. I’m not sure which is worse - one means I was lied to, the other is another assessment on me personally and my value.

bitofabind · 29-05-2020 6:03pm

I find things go a lot better for me romantically when I just don't care or invest or expect from the offset. Not in a cold way, just in a way where I like my life and have lots to keep me busy and this guy seems nice but shur he could also be another clown too so let's just play it by ear. I had no expectations whatsoever when I met either of my two long-term exes. If they like you, you'll know it and this drama of playground behaviour and there-one-minute-gone-the-next just doesn't happen.

Your approach sounds pretty intense. Like you're doing all the textbook things - communicating, asking the right questions, but it's still quite intense. If I had those kinds of questions from a lad I'd probably be a bit put off, just because it'd feel kinda like being shoe-horned into a relationship before the relationship has had a chance to develop yet.

I get and totally empathise with your desire to meet someone, but I think your ability to like and respect yourself and value who you are without these external things is far more important. When you have that foundation, these flings and non-starter situations tend to leave less of a dent. And tend to happen less too. I just simply won't make room for someone in my life if the vibe is wrong early on, be that them incessantly texting me or trying to get into my pants early on or flaking on me or whatever.

What can you do to care less about these dating situations? Are there things you can work on in your own life to feel more at ease with yourself?

Scarinae · 29-05-2020 6:15pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m wondering if people think he was lying from the start, or do feelings just disappear right after? The sex was good, we had a laugh so it wasn’t that I don’t think.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think he was lying to get you into bed with him. He wasn't lying from the start necessarily, as he originally said he was looking for a hook up, but then started lying when he realised that it would get you to sleep with him.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Unless it was something physical about me.

It clearly wasn't anything physically wrong with you, as he was attracted enough to you that he wanted to have sex. But you mentioned in your previous posts too that you thought guys were rejecting you because of your tummy or your legs; there's a definite pattern here where you think any rejection is absolutely your fault and you look for reasons why. From the rest of your post though it's clear that this guy never wanted a relationship in the first place.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

He told me he wouldn’t accept that he manipulated my feelings so he could sleep with me and I shouldn’t demand continued feelings, that’s what caused the meltdown

I feel like this guy is breadcrumbing you - he's not interested in a relationship, but is sporadically contacting you to keep your hopes up. This way he can try for sex with you down the line if he's not getting it anywhere else. Don't fall for it, and don't feel bad for calling him out on his ****ty behaviour. I'd recommend blocking him and moving on, nothing good can be gained from keeping in touch with this guy.

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

It’s definitely something I have thought about but I’m afraid of the loss of anonymity and explaining all this to someone in person. Being brutally honest, I don’t want to sit in front of someone and come across as stupid, naive and desperate.

Any experienced therapist will have listened to all sorts of people with all sorts of issues. Judging you as stupid, naive, desperate or anything else is not part of their job. One of the things I personally found so useful about going a therapist is that you can tell them anything and they're NOT judging you. But even if they were, why would you care what a stranger thinks?

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

I’m not sure which is worse - one means I was lied to, the other is another assessment on me personally and my value.

Similar to my point above about how there isn't anything wrong with you - this whole encounter says nothing about you, your body or your value. Your main mistake here was not sensing the guy's bull**** and being overly invested. If someone says they're only looking for a hook up and that isn't what you want, then stop talking to them and look for someone else.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 6:45pm

bitofabind wrote: »

I find things go a lot better for me romantically when I just don't care or invest or expect from the offset. Not in a cold way, just in a way where I like my life and have lots to keep me busy and this guy seems nice but shur he could also be another clown too so let's just play it by ear. I had no expectations whatsoever when I met either of my two long-term exes. If they like you, you'll know it and this drama of playground behaviour and there-one-minute-gone-the-next just doesn't happen.

Your approach sounds pretty intense. Like you're doing all the textbook things - communicating, asking the right questions, but it's still quite intense. If I had those kinds of questions from a lad I'd probably be a bit put off, just because it'd feel kinda like being shoe-horned into a relationship before the relationship has had a chance to develop yet.

I get and totally empathise with your desire to meet someone, but I think your ability to like and respect yourself and value who you are without these external things is far more important. When you have that foundation, these flings and non-starter situations tend to leave less of a dent. And tend to happen less too. I just simply won't make room for someone in my life if the vibe is wrong early on, be that them incessantly texting me or trying to get into my pants early on or flaking on me or whatever.

What can you do to care less about these dating situations? Are there things you can work on in your own life to feel more at ease with yourself?

Thanks so much for this. I’ve definitely learned to detach - I’ve had dates whereby I’ve gone in very laid back. It’s when I interact with the lads who are quite intense, it gets my guard up and I am more protective. But I will hold my hands up and say I am fallible to the attention - it’s now definitely a self esteem thing, something that wasn’t an issue before I started dating online.

In terms of caring less, I really don’t know. I have my hobbies and outlets, but recently have been disliking my own company because I am not my biggest fan. My value is linked to what others think of me and I need to work on that again. I just didn’t want to seem like a head melt when I told him off last night - my main issue was he took the time to write this awful patronising text about how amazing I was but he just “decided” he didn’t have feelings for me. Should have known because when we talked after he called himself “fickle”. I think it’s becoming clear from others opinions though i was stupid and fell for lies. I just don’t get why someone would sleep with another person if they didn’t even like them, even though I know logically why. Maybe my personality is overbearing, maybe I’m boring, maybe I’m not good in bed. These are all my thoughts right now, and even as I type them out I can imagine people rolling their eyes and thinking how much of a dose I am.

I’m definitely going to take your advice of if someone likes you you’ll know and there will be no drama. I’m deluding myself into romantic notions otherwise and that is bloody dramatic and so not who I am. Thanks for the advice and taking the time to respond

[Deleted User] · 29-05-2020 6:51pm

Why are you not your biggest fan?..

Earlier I was going to say that I don't know if you needed counseling or whatever because it struck me that you seemed very intelligent and self aware, and like, you already knew what you were to be told..

I'll say it again.. wanting a relationship isn't unreasonable.. but yeah, in this day and age a lot of dudes will be just looking to score..

Ella281 · 29-05-2020 9:40pm

Lily_Aldrin7 wrote: »

What a piece of garbage! I can’t believe you didn’t tell him that! Who spends so much time on the phone just for a hookup, not to mention you drove all the way there... Don’t let this destroy your confidence completely!

Hey OP
Agree with Lily’s statement here!
Who does that!
I’m a new boardsie who was recently love bombed and ghosted. Tinder guy spent 4 weeks texting me day and night, was very full on as if we had been a couple, he pushed for a date, had a couple of red flags when I met him (which I ignored) and then when he went home, still confirmed the second date over text, then he stood me up - ghosted me. No explanation - nothing!

It knocked my confidence to say the least and I was paranoid that I was a big disappointment to him.. I’ve beaten myself up pretty badly... but as it turned out, he was the one who was disappointing.
I guess, at least he told you he was after a hook up. Obviously he shouldnt of love bombed you for weeks or let you drive 2hours to see him.. but at least you know. Better than letting you wonder what happened..
My date kissed me and confirmed a second date. Never said what he wanted etc.. then stood me up and cut me off.

So OP you are not alone. I think there’s a lot of headwreckers out there who are playing games on the apps whose motives are unclear...and whilst I acknowledge that some people have had good experiences and got relationships out of them, I don’t believe this is true for the majority of people on them..I thought I was able to spot the clowns but I was caught out !
What I want to say to you is you are not the problem, neither am I.... it’s the person who behaves like an asshole or headcase - they are the problem.

So OP, I’m working on my confidence and making myself more robust. Reinforcing my defences as it were...and when this lockdown is over, I’m getting back into the real world to meet a real person- in every sense of the word. Not one who talks a good talk with nothing behind it. I know I need to listen to my gut more and stop ignoring red flags. Stop beating myself up.

I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I know what you're feeling and I’m sending you a socially distanced hug!

seenitall · 29-05-2020 11:07pm

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted. I asked him before we slept together to be honest with me and only sleep with me if he had feelings for me and actually liked me. I told him I wasn’t looking for a ring on the finger but just that he liked me as a person and wouldn’t dump me straight after. He said he did, so we slept together. After that he pulled away, and I texted him and said I felt he wasn’t into it and we should just end things even though I was upset. He told me he didn’t want to, but he was in a weird headspace. I hung on for this guy, weeks passed of him sporadically reaching out. One day about a month ago I had enough and told him to only text if he decided he wanted something from me. I didn’t hear from him again and that was that, I moved on.

Yesterday I got a lengthy text out of the blue saying how he had decided way back that he had no feelings for me despite me being special etc. I felt it totally unnecessary and it triggered me. I told him how I felt used. He told me it was unfair to demand continued feelings. I called him out and asked why he wouldn’t let me go after I tried to break it off, why he kept texting. I admit I had meltdown and was so upset. I don’t know why, cos I wasn’t thinking about him up to this point.

Today I’m wondering did I do wrong to react the way I did. I feel hurt and I’m left wondering why he felt the need to respond nearly six weeks later to essentially patronise me.

I’m a wee bit heartbroken and internalising again - I don’t feel it’s about him persay, more about myself and how I keep trying and this keeps happening. Did I do wrong to expect an honest answer? Do feelings change that quickly?

Hi OP,

Get. Off. The. Apps. Stop getting involved with men, it is clear as day you are in no frame of mind to find a partner at this time. You are way too desperate for attention, which means you are a magnet for chancers and users. Decent men will run a mile from you when they get a glimpse of your desperation, because decent men are looking for healthy relationships with women with healthy self-esteem.

As long as you keep chasing that validation with any chancer that has a mind to get a leg over, you will keep ending up with nothing to show for it and feeling wretched and used.

I've read this thread, you have been rightly advised on almost every page of it since December to get rid of the apps, look for some professional help and build your self-esteem first and foremost. Men can wait.

Yet, like a drug addict, you come back with a different version of the same old narrative - wondering why you possibly weren't good enough for some absolute user/narcissist/clown. Can you even hear yourself?

Please get help, and turn your attention onto yourself, to work on your inner strength and resources, and your self-worth. If you don't this work, you will never have what you want and deserve, which is a healthy, loving, respectful relationship of equals. It will always be some version of headwreck and disaster. Think about that.

You sound in great turmoil and suffering, and I wish you all the best and more. But for that to happen, you need to take yourself in hand. Otherwise you will be going nowhere good, and that would be a horrible shame and waste.

Extrahotmocha · 29-05-2020 11:59pm

Thanks for this. I’m so sorry I come off as desperate, I don’t mean to. It’s painful to read that because I think back to a year ago when I first started dating, how I happy I was. People liked me and I was fun and interesting. I know I come across in this thread like a messed up girl who is so desperate she’ll sleep with any guy going for a bit of attention. And worse it seems like I’m ignoring you all which I’m really not. I really am listening to the majority opinion, I swear I’m taking it on board. It just seems like one steep forward, two back. I can’t thank every one enough, and your advice isn’t in vain. I will get there, and I promise to try and take all of what you guys have told me going forward. I do get lonely sometimes and go back on the app, and I shouldn’t. I know I’m not good enough for anyone decent right now - damage attracts damage. I’m working on it I promise.

starrygleam11 · 30-05-2020 12:47am

Hey i just read your thread and i Hope ur doing great the girls on this are really doing a good job of supporting u fair Play to ye all!
I just want to tell u dont worry as much i know its easy to say and hard to do but trust me.
I think the problem these days is that men think they can mess any girl they want it seems like they have no morals anymore.
Ill give u my story dated a guy for few weeks he was coming on strong we met up quiet alot of times all perf right ? On the last date he humilitated me infront of few people laughing at my height in a very rude way (i was smaller) also told me how ****able i am.Men are ****ed up these days.i dont think they have brains anymoreðŸ˜‚ my gradfather always says tho u gotto kiss 1000 of frogs before u find the Prince ðŸ˜‚

seenitall · 30-05-2020 12:53am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks for this. I’m so sorry I come off as desperate, I don’t mean to. It’s painful to read that because I think back to a year ago when I first started dating, how I happy I was. People liked me and I was fun and interesting. I know I come across in this thread like a messed up girl who is so desperate she’ll sleep with any guy going for a bit of attention. And worse it seems like I’m ignoring you all which I’m really not. I really am listening to the majority opinion, I swear I’m taking it on board. It just seems like one steep forward, two back. I can’t thank every one enough, and your advice isn’t in vain. I will get there, and I promise to try and take all of what you guys have told me going forward. I do get lonely sometimes and go back on the app, and I shouldn’t. I know I’m not good enough for anyone decent right now - damage attracts damage. I’m working on it I promise.

There you go again with "I'm not good enough"... I never said that, That's not true. You are good, you are enough, and you will most certainly be more than good enough for a good relationship in your future, after you build yourself up and work on your self-love. Words have power, Extrahotmocha, be careful how you use them, don't use them against yourself. Please look into this need to put yourself down like that.

I have to admit to feeling a bit, uh, 'triggered', by this thread but that is not on you! There is no need to take responsibility for the state of the world and conclude you are not good enough. That's just that floor-level self esteem talking again. All of this issue is strictly in your head and absolutely fixable. It will just take some work, and you are already on your way as you realise the problem. Please start trying to change your thought patterns into positive, self-affirmative ones. This is so, so important. The reason I feel so much when I read this thread is that I can just about imagine how lonely and horrible it must feel in the head of a person who will nearly apologise for being alive. It is no way to exist. I'm rooting for you.

Extrahotmocha · 30-05-2020 1:49am

seenitall wrote: »

There you go again with "I'm not good enough"... I never said that, That's not true. You are good, you are enough, and you will most certainly be more than good enough for a good relationship in your future, after you build yourself up and work on your self-love. Words have power, Extrahotmocha, be careful how you use them, don't use them against yourself. Please look into this need to put yourself down like that.

I have to admit to feeling a bit, uh, 'triggered', by this thread but that is not on you! There is no need to take responsibility for the state of the world and conclude you are not good enough. That's just that floor-level self esteem talking again. All of this issue is strictly in your head and absolutely fixable. It will just take some work, and you are already on your way as you realise the problem. Please start trying to change your thought patterns into positive, self-affirmative ones. This is so, so important. The reason I feel so much when I read this thread is that I can just about imagine how lonely and horrible it must feel in the head of a person who will nearly apologise for being alive. It is no way to exist. I'm rooting for you.

Thanks, you’re so kind. Definitely didn’t take from it that you were saying I wasn’t good enough, that’s my narrative not yours.

You’re right - my head is not a nice place to be right now, it’s very scary at times and I never saw myself getting this low. Especially as it seems to be as a result of these people who I have unfair, unrealistic expectations from. It’s not their fault either, and I’m blaming these guys for how I feel. I thought this would all be easier and I can’t see a way of solving it sometimes. I’m letting people who do care for me down by behaving this way. More than that, I’m letting myself down, risking my reputation by giving away and sharing too much of myself.

I agree with the poster above you who said you girls/guys are doing a fantastic job of supporting me. I’ll get to a point where I’m brave enough to seek support from someone other than strangers on the internet. It’s not today, but hopefully it’ll be soon.

I’m so sorry if this is triggering for some people, I can totally see why. Reading these posts must feel like ye are all banging your heads against a brick wall. I wish I could have posted here under happier circumstances so ye would see how I can be.

starrygleam11 · 30-05-2020 1:54am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Thanks, you’re so kind. Definitely didn’t take from it that you were saying I wasn’t good enough, that’s my narrative not yours.

You’re right - my head is not a nice place to be right now, it’s very scary at times and I never saw myself getting this low. Especially as it seems to be as a result of these people who I have unfair, unrealistic expectations from. It’s not their fault either, and I’m blaming these guys for how I feel. I thought this would all be easier and I can’t see a way of solving it sometimes. I’m letting people who do care for me down by behaving this way. More than that, I’m letting myself down, risking my reputation by giving away and sharing too much of myself.

I agree with the poster above you who said you girls/guys are doing a fantastic job of supporting me. I’ll get to a point where I’m brave enough to seek support from someone other than strangers on the internet. It’s not today, but hopefully it’ll be soon.

I’m so sorry if this is triggering for some people, I can totally see why. Reading these posts must feel like ye are all banging your heads against a brick wall. I wish I could have posted here under happier circumstances so ye would see how I can be.

Apart from online advice i think if u had a girls night or day meetup it could really help and lift ur spirits up after restrictions are lifted.Maybe a walk on the park with a picnic and girls talking about dating could be good for u ? Just an idea

SusieBlue · 30-05-2020 3:10am

Extrahotmocha wrote: »

Hi all.

Back again, could do with some advice on what I’ve done wrong here

I took on everything you guys said. I met a guy in February and we really hit it off. Now, I will confess there was a lot of texting again at the start but I really took it with a pinch of salt. When we met I asked him what he was looking for and he said if he was honest a hook up but he didn’t expect to meet me. I told him I needed to go slow cos obviously that was the opposite of what I wanted

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

starrygleam11 · 30-05-2020 4:06am

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

You gave her really amazing advice but remember as upfront as a girl can be to a guy we also have to factor in and remember that not all men are good and honest.Theres plenty of guys and im sure the girls know who date girls for months and then just drop them pretending and lying,it is great advice what ur saying but we all just have to remember to watch our backs too.Not all guys will be mature some love to Play along not giving a crap about other persons feelings.There are men who say they dont want flings but there actions are totally different to what they say

SusieBlue · 30-05-2020 5:46am

starrygleam11 wrote: »

You gave her really amazing advice but remember as upfront as a girl can be to a guy we also have to factor in and remember that not all men are good and honest.Theres plenty of guys and im sure the girls know who date girls for months and then just drop them pretending and lying,it is great advice what ur saying but we all just have to remember to watch our backs too.Not all guys will be mature some love to Play along not giving a crap about other persons feelings.There are men who say they dont want flings but there actions are totally different to what they say

Yes, absolutely, there are both men and women out there who are master manipulators who will lie to get what they want.
But usually it’s clear from their actions what their real intentions are.
Even if they’re saying all the right things, if they’re treating you casually, that’s all you need to know.
And it’s up to us to acknowledge these red flags and take some personal responsibility so we don’t get hurt.

It’s definitely a learning process though - I’m a firm believer in always trusting your gut. I think you know deep down when something isn’t as it seems.

In hindsight with the majority of people I was seeing in the past, & even failed relationships, the writing was on the wall but I was in denial about it and made excuse after excuse to justify their sh*tty behaviour.
I knew it, I just didn’t want to accept it.

There is nothing to lose by being up front about what you are looking for and seeing their reaction to that. If their reaction is to say they want a hook up, it’s definitely best to cut your losses and move on.

Extrahotmocha · 30-05-2020 7:36am

SusieBlue wrote: »

OP, sorry but the bolded is mind blowing, he told you he was just looking for a hook up so you told him you needed to take things slow because you wanted the opposite?
There was nothing to take slow here, ye were on completely different wavelengths.
What did you honestly think was going to happen?

What you should have done, and what you should do in the future if this happens again, is say ‘Oh well I’m sorry to hear that cause I’m actually looking for something a bit more serious at the moment, you seem really nice though so if you change your mind about what you’re looking for in the future, give me a text’ and move on with your life.
There is zero point in entertaining men who aren’t available to you in the hope they’ll change their mind.

You have to have boundaries or this is going to keep happening.
You sound so upset and devastated and I feel very sorry for you, but this was very avoidable if you had just stood up for what you want.

Also, there are lighthearted ways of dropping this issue into conversation before you meet up with someone.
If I’m asked, or if I bring it up, I always say I’m not looking for a hook up or a husband, just someone nice to spend time with and see where it goes.
I also say while I prefer being in committed relationships, I’m not desperate to settle down and am happy being on my own too.
In two years of online dating I’ve never had a man react badly to this, one or two were just looking for something casual but appreciated the honesty and the others were glad to know where I stood and asked me out soon after.

You aren’t wrong to feel hurt but as long as you continue to pursue men who just want casual flings, this will keep happening. You need to take the initiative and be assertive about your needs and wants or this cycle will continue to repeat itself.

Hi

no sorry I should clarify, he said that was what he was looking for initially but that changed when he met me and he wanted to date. He said, and I quote, “you are too interesting to be a hookup”. I was of course very unsure but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because his actions at the time supported this notion. I took things slow to be sure he meant what he was saying. The night we slept together we were on a date, both had a bit to drink but it was a really nice night. We started talking about how the night would end and I asked him to not go home with me unless he actually liked me as a person and it wasn’t just about hooking up. I felt comfortable with him, and I mentioned that I was just trying to protect myself from being hurt. He looked me in the eyes and said it wasn’t about sex and he really thought it was going somewhere. Like a fool, I believed it.

I should mention there are other factors at play influencing why I kept seeing this guy. I don’t want to get into them but let’s just say third parties were involved who initially had nice things to say about this person but then back pedalled when he did this.

I’m not excusing my own daftness and stupidity, I chose to believe him after all my history and experience. As I said, they aren’t at fault, and it might look like I’m blaming them for my pathetic behavior. But I don’t want people to think I chose to continue to date a guy who told me he wanted a hookup only, because that wasn’t the case.

What’s wrong

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