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01-04-2020, 10:15   #31
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Originally Posted by hawley View Post
Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.
Should she try harder to be a better person and more attractive and sexy and lovable too? I mean, it’s actually her fault that he’s looking elsewhere for love, isn’t it?
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01-04-2020, 10:23   #32
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If he has to 'try his best' not to have an affair then he's not worth the effort
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01-04-2020, 15:19   #33
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Originally Posted by Joeunreg View Post
Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.
That’s no excuse. He can’t have both. If he wants a more adventurous fulfilling sex life then he can go ahead but as a single man not a married one.
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01-04-2020, 15:59   #34
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Hi op I’ve been where you are now and I totally understand how shocked and raw you are feeling. From my experience the man who cheats does not love you and has no respect for you. From the looks of things this will be a process that you will have to endure over and over again if you stay with him. Him cheating and you forgiving. You are worth much more than this and don’t have to live a life of lies.
The women your husband sleeps with will be getting paid in one way or another. He could be paying rent on an apartment paying for nights away in hotels expensive gifts or even small things like fancy dinners in restaurants. You say you have a good job and he works too so I’d advise you to keep an eye on your financial matters. What happens if he gets another woman pregnant and decides to leave you or has to pay to raise a baby with someone else. I’ve seen others ask about your sex life and I think if you are sleeping with your husband you should get a checkup in case he could have passed on any infection.
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01-04-2020, 17:01   #35
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Originally Posted by Immortal Starlight View Post
Hi op I’ve been where you are now and I totally understand how shocked and raw you are feeling. From my experience the man who cheats does not love you and has no respect for you. I’ve seen others ask about your sex life and I think if you are sleeping with your husband you should get a checkup in case he could have passed on any infection.
Good point about the check up. Many years ago a friend of my contracted several STDs from her husband. He’d returned from Africa with the Irish Army to a hero’s welcome. She continued to suffer side affects for years and years.
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01-04-2020, 18:23   #36
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My heart goes out to I can feel your pain, devastation, betrayal, hurt, disbelief the list goes on, no one understands what this feels like only those who have walked in your shoes.

Its hard to think rationally when we are in that place, its all consuming and head-wrecking.

<edit> PM request snipped </edit>

Last edited by mike_ie; 02-04-2020 at 03:32.
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01-04-2020, 23:42   #37
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Originally Posted by numbandnumber View Post
I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.
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02-04-2020, 03:28   #38
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YFlyer - if you have an issue with a post, report it. As you have nothing to add, please don't post in this thread again.
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02-04-2020, 10:51   #39
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Originally Posted by Wimbledon 2021 View Post
People cheat, it's normal. People can try to repress their true sexuality but it often has unintended consequences.
It's not normal in the slightest. Normal implies it's something done by the majority - not the minority - and thus there should be an expectation that it will occur. That's way off the mark.

Also, what does sexuality repression have to do with it? The OP hasn't suggested he's a closet gay or has some perverse kink that he's scared to try out at home. He's simply been shagging elsewhere. If he was somehow repressed sexually, I don't think an affair would be a consequence - that's kinda the opposite of what it means.
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03-04-2020, 02:48   #40
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This op greatly annoys me. She’s 38, has no children and is staying with a guy who cheats on her. 38 is, or at least ought to be, a beautiful age to be a woman. Given that very many of us will live into our 80s and 90s, 38 is young and take your head out of the sand, realise this, and you’ll feel empowered. Christ almighty, what some of us would do to not have kids tying us into some loveless prison for the rest of our lives.

Wake the fúck up by imaging your life in 10 years time with this bastard. You think you’re scared now? You’ve no idea of how dark a loveless marriage can become, and how finances mean you sacrifice your own happiness for a faux stability for your children. And the years tick, and tick, and tick, and you get older, and older, and older - and you cannot buy your freedom. Yes, when the kids are adults, you recurrently promise yourself - but by then you’ve few-to-no options for a second chance at happiness. You realise you’ll never have the gentle, loving touch of a soulmate again, the blissful silences, the little kindnesses - that this is it.

Wake up. Now. These years don’t come back.
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10-04-2020, 09:02   #41
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OP again

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all your replies. No I am not a troll, I wish it was all a joke.
I haven't been on in a while, I've just been in the thick of it and as with all affairs the information comes out in drips.
I found out who sent the postcard, not that it makes a difference. Her husband contacted me to tell me as well, the poor man is devastated.
There are so many lies, I feel sick, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I want to stay so badly you have no idea but I know I can't. I love him but my heart is just broken. I wish I had left the first time.

For anyone who thinks my pain is less because I don't have children is wrong, it makes it more complicated I'm sure but does not ease the pain.

I am so scared about the future. All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with. I don't know what my next step is. I can't leave straight away, I have nowhere to go right now and there are other factors that make it complicated so I will be here for the next while anyway.

Thank you to anyone who has replied, I have found boardsies to be very supportive in tough times.
10-04-2020, 17:21   #42
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Aw, that's so tough to read. You must be in bits now. And the fact the timing's crap is an understatement...

This marriage has ended IMO. I know you are hurt and confused, but surely you must see this?

I know you can't immediately leave, nor can you speak to anyone in person. Do you have health insurance? Most of them offer telephone counselling that maybe you can take advantage of.

Do you have a spare room? Move into that and start separating your lives. Do you have your own bank accounts? If not, immediately open your own in your own name. Set up Standing Orders to cover the mortgage/rent and utility bills for your share. Do your own washing, cooking and cleaning.

Try to have as little to do as possible with your husband. When the lockdown ends, make plans to get legal advice ASAP and make plans to start your own life. On your own if need be. NO man is worth this crap you're getting!

Good luck and stay strong! You got this.
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11-04-2020, 15:43   #43
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Hi Op

I am very sorry that you have been betrayed twice, if you can try not to be hard on yourself for at least trying once with him, it shows you at least tried. Second time though, I am not sure. It is easy for us to say dump him, forget him etc, but my own experience has taught me that it is not so cut and dried. If can leave him, at least the same room / living space for now, I would do so. Try not to dwell on the future. You may fear no one will ever love you etc, but you have no idea what the future holds. Try if you can to take each moment as it arises though I appreciate that is hard right now. For me, when I get frustrated, angry etc, I bash a pillow, it is very helpful to release tension out in the immediate sense.
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12-04-2020, 08:41   #44
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Why are you planning to leave? Throw his crap out and let him deal with it. I think your going at this from the wrong angle.
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12-04-2020, 19:19   #45
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Contact a solicitor and start getting your finances in order.

Do not leave, tell him to go or at least into the spare room.

If you stay you are signing up for a life of misery. You are choosing that for yourself.

If I sound unsympathetic I definitely am not. But there is no happiness to be found with this man.

And don't take it personally. This is all him and no reflection on you or how much he loves you. He's just weak.
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