Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

Crippling social anxiety

  • 16-06-2019 3:15am
    #1
    Matthew Gleeson
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭


    Hi folks

    Over the last few years I’ve developed pretty bad social anxiety and it’s starting to really impact my life and even job at times. It’s at the point where I’m sick to my stomach before parties and even some family social occasions. My nerves feel a bit shot sometimes.

    I just find talking so hard and spend most of the time thinking about how much the other person is bored by me. I do my best to listen as much as possible but sometimes even this is hindered by the fear of the next pause which can be a vicious circle.

    I know I’m not alone with this. Putting this thread up to share coping strategies and ways to make better conversations.

    Many thanks!


Comments

  • #2
    Freedive Ireland
    Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭Freedive Ireland


    I think you have hit on something that usually works. There's an old saying that if you speak to someone about themselves, they'll listen all day. People are often not listening to you anyway, just waiting for you to finish speaking so they can start.
    Ask them about themselves, repeat some of what they have said back to show you were listening. Forget the title but the greatest book on this subject is How to win friends and influence people.
    Are you young or old? The older I get the less bothered I am of what people think about me, just what I think about myself and those people close to me.


  • #3
    SuperRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 698 ✭✭✭SuperRabbit


    There are a good few resources online on how to learn "active listening skills". They take the pressure off you to speak and give you an idea what you can say in the next pause.

    You've expressed it pretty well in your post, there are two things you want to cope with: a. the social anxiety, b. the social skills

    What resources have you got available or do you think you can access to help you with anxiety?


  • #4
    Matthew Gleeson
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭Matthew Gleeson


    Freedive Ireland wrote: »
    I think you have hit on something that usually works. There's an old saying that if you speak to someone about themselves, they'll listen all day. People are often not listening to you anyway, just waiting for you to finish speaking so they can start.
    Ask them about themselves, repeat some of what they have said back to show you were listening. Forget the title but the greatest book on this subject is How to win friends and influence people.
    Are you young or old? The older I get the less bothered I am of what people think about me, just what I think about myself and those people close to me.

    Thanks a million. I’m in my mid 20s. The strange thing is I have great friends that I’m relaxed and look forward to hanging out with. But when I’m heading to family parties or if my girlfriend wants me to spend time with her friends I just really struggle.

    As with anything like this each time it gets worse. The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer. I’m reluctant to talk about myself cause no one wants to be that asswhole who doesn’t shut up about themselves 😂 but I’m happy to stand and listen to others talk. Just to get through an evening.

    I see social interaction as something to survive and not enjoy. That’s my big issue.

    The anxiety I haven’t any real strategies. Alcohol can be successful but it’s not always a healthy thing to rely on. Especially given I find myself at these types of things more often now a days.

    Anyway many thanks for the comments ðŸ‘🼠All help is appreciated!


  • #5
    MetzgerMeister
    Registered Users Posts: 19,854 ✭✭✭✭MetzgerMeister


    Matthew Gleeson wrote: »
    Thanks a million. I’m in my mid 20s. The strange thing is I have great friends that I’m relaxed and look forward to hanging out with. But when I’m heading to family parties or if my girlfriend wants me to spend time with her friends I just really struggle.

    As with anything like this each time it gets worse. The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer. I’m reluctant to talk about myself cause no one wants to be that asswhole who doesn’t shut up about themselves �� but I’m happy to stand and listen to others talk. Just to get through an evening.

    I see social interaction as something to survive and not enjoy. That’s my big issue.

    The anxiety I haven’t any real strategies. Alcohol can be successful but it’s not always a healthy thing to rely on. Especially given I find myself at these types of things more often now a days.

    Anyway many thanks for the comments ðŸ‘🼠All help is appreciated!

    This shows me that they are the ones with the problem talking to people. You are the one making the effort to engage them in conversation and they can't give better than one word answers.


  • #6
    LLewellen Farquarson
    Registered Users Posts: 407 ✭✭LLewellen Farquarson


    Matthew Gleeson wrote: »
    . The issue with asking them about themselves is I sometimes find they give one word answers. They may have spent a month or two traveling and when I ask how that was it’s usually a one word answer.

    Learn how to ask open-ended questions
    Instead of "How was your holiday ?" ask "what was the best thing you did?" "Who were the friendliest people "? "What didn't you do that you regret not doing?"
    Maybe they give one word answers because they don't want to appear to be talking about themselves. Asking them an open-ended question is like giving them permission, and showing that you are actually interested.
    And it's easier to keep the conversation going if you then listen ask further questions on their answers, e.g. "that's really interesting, why do you think that was?"
    Here's a link to examples
    https://www.gentlemansgazette.com/how-to-get-to-know-someone/


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    Matthew Gleeson
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭Matthew Gleeson


    LLewellen Farquarson wrote: »
    Learn how to ask open-ended questions
    Instead of "How was your holiday ?" ask "what was the best thing you did?" "Who were the friendliest people "? "What didn't you do that you regret not doing?"
    Maybe they give one word answers because they don't want to appear to be talking about themselves. Asking them an open-ended question is like giving them permission, and showing that you are actually interested.
    And it's easier to keep the conversation going if you then listen ask further questions on their answers, e.g. "that's really interesting, why do you think that was?"
    Here's a link to examples
    https://www.gentlemansgazette.com/how-to-get-to-know-someone/

    This is awesome! Really helpful!

    Many thanks!!


  • #8
    SuperRabbit
    Registered Users Posts: 698 ✭✭✭SuperRabbit


    Just to say, I'm sure you know this but just in case, and because these threads tend to get read by people with similar difficulties who find them on google, occasionally persistent one word answers can be a signal "This is not a good time to talk"


Advertisement