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15-06-2017, 18:56   #16
PlentyOhToole
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A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, “I’ll have some @#$%^& pancakes.” The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing.

She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast?!”

The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”
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15-06-2017, 19:51   #17
Princess Consuela Bananahammock
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, an a Norwegian walk into a posh bar.

"Sorry lads," says the bouncer, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
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15-06-2017, 20:05   #18
Princess Consuela Bananahammock
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Syphonax View Post
Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins
Well done, Kowalski - now give me options!
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15-06-2017, 21:22   #19
thesandeman
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Originally Posted by buck65 View Post
What's black and white and red all over....?

Penguin jokes being flogged to death.
That's another bloody penguin joke.
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15-06-2017, 21:28   #20
blade1
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Plane was diverted from the North Pole due to penguins
Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!
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15-06-2017, 22:00   #21
rizzodun
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Funny that, as penguins only live in the southern hemisphere!!!
What do you call 500 penguins at the North Pole?
Lost!
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15-06-2017, 23:15   #22
everlast75
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What's brown and sticky?















A stick
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16-06-2017, 01:33   #23
Riddle101
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A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
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16-06-2017, 10:37   #24
TheChevron
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Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Just close the thread.
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16-06-2017, 10:43   #25
Hagar7
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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.
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16-06-2017, 10:43   #26
Bushmanpm
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My mum is so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was finishing
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16-06-2017, 10:45   #27
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I've grown a beard but my wife says it makes me look like a Muslim.
Azif.
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16-06-2017, 15:48   #28
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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17-06-2017, 03:09   #29
GerB40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheChevron View Post
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Just close the thread.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





A carrot....
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17-06-2017, 10:04   #30
signostic
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Two athletes unknown to each other meet at the Olympics and one asks the other "are you a pole vaulter?" to which he replied ""No, I'm German but how did you know my name"
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