uses cookies. By continuing to browse this site you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Click here to find out more x
Post Reply  
Thread Tools Search this Thread
06-12-2018, 18:07   #2071
M.T. Cranium
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: across from the neighbours
Posts: 9,499
I wanted to date this Japanese beauty, but she said take a haiku.


So then I asked this middle eastern woman where she was from, and she said "Oman." So I said, "there's no need to take offense, just curious. How about your friend, where's she from?" The answer was "Kuwait." So then I said, "no, sorry, I have to catch a flight, maybe you'll remember though."


Was on holiday in Wales, got off a train, by the time I read the name of the station, it was time to board the next one.


There was once a religion based solely on the worship of square numbers. It was so pervasive, the hymn books were numbered 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc ... but eventually, a group split off and began to worship cubed numbers. They thought themselves quite superior and looked down on the square number people. One day, one of them asked why they had this attitude, wasn't it all really about the same? "Oh no," said one of the cube worshippers, "we believe in a Higher Power."
M.T. Cranium is offline  
06-12-2018, 18:09   #2072
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.

Whats going on up here? asks the brunette. We're having a great time downstairs.

Yeah, screams a terrified blonde, but you've got a driver.
natashaob6 is offline  
06-12-2018, 19:02   #2073
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.
natashaob6 is offline  
07-12-2018, 08:23   #2074
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the front desk and asks,
Can you put me up for the night?
natashaob6 is offline  
(4) thanks from:
08-12-2018, 10:18   #2075
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says,I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.

The second police officer says,I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.

The last cop replies,I would like to hear them say Look, He's Moving!
natashaob6 is offline  
08-12-2018, 17:25   #2076
Registered User
patmac's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: the restaurant at the edge of the universe
Posts: 6,566
Originally Posted by Purple Mountain View Post
Your loss best joke on here.
patmac is offline  
08-12-2018, 19:39   #2077
iamstop's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dublin
Posts: 2,559
Saw a sign in a pet store:

Live birds, going cheap.
Dead bird, not going cheep.
iamstop is offline  
08-12-2018, 21:07   #2078
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
A young punk gets on the bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, What are you looking at you old fart didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

The old man replies,Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my son.
natashaob6 is offline  
Yesterday, 14:15   #2079
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,428
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.

Last edited by natashaob6; Yesterday at 14:45.
natashaob6 is offline  
Yesterday, 22:37   #2080
Registered User
coolhull's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 20,526
Jesus walks into a Jewish synagogue, raises his arms and shouts, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God."
The Rabbi stops the service, turns to his servers, and calmly says, "Fetch me a couple of four-by-two planks, a few 3-inch nails and a hammer We've had trouble with this bollix before."
coolhull is offline  
Post Reply

Quick Reply
Remove Text Formatting

Insert Image
Wrap [QUOTE] tags around selected text
Decrease Size
Increase Size
Please sign up or log in to join the discussion

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Share Tweet