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06-12-2018, 18:07   #2071
M.T. Cranium
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I wanted to date this Japanese beauty, but she said take a haiku.


So then I asked this middle eastern woman where she was from, and she said "Oman." So I said, "there's no need to take offense, just curious. How about your friend, where's she from?" The answer was "Kuwait." So then I said, "no, sorry, I have to catch a flight, maybe you'll remember though."


Was on holiday in Wales, got off a train, by the time I read the name of the station, it was time to board the next one.


There was once a religion based solely on the worship of square numbers. It was so pervasive, the hymn books were numbered 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc ... but eventually, a group split off and began to worship cubed numbers. They thought themselves quite superior and looked down on the square number people. One day, one of them asked why they had this attitude, wasn't it all really about the same? "Oh no," said one of the cube worshippers, "we believe in a Higher Power."
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06-12-2018, 18:09   #2072
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Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.

Whats going on up here? asks the brunette. We're having a great time downstairs.

Yeah, screams a terrified blonde, but you've got a driver.
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06-12-2018, 19:02   #2073
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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.
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07-12-2018, 08:23   #2074
Join Date: Jun 2013
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Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the front desk and asks,
Can you put me up for the night?
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08-12-2018, 10:18   #2075
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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says,I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.

The second police officer says,I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.

The last cop replies,I would like to hear them say Look, He's Moving!
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08-12-2018, 17:25   #2076
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Originally Posted by Purple Mountain View Post
Your loss best joke on here.
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08-12-2018, 19:39   #2077
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Saw a sign in a pet store:

Live birds, going cheap.
Dead bird, not going cheep.
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08-12-2018, 21:07   #2078
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A young punk gets on the bus.
He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, What are you looking at you old fart didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

The old man replies,Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.

I thought maybe you were my son.
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09-12-2018, 14:15   #2079
Join Date: Jun 2013
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.

Last edited by magnus hexam; 09-12-2018 at 14:45.
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09-12-2018, 22:37   #2080
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Jesus walks into a Jewish synagogue, raises his arms and shouts, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God."
The Rabbi stops the service, turns to his servers, and calmly says, "Fetch me a couple of four-by-two planks, a few 3-inch nails and a hammer We've had trouble with this bollix before."
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10-12-2018, 01:46   #2081
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I was playing chess with a friend recently.

He said "let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.
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10-12-2018, 08:26   #2082
Join Date: Jun 2013
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I took my seven year old son to the zoo today.

We were walking around and my son said, Look dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

What did you just call it? I asked.

My son replied it's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, and i said no son it's, an African Elephant.

Last edited by magnus hexam; 10-12-2018 at 08:29.
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10-12-2018, 13:39   #2083
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?

The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,

I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!

The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….

I don't want to go to Syria either.
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10-12-2018, 17:29   #2084
M.T. Cranium
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Who cut one?
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10-12-2018, 18:19   #2085
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Originally Posted by M.T. Cranium View Post
Who cut one?
Not I, but the old saying comes to mind, a fox is always first to smell his own!
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