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Boyfriend talking and acting disrespectful towards me.

  • 20-02-2021 12:06pm
    #1
    Gigiplease
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭


    My 26 yo boyfriend of 3.5 years was showing me a couple of messages on his phone between him and his friend. While reading these messages I could see the next part of the convo went something like this:

    Boyfriend: “he’s like me falls in love to easily”
    Friend:”oh ya but your ones a good spin so ya stay with her”
    B: “ah you get sick of going down the same dark alleyway”
    F: “hahahahaha really?”
    B: “ya especially when she gives you lip, what’s your new one like?”
    F: “a good spin”
    B: “maybe I can substitute some night so”

    This is him claiming to be joking in a private conversation with his friend and giving out to me that I should of read on. Sad thing is, I do know he’s joking about it all, very immaturely and disgustingly but to him it’s a joke. He’s used that “line” and similar ones like it regularly in the past. I told him straight away how disrespectful it is and disgusting to talk about any woman like that especially one you’ve been in love with for 3.5 years (and claim to be happy in the bedroom department with) Told him how much it upset me and disappointed me that he talks down about me to his friends. And all he did was laugh in my face about it and call me a joke.
    He even started recording my reaction on his phone of me saying to him how upset I am and begging him to talk to me about it.

    So I obviously have two problems.
    First, the disgusting way he talks about woman and me to anyone.
    And secondly, which is my main issue how he reacted when I was upset by his words and all he did was laugh in my face, make more jokes to rev me up more, and still won’t talk to me about it days later.
    He either laughs in my face about a topic in our relationship, or has a full blown fight, there’s never any sit down conversations with him.

    I’m sick of being disrespected like this.


«1

Comments

  • #2
    alchemist33
    Registered Users Posts: 10,969 ✭✭✭✭alchemist33


    This incident makes him look like a right d!ck. You haven't said if this is typical behaviour or a one-off, but if this is happening a lot of the time I'd be questioning the relationship. If this is out of character and you still want to be with him, I'd say address the issue again, tell him how it makes you feel, or maybe even write it down if that'll make the message stick more for him.


  • #3
    lulublue22
    Registered Users Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭lulublue22


    Gigiplease wrote: »
    <Snip> Please do not quote the entire post. It is unnecessary.

    1. You can not control anyones behaviour - only how you react to it. 2. if you want to know how someone feels about you focus on how they behave and not what they say.

    You have flagged an issue with your boyfriends behaviour - you have tried to explain how it makes you feel - his response has been to continue to speak about you disrespectfully and not engage or acknowledge how you feel. You talk about love - is that love ? You talk about immaturity but what age is he and how long are you going to have to wait for him to mature? You say the relationship is 3 1/2 years old do you want to be in the same position in 6 years time ? 10 years time ? When you have children and a house together ? Do you think your boyfriend would think it’s a great joke if you texted similar to your friend re trying her boyfriend for a spin. I very much doubt it. Honestly my advice would be to dump him and find someone who loves and respects you - as this gob****e certainly doesn’t

    ETA - I see he’s 26 - christ I thought he was 18/19. You really really could do much better and I try very hard to stay away from the dump him posts as no one knows the entire picture but he does not seem to have any redeeming features.


  • #4
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,764 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    His attitude is very immature and condescending. He wont talk to you. He wont listen to you. He wont take on board your feelings or opinions. He laughs at you and mocks you.

    Maybe think long and hard about whether you really want this in the future.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #5
    Mystery Egg
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 2,579 Mod ✭✭✭✭Mystery Egg


    lulublue22 wrote: »
    1. You can not control anyones behaviour - only how you react to it. 2. if you want to know how someone feels about you focus on how they behave and not what they say.

    I agree with your general point here but just to say that speech *is* behaviour. If the boyfriend buys her flowers on Tuesday but calls her a c**t on Wednesday you've still got a problem.


  • #6
    lulublue22
    Registered Users Posts: 1,475 ✭✭✭lulublue22


    I agree - I just get the feeling ( I could be wrong) that there is a discrepancy between what he says ( love you) and his behaviour which is extremely ****ty and disrespectful.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    My friends and I always talk childish/juvenile on WhatsApp for the craic, but we never talk about SOs like that. It's not up for that type of discussion.


  • #8
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    what did you think would happen when you pulled him up over his language ? IE what was the expected result? im honestly asking because i am wondering if this is the first inkling you got that he talks and jokes in a way that you find offensive, with his mates.

    but that aside he was not mortified, or apologetic that you didn't like the manner of communication and language in his private chats. He thinks you are making a mountain out of a molehill. With regards to that first issue, i think you are manufacturing an issue in the relationship by being offended at a private chat you are not party to. If you genuinely didn't know he talked this way in private, you do now. It is my belief that this is unlikely to change, his personality and habits are what they are, and at either you are discovering this for the 1st time, or you decided to take offense at something tactically - to teach him a lesson, and it has not played out the way you hoped.

    re the second point, he does come across a bit uncaring. Only you know the full picture of the relationship, and how well he treats you (or not) & how he acts, often far more important than words anyway. If you think he doesn't love and respect you, leave.

    If you think he does love and resect you, but chats with friends in private in a manner you dont approve of - you need to decide if thats a dealbreaker for you. I would suggest butting out and minding your own business, if and only if he is a good loving partner.


  • #9
    Lisha
    Registered Users Posts: 8,693 ✭✭✭Lisha


    I’m sorry op but that a dreadful way to talk about anyone. Not to mind a girlfriend after 3.5yrs. It’s not going to get better. For me it would be a deal breaker. I think you deserve a lot better. Best of luck op


  • #10
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,909 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Sad thing is, I do know he’s joking about it all, very immaturely and disgustingly but to him it’s a joke.

    To him its a joke, but not to you. Fair enough he was having a private conversation with a friend. At the same time, you're saying its a recurring theme in his 'jokes'. You've been together long enough for him to know there's a line you don't appreciate him crossing but he keeps crossing it and turning it on you for not liking it.

    If that's his sense of humour, grand. He doesn't have to change it and it certainly doesn't look like he's making any effort to change it. But equally you are not obliged to continue enduring it.

    I find the bit about him recording you a worrying thing to do. He's gone from not wanting to talk to you to, to turning it on you, to now down right humiliating you.

    You're right to not want to be disrespected any more. I'd seriously be considering whether this is the right relationship to be in. Certainly don't beg him to talk to you when he flat out refuses if his tactic is going to turn to blaming you and recording you. But I don't think its a healthy relationship for you the way things are sliding.


  • #11
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,654 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    OP, I’m curious about the circumstances that led to you getting back together with him? In your last thread about his gambling addiction, you’d ended it with him. Why did you get back together? It sounds like a very toxic relationship and I’d be quite concerned overall, considering the broader picture of the type of person he is and how he treats you.


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  • #12
    MadameHussein
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭MadameHussein


    Really doubt he'd view it as just your sense of humour if he saw a text you sent to a friend saying that you were tired of his dick and might try a new one on a night out.

    What was the punchline exactly? That'd he'd like to cheat on you if he got the chance? That part didn't even sound like a joke, it sounded like he was just telling a mate matter of factly what he'd like to do.

    No issue at all with crude humour but I'd be beyond digusted if I found out my boyfriend talked about me that way. You don't who have to be the "cool girl" just because it was a private conversation with his friend. That's like saying that you can't complain if you heard people saying awful things behind your back not realising you could hear - you have every right to complain when you were the subject matter.

    I remember the gambling thread and the way he talks about after you stood by him speaks volumes. Even if it was a joke, if I made an off colour joke about my boyfriend who was deeply hurt by it I'd make every effort to  understand why it hurt him and reassure him that it was just a stupid joke - because I love and respect him.

    This may be harsh but his reaction just confirms that he really has no respect for you. I know the term gaslighting is bandied about a lot but it couldn't fit better here - instead of addressing your legitimate concerns, he trivialised them by trying to make you think you were just overreacting and have no sense of humour.

    He has shown you who is he and that he won't change. Does he have any redeeming qualities  at all? What would you tell a friend who was in a relationship with someone like him? He sounds like a user who has conditioned you into accepting less than you should - he knows that other women wouldn't put up with his baggage and behaviour, so he keeps you around while he eyes up what else is on the market for some side action.

    You seem like a very kind individual who would go to great lengths for their partner. You deserve so much better. You are so young and have ample time to meet someone who treats you well and genuinely cares for you - you can do anything you want. I would really suggest that this is something you consider before you spend another 3.5 years of your life with this guy. 

    If it was me, I'd tell him his wish has been granted and now he can try "substitute" every night as you walk out the door. If you do want to salvage the relationship, I'd make clear that that sort of behaviour is a deal breaker and won't be tolerated. You owe yourself that much.


  • #13
    Lisha
    Registered Users Posts: 8,693 ✭✭✭Lisha


    Op i saw a meme/inspirational quote lately that simply said;
    ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’

    He has shown you what he thinks of you by how he speaks to you and about you.

    Don’t stick with him simply because you’ve been with him for 3.5yrs. You deserve better.!

    Give yourself the gift of a happy future .


  • #14
    laserlad2010
    Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭laserlad2010


    Faith wrote: »
    OP, I’m curious about the circumstances that led to you getting back together with him? In your last thread about his gambling addiction, you’d ended it with him. Why did you get back together? It sounds like a very toxic relationship and I’d be quite concerned overall, considering the broader picture of the type of person he is and how he treats you.

    Considering no mention of this in the OP, you'd wonder about the veracity of this story?

    You'd at least give some back story. No mention of it.


  • #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,746 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Posters are reminded to not quote full posts (especially lengthy ones) in their reply.

    As Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is an advice forum, the main rule is to post advice to the OP. Quoting lengthy posts (particularly that of the OP) is unnecessary. If you would like to discuss a point made by another poster it is sufficient to quote the relevant line rather than the entire post.


  • #16
    AlejGuzman68
    Closed Accounts Posts: 125 ✭✭AlejGuzman68


    If it is true, leave him and be done with it.He has no respect or faithfulness to the relationship.IMO people don't change he is who he has shown.


  • #17
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    It sounds like locker room talk.

    >mod snip<

    Why did he show it to you, really peculiar?


  • #18
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    It sounds like locker room talk.

    >mod snip<

    Why did he show it to you, really peculiar?

    "Boyfriend: “he’s like me falls in love to easily”
    Friend:”oh ya but your ones a good spin so ya stay with her”
    B: “ah you get sick of going down the same dark alleyway”
    F: “hahahahaha really?”
    B: “ya especially when she gives you lip, what’s your new one like?”
    F: “a good spin”
    B: “maybe I can substitute some night so”"

    If my mate talked about my girlfriend that way, he'd get a slap.


  • #19
    SuperSean11
    Registered Users Posts: 1,555 ✭✭✭SuperSean11


    Run and don’t look back. You’ll thank yourself when you find a partner not just a BOYfriend


  • #20
    99nsr125
    Registered Users Posts: 1,183 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    Op

    You're the problem


  • #21
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,909 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    99nsr125, the OP has come to Personal Issues looking for advice. When replying to a thread here, posters are asked to offer that in a constructive and civil way. A one liner telling a poster they are the problem, is neither constructive nor civil.

    Please read the Charter before posting here again.

    Thanks

    HS


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  • #22
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,258 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    He sounds like a complete dipsh!t

    Trying to record you while you're upset.

    Bin him


  • #23
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,258 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    It sounds like locker room talk.

    Men talk like that all the time, it never amounts to anything.

    Why did he show it to you, really peculiar?

    Never once had that type of conversation with any of my mates.


  • #24
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,909 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    IAMAMORON, you have been asked before to stop with the gender generalisations as they are a breach of the Charter here. Any attempts to do it going forward will be dealt with more harshly.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #25
    Wanderer78
    Registered Users Posts: 28,783 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    >mod snip<
    IAMAMORON wrote:
    It sounds like locker room talk.

    just because an arsehole such as trump says so, doesn't mean it's actually true


  • #26
    hurleronditch
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭hurleronditch


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    It sounds like locker room talk.

    >mod snip<

    Why did he show it to you, really peculiar?

    “Locker room talk” is a fairly odious phrase on a good day, but talking like that about your partner is so far beyond the realms of reasonable lads chatter.

    If a mate talked to me about his current partner like that I’d exit the conversation and rethink my friendship. This guy isn’t 15, and even then it would be inexcusable.


  • #27
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users Posts: 594 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    Gigiplease wrote: »
    I told him straight away how disrespectful it is and disgusting to talk about any woman like that especially one you’ve been in love with for 3.5 years

    So I obviously have two problems.

    I’m sick of being disrespected like this.

    Given your last thread told us how he lost 16k on one bet and cheated on you multiple times over the 3.5 years I think these texts are nothing

    Either your the biggest doormat I've ever seen or your a good author


  • #28
    TheadoreT
    Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT


    Gigiplease wrote: »

    This is him claiming to be joking in a private conversation with his friend and giving out to me that I should of read on. Sad thing is, I do know he’s joking about it all, very immaturely and disgustingly but to him it’s a joke.

    If he acted on it previously how could it be a joke? Its reality for him. He cheats on you, treats you like crap, is a financial burden and all round moron by the sounds.

    What you need at this point is counselling to help you realise your self worth and how one of the above is probably bad enough, the combination of all makes you seem to have massive issues with accepting reality and valuing yourself.


  • #29
    Zebrag
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    OP I'm not entirely sure where to start to be honest with you....
    As an outsider I can't exactly tell you to leave him, walk away, tell him to leave and so on. From your previous thread and this one, it's clear you don't want to leave.
    No one can tell you what to do and no one can make you do anything

    But think of it this way....

    How many times can you run around in the same circle before you get fed up?

    Friends, family, colleagues, acquaintance and forum posters will eventually run out of ideas and advice to help you and you'll find yourself in a position that you have no one to talk too. Not that people don't care or don't want to help but people will eventually end up losing their patience to guide you and in turn, you'll end up being afraid to speak to someone in case the next "bad" comment or action happens. What happens then? Will you start lying about him and try to prove to people that he's changed or he's not actually a bad person and blame yourself? Will you end up following his ways just to keep him happy and avoid the arguments?

    That's how it starts.

    There's plenty of people out there who've been in abusive relationships, emotionally, mentally and physically who have moved pass it. Who have found their self worth after years of telling themselves that their relationship was the only thing the had in their lives. Who have for years told themselves that their partners behaviours was acceptable and they felt their disrespect was a form of love towards them. There's so many things wrong with the relationship you have for your boyfriend and your love shines through by allowing his behaviour without setting boundaries. This is something that can only be done and set by you.

    Advice, reassurance, empathy and love from others will always be there to guide you but you have to make the conscious effort towards yourself that this relationship, no matter how long or short it is, is not healthy and it certainly won't get any better. You van justify and award his behaviours by thinking of the nice things he's done for that one day but tell yourself this...

    For the next 3.5 years, is this the same circle you want to run around in or do you want to do better for yourself and give yourself the life and future you deserve without an immature man child?


  • #30
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,654 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    OP do you have friends and family you can confide in? It sounds like you know you need to leave your partner but don’t want to, or don’t have the strength/courage too.

    I stayed in an abusive relationship for almost 18 years. I had a child with the man and that is why I stayed - but who knows, I might have stayed for a good few years child or no child - I know how hard it is, especially if you have low self esteem and fear you won’t cope without them.

    I’m not sure what your thoughts on children are - but if you were to have children with this man it would be 10 times harder to leave, and probably 10 times harder to cope with him as a partner too.

    This type of treatment is not usual - the filming and laughing at your reaction is particularly disturbing. I haven’t seen the gambling thread but it doesn’t sound good. The only way to stop being treated like a doormat is to stop acting like one, you can do it.


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  • #31
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,034 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Sorry OP, I also remember your previous thread.
    You’re complaining that he doesn’t treat you with respect, but how can he? I certainly couldn’t so can’t blame him for continuing to have a laugh at your expense.


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