Childhood Abuse & the Second Trauma

Hi Boardsies,

I'm having a really difficult time the last couple of years, and although I have had the support of my friends, I would really love to have an objective perspective on what has been going on, because sometimes I don't know if I am badly broken and cannot see straight, or if I am rightful in my hurt and anger. I apologise for the length of my post.

When I was a child, I was sexually abused by an older, adopted brother. I do not recall the exact ages we were when it started - as is so often the case with childhood abuse, I suppressed the trauma for a long time and, being a young child when it happened, my recollection of exact dates etc. obviously cannot be 100%. I believe I was around 7 when it started, which would have made him 12, and I know for certain that when I was 12, he attempted to molest me again, when we were in a swimming pool together. So, he would have been 17 at that time. I think it is unnecessary and upsetting to go into detail on the abuse itself.

I carried this alone for a long time. In fact, I had blocked most of it from my mind until I was around 11, and I remember being in the car and the radio was on - it was around the time that the whole catholic church sex abuse scandal had broken in Ireland. And I "remembered" that this had also happened to me. I had my first panic attack then, and have been plagued with these on and off for most of my adult life.

Looking back, with an adult perspective, I now feel like I was wronged many times in fact, by people who were supposed to protect me. I remember when I was around 9, my parents left me alone in the house with my brother - I have to question now, as a parent myself, why they thought this in itself was acceptable. I was so angry at being left alone with him, presumably knowing what I was in for while they were gone, that I kicked in the glass front door, such was the strength of my anger. My mother spoke to me about it after and asked, "do you eb ok when you are here on your own with your brother?". In hindsight, I ask myself who asks this kind of question unless they suspect the worst, and surely if you suspect the worst when it comes to your own child, you do everything to get to the truth.

I recall that my copybook was confiscated in school by a teacher, because in the back of it, I had written about Ann and Barry (for anyone younger than me, I believe these then became Tara and Ben!), and how Barry had abused Ann. My parents confronted me about this, but I think I fobbed them off saying it was something I saw on TV. Again, looking back with an adult perspective, I don't understand how they could not have seen this was acting out, and a cry for help. I don't understand why the teachers who found the copybook and called my parents did not pursue it.

When I was 17, my dad "found" my diary. I suspect he had been looking for it. At that time, I was going through what I thought were normal teenage issues, but in hindsight can see that they were related to the abuse. I was drinking, self-harming and was also anorexic. I suspect he probably went to my diary looking for answers. He found an entry where I spoke about the abuse, though I had not named the perpetrator. He left a note in the diary telling me his door was always open to talk. Nice, I suppose, but as the father of a minor who had essentially confirmed in writing that someone had sexually abused her, in my mind, his efforts did not go far enough. I have a a daughter now. If I found out that someone had abused her sexually, I wouldn't stop until I found out who that person is.

When I was the same age, I also told a teacher in school about it. My parents were called in, I was called in. I couldn't tell them who it was. I don't really know why. I believe I was afraid, since he was still living in the family home. I also had a misguided loyalty to my family, and did not want to ruin them. So, my parents and the school let it lie. In hindsight, I was a minor - the school should have called in social services. My brother should have been removed, or I should have been, but nothing was done. Years later my mother would tell me, "we were waiting for you to tell us, we had everyone in the family under a cloud of suspicion -we often wondered if it was Uncle X or Uncle Y" - it wasn't, of course, but if Uncles X and Y were under suspicion, why were they still allowed into the family home and around me?

I had a fear of intimacy with men, and so for most of my twenties I identified as lesbian, and did form meaningful relationships (some of my exes are now my closest friends) however the relationships always ended because I wasn't being true to myself or my partners.

I battled with alcohol dependency, and still do to a large extent.

When I was in my mid thirties, I eventually told my parents who it was who had abused me as a child. I think their reaction, and that of my greater family, has been the biggest source of sadness and disappointment of my life, sometimes even causing more hurt than the initial abuse. Although my parents believed me straight away, they refused to "take sides" as they called it. I had moved home after living away for almost a decade. I was paying them rent, but also trying to save for my own place. They continued to allow my brother to live in the same house, and insisted that we play some form of happy family for the benefit of outsiders. I couldn't cope with their reaction, and started drinking heavily. I also sent them messages telling them I was angry with their reaction, and that they had hurt me and they were, essentially, protecting a paedophile. Their reaction to this was to accuse me of being an alcoholic and an elder abuser. They went to their GP and showed the messages to him, and got him to "confirm" that I was an elder abuser.

In the aftermath, when I started to tell more people the truth about what had happened, it became clear that my brother was not a one time offender, but is in fact a sexual deviant. Many people (women) spoke to me about him when I opened the narrative about what he had done. Two of my ex girlfriends said that he had made advances on them, one he had touched inappropriately in the back of the car on the way home from a family wedding. My best friend told me my brother had hit on her mother, and stalked her for years, driving up and down outside her house. Her mother has since passed away, and went to her grave without ever disclosing this to my family, because she didn't want to hurt them.

He goes to Thailand every year for sex tourism. My neighbour, who used to come in every day (pre-covid) to take my dog out at lunchtime when I was at work, texted me one day to tell me she could no longer do it. When I talked to her about it, she told me that he had made advances on her too.

My parents know about all of this, and they still protect him. My father will still have him over for breakfast, and allow him to sit watching their TV all day having cups of tea made for him. I am expected to be civil to him.

My wider family has turned against me - a cousin sent a christmas card to the house addressed to the three of them, with my name left off. My aunt, who I confided in, told me I am spoiled and trouble-making, and that my brother has "limited cognitive abilities" and should be forgiven. Up to when Covid hit, he was still being invited to family events as if nothing had changed. My parents have sewn the narrative - I am the broken one, I am angry, I am an alcoholic and an elder abuser, I need to be fixed.

And every so often I will receive a phonecall or text from one of my parents, telling me that the other is "at the doctor with chest pain" and that they are advised to "avoid stress" - in other words, I am the cause of whatever has brought them to the GP. It feels like they are trying to manipulate me into silence all the time. "We are so old, we cannot cope" etc.

When you look at me, you would never guess that this has all gone on, and in some ways I am incredibly lucky. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has supported me through all of this, we have a beautiful daughter, we have mortgage AIP and will be moving out in the next few months - we still pay my parents close to market rent anyway.

I think I just want to cut ties with my entire family, and I have read about estrangement but it seems like a huge step. I also feel guilty because they adore my daughter and is it right for me to sever that tie because of the past? Then again, if they cannot respect my boundaries, then how can I trust them with my daughter? I could never leave her in their care, knowing I could be exposing her to my brother (who has since moved but not that far away).

Despite everything, I used to have a really good relationship with my Dad, and as strange as it sounds, I would mourn the loss of my relationship with him. However, I know things cannot go on as they are. I have so much anger, and I don't know how to process it, and it has started to affect my relationship with my fiance too. I need to do something before I ruin the best thing that ever happened to me. But, estrangement seems like such a huge step.

It feels like I am the bad guy in all of this. I feel betrayed by my own family, and cannot believe that my wider family are still defending him. It's truly a second trauma.